A/N. Today, One Man Writing Games and I decided that tomorrow is National Big Time Rush Day. If you need to know why, then you're not a real BTR fan. Shame. Oh, and this is kind of sudden but this will be the last chapter. I might write some one-shots related to it but I feel that it's time to end it. It didn't get the response I was hoping for and the number of reviews I got for each chapter was confusing. I'd get twenty something for one chapter and then twelve for the next. So yeah. It's over. I don't think it's sudden either. I like the way it ends like this. Anyway, I don't own anything.
"We will always remember the love that you shared. You've touched our lives. We will never forget you. Your memory will always survive." - 'We Will Always Remember' by Rachael Lampa.
"Ready?" Kendall shoved an extra flash light in his backpack and looked up at James and Carlos who were sitting on his bed, watching and waiting for him.
"Dude, we were waiting for you." Carlos pointed out. He bounced off the bed, the extra spring back in his steps. He turned and gave James a hand, pulling the taller boy to his feet. "Let's go."
The three boys trooped down the stairs and into the Knight's kitchen where Katie and Mrs. Knight sat at the table, making a string of cranberries together. They both looked up when they heard the boys approach.
"Do you have everything?" Mrs. Knight stood up and embraced each boy and looked at them in concern. "Are you going to be okay?"
Kendall managed a small smile. "Yeah." He said quietly. "We'll be okay. We want to do this." He exchanged glances with his two friends and then said more firmly, "We need to do this." He kissed his mother and bent to hug Katie. "We'll be back before lunch tomorrow, okay?"
The five exchanged goodbyes and the boys left the warm house and stepped out into the cold December air. Minnesota winters were always harsh and tonight was certainly no exception. The boys bent their heads against the wind and made their way along the ice covered sidewalks. They had decided against driving and even though it was freezing outside, they were glad to have the quiet to think.
Lights shone from inside the houses lining the street and they could hear the sound of music and laughter coming from inside the warm shelters. They waved to Carlos' sisters as they passed his house and stopped at James' home to check in with his parents one last time for the night. Then they set off more purposefully.
The house was dark and lonely looking as they approached the doorstep. As Carlos stepped on the porch, he slipped on a small patch of ice and reached out for Kendall to keep his balance. Kendall didn't expect the sudden contact and grabbed for James. All three boys crashed to the ground. Before he could even think, Carlos burst out laughing. Then, as he realized what he had done, he clapped a hand over his mouth and looked at Kendall and James with wide-eyes.
Kendall and James both chuckled softly. "He would have laughed too." James whispered. He stood up and then helped Kendall and Carlos back up. Then he pulled the key from his pocket and with a trembling hand, inserted it into the lock.
It was exactly how they had left it the last time they visited. Which was exactly what the realtor wanted and why they were still allowed to come in the first place. Then again, there was a small difference. The boys walked slowly up the stairs and swung open the door. As they walked into the familiar bedroom, they smiled. Carlos sank to his knees and pulled a ox out of his backpack, the others mimicking his actions. Then they carefully decorated the small Christmas tree they had brought up to Logan's room.
It was a little better than a Charlie Brown type Christmas tree but to them, it was the most beautiful Christmas tree any of them had ever seen. And when Carlos set the tiny paper crane on the top, it was perfect in their eyes.
"Remember when we got a Christmas tree at Palm Woods?" James wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. "It was the first Christmas tree Logan had since before his mom died. Remember how excited he was?"
Kendall smiled. "He was like a little kid." He recalled fondly. "He looked all over the tree lot until he found the best tree there. When we took it home and decorated it he said it was the most beautiful tree he had ever seen."
"He told me later that he remembered his mom saying the same thing every year." Carlos adjusted a glass snowflake so that it faced him and then let his hand fall and rest on his knees. "I don't remember Mrs. Mitchell very well but my mom always said that Logan really took after her. She must have been amazing."
Kendall and James nodded in silent agreement. "So," Kendall finally said. "What now?"
James shrugged, tears starting to form in his hazel eyes despite his best effort to be strong. "I miss him." He whispered. He laid his head on his arms and started to cry. He felt Carlos and Kendall come closer to him and for a while they all sat there, mourning their loss.
"He- Logan wouldn't want us to cry tonight." James finally managed to stop the tears and he pulled gently away from his friends. "It's Christmas Eve." He stood up and pressed his face to the cold glass window pane, staring out into the dark night. "I wish it would snow. Remember how Logan always wanted a white Christmas?"
"Yup." Carlos joined him, soon followed by Kendall. "Other than the years we were in LA, he got his wish almost every year." He sighed, his breath fogging up a small section of the window. "So far all it's done lately is rain." He added sadly.
"There's still time." Kendall pointed out optimistically. "It sure is cold enough. Have either of you listened to the weather forecast lately?"
James shook his head. "Not me. But the last time I heard, it didn't sound too promising." He glanced at Carlos who shook his head. "I guess we'll find out." James brushed a stray strand of hair off his forehead and crossed the room and sat down on Logan's bed. "Anyway," He said, abruptly changing the subject. "I've been thinking."
Kendall and Carlos joined him on the bed, silent as they waited for him to go on.
James stared at his hands for a while before he took a deep breath and went on. "You know how we all went to. . . Logan's grave and we wanted to do something special to remember him by?" Suddenly too nervous to sit still, he stood up and began pacing the room. He stopped by the tree and took the paper crane off, cradling it carefully in his hands.
"James, are you okay?" Carlos ventured tentatively.
James swallowed hard and smiled. "I am." He said. "I mean, I miss Logan a ton every day and it hurts like anything to think about him and everything. But. . . I'm okay." He nodded. "Yeah."
"What's on your mind then?" Kendall asked softly.
"It might be a little crazy." James warned. He sat back down but his left leg bounced up and down restlessly. "See, I was thinking about how we have all this money we made from when we were Big Time Rush. It's just sitting in the bank doing nothing."
Carlos frowned slightly. "I thought we were going to. . . use it for college."
James flinched slightly at the mention of college. "There's plenty of it though. I mean, it's not like any of us need it for an Ivy League school." He fell silent as they all thought about Logan. Then he cleared his throat. "Kendall, you'll probably get a hockey scholarship. Carlos, you mentioned going to the police academy like your dad. I. . ." He blushed and dropped his gaze. "I was thinking of getting back into the whole singing thing and-"
"James, that's great!" Kendall exclaimed enthusiastically. "Logan would love that."
James returned his smile. "I know." He said, his voice shaking just slightly. "But I was thinking, if that all happened, then neither of us would need the money. Sure, we could use it for later on in life when we get married and need houses of our own but. . . It's a lot of money and. . ."
"James, just tell us!" Carlos encouraged.
James' eyes burned with tears. "I don't want a stranger to live here." He finally said.
At first all Kendall and Carlos could do was stare at James, speechlessly. Then, Carlos jumped to his feet, a huge grin lighting up his entire face. "James, that's a brilliant idea!" He said eagerly. "It's perfect!" He clapped his hands together as if to emphasize his words. "I don't know why we didn't think of it before. We want to remember Logan and what better way to do that than by buying his house? We won't have to sell anything. We can keep it the way it is and everything."
"But there's just one thing." James broke in through Carlos' excitement. "What would we do with it? I mean, sure it'd be great to buy it and everything. But Logan wouldn't want it to just sit here and do nothing. We might be going to college next year. What then?" He shook his head. "We have to buy it for a reason."
Carlos calmed down but the smile only faded a little bit. He returned to his place on Logan's bed and grew thoughtful. "You're right." He agreed. "Any thoughts?"
Kendall shrugged. "I'm not sure yet but I love your idea too, James. We can't get our money until we're twenty-one or if our parents give it to us and I don't think they'd protest too much. But we do need a reason." He sighed. "It should be a special reason. "Something that would mean a lot to Logan."
Then all three boys exchanged glances and grinned. "Got it." They said as one.
James gave his friends high-fives and stood up. He tugged a notebook and pen out of his backpack. "How does this sound?" He asked. "We buy Logan's house and fix it up to be the headquarters for a cancer foundation." He paused, pen in the air. "We don't touch this room." He said softly and sighed in relief when Kendall and Carlos agreed. "Right So we leave Logan's room alone, but we set up the rest as a sort of office building. It's pretty big so it shouldn't be too hard."
"And," Kendall added. "Say all of our plans go the way we want them to. Say I get on a professional hockey team. Then-"
"You will." Carlos interrupted.
"Maybe." Kendall said cautiously. "I hope." He smiled at the mention of hope. "Anyway, let's just say that happens."
"You'll be rich!" Carlos cheered.
Kendall gave Carlos a gentle shove. "Let me finish!" He laughed. "Carlos is right though. Even the worst players make plenty of money. But aside from that, professional athletes have a ton of connections. I might even get my whole team involved and we could have fund raisers at games and all that."
James nodded and pointed his pen at Carlos. "Carlos, you're the same. I mean, you're not going to be making millions like Kendall will." He ducked the pillow Kendall threw at him. "But policemen are always having charity auctions and everything."
"And you, James," Carlos said, eager to embarrass his other friend. "You're going to be a famous pop star and you can sing at all of our fund raisers and everything."
"This could really work out." Kendall said, unable to hide his own excitement. "It's like. . . it was meant to be."
The boys were quiet as they thought over Kendall's words. They knew in their hearts that it was meant to be. After all they had been through, they had finally reached a point where they could talk about Logan without breaking down into tears. It was still hard going through new life's experiences without him, and they knew that Christmas Day would be hard as well. But they were healing. And James' idea had given them new life and new purpose. It gave them the drive that they had been missing to go after their former dreams.
"It will work out." Carlos finally whispered. A tear slid down his cheek and he didn't bother to brush it away. "It has to. It will."
"We'll do it for Logan." James said. "What better way to remember him by? He'd love this. He'd love for Kendall to play hockey and Carlos be like his dad and me to sing. And he'd love that we would help people in need too. He'd love everything about this. Of course. . . I'd rather not have to do any of this if it meant we could have him back but. . . I think this is what we need. Something to really live for. You know?"
"Yeah." Kendall and Carlos nodded.
"We could make a paper crane as our symbol or whatever." Carlos suggested shyly. "I mean, if it's too corny then-"
"No." James shook his head. "It's perfect."
Kendall's eyes lit up. "Our motto!" He walked over to Logan's bookshelf and pulled a book of Greek mottoes out and grinned. "Remember this?" He flipped through the pages and came to one that Logan highlighted. "This was always his favorite. 'Dum Spiro, Spero.' It means, 'While I breath, I hope.'"
"Perfect." James said again. "So," He stood up and placed the crane back on the top of the tree. "When do we tall our parents?"
Carlos could hardly restrain himself. His bright personality had almost completely returned and their conversation had him almost bouncing off the walls. It was good seeing him so happy and Kendall and James smiled. "Tonight!" He practically yelled. "We can call them and-"
"No." Kendall had to disagree. "Let's wait. Until tomorrow at least. I just want to stay here tonight with you guys tonight. We can plan more if you want to."
Carlos considered and shook his head. "No." He said. "Let's take a break and just. . . be here."
"Hey, guys!" James said suddenly. He had walked over to the window and turned to face them with a huge smile on his face. Tears were in his eyes though and Kendall and Carlos got up curiously. James turned back to the window. "Look." He said in a choked voice.
It was snowing. The white flakes were falling to the ground, coating it in a thick white blanket, making the bleak surroundings look suddenly beautiful.
Carlos grabbed each of his friends' arms and tugged them away from the window. "Get dressed." He ordered. He hopped on one foot while he tried to pull on a boot. "We're going out there."
It was a tradition when they were little. Whenever a new snow fall greeted them, they always ran outside, made snow angels and snow men, had snowball fights, and went to the pond. James and Kendall hurried along with Carlos and the three boys pulled on their winter clothes before dashing outside.
The air seemed warmer somehow but their breath still clouded around them. They ran down the street, taking the short cut through the woods and emerging on the other side, coming to a stop at the edge of the pond.
"That day we first met will always be the first day of my life." Kendall said as he stepped on the icy surface, sliding slightly on his boots.
Carlos headed out onto the ice with a little more boldness than Kendall. "Remember when we fought over Logan?" He asked Kendall. "And then you saved him from my crazy skating, James."
James tilted his head and looked up into the night sky, squinting as the snow fell harder. "He saved my life here." He said quietly. "Twice if you think about it."
Kendall and Carlos gently tugged him onto the ice with them and the boys laid down on the snow that was beginning to cover the surface. Like they had always done when they were little boys they spread their arms and legs and waved them, making angels in the white powder. Then they stood up and surveyed their work.
"I still wish Logan was here tonight." James admitted, a tear escaping despite his best effort to keep it hidden. He laughed in spite of himself. "You don't think my tears will freeze to my face do you?"
"Logan is here." Carlos reminded him. "And I really hope your tears don't freeze to your face. That's be weird."
"You know," James brushed another tear away. "Since Logan's birthday I've wanted to live. They say that's pretty common in people who attempt suicide. Like if they overdose, they call for help. I didn't call my parents or you guys or 911. But I think I did call for help without realizing it. I called Logan for help. And he came to the rescue like he always did."
"He didn't just save you." Kendall said thoughtfully. "He saved all of us."
"Yeah." Carlos had settled down and lowered himself to a cross-legged position in front of his snow angel. Kendall and James joined him. "Now it's our turn to repay the favor. I mean, we can't save him. He's okay now. He's with his mom and. . . he's great now. But we have to keep his memory alive."
"We will." Kendall and James promised together.
The three boys sat close together, keeping warm in the cold. Then at the same time, they felt another presence by their side and they smiled. "Merry Christmas, Logan. Thanks for everything."
It was then, that they knew without a doubt that they were going to be okay. Logan was right. It had been a hard journey and it was far from over. They still faced many obstacles in their future. It was Christmas Eve, and the very next day would be hard. The anniversary of Logan's death would be coming up after that before they knew it. But Logan had been right. They were together again and they were stronger. They would make it.
Whatever lay ahead of them though, they knew one thing. They would never forget Logan. He would always be with them, living on in the memories they shared. They would take him wherever they went.
A/N. So it's over. I don't really know what to say. I hope none of you are disappointed and I hope it wasn't abrupt. I like it ending this way. I want to thank all of the loyal readers who encouraged me by reviewing this story. It wasn't easy to write and I know it wasn't easy to read. I would never have finished it if it wasn't for you guys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.