Disclaimer: We do not own Stargate Atlantis, Stargate SG1, Star Wars, Star Trek, Dragonball Z or any other story/movie/series we haven't yet thought not to own. Whatever, you get the idea, we're poor.

Authors' note: Grumpy II actually helped with this one – without being forced (Trust us, that was the scary part – oh, and one day we'll sit down and explain how we can all be family while yet having 1 Hubby thrown in)! Silver Pixie is AWOL, though. But we're planning a rescue mission.

Oh, and how 'Random' works is a bit complicated, but we're sure you are smart enough to figure it out.

To insanity, and beyond!

Random sci-fi concepts that wouldn't work

John Sheppard stepped into the main lab, but it was deserted. Looking around, the only clue he could find was a note left on Rodney McKay's desk: 'Gone 4 coffee.'

Strange, he thought. But as there was only one place in the city – besides the lab – that served coffee, John headed out towards the mess hall. As he drew near the smell of warm, rich coffee made even his mouth water. Then he heard the chatter coming from the mess hall. Strange, he thought again. At this time of day the mess hall was usually empty!

He stepped around the corner. He stopped in his tracks: in the mess hall all the scientists were gathered, each with a steaming mug of coffee. On the wall behind the counter was a sign: 'BOTTOMLESS COFFEE.' Oh, dear, with all that coffee, there was no hope of getting the scientists back into the lab!

He then noticed Elizabeth Weir to one side, leaning against a column. She had her arms folded and was scowling slightly. He walked over to her.

"Your idea?"

"Yeah," she answered.

"Bad idea," he told her, looking at the crowd. Then he turned and raised his eyebrows, trying to look as endearing as possible. "Good concept, bad idea," he repeated.

"I know, it's kind of like having Oprah having an interview with the Wraith about their feeding habits," she wryly admitted.

"Or like having an anti-nuclear convention on the Genii-homeworld," Rodney suddenly added, having quietly joined the conversation.

And thus the list was born. Before either Sheppard or Weir could do anything about it, one of the scientists had produced a white-board and marker, and the challenge was taken up:

Sci-fi concepts that wouldn't work:

Bottomless coffee on Atlantis.

That had been proven already: the scientists were all caffeine junkies.

Oprah interviewing the Wraith on feeding habits.

A room full of trusting people, live television and a Wraith...need we say more?

Anti-nuclear conference on the Genii-homeworld.

The Genii loved their atomic bombs. They were willing to die for their atomic bombs.

They were crazy!

Travel agency on the Genii-homeworld.

Okay, as long as you're willing to participate in a lot of harvest-festivals and being poisoned by radiation, then that planet is a paradise!

"Really, who would go there?" Rodney added. "They're all a bunch of wannabe space-Nazis!"

A tanning salon on P3M-736.

"Where is that?" one of the scientists – who admittedly didn't get out much – asked.

"That's the planet where we found Ronon," Teyla explained.

"Among other things," Lorne grumbled. He hadn't liked the planet one bit! And that was the trip he learned SGA-2 was to be stuck with Doctor Parrish as their geek.

"Who's Ronon?" the same scientist asked. The room fell silent.

"He's joking, right?" John asked.

"Nope, probably not," Rodney grinned. "I told you I was surrounded by idiots!"

"No, really, who's Ronon?" the scientist asked again, but the conversation had passed him by and the next concept was coined.

Second-hand electronics store on the Replicator homeworld.

Old-age home on M7G-677.

"Oh, goodness, that's the planet with all the kids!" Radek Zelenka groaned. He had been sent there once, but a planet populated by people under the age of 30 years, freaked him out. That and the beads...he really didn't do kids!

Disbanding biological warfare-agents on the Hoffan planet.

They really liked their drug. It was just sad that they hadn't developed it properly before using it. Now a third of the planet has died because of the Hoffan drug. It's actually not that funny, now that they thought about it.

"I have one," Kavanagh suddenly piped up:

Japanese whaling-freighter on Atlantea.

Rodney casually picked up John's empty mug and hurled it at Kavanagh's head. Unfortunately he missed, though.

"Leave Sam alone!" Rodney exclaimed.

Parenting seminar on Replicator homeworld.

Everybody knew the Replicators had serious daddy-issues.

Exterminators on P9T-664.

"I hate those things!" John grumbled. "Although you are welcome to try killing all those bugs!"

The rest of the group looked at the point, thinking of just how vicious the Iratus-bugs were. No way was anyone going to try and exterminate them! Then rather get Rodney to blow up the whole solar system – or 5/6; it's not an exact science, after all.

Then one of the marines added a point:

An all-you-can-eat buffet on planet Vegeta.

Everybody knows Sayans can eat! The buffet would be bankrupt in an hour!

As he turned around from the white-board, the marine found all eyes on him: big eyes.

"What?" he asked. "So I like Dragonball Z! I'm sure you geeks can come up with a few Star Wars concepts!" he added.

And so they did:

Ice-cream parlour on ice planet Hoth.

Any explanations needed?

Day-spa on Degoba.

So Yoda's planet offered great mud-treatments. But the smell could kill you!

Greenpeace on the city-planet Corruscant.

Yes, we geeks get it. Will somebody now explain it to the marines?

By now the marines were feeling edgy. So it was their turn:

An atheist convention on the Ori-homeworld.

Atheist vs evil-ancients who had a god-complex.

The marines thought it was funny. The scientists: not so much. Woolsey would have liked it, though.

Designer boutiques on Azgard-planet.

Naked grey aliens...need we say more?

Snake charmers on a Goa'uld mother-ship.

Those snakes really didn't have a good sense of humor.

"Our turn," Zelenka piped up. he was still smarting over the comment about M7G-677.

Zen tea-garden on Kronos.

Homeworld of the Klingons, remember?

Then Miko grinned and took the marker from Zelenka:

'Adult World' on Vulcan.

Pon-far happens only once every 7 years. And Vulcans are emotionally repressed.

The marines looked at her. The scientists grinned.

"I didn't know she had it in her!" Lorne whispered to Cadman.

"You should see her at girls-poker night!"

Kitchenware-shop on Wraith ship.

They ate with their hands, after all.

Gothic nightclub on planet with Ancient sanctuary behind the time-dilation field.

When spelled out like that, the punch-line seems kind of weak. But just think about it...

Low-hanging ceiling fans on Andoria.

Aliens with antennae...

"That would work on planet Namek, as well," the marine from earlier piped up.

"Seems there's a lot of geek going around today," John grinned. Lorne scowled at him.

Self-help seminar on a Borg ship.

Resistance might be futile, but those self-help people always want to push their luck. Too bad the Borg had no sense of self.

Then Weir stepped forward, took the marker and added two lines:

Plastic surgery on Proculus.

I'd love to see Athar's reaction to that!

"Athar?" Ronon asked.

"Remember Chaya? Beautiful ascended woman John had a fling with," Rodney explained.

Everyone looked at John and Elizabeth.

"Touchy, isn't she?" Ronon asked nobody in particular.

Anger management on Vulcan.

Only for any frustrated humans/Klingons/Ferengi/Andorians stranded there.

Hippocratic-oath on Hoffan planet.

"Haven't we discussed them before?" John asked. They considered it. Then Beckett crossed it out:

27. Hippocratic-oath on Hoffan planet.

"They have issues, leave them alone, okay?" Beckett told them.

27. Charity-drive on Ferenginar.

Alien society based on profit. The Red Cross would come home poorer than before!

Woman's lib on Ferenginar.

They own their women, remember?

Laura Cadman had been the one to add that to the board. Life in the marines was a constant struggle for a woman. But then again, after the first bomb she had painted pink – with little hearts – before attaching it to a Wraith ship and happily blowing it up, the men had learned to steer clear of her where insults were concerned!

Solar panels on the fog-planet M5S-224.

Sentient fog: you'll never see the sun in real life again.

The group looked at the board.

"We need another one," Rodney said. "So it looks nice and rounded."

"We can always add the Hoffan-one again?" Lorne suggested. Carson planned to use a big syringe on him the next time Lorne came to the infirmary!

Then John suddenly grinned, picked up the marker and added a final point:

Family-counselling for Rodney McKay and Jeannie Miller.

The discussion abruptly ended as Rodney chased John out the door, wielding a frying pan.

"Hey, that reminds me of DBZ," the marine remarked. Radek turned to the marine, yelling:

"Would you stop it with the Dragonball!"