Five Simple Steps for Taking Over the Galaxy. AU

Part I

One day after the Destruction of the Second Death Star.

The prisoner worked feverishly at the lock, desperate to free himself and his long-time companion. It wasn't that his fellow prisoner was his friend by choice, mind you, it was that when you spent your days and nights trapped inside a small prison – courtesy of the Emperor's indentured Scientists – you either became friends with your cell-mate or you killed him. It wasn't that particular option was off the table, either. It was simply a lack of weapons that disallowed causing harm to the other prisoner.

The rusty dura-steel door sprung open, freeing the two occupants. "Finally," the shorter one muttered. "I was starting to think we were going to die of thirst."

The taller one peered out of the prison, looking around nervously. "It's still daylight out. What if someone comes back?"

"No one has been in this room the entire day. It is quite apparent this facility has been abandoned in the aftermath of those riots outside, and we have been forgotten."

"Well, that was plain rude of them, I'd think."

"Thinking is not your strong suit," the short one grumbled, pushing past his friend and relishing his new freedom. "First we find something to eat and drink."

The taller one grinned, pleased at that idea. "Sounds good to me! Then what?"

"Then we do what we do every night. We plan to take over the galaxy!"


After the small rodents had finished eating a piece of over-ripe fruit, Brain walked over to the laboratory's window, and pointed down at the busy walkway. "The Emperor has fallen, Pinky."

Smacking his lips, the thin lab rat hopped over to gaze outside at the broken statue of Emperor Palpatine, which lay in ruins on the street below. "That had to hurt a bit, don't you think? He made a really loud crash-boom-bang when he fell over, too. I heard it all the way up here. Course, I've got really big ears, so that probably helped a bit."

Brain sighed. "Actually, I was referring to the flesh and blood Emperor. Emperor Palpatine."

"That would hurt even more, wouldn't it?"

"It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob."

"Does the Empire tax boobs?" Pinky pondered, tapping his chin.

"If it did, you'd be in debt for the next two thousand years," Brain returned evenly. "Stop talking, Pinky, before I hurt you. I have this unexplainable desire to describe my plan to you."

"Okay," Pinky said agreeably.

"Now that the human Emperor has been defeated, there is a void in the galaxy."

"Are those things dangerous? They don't bite, do they?"

"Does what bite?"

"Voids. I've heard they have really big teeth."

Brain clenched his jaw, and tightened his fingers in an attempt to stop himself from pummeling Pinky. "With this void in place, I have the single greatest opportunity to do what I've always tried to do in the past, and failed. By right of superior intelligence, I am best suited to guide the destiny of this galaxy."

"Poink! That sounds like a plan to me," Pinky said, nodding.

"You haven't even heard my plan yet," Brain pointed out.

"Well, it hasn't been because I haven't been listening!"

Brain walked over to the holo-set and turned on the device, tuning it until he found what he was looking for – a news channel showing the Rebellion celebrating their victory on the lush green world of Endor. "That's it, Pinky! Step one! We find transportation and head immediately to Endor."

"Isn't it a bit too late to join the Rebels?" Pinky asked. "I mean, technically, since they won, they aren't considered rebels anymore, are they?"

"That is not my plan."

"Alrighty, then. Good thing." Pinky started to trace a wavy pattern in the accumulating dust on the window ledge.

"Do you want to hear my plan, or not?"

"Sure, Brain. Go right ahead whenever you're ready."

"Ewoks," Brain said smugly. "I plan to use Ewoks."

"What's an Ewok?"

"Those furry creatures that live on Endor. It has become increasingly apparent to me that they are truly the One Unstoppable Force in this galaxy. Why, look at those news reports! All those stormtroopers, and all those advanced All Terrain vehicles could not stop their combined power. The Rebellion only succeeded because of Ewoks."

"Cool, Brain."

The brilliant rodent continued his speech, "I plan on tuning my Jack-o-lantronic transmitter to the exact brainwaves of Ewoks. Once they have fallen under my spell, I will command them to spread themselves throughout the galaxy, and under my direction, they will defeat all the Moffs and various warlords, as well as those pesky Rebels. Then I shall declare myself the New Emperor, and erect a statue of myself in the exact spot where Palpatine's statue took a nose-dive!"

"That sounds like a swell plan, Brain," Pinky said enthusiastically.

"Of course it is."


Endor

The two lab rats, tugging an orange-colored orb in their wake, stepped out of the supply ship, and looked around the forest. "We have arrived on Endor, Pinky. Now, we move on to Step Two."

"It sort of reminds me of Northern California," Pinky responded, sniffing the air as he peeled back the flimsy from a piece of candy.

"Where is that?"

"Near a place called Lucasville."

"I've never heard of it," Brain replied, annoyed.

"Serious?" Pinky asked, surprised. "It's right by Wally World, the happiest spot in the Galaxy. I know this because Uncle Wally himself says so."

"Well, as long as Uncle Wally makes that claim, it must be correct," Brain said sarcastically. "Now help me set up this Jack-o-lantronic transmitter. The frequency must be set to my exact specifications, or it will not work."

"Okay, Brain. I understand."

"That seems highly unlikely," Brain said, holding the cord to his Jack-o-lantronic transmitter and looking around for a place to plug it in. Nodding, he found an outlet located on the leg of the landing ramp and inserted the prongs. Turning around, he let out a squeak of dismay. "Pinky, you got chocolate on my Jack-o-lantronic transmitter!"

Pinky quickly shoved the offending candy bar into his mouth. "It'h wath an acthedenth."

"The only accident is you, Pinky," Brain grumbled, pushing his partner aside. "Now shut up and let me work."

"Okay."

For the next hour, Brain toiled away at his Jack-o-lantronic transmitter, and finally sat back, clapping his hands in glee. "There! It should work perfectly!" When there was no response, Brain turned around to face his companion.

Pinky was nowhere in sight.