Breakfast in the Great Hall. Tables filled with delicious mounds of food. Four houses filled with students. Two male professors snogging.

"So, Ron, where are we?" Asked Hermione as she read from the I Spy: Hogwarts book in her lap.

Ron screwed up his face. "Hm, that all sounds so familiar. I feel like I should know it." Looking at the page Hermione was open to, he screwed his face up further. "It even looks familiar…"

Ignoring evidence that Hermione might be a vampire-her canine teeth had just extended and she was gnashing them at an oblivious Ron in anger or sexual frustration-Harry stopped suddenly in mid-chew, his fork poised halfway in the air.

Hermione, who was inches from piercing Ron's jugular with her teeth, and Ron-who had been studying the I Spy book like it was an ancient scroll of sexual positions-both caught the change in Harry's behavior. Hermione questioned Harry on his strange behavior.

Harry jerked his head up, threw down his silverware, and pushed himself away from the table.

"I'm in love with Voldemort!" He said, before rushing from the hall.

Hermione clamped a hand over her mouth in absolute shock.

"I can't believe you figured it out, Ron! Good job!" She said as tears came to her eyes, noticing Ron's crooked writing of "Hogwarts?" in red crayon on the page open on the table.

"Professor Dumbledore! Professor Dumbledore!" Harry said, racing into the Headmaster's secret meeting place: the Room of Requirement covered in posters of naked Oliver Wood.

"Hey there, Mr. Potter," Dumbledore said in a deep, seductive voice. "What's going down?"

"I'm in love with Voldemort," Harry said, getting an instant erection at the thought.

Dumbledore looked at him in shock. "Love? You cannot love, Harry! I created you! You can feel no emotion!"

Harry looked confused. "Created me? What are you talking about? Emotion? I feel horny all the time; does that count?"

Dumbledore peered closer at Harry. "Oh wait, you're the real Harry."

Note: This was an old piece of shit I found buried in my documents (it was apparently almost three years old). NOW I SEE WHY IT WAS NEVER FINISHED.