Disclaimer: If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.
A/N: Uh, hey there. *waves* Yes, I'm still incredibly busy, but I wrote this a couple of weeks ago and thought now would be a good time to publish it. To make the wait for the other one more bearable. It's written in 2nd person POV (not that you won't notice that yourself), and set sometime post season 5. Season 6, I guess.
What's terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate, that you don't need love when you do or that you like your work when you know quite well you're capable of better. ~ Doris Lessing
Life shouldn't be this difficult. It shouldn't be all twisted up in knots. You're supposed to be with the one you love. You should be happy . . . with the one you love.
You have a great husband. Without a doubt, many women would think of him as Prince Charming. And he is. . . . He's good looking; sexy body, pretty eyes, a charming smile . . . great hair. He's kind, thoughtful, sweet, isn't afraid to talk about feelings . . . not to mention that adorable Australian accent he has. He's a doctor, reasonably well-off, respected, polite and, most importantly, he treats you like a princess. He wants it all, a marriage, 2.5 kids and a white picket fence in the suburbs, complete with a vivacious Golden Retriever.
Then why does your heart still skip a beat whenever you see him? Why is your stomach all twisted up in knots whenever he is near you? Why is it enough to just see him for a couple of minutes, not even that, and life is beautiful again? Why is it that you feel alive whenever you are around him and merely content when you are with your husband?
It shouldn't mean anything. It's just one of those inexplicable things. Inexplicable, yet meaningless, because you can't still have feelings for him. Not after all these years.
You've changed so much since you started working for him. You've grown. There are no more princes on white horses and happily-ever-after's for you. Robert still believes in fairy tales, and you think how cute it is for someone to be this naïve. You wonder if he thought the same of you all those years ago. Not that it matters.
That's the whole point, actually . . . people change, love doesn't last. It's been six years since you started working for him . . . met him . . . That's probably more than an average marriage lasts. See, you can't possibly still have feelings for him.
You're content right now, with Robert, which is more than you can say about most of your relatively short life. It's comfortable to be with him. 'Like microwave pizza' . . . the phrase floats into your mind. But it's not that you're settling for second best. Those doubts that you had, that was just cold feet . . . . That's normal, right? Everyone has them before they get married. If Robert says he didn't have them, that he was sure . . . he's just naïve. You know this won't be easy, but you've made your choices, and you've made your peace. This is what you want. And you're not settling for second best, because you never had number one. No, that's not right. There never was a number one, he was just a stop on the road that led you to where you are now. Utterly content with a loving husband.
If you occasionally seek his company, it is just because he is a funny guy. Some people are like that; they always know how to make you smile. And he just happens to be one of them. Robert isn't, but no one's perfect, right?
And if you happen to seek his advice whenever in doubt, it's just because he is blatantly honest. Some may see that as a fault, but that doesn't mean you have feelings for him just because you don't agree with them. You've simply discovered that lies, no matter how sweet they sound, never helped anyone in the long run, and he is the go-to guy when you want the truth. Robert . . . Robert just wants you to be happy and he's willing to do anything for that to happen.
And if you occasionally trust him with your deepest fears, that doesn't mean you don't trust Robert. Because you do . . . trust him. It's often the hardest to tell your deepest secrets to someone you love rather than. . . . Right, that's all there is to it. It's perfectly normal.
And if you feel a strange warmth whenever he is near you, that's just because you don't have to pretend around him. Because that's what you do around the people you love, and you don't love him.
And if it happens to make you happy whenever he trusts you with one of his secrets, that's just because you are glad that he is reaching out, and not because it is you he chose to reach out to. Because you care about him. But you care about everyone. He sure made enough jokes on that account. And he was right.
Because you certainly don't have any deeper feelings for him. Everything you feel whenever you're around him can be rationally explained.
And when it comes to your apparent inability to extricate him from your life, well, that's just because he is a fascinating person. He is brilliant, really. And even though you don't work for him anymore, it still feels inspiring to be around his brilliance. You've learned so much from him. Personally and professionally. That's just another reason on your list. You admire him and care about him, and that is all. Besides, you've stuck around Robert for the same amount of time . . . and Foreman . . . and the whole hospital. It really doesn't mean anything.
Like the fact that your lips shape into a smile, your eyes twinkle, and your heart starts beating just that much faster when you see him stroll down the hallway towards you.
Or the fact that your batteries seem instantly recharged, even though you're approaching the end of a double shift when he smiles at you. That soft, genuine smile that you so rarely see on his face. Only almost every time he pays you a visit. But that has nothing to do with the fact that you suddenly feel like you could climb mountains.
His eyes literally shine. But that has nothing to do with the warm tingling sensation all over your body.
Or the fact that he is carrying a take-away coffee and places it on the counter right next to where your hand rests. . . . He owed you one anyway.
And if it feels like the world stops on its axis, and everything but you and he fades away into the background when he says "Hey," that means nothing. It's just because you're tired and sleep-deprived.
"Wow, you look like crap. The ER sure isn't doing you any favours," he says as he shakes his head.
A flat-out insult. Not that it matters, but any insult out of his mouth makes you feel so much better than a hundred "I love you's" from Robert's. You should feel guilty. You do . . . just a little bit, but it's drowned out by everything else. Because it doesn't matter. Robert is your husband and House is. . . .
Well, you certainly don't have any feelings for him. That much is clear.
A/N: There may not be many House/Cameron scenes post season 3, but the ones that are, are great. I love their new dynamics. They seem to be on the same wavelength, especially since Cameron seems to have acquired some of House's cynicism regarding relationships and everything. Not to mention how open and honest they are with each other about everything. Well, except about that great pink elephant in the corner. Seeing this, I can't think of her relationship with Chase as nothing but a joke. And a bad one at that.
Um, I'll start working on the next chapter of Until Death soon. Today. Possibly.