Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing.
It's finally here. Strauss confronts the team about their "secrets."
"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Please have a seat." Strauss said to the seven team members who had just arrived in her office.
"Good evening, ma'am." The team said, together as they all sat down.
"I assume you all know why I called you in here, right?"
"Yes, we know why you called us in here. You found out some information on the seven of us." Rossi answered.
"That is correct. Now let's get started. Agent Morgan, if you don't mind, we'll start with you."
"Of course I don't mind." Morgan said.
"Great. First, I've been told that you enjoy playing with dolls. Then I've been told that you have five children by four different women. It has also been revealed that your father is Chinese, even though you're African-American. Your six pack abs are actually painted on. Every time you go to a restaurant, you tell the employees that it's your birthday. And you never received your high school diploma. Is that correct?"
"Yes ma'am. Do you want proof?" Morgan asked.
Strauss thought for a few minutes before answering.
"If you can prove three things to me, then that would be great." She answered.
"Alright then. Here is a picture of me and my father when I was five." Morgan said, as he handed Strauss a picture that was obviously photo shopped, unknown to Strauss.
"Hmm… He looks like a handsome man." Strauss said, as she examined the photo closely, before handing it back to Morgan.
"Thank you. How would you like to meet my children?"
"You mean your kids are here?" Strauss asked, shocked.
"Yeah, they wanted to see what my job was like. They're right outside the door. Do you want to see them or not?"
"Well, yes of course. Bring them in."
Morgan got up and opened the door, when five children came rushing towards him.
"Daddy!" All of them, but Destiny shouted because she was obviously too young to speak.
The three oldest children were actually amateur actors and actresses. The two youngest two had modeled for a small town baby magazine cover.
"Hello, kids!" Morgan said as he picked up Destiny from Dereka and embraced the children with a hug.
"Daddy, why is that strange lady over there looking at us?" Dante asked pointing at a shocked Strauss.
"Because she just found out that I have children. Her name is Mrs. Strauss. Can you all say hi to her?" Morgan asked the children.
"Hi, Mrs. Strauss." The four oldest children said.
"Hi." Strauss said.
"Daddy, can I fix her hair?" Dereka asked, excitedly.
"Sure you can." Morgan said.
"Agent Morgan, I really don't think…"
Before Strauss could finish what she was saying, nine year old Dereka was behind her, styling her hair.
"Hold still, Mrs. Strauss or you're going to make me mess up." Dereka said, as Strauss tried to get away from the child.
"Agent Morgan, please get your daughter away from me." Strauss demanded.
"Okay, fine! You don't have to be so bossy and rude. Besides I'm already done. Your hair looks very pretty." Dereka said as she held up a mirror in front of Strauss.
Strauss was shocked at what she saw in the mirror. It looked like a rat had crawled in her hair, and built a nest.
"Um, excuse me, but do you know how to say thank you?" An irritated Dereka asked.
"Daddy, why isn't Mrs. Strauss saying thank you to Dereka?" Dante asked.
"Oh, she just loves her hair so much, that she doesn't know what to say about it." Morgan said, lying.
"So she's not mad?" Desmond asked.
"No, of course not."
"Good because she better not be." Derek Jr. said.
"Believe me. She ain't mad." Morgan said, laughing.
"Agent Morgan, please stop laughing and show me proof of your third secret." Strauss angrily demanded.
"Okay, Okay. Sheesh, no need to get all hostile. Oooh a Barbie doll!" Morgan screeched as he took the doll from Dereka.
"Hey, that's my doll, daddy!" Dereka shrieked.
"Well, you need to learn how to share." Morgan said, playing with the doll."
"And you need to learn how not to take things from other people." Dereka Said.
"Hi, I'm Barbie. What's your name?" Derek asked in a mimicking voice of Barbie.
"I think I've seen enough, agent Morgan. The children may go now. Thank you very much." Strauss said, as she watched Morgan play with the doll.
"You got to be kidding me. I was about to introduce myself to Barbie, and now I have to give her back to my daughter. Fine, here take her. Morgan said, handing the doll to Dereka.
"Thanks daddy." Dereka said as she took the doll.
"Have a nice day, kids." Morgan said as the children walked out the door.
"Wow… that was unusual. Moving on. Agent Rossi, we'll start with you next. If it's alright?" Strauss asked.
" Sure, I don't see why not. You're going to get to me eventually. Might as well be now." Rossi answered.
"Great ok. I've been told that you enjoy prank calling people. You believe you are a leprechaun and are convinced that someone is trying to steal your gold. You pay someone else to write your books for you. You're afraid of butterflies. You bought every single ticket to the next Hannah Montana concert. And you take lunch money from children. Is all that true?"
"Yes ma'am. Every word of it is true. See, here are all the Hannah Montana concert tickets for next week. Rossi said, as he showed Strauss "fake" Hannah Montana tickets. But Strauss obviously couldn't tell the difference between real and fake.
"Wow, you must really be a huge fan of Hannah Montana. So what are you other two proofs?"
"Just a minute please. I'm on the phone." Rossi said as he was talking to someone on the phone. "Hello is this Mr. Zamala." Rossi asked, trying to keep a straight face.
"Well, Mr. Zamala, congratulations! You have just won a brand new car!"
"I can see that you're very excited. Would you like to know why you won?"
"Because apparently you're the world's dumbest idiot! I can't believe you actually fell for that!" Rossi said as he hung up the phone and began laughing hysterically.
"Agent Rossi, I can't believe you did that to that poor man." Strauss said, disgusted.
"He'll get over it." Rossi said, still laughing.
"Ma'am, let me handle this." JJ said. "Hey Rossi. Look at this."
"Oh, my God! Get it away! Get it away!" Rossi screamed at the live butterfly in the jar that JJ was holding, just inches from his face.
"The scary butterfly's going to eat your face off." JJ said, teasing.
"Mrs. Strauss, please tell JJ to get that monster away from me!"
"Alright Agent Jareau, you've punished him enough. Please stop scaring him." Strauss said.
"Yes, ma'am." JJ said as she put the jar away.
"Thank you ma'am." Rossi said, now calmed.
"You're welcome. Okay next person. Agent Garcia, let's go with you now."
"Yes ma'am. Fine with me." Garcia happily said.
"Alright then, I've been told that you drink your coffee with alcohol. You punched a girl for "stealing your style." You pour mud on all the floors of your house, to keep away the "evil spirits." You have an imaginary dog named, Frisco. You also talk to mannequins. And you can't count past ten. Is that all correct?"
"Yes ma'am. Ooh coffee! Can I have some please?" Garcia asked.
"Sure, help yourself."
"Thank you!" Garcia said, as she poured herself a cup of coffee, and then took out a flask from her purse. "I love alcohol with coffee! Keeps me awake!" Garcia exclaimed as she poured the alcohol into the cup and drank it. The flask actually had water in it, but Strauss didn't know that.
"Wow, so how long have you drunk your coffee with alcohol?" Strauss asked shocked.
"Hmm… I believe since I was 15."
"Did you say, fifteen?"
"Yes, ma'am. Why?"
"Oh, I was just wondering."
"Alright then. There's nothing wrong with just wondering. Oh, my God! Frisco, stop peeing on Strauss' leg! Bad dog! Ma'am I am so sorry about that. He's house trained, but apparently he's not office trained, yet. If I had known that he's was going to do that, I wouldn't have brought him here." Garcia said, apologizing.
Strauss didn't know what to say or think.
"I'm okay." Was all she could manage to say to Garcia.
"I am so embarrassed now. I can't believe… Oh my God! That bitch is wearing my style! Hey you, get back here!" Garcia screamed as she ran toward the door.
"Oh, dear. I don't think this is going to end well." Strauss said, concerned about the girl who stole Garcia's "style."
"I can say that we all agree with you. I feel bad for the poor girl that Garcia is going after." Hotch said.
"I just hope Garcia doesn't do too much damage to her. That last girl was…" Reid was about to say before Garcia walked back into the room. "Never mind."
"Sorry about that, everyone. I just hate it when others try to steal my style. Anything else, ma'am?" Garcia asked.
"No, nothing else. Thank you Agent Garcia. I think we should move onto our next person. Agent Jareau, is it alright if we go with you next?"
"Sure, fine with me." JJ said.
" Great, okay then. I've been told that you dress your son in girl's clothes and enter him in beauty pageants. You show up at parties, uninvited for free food. Agent Reid is actually the father of your son. You cover your son in green paint because you want an alien baby. You force Will to sleep in a dog house because you blame him for all the pain you went through, during the birth of your son. And your son's name is actually Alfredo Chipotle Frijoles De La Pasta LaMontagne. Is that all accurate?"
Yes ma'am. And in fact, my husband and son are right outside your door waiting to come in." JJ said.
"Well, bring them in. Don't leave them out there, all day." Strauss said.
"Yes ma'am. Emily could you please open the door and let my husband and son in?"
"Sure." Emily said, as she open the door, allowing Will and Henry to walk in.
"Thanks Emily. Hello everyone." Will said as he walked over to JJ.
Sure enough, Henry was covered in green paint and wearing a blue pageant dress with green lipstick.
"Alfredo! Mommy missed you so much!" JJ said, hugging her son.
Strauss had the "you have got to be kidding me look on her face," as she stared at JJ.
Wow, I think I've seen enough of this. Let's just move onto the next agent. Agent Reid, we'll go with you. Is that alright?"
"Sure, but could you wait just a minute? I have something to say." Reid said.
"I guess I could wait for a minute." Strauss said.
"Thank you. JJ, Now that I just found out that Henry or Alfredo is my son; I want his last name to be changed to Reid."
"Eww, are you crazy there is no way that I'm calling my son "Alfredo Chipotle Frijoles De La Pasta Reid." It doesn't have a nice ring to it. LaMontagne sounds fancier."
"Are you saying that this isn't my son?" Will asked, playing along.
"Thanks a lot, Reid. You just ruined my gift for Will for our one year anniversary next month. Now I have to find another gift for him." JJ said, irritated.
"You were going to tell me that this baby isn't my son, as an anniversary present?" Will asked, shocked and hurt.
"Yes Will, keep up with us."
Thinking that things may get out of hand, Strauss interrupted.
"Agent Reid, I really think we should continue with you."
"Sorry ma'am. You may continue." Reid said.
It's alright. So I've been told that your bed room wall is decorated with posters of Disney Princesses. You believe the Sandman is real and is out to get you. You pretend to be Batman. You're able to quote every chick flick that has been made. You think I'm a guy, dressed in drag. And you were kicked out of Disney World, for beating up Mickey Mouse. Am I right?"
"Yes sir. I mean ma'am. I mean sir. Seriously Strauss, lighten up on the makeup. You probably have on about 10 pounds of makeup.
"Agent Reid, I'm barely wearing any makeup." Strauss said, irritated.
"Whoa! No need to go all hostile on me. I was just stating what I believed. Sorry for offending you." Reid apologized.
"I forgive you. Just don't let it happen again."
"Yes ma'am. Dammit, there go another one of Mickey Mouse's children." Reid said, pointing at an imaginary mouse that just ran past his feet.
"How is that possible? There's never been a single mouse in this whole building. This has got to be the cleanest building in this city." Strauss said.
"Well, there's a first for everything." Reid answered.
"I guess you're right. So is there anything else you would like to share, Agent Reid?"
Without answering, Reid stripped off his clothes and beneath his clothes, was a Batman suit. He then slipped a Batman mask over his eyes. And jumped on top of Strauss' desk.
"Batman to the rescue!" He screamed.
"Agent Reid, get off my desk! This is embarrassing." Strauss rudely said.
Reid quickly jumped down from the desk. But in Reid's mind, he flew off the desk.
"Sorry ma'am. I was just trying to save everyone."
That's alright. What were you trying to save us from?"
"Any danger that may come this way. Don't hurt to always be prepared."
"Oh alright then. Let's move onto the next person. Agent Hotchner, do you mind?" Strauss asked.
"No, not at all." Hotch replied.
"Great, alright then. I've been told that when you're not working at the BAU, you're a stripper and your name is "Mr. Hotness on Fire." You scream like a girl, when you see a mouse. You dig holes in the neighbor's back yard, and blame their dog for it. You and your brother dress up as two of The Spice Girls and sing, "Wannabe." You get excited when a store get's a new Barbie Doll on the shelves and because of that, you start jumping up and down and screaming like crazy. And you think I'm your mother. Is everything accurate?"
Yes, mother. Everything is accurate." Hotch said.
"Agent Hotchner, just because our names sound the same, it doesn't mean that I'm your mother."
"Yes it does. Now if you don't mind, I'd like to bring my son in. He's just outside that door."
"Of course I don't mind. Bring him in."
Thank you. Jack, get in here!" Hotch shouted.
The door slowly opened, revealing Jack Hotchner.
"Grandma!" Jack shouted as he ran up to Strauss and hugged her.
"Agent Hotcher, please get your son off of me!" An angry Strauss demanded.
"Jack, please let go of Grandma. She's not as strong as she used to be. She's getting old. You wouldn't want to break any of her bones, would you?" Hotch asked.
"No daddy. Sorry Grandma." Jack said, playing along with his dad.
"I'm fine Jack." Strauss said.
"Daddy, I brought you a present."
"You did? What is it?"
Without answering, Jack took a mouse out of his back pack and showed it to Hotch.
Hotch began to scream like a girl.
"Okay, Okay I'm sorry. I'll put it back. No need to act like a big baby." Jack told his dad, as he placed the mouse back in his back pack. "There you go, Strauss Mouse. Daddy didn't mean to scare you. He's just afraid of you."
"You named that mouse after me?" Strauss asked disgusted.
"Yes Grandma. I named him after you. My favorite Grandma."
"Oh, I was just wondering. And remember I'm not you Grandma."
"That's not what Daddy told me."
"Well your daddy is wrong."
"I would argue with him if I were you. This could go on all night." Hotch said.
Strauss agreed with Hotch and stopped arguing with the child.
"Hey Hotch, someone just send me a text saying that there's a new Barbie Doll on the shelves at the store." Prentiss said.
"What? Let me see!" Hotch excitedly exclaimed.
Prentiss showed the text message to Hotch, and he began jumping and screaming.
"I have got to have that! Is this meeting almost over? That doll could be sold out in less than five minutes. This an emergency!"
"Not, again. This always happens every time there's a new Barbie Doll. Daddy don't worry, it'll still be there when we leave." Jack said.
"No, it won't. I need that doll now." Hotch whined.
"The meeting should be over in about 30 minutes. Then you can go and get your Barbie Doll." Strauss said.
"Thank you, mom!" Hotch happily shouted.
"Please don't call me that. And finally, Agent Prentiss, I'm sure you've been waiting for your turn.
"Yeah, I've been waiting for five years now. It's about damn time!"
"No, you have not been waiting for five years. You've only been waiting for about two hours."
"Great, now I'm embarrassed. So what do you want?" Prentiss asked, pretending to be embarrassed.
"Well, I've been told that you throw a fit every time the team doesn't buy you something at a store in each location for a case. You once posed as me, and fired a few people here. You order Happy Meals at McDonald's instead of adult meals because you think you deserve to have every McDonald's toy that has ever been made. When you receive a pay check, you asked for all of it in pennies. Two weeks before you joined the BAU, you stole a police car and arrested Agents Morgan, Jareau, Garcia and Reid. And you are convinced that you mother is the woman who played Sabrina Duncan on the television series, "Charlie's Angels." Is that all correct?"
"Yes ma'am. Everything is correct. Now I need to make a quick phone call. It's important." Prentiss said, as she began randomly pushing buttons. "Hello, Agent Anderson? This is Erin Strauss, and I regret to inform you that this is your final day on the job. So pack up your bags, hug everyone who walks by you, and walk out the doors that lead to the outside. You know the part with the cars and all that other outside stuff. It's been a pleasure having you here. I wish you the best in all your future endeavors." Prentiss said as she hung up the phone.
Strauss stared at her in shock. "I can't believe you just did that." She said.
"I'm just doing my job, ma'am. Check out this photograph of me and the team, a few years back." Prentiss said as she showed Strauss a photograph.
In the photograph were Prentiss, Reid, Garcia, Morgan and JJ all standing by a police car. And everyone except Prentiss were hand cuffed. They were all smiling too.
"Why is everyone wearing the same outfit that they're wearing today?" Strauss asked, suspicious.
"Because today is the fifth year anniversary for that. So everyone thought that it would be special to wear the same outfit from five years ago."
"Oh, alright then."
"Do you want to see my mom on TV? I bought the DVD." Prentiss said, holding up a "Charlie's Angels" DVD in front of Strauss' face.
"I suppose we could see one scene. Go ahead and place it in the DVD player."
"Alright then!" Prentiss said as she placed the DVD into the player and pressed play. "See, she's right there! That's my mom! Hi mom!"
"Agent Prentiss, thank you for sharing that with us. Now please remove the DVD from the player."
Without saying a word, Prentiss removed the DVD from the player.
For the next few minutes, everyone is silent, until Agent Anderson storms into the room.
"Mrs. Strauss, Why? I need this job!" He demanded.
"It wasn't me. Agent Prentiss was pretending to be me and fired you." Strauss said, defending herself.
"Quit blaming Miss Prentiss for your mistakes. She's too nice to do something like that." Anderson said, playing along with the team. Now I have to go and find another job. Need to support the family somehow." Anderson quickly left the office.
"Wow, he left before I could even explain." Strauss said in amazement. "Is there anything else you all would like to say to me?"
The team was silent for a few moments.
"Actually, yes there is something. We all lied to you." Hotch said.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have 37 traffic tickets." Hotch said.
"I beat up a 16 year old girl when I was 12." JJ revealed
"I spiked the punch at my senior prom." Morgan chimed in.
"I cheated on a test, during the ninth grade." Garcia said.
"I stole $5000.00 from my next door neighbor when I was ten." Reid quietly said.
"I kidnapped my Grandmother's cat and held it for ransom." Rossi revealed.
"And I'm perfect. Shame on all of you." Prentiss said, disappointed with her team.
Everyone stared at her.
"Alright fine. I'm not perfect. I stole a $75000.00 painting from a museum." Prentiss finally revealed.
Strauss was silent for a moment.
"That is the most unbelievable stuff I have ever heard. You guys are all liars. No one will believe that. Now I must call head quarters and tell them everything about you."
"Ma'am we really was telling the…" Reid was about to say before Rossi interrupted him.
"Reid, just let her do what she wants. You can't argue with her."
The team sat there silently listening to Strauss tell their "secrets" over the phone to head quarters.
"Well, head quarters are on their way over here to deal with all of you. So don't go anywhere." Strauss said with an evil smirk across her face.
15 minutes later…
Two large muscular men walk in the office, holding a straight jacket.
"Erin Strauss, you're going to have to come with us."
"What are you talking about? I didn't do anything wrong. It's all of them" Strauss said, pointing at the team.
"Now we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way. It's your choice, ma'am." One of the guys said.
Apparently Strauss chose the hard way and fought with them, but they finally got her.
"Have a nice vacation, Strauss! Send us a post card!" Prentiss shouted as she and the team watched Strauss being dragged away.
"So do any of you feel bad about all of this?" Rossi asked.
"Ummm… No, not really." The whole team said.
"Yeah, me neither."
"I really hope she enjoys her vacation. She really deserves it." Prentiss said.
"Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson.
So that's the end of the story. Sorry if this last chapter was a little too long. I would like to thank all the readers and reviewers of this story. Hope you all enjoyed it. :)