Title: Love In Retrospect
Word Count: 4,328
Summary: Edward remembers what it was like to love before he was cast aside for another.
"We can't do this anymore, Edward," Carlisle said as he pulled my arms from around his neck. I knew that coming here was a mistake; I didn't know why, but I knew in my gut that this would change things for us.
"Carlisle, don't do this. Nothing has to change." I took a step toward him once again and he gave me a pleading look as he stepped away.
But it has changed, Edward. Everything is different now. His thoughts were flying through images of brown hair and a soft voice, womanly curves and a pained smile.
"Carlisle, please, stop and think about this! She is a human! She has a husband and a child on the way. How can you ignore everything that we have?" I started pulling at my hair in frustration. I had to do something with my hands or I may end up breaking something in our house to just get the pent up frustration out.
"Edward, don't you think I have thought about this? You of all people should know how much I have thought about this. I am sorry that things are changing between us, really I am, but I can't ignore this! I think she is my mate; In Fact, I'm certain of it." He walked over and stood in front of me trying to look in my eyes that I kept shifting away from him.
"I know how you think of her. You're always thinking of her and it sickens me when you think of her when I am the one pleasing you. Do you realize how that affects me? You are all I have in this world, Carlisle. I know no one else; I talk to no one else, and you expect me to be okay with this?" My heart felt heavy with defeat. I was losing the man who created me, the man who held me when I sobbed for my lost life, the man who consoled me when I took a life and the man who I loved.
"I'm sorry this is hard on you; it's not like I had a choice in this. I do love you, Edward. But when a vampire finds his mate, it is impossible to ignore. I love her, Edward. I will do anything to make her happy." His eyes were sad and his thoughts were roaming through our time together from the moment he changed me to now. We had a magnificent bond, amazing chemistry and what I thought was an undying love. I had never heard of vampire mating before, but then again, the only vampire I had been around had been Carlisle. It had been three years of just he and I, and for the last year and a half, there has truly been an Us.
"How are you going to make this work, Carlisle? You can't change the fact that she is already married. She is pregnant with her husband's child. She is a human." I was screaming by this time. I couldn't take it anymore. He was ending our relationship for a woman he could never have.
"I am sorry." He dropped his head and his thoughts told me of his sadness over our end and the realization that his love now belonged to a woman who would never know it, and could never be with him. I wanted to feel bad for him. I wanted to hold him and comfort him. I wanted to beat the living hell out of him. Instead, I was angry, I was hurt and I left.
I took off running through the trees of the dense forest. I realized after I had made a flying leap over the stream that this was only the second time I had been out on my own. The first, well, let's just say the first time didn't end so well for the hiker who fell behind his group. I immediately held my breath just in case there was yet another stray human in the woods, but continued my run. I had to be away from Carlisle and his incessant thoughts of that woman. Too bad I couldn't turn my own thoughts off.
I remembered the first time that he had taken my hand in his own. He slowly caressed it and squeezed it ever so gently, instantly calming me down moments after I awoke from the burning hell that brought me into this life. I looked into his golden eyes and heard his voice, only his lips did not move. It frightened me, but when he actually used his voice to tell me that everything was going to be okay, that he was going to take care of me, it was like I heard the voice of an angel. I knew in that moment that Carlisle would be important to me. That he would be special.
I thought of the first time he held me in his arms; I had become so frustrated trying to dress myself and tearing clothing to shreds with a simple flick of my wrist that I began destroying everything in my path. His strong arms wrapped around me from behind and held me tightly as I thrashed around. I did my best to free myself, but he simply held on tighter. I tried to bite him, I tried to hurt him, and he never let go. I finally threw him from me by flipping him forward, up and over me, and attacked. I was a newborn and couldn't shake the angered state I was in. I bit his shoulder, and only then did I realize what I was doing. I was hurting the only friend I had in this world when he was simply trying to help me. I collapsed to the floor in front of him and dry sobbed for my frustrations and for attacking him. He sunk to the floor in front of me, opened his arms, and pulled me into his embrace. It could have been minutes, hours, days, that I stayed in his embrace but time didn't matter then. What I wouldn't give to be wrapped in his arms again.
I saw a large buck grazing a few yards from where I was and tested the air around me with a slight sniff. The musky scent of the animal filled my nose, and not a bit of human. I let myself breathe fully and began the hunt. After a moment I was quenching the fire in my throat as more memories took hold of me.
The first time that Carlisle kissed me had been after a hunt. He said that he couldn't resist any longer, that he tried to, that he tried not to think of me in such primal ways, but seeing me hunt had been too much for him. I stood from my kill and looked at him seeking validation for my hunt. I had gotten much better by that time and only a little blood had spilled on me. He moved swiftly to me and ran his hand along my face. I couldn't do anything but turn into him. He pulled me to him and crashed his lips to mine. His tongue demanded entrance into my mouth, and before I could truly think about what we were doing, I opened up to him and felt his tongue on mine. It had been heated and instinctual and I had never been so turned on in all my life.
I shook myself free from my thoughts and disposed of my kill. I walked back to the house instead of running because I had no urge to see Carlisle so soon. How had I not known that mating was instinctual and that I would lose him one day? Why couldn't he have told me of this ahead of time so I could prepare myself for the chance of losing him?
My internal musings were interrupted by a blood curdling scream piercing the silent night sky. I should have run the other way, I should have stopped breathing and minded my own business. Had I done that, my problem would have been solved all on its own. But, I couldn't in good conscience leave knowing someone was in trouble and that I might be able to help. I held my breath and ran in the direction the scream had come from. When I reached the bottom of the ravine, I wished that I had continued on my way.
Esme, the object of my love's affection, lay broken and bleeding on the ground beneath a cliff. Her stomach no longer held a child and she was sputtering for a breath and bleeding profusely. I loved him too much not to give him this choice. I loved him too much to allow him to live in heart break. I loved him enough to allow my throat to burn so hot it could rival the depths of hell as I picked up the bleeding woman and ran her back to our house nestled in the woods.
I wanted to scream for him so he could meet me and take her, but I knew if I took the breath necessary to yell, I would surely drain her dry before he had the opportunity to choose to 'save' her as he saved me.
Carlisle must have smelled her blood as he came running out of the house with a look of pure rage on his face. What the hell have you done? How could he think such a thing of me? I shook my head no emphatically and passed her off to him. I gestured to my throat and when he finally understood my movements, I took off running yet again. I took down the first animal that crossed my path, then the next and the next until I was so glutted on blood that I physically couldn't drink anymore. The sun had set and risen since I left and I knew it was time to go back. I slowly approached the house, taking small breaths, testing the air. I could smell her blood, but it was tainted by the unique and unappealing smell of venom. He had chosen to change her and there was no longer a chance for him and me. Any hope that I had of reuniting with my love after her human years proved too much and she passed on, was gone.
I entered the house and heard his worried thoughts. Please, God, let her come through the change. Please, let it not have been too late, and please, let her not hate me for condemning her to this life. Not one thought of me; not one worry that I had left and have been gone for over a day.
"Carlisle, I'm back. I will be in the study if you need me." I spoke as I walked through the house, not bothering to go into the spare bedroom where he sat with Esme.
"Edward, tell me what happened." He was behind me and spoke with authority. I was too hurt to be angry that he could think I would do anything to hurt him so. I turned around to face him and saw the utter disappointment in his eyes. He was guarding his thoughts from me, which he learned to do quickly after my change, so we could have a real conversation.
"How could you think I had anything to do with this? If I truly wanted her gone, do you think I would have brought her to you? Do you think me a monster?" My voice was wavering and if I could cry, I knew that my eyes would dampen my cheeks.
"I just do not understand. Please, explain how you came to bring her broken and bleeding to me."
"I was on my way back to the house after a hunt. Our argument left me angry and hurt and I needed to run. The run lead me to hunt. On the way back, I heard a scream and ran towards it after holding my breath to try and help. When I came upon Esme, she was as I brought her to you at the bottom of a cliff. It appeared as though she threw herself off." I turned and walked away from him.
I am sorry I doubted you, Edward. I raised my hand in acknowledgement of his thought and continued to the study. He returned to the side of the screaming woman in the midst of her change. I sat at the piano and began to play. I had a faint memory of learning as a child and playing for others throughout my human years, but when my change occurred, I was subpar at best. I used the piano to learn to control my strength. After three years, I could play well and used it as a relaxing technique. I sat at that piano for two days and began to play in time with the speeding heart beat of the woman who was taking away my heart. When it came to an abrupt stop, so did I. I stood from the bench and went to greet the newest addition to our little family. I wondered how she would react to Carlisle and I. How she would feel when she learned that he had loved another, kissed another, bedded another before her.
I leaned against the door frame and watched the woman crouch in the corner, prepared to defend herself should she need to. Carlisle sat on the floor with his hands to his sides to show complete submissiveness and to lessen her fear.
What is going on? Where am I? Why does my throat her so? Who are they? I will kill them before they kill me!
"Carlisle, she is confused and defensive,; maybe it is time to start talking." He turned his head to look at me and she took that moment to leap on him. He tried to grab her and hold her still, but her newborn strength made him as pliable as a child's stuffed toy. She was growling and venom was pouring out of her mouth. Then, she truly looked at him, just as I had three years ago and recognition took over.
Is that the doctor? He…he tried to help me…his name…his name… "Carlisle?" Her voice was melodic and warming. Then her eyes darted to mine and she began to growl at me. I took the same position as Carlisle and she let him up but continued to watch me.
"Yes, Esme, it is me. You remember me?" he asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. She nodded and looked up at him and smiled. Edward, please, she must not know of our previous relationship. It hurt that he wished to keep what we had as a dirty secret, but I would do anything for him as long as he was happy. She really was breathtaking and the jealousy within me spiked yet again.
The days past slowly at first but as the days turned to weeks, and weeks to months, Esme was controlling her moods and strength and blood lust much better. She was a wonderful woman and I found it difficult to truly dislike her. I tried. I tried to dislike her simply because she had taken Carlisle from me and didn't even know it.
The first time he kissed her my heart broke even more. I left the house yet again and hunted. I hunted and tore out trees from the earth and broke them to pieces. The first time I had to see them leave to hunt with one another without even a thought of inviting me along, I destroyed yet another piano as I couldn't control my strength when I was dying inside. The first time I heard them make love all I could think of was the first time that Carlisle and I had done the exact same thing.
The first time we had made love, Carlisle and I had been running through the woods, not to anything or away from anything. Not hunting or traveling, just being together doing something we each loved to do. The cloudless sky took an unexpected turn and the moon light dimmed until it was pitch black. A loud crash sounded from the sky and the rain fell, soaking us within moments. We laughed like children as we splashed in each puddle we came across. The next bout of thunder was followed by a brilliant lightning strike and illuminated Carlisle in such a way that was more beautiful than anything I had ever seen. His thoughts told me he felt the same.
His golden eyes locked upon mine and he stepped into me. His arm wrapped around me and pulled me flush against his chest. I let my eyes drift down to his lips and licked my own in anticipation. Slowly he lowered his head and brushed his lips against mine. We had kissed many times before, but this time we both knew that a kiss would only be the start of our night together.
I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and fisted his hair, increasing the force of our kiss. He moaned into my mouth and his tongue dominated mine. Nothing else was important in that moment and I knew that nothing else would be as important in years to come. I put every feeling I had into that kiss and could feel his love and adoration in return.
His member rubbed against my leg and I could feel he was as aroused as I was. I moved my hips slightly to show him that I too was enticed and wanted more. Carlisle took that as his queue to thrust against me, allowing our cocks to graze one another. The feeling was astounding and I wanted more. I thrust back at him and he growled.
I felt his hands leave my waist and move to the front of my shirt. His hands started to unbutton it but then I felt him rip it from my body completely. Carlisle pulled his lips from mine and they began their descent along my jaw, to my neck and finally along my chest. His tongue peeked out of his mouth briefly to taste the skin around my nipple before sucking it into his mouth completely. He quickly repeated this on the other before dropping to his knees to undo my trousers.
He looked up at me from beneath his lashes while silently asking for permission to continue. I simply thrust my hip forward a little and ran my hand through his hair. When my trousers hit the wet earth, springing my hardened manhood free, Carlisle groaned in anticipation. He gripped me in his hand and began to pump me slowly, all the while watching me watch him.
I nearly exploded when he leaned forward and ran his tongue along the head of my dick to taste the salty pearl of fluid that had risen. When he took me into his mouth completely, instinct took over at the intensity of the pleasure my love had given me and I began to thrust into his mouth with abandon. He took each thrust, moaning around my shaft. I felt his hands rise up to my hips and skim down my backside. His fingers tracing along the split between my cheeks telling me where he intended to take our evening. When I finally couldn't hold back any longer, I shot my seed into Carlisle's mouth, which he promptly swallowed before releasing me.
I dropped to my knees and immediately kissed him hard. I wanted to taste myself on his lips, needing that evidence that this was really happening and that it was not another of my fantasies. My hands acted on their own accord as they ripped his clothing from his body. I wanted to feel his naked body aligned with mine.
Carlisle kissed me once more before laying me down on my back. He disappeared between my legs and I felt his tongue graze my tighten hole, lubricating me with his venom, before returning to me. His hardened member probed at my entrance and slowly pushed into me. When he was fully seated inside, he leaned down and kissed me softly, trapping my own pulsing dick between our bodies. When he began to pump in and out of me, our stomachs rubbed me in time with each stroke.
He began to move more quickly and harder as we each grew closer to our peaks. Growls began erupting from deep in his chest and I felt the familiar tightening before I exploded all over our chests. He screamed out before biting down on the crescent shaped scar that brought me into this life as he came inside of me.
Whispered words declared our love for one another before we detangled our bodies and returned to our home running through the rain naked.
A year passed since Esme had joined us and I had managed to accept that he and I were over. I was finally able to go into public without worrying too much about slipping and attacking a human accidentally. Helping Esme get to Carlisle while she bled in my arms proved to me that I was nearly ready and Carlisle helped me by bringing home bandages soaked in blood until I was completely confident in my ability to function in society. Being able to leave the house was key in my ability to live with Carlisle and Esme. His thoughts would betray him every once in a while as he remembered our encounters after seeing something that reminded him of a time before Esme. As time went on, he thought of us less and less.
The day I realized it was time for me to strike out on my own, do things my own way, was a few years after I was reintroduced to the human population. The three of us had just moved to a new town and Esme was ready to join Carlisle and I outside the house. She was doing extremely well and I had even grown fond of her. We had all gone to a charity gala that Carlisle's new place of employment was hosting and I had been introduced as his son. I looked at him in disbelief before I walked away from him. I left the gala and walked back to the house in my tux. Carlisle and Esme had left as soon as they could without creating suspicion. When they got to the house, I already had my things packed and ready to go. How he could pretend that choosing to create our cover as a happy little family would not hurt me, I would never know. I purposely ignored his thoughts; I didn't want to hear his reasoning behind it. I just wanted to leave. Everything between us had been real. I know it had. At least, it had been real to me.
"Edward, please think about this. Where will you go?" he questioned.
"I don't know, Dad. But I sure as hell can't stay here and pretend to be the happy little family. I can't continue pretending that the past never happened. I need to get away from you and anything that reminds me of you." I saw the hurt on his face as I walked by him. Esme was utterly confused but it wasn't my place to explain what was going on to her. She was his concern, not mine.
The moment the door closed behind me, I took off running. The trees whipped by me for hours on end. I didn't know where I would end up, but when I stopped to hunt, I couldn't do it. The damn deer screamed his name at me and the bears tasted like the blood I had once licked him clean of. It was in that moment that I heard a child scream. I ran towards the cries and found a little girl being beaten and her clothing being ripped from her body by a large man. His thoughts were disgusting and full of violent acts which he fully intended on acting out with the little girl he had taken from the camp about a mile north.
I pulled him from the girl quickly, throwing him into a tree behind me. I whispered to the little girl to run, and pointed in the direction of the camp she had been taken from. I told her to run and not to stop until she got back. There was a trail to follow and I made sure she knew to stick to the path. She nodded her head in understanding, despite her tears and ran off.
I heard the man behind me groan as he stood up from the base of the tree and yelled at me. He charged at me and wanted to kill me for taking his precious afternoon delight away from him. I knew that Carlisle would not approve of what I wanted to do, and that was exactly the push I needed.
I gripped the man by the neck. I growled out the reasons for his death as each thought floated through his mind about all the other children he had raped and killed. I told him I was his justice, and I sank my teeth in his neck and drank. I drank and drank until he ran dry.
I screamed in delight at the satisfaction and the cool feeling in my throat. Carlisle had told me how to live my life before, but now, he was the reason I chose my new life. I would hurt him as he did me. I would send him letters to let him know I was alive and well and I would detail my exploits for him. He would have no reason to want to call me son and that was exactly what I was after.