Title: Is That A Good?
Author: Beer Good
Fandom: Season 8
Word Count: ~600
Summary: The Big Bads (or are they?) have a cup of coffee and try to work out the kinks of their plan.
"Baby, we're the government. It's what we do."
- Riley Finn, BtVS 4.22 "Restless"
Is That A Good?
The man in the mask opened the door to his Secret Hideout and nodded to his visitor. "Whistler."
"Angel. Loving the triple-belt look. Ready to talk shop?"
"Sure." They went inside and sat down around Angel's kitchen table. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, blood, um... coffee? I've got a lot of that." He pointed towards the shiny new coffee maker on the counter. It was roughly the size of a Japanese car, with a number of digital displays and touchscreens.
"Nice to see you join the 21st century," Whistler nodded. He went over to the machine and pressed a few buttons. It beeped at him, then whirred at him, then ssssshlurped at him, then binged at him and delivered a perfect cup of cappuccino. Whistler took a sip and raised his eyebrows in pleasant surprise. "You know, this is one of the best cups of coffee I've ever had. It's like it knew exactly what I wanted."
"Riley gave it to me. I guess he thinks it helps convince me that he's on my side. And now that I command the US Army I don't get much sleep, so I kind of need the caffeine. Anyway, can I just go over the plan again? There's some things I'm not too clear on."
"Go ahead," said Whistler.
The coffee maker gave a weak little beep.
"So I'm supposed to help humanity and demonkind persecute and kill Slayers and convince them that vampires are the good guys..."
"Yup," said Whistler.
The coffee maker gave a long glurr.
"And I'm supposed to terrorise Buffy until she gives up her superpowers so that she can get other superpowers so she can fight the things I've sent at her..."
"You got it," said Whistler.
The coffee maker gave a ding that sounded curiously like an alarm.
"And I can't tell her any of this because if I do she won't understand why it's such a good plan and then it won't work..."
"Absotively," said Whistler.
The coffee maker gave a rather louder beep.
"So in order to save the world, I make Buffy's life hell and kill thousands of innocents, and the end result of the plan is that our actions bring about the apocalypse, for which she and I get rewarded by the Cosmos -"
" - sorry, Universe, and the world is saved except that everyone in it dies, but if I tell her about it or don't do anything at all, the world doesn't end, and that's bad since I'm supposed to put the world ahead of Buffy so that I can destroy the world and live alone with Buffy forever, and this isn't my fault since it was going to happen anyway because the prophecy is specifically about me and Buffy so only I can make it happen?"
The beep from the coffee maker rose to a painful shriek. They turned towards it just in time to see all the digital displays flash confused error messages, whereupon a cloud of smoke rose from the machine and it fell off the kitchen counter and lay dead on the floor.
"...Huh. Anyway, you're sure you've thought this through?"
Angel shrugged. "Alright then, if you say so, I guess it's for the greater good."
"Yes, sir." Riley spoke quietly to his secret Supplier Of Spy Stuff through the secret phone he kept concealed in his shoe. "That's about all I have for you right now. Oh, and I'm afraid I have some bad news. The Coffee Maker That Thinks is no longer with us. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but something managed to short out every single logic circuit in the darn thing."