Chapter 1: My life

I was sitting on the edge of my bed with a piece of paper securely placed inside my clenched fist. It was bent twice on the middle and looked almost ancient from the countless of times I'd opened it. The dust gray carpet blurred out as I was starring at it deep in thought. I was alone - here in this room, and in my new life. It was stupid how I kept calling it my new life. I'd been here for eight weeks, almost two months, and I still saw it as the beginning of a new life that - if everything had worked out like I'd planned- I would be busy living, but it hadn't, and I wasn't.
My new life - or I guess just my life in general - was terrible. I only had one friend; Ally. Not that I didn't like her, I just wish I had some more people to talk to. It was ironic, how every person I'd met – before I chose to run off - had liked me the instant they saw me. "People love you" my parents always said, "You have something, that many people would dream of; a lovely personality". But apparently no one cared about my lovely character in real life: the boarding school life, the teenage life. I wanted to talk to someone; or rather I needed to talk to someone, someone who would listen, like really genuinely listen and care. I needed to talk to someone who knew me before; someone familiar; someone from my old life.
There were three options on who I could call. The first and the most obvious was my mom. If I called her, I knew I would break into tears, and so would she. Or not exactly break into tears since she psychically couldn't, but get very emotional. And I couldn't handle that right now. She would beg me to come home, and after a long argument of begging and pleading, I would eventually give in. Because to be honest I wanted to fulfill her wish; to leave boarding school and go home, and just forget about this stupid idea.
Shut up! I thought to myself and shook my head, trying to stop my train of thought. I was not going to give up like this. I wasn't a quitter, no way. I had a pretty good idea who I had my competitive side from, after countless of races through the forest with him. There was no doubt that he'd made me more competitive than my parents would've liked. Again my train of thought was interrupted when I realized why my mind had used 'he' and not his name. It was Jacob.
Jacob my best friend, Jacob my soul mate, Jacob who was in constant pain at the moment because of me, Jacob the werewolf, Jacob my werewolf, Jacob who'd imprinted on me, Jacob who loved me, Jacob who I loved almost equally as much, Jacob who was the reason I'd left home, Jacob who was the reason I wanted to go home, Jacob who I only saw as a friend, Jacob who was my soul mate no matter how much I tried to convince myself of the opposite, Jacob my Jacob.
It reminded me of the first time it felt different between me and Jacob. The day I realized that Jacob and I weren't meant to be friends forever.

~ 5 Months ago in Cordova, Alaska ~

It was late in the evening, and the heavy spring air was blowing my long bronze hair up in the air. There was a sweet scent of the pine threes surrounding me, as I sat there waiting for my best friend to appear from his hiding in the threes.
"Come on, Jake. It can't possibly take more than 2 minutes to transform and get dressed. Especially when your version of being dressed only consists of a pair of cut off jeans," I joked and shifted my position on the big rock, where Jake and I had spent countless of hours together. I pulled one of my legs up under me, leaving the other dangling dangerously over the vertical edge where Jake soon would climb up and join me.

I could hear his chuckle before I saw him. He ran out of the edge of threes and into the clearing, where the big rock emerged and changed the landscape from the normal forest to a rock climbing paradise. He set off and managed to create enough power to throw his enormous body so far up the vertical wall of the rock, that he caught the top. He hung there a little, before he pulled himself up by his arms, and finally climbed over to sit next to me. He was still laughing, though I wasn't sure if it was my joke or the adrenalin kick that did it.
"And I'm back" he said and smiled proudly at me like he just finished a history essay.
"Impressive; you made it back before Christmas" I said, smiled at him approvingly and tussled his jet black hair.
He grinned at me showing his white teeth that looked even whiter against his dark skin. "I hear that you're thinking about visiting Forks soon, is that correct?" he asked and smiled a beaming smile at me. He was always happy when we visited La Push, and I knew that. That wasn't exactly why I had been considering it though.
"Yeah, I talked to mom and dad about it, and we were considering going in a couple of weeks. Dad is calling Carlisle today," I said and looked down at my hands that for some reason were sweaty. "Can I count you in?" I asked in a joking voice, trying to lift my own mood that suddenly was hesitant. I knew that if I was going, Jacob was too no matter what.
"Even more rain than in Alaska and Paul?" He said in an excited voice while gesturing towards the big gray sky approaching us from the North. Sarcasm was almost the only way we communicated. "I wouldn't miss it" he said and caught a loose strand of my hair and tucked it behind my ear, just like he always did, when it was windy. This time it felt wrong… or not exactly wrong, but different. I felt the smile fade away on my lips, and my eyes turning accusing as they stared into his. Because what they found there was strange, and gave me a kind of bubbly feeling in the pit of my stomach.
"What's wrong?" he asked and wrapped his big hands around both of mine, in an attempt of comfort, but I felt something else entirely. Again I got this strange feeling inside me, and I wasn't if sure I liked it. I pulled my hands away from his and turned around to crawl of the rock the horizontal and easy way. I could feel my nylon leggings tearing apart as my knees scraped over the stone.
Jake caught my ankle but I shook him off and ran the last few feet towards solid ground. I continued running towards my house while Jacob yelled after me in confusion. I kept running stretching the distance between us; despite of that I could easily hear when he transformed into a wolf. I knew he would catch up with me soon, but I was in the clearing of my house now, and as I had expected, my mom and dad were waiting for me inside.
As I stood there across from my parents – my dad's arm swung lightly around my mom's waist – I knew exactly what feeling it was. I had a crush on Jacob. The realization hit me hard and I almost tripped. My dad knew what was wrong, and shook his head either in disbelieve or in denial, I couldn't tell.
"What's wrong, Edward?" my mom's anxious voice asked and I knew, without looking, that a frown had formed itself between her eyebrows.
Edward sighed. "She stopped growing" he said in tired voice. That explanation made no sense to me, but apparently it made perfect sense to my mom.
"Oh, sweetie!" she said and hugged me close to her body. I still wasn't sure if she knew why I was acting like this, but I didn't care. I started crying silently into her shoulder. "I can't believe it… my daughter is all grown up now" she said in a voice that didn't hide the emotions she felt. I still didn't know if she knew what my problem was.
"But he's my best friend!" I said and started sobbing.
"I know, sweetheart" she said and padded me gently on my back. "I know…"
"No, you don't know! He's my best friend and now my feelings are going to ruin that!" I was angry now, the second stage of dealing with grief. I pulled away and ran in to my room, where I not too gently closed the door.
After that I turned on my stereo and listened to a metal band in an attempt to drown the voices coming from outside my room and inside my head, but I could still easily hear my parent's voices in the living room.
"She just has to get used to the thought. I mean Jake have been waiting for this moment for about a month now," my dad's voice said. I cringed at the thought. Had Jacob felt like this for a month? How could I not have noticed? I could hear a wolf howling in the distance. Jacob knew what was wrong. Now he thought I'd rejected him, but I hadn't. Had I? I felt the tears making their way down my cheeks and I wiped them off quickly, trying to deny everything that had just happened.

Shaking my head wouldn't work this time. I rose from my bed, threw the paper on the floor and went over to the window. It was cold outside, and my warm breath made condensation appear on the glass. I opened the window carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible. It was strange how I'd already gotten used to moving around in human speed, just like I'd gotten use to speaking out loud and not using my gift; my strange talent that was part of my strange life. Showing people your thoughts by touching them, was something only I could do, just like my dad could read peoples' minds, my mom could protect her own and the minds around her and my aunt could see the future.
The icy breeze did exactly what I'd hoped for; my mind went almost blank, and I could once again focus on my phone call to be. Nothing could make me think about Jacob again. Oh great, I thought to myself, I did it again. Thinking about not thinking about someone was not a good idea. I needed therapy; this wasn't healthy, not at all. Maybe the school nurse was an option, or maybe not. She probably wouldn't understand how my family was a bunch of vampires, and my best friend was a werewolf, who by the way had some strange bond to me that meant I was his soul mate. And then there was me; Renesmee Carlie Cullen, almost a living legend, the human/vampire who almost caused the end of the world. Put all of that together with some more vampires, werewolves and immortality, and then you had a little insight in what my old life was like. Plus the fact that everything was determined before I was even born. Then I'd gotten this crazy idea: I'd had an identity crisis, and thought that the best way to find myself was by leaving everything and everyone behind. And that's what I'd done. And here I was; alone and miserable. I sighed and the condensation made it impossible to see anything outside. My life sounded like some bad horror/drama movie. I went back to the anxious position on my bed, and continued my discussion with myself. That sentence alone made it clear that I was everything but normal, but who cared? I did.
When my mom wasn't an option, there was always Rose, or Rosalie actually. She was like a second mother to me. Ever since I was a baby she'd nursed me like I was her own child. Her soft blond curls were some of the most beautiful things in the world, and just the thought of how they fell softly around her staggering face, made me smile. Calling her, if she was alone was probably a good idea, but she wouldn't be. The chance of Emmett, her husband, answering the phone was gigantic; he always ran to the phone just to answer it: "Hello, you've reached the Cullens, please leave a message after the bib…" then burst out laughing his boisterous laugh, and say: "got ya'. We're home!" Then he would ask who was calling – which was a quite normal reaction when answering the phone. But then when I would refuse to answer, and he would refuse letting me talk to Rosalie. So Rose wasn't an option either. If I couldn't talk to mom or Rose there was only one option left: Seth.
Seth wasn't like a normal friend, nor my best friend - that title was all Jacob's- he was like a brother. I even called him my brother. That sounds a little strange, but he was always so happy, and optimistic, just like the brother I always wanted, but never got. He always brightened my day, and that was what I needed today: I needed to smile and laugh. I needed to talk to Seth, but – there's always a 'but' - if I talked to him, I knew Jake would hear his thoughts sooner or later. And then he might jump to the conclusion that I didn't want to talk to him anymore, which was a lie. A big big lie.
The problem was that I had to talk to Seth, tell him to keep Jacob happy, keep Leah happy, keep me happy, and the real reason I had to call him, and not my mom or Rose, was that he was the only one that understood why I did this. When I'd told him, he had just high-fived me and said "way to go, sis!" He was also the person to hear an update from, knowing that he wouldn't break into tears, when he heard my voice or explained that everyone missed me.
At that moment Ally came in with a tear in the corner of her eye and a blissful smile on her face. She was hugging something close to her chest like it was the most important thing in her universe.
"What's going on?" I asked her, faked a smile and rose from my worried position on the bed.
"I just talked to my parents," she said and I could hear her voice get thick with emotion. "They're having a baby" she croaked between her sudden sobbing of joy. She threw her arms around me and started crying into my shoulder. I lay my arms gently around her tiny fragile body and padded her back soothingly.
"Congratulations" I said and tried to loosen my grip on her a little; just because she was used to my unnatural hot body temperature, didn't mean she wouldn't get sweaty if I embraced her for too long. She responded to my release of her in an unexpected way; she hugged me tighter.
"I just… can't… believe… I'm… getting…" she took a deep breath and cried out: "a sister" and then continued her sobbing of joy into my shoulder.
"At least you're happy" I mumbled to myself so low she couldn't hear even though her ear was only inches away from my mouth.
We stood there for about ten minutes before she pushed herself away from me and walked over to her bed, where she threw down the thing she'd been holding to her chest. It was a phone.
That made up my mind; I had to talk to Seth. God, Allah, Buddha or whatever was up there had sent me a sign, and I had to follow it.