A Million Little Pieces, Miguel's Point of View

Author's note/ This takes place 2-3 months after Andy's death. This is a text from Miguel's POV and I thought it would fit Miguel's personality best if it was written without any quotion marks. It's just an insight to Miguel's thoughts. As confusing as they are, give this unusual way of writing a chance. :)

I recently started swimming. I dive, put my head under the water. It is empty. I just think about breathing, nothing more.

My head is empty.

Empty.

Empty.

I can hear my heartbeat. I know I'm still alive. The beating of my heart is the only thing that tells me I am.

I take another breath.

I'm alone. The water is all mine. I don't share the moment with anybody but myself.

It's late and I have to go home. I take my towel and walk towards the shower room. There are old men, young men. Attractive men and unattractive. I don't look at them.

I turn on the shower. The water is hot and it burns my skin. I don't care.

I can forget everything.

I get home and when I'm home I take another shower. I look at myself in the mirror. I look like a wreck. My eyes are red and swollen. I haven't shaved for a few days. I'm to tried for it.

He's gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

I want to be alone right now. Everybody worries about me and I let them worry. I'm sorry for it but I want to be alone. As the bell rings I get incredibly angry.

I open the door.

It's Chandra.

Miguel..

Chandra, what a surprise.

She hugs me and I hug her back.

Can I come in?

Sure.

How do you feel?

How do I look?

Shitty, honey.

That's the way I feel.

I was around and thought I could visit you.

That's very nice.

Do you want to sit down, drink a coffee and just talk?

I'd like that.

She gets into the kitchen and turns the coffee machine on.

Here you are.

Thank you.

There is silent and we just look at each other. She was Andrew's best friend and she's one of mine too. She reaches out for my hand. We hold hands. She squeezes my hand.

I miss him so much, Miguel..

If I'd say anything right now, I'll cry.

Me too.

I cry.

It's hurting but we've got to talk about it..

Yeah..

I found some photos and I thought you might wanted to see them. Most of them are from partys at my home. I thought they were beautiful.

I look at them. They are beautiful and they make me smile.

We look at each other, we look in love. I laugh and he smiles.

I put an arm around him and kiss his cheek.

He whispers something in my ear.

We kiss. I turn the photo around. Miguel and Andrew VERY in love, 3/18/85

One shows me wearing a shirt that says I LOVE MY BABY.

I smile.

I still love my baby.

This is my favorite one, you both look so cute. You were the cutest couple anyways.

I just nod.

We mess around with cake and ice cream and laugh our asses off.

I laugh loudly.

They make you happy, Mikey?

Bring back all those beautiful memories, yeah.. But it hurts so much.

I know...

You don't.

You don't.

You don't.

I know you know, is what I say.

Someday it'll be okay. You will be fixed, you heart will be fixed.

It can't be fixed, Chandra.

Why?

It's in a million little pieces.