A/N: Part of the Linker Cores War from Takamachi Nanoha of 2814. I decided I have enough material for this to be a separate entry on it's own.
FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Chapter 1: Are You My Master?/A Lost Batarang/ HANDS OFF SHIRO-KUN!/"Sailor Moon warned us about days like this,"/ Oh, Crap/ Kuro Needs Prana Badly
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!
Night fell. It's a simple pair of words, but it holds a lot of activity.
Tohsaka Rin, magus, looked down at her research. To think she'd be part of the Fifth Holy Grail war! Ha! She'd show that bitch Luvia. A Saber, yes, she'd finally get a Saber, and as soon as she did, the first order of business would be to get it to kick the gaijin bitch's ass!
She felt an evil laugh bubbling up and didn't even try to suppress it as she threw back her head and made like Mark Hamill in a Paul Dini production. The shade of the lamp next to her shifted ominously…
Luviagelita Edelfelt, magus, looked down at her research. To think she'd be part of the Fifth Holy Grail war! Ha! She'd show that bitch Rin. A Servant, yes, she'd finally get a Servant, a real Servant and not just a maid, and as soon as she did, the first order of business would be to get it to kick the Japanese bitch's ass!
She felt an evil laugh bubbling up and didn't even try to suppress it as she threw back her head and made like Neil Patrick Harris in a Joss Whedon production. The shade of the lamp next to her shifted ominously…
Miyu, in her room, looked up in concern as the sound of her employer's laughter echoed through the mansion, sighed, and went back to cuddling her Illya Dakimakura…
Batman posed dramatically on top of the tallest building in Fuyuki city. He was tired, sore from sitting all day, and pissed off at traffic in general. Bruxe Wayne had pleaded being too tired to get anything done at the office, and tonight, the criminals of Fuyuki would be paying for that. And because he was Batman, this posing was not only suitably dramatic, being outlined in the sky and everything , but also served to give him the quickest overview of the city.
Drawing out his grappling hook, he leapt, and the last of his 'civilian' thought– whether he'd be able to turn the Batmobile into a transforming robot battlesuit– was subsumed. Tonight, justice would be done!
In the residential areas, Matou Shinji used his little magic book to Bind Rider to his will while his sister locked herself in her room, knowing it was futile, as her own Command Seals darkened and seemed to fade away. Matou Zouken plotted to take advantage of the latest Holy Grail War…
Yes, these assholes will get what's coming to them.
'Kuro Illya' von Einzbern-Emiya pushed open the door to the house she shared with her 'sister' Illya, the luscious Shiro, the maids Sella and Leysritt, and on occasion their 'parents'. It was strangely quieter than usual and she frowned around as she exchanged her footgear. "Hello? Hey, meidos!"
Heading for the kitchen, she spotted a note on the table. Dropping her bag, she read it. "Dear Illyas. Went to fix up our castle in the woods. Might need to move in there in case of emergency. Probably won't be back until tomorrow or later. Have dinner, keep the house clean, and don't kill any burglars or attempted rapists, hiding the evidence of them dying by magic is difficult. Love, Mom."
Kuro blinked. "We own a castle in the woods?"
Shrugging, she put the note back for Shiro and Illya to read when they came back. It was really unlike Shiro to not be home at this time. Heh, he'd probably been shanghaied into doing something for the archery club. Kuro sniffed. Those wannabes called themselves archers? Hah! Could they shoot a fly's wings off at two kilometers? she wondered where her 'sister' had gone off to. She was feeling a little light-headed, and could do with a little mana…
Grinning, she went to see what Miyu was doing. She felt her Maid Switch snap up as she traipsed off across the street…
Shiro, to his regret, found himself in the crossfire between an Archer Class Servant and a Lancer Class Servant, and two teenaged mages who if anything were fighting even harder to beat the crap out of each other. This could not go well…
Emiya Shiro had been having a bad night. So far, he'd stayed late at school, been stabbed, somehow recovered but in extreme pain, ran all the way home being chased by a maniac with a spear, and was now bleeding to death in the storeroom in the back yard where his father had sometimes secretly taught him magic ("Don't tell you mother, you sister or the maids, okay? Superheroes don't flaunt who they are."). And now…
"Are you… my Master?"
Now, things were just getting fucked up…
Illya and Miyu walked home tiredly. Their classmates had insisted on seeing a movie that had just come out, and they were only just heading home. Miyu in particular was stressed from their classmates pestering her to 'unlock the Miyu path'!
Thus, they didn't notice the dark shadow lurking beneath a dead lamppost until it barred their path. "Hello, little girliesh.." it slurred, sounding drunk and generally dislikable.
Before the girls could react though, there was an 'erk', and the drunk suddenly collapsed, something metallic clattering to the ground next to him.
"EH?" Illya said in shock, looking around. "W-who did that?-!"
Miyu blinked at her. "Illya-chan?"
"This was the perfect opportunity for some new character to introduce themselves dramatically by rescuing us!" Illya cried. "Where are they?"
Miyu sweatdropped, before looking down and frowning. She picked up a forearm-length piece of black metal, curved and symmetrical, its overall appearance hard to make out in the darkness. She flexed it experimentally, and some catch in it released, and a hinge in the middle bent. Miyu experimentally folded it, unfolded it, and folded it again.
"What did you find there, Miyu-chan?" Illya said as she realized no one was about to dramatically introduce themselves.
Miyu handed it to her. "I can't tell what it is, it's too dark," she said.
Illya frowned down at it, turning it around in her hands. "Let's wait until we get home," she said, walking on the unconscious would-be attacker, tucking the metal thing in her bag. "There might be more of this guy around."
Miyu followed her down the road, the two hurrying now, more alert and looking around.
On top of a building, Batman grunted and chalked one batarang as a loss…
The first thing they noticed as the hole in the wall. Really. With Rin and Luvia around, loud screaming, bright flashes of light, blasts of magic and general sounds of violence were not all that unusual, hence why the neighbors hadn't come out to see what was happening beyond a cry for them to "GO TO SLEEP, YOU CRAZY TEENAGERS!".
Illya frowned. "There's a hole in my wall," she said. "Why is there a hole in my wall?"
The two looked at each other and pulled out their Kaleidosticks, transforming into magical girls.
They leapt the wall, posed, and froze. This was not so that people would be able to appreciate their pose.
"I don't care if he saw anything!" Luvia was berating a man dressed in blue holding a spear. "You don't hurt Shiro-kun, got that?-!"
"But he's a MASTER!" the man said, pointing at Shiro with his spear.
Luvia thwapped him upside the head. "I DON'T CARE! SHIRO-KUN'S OFF LIMITS!"
Shiro, at this point, was trying to hold back an armored blonde woman in a blue dress, one arm wrapped around her waist, the other gripping her arm at he wrist and trying to keep her from moving or, alternately, using her sword. "No Saber, no fighting, no fighting!"
"Master, I must fight! I am you weapon in the Holy Grail war, and that is how it is done. Now release me!"
"LUVIA!" Rin cried, bounding over the opposite wall. "DON'T YOU DARE HURT SHIRO, YOU BITCH! ARCHER, TAKE HER!"
"So troublesome," Archer grumbled, but drew a set of paired short blades.
"Damn you, Rin! Lancer, kill the bitch!"
"Finally, an order that makes sense!" Lancer grumbled, and charged.
"No, no fighting!" Shiro cried, still trying to hold on to Saber. "I don't know what's going on, but Rin,-san, Luvia-san, no fighting!"
"NO!" the two girls chorused. "DIE, BITCH!"
"WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON HERE!-?-!-?-!-?-!-?" Illya cried.
"Shut up, people are trying to sleep!" someone cried, and a thrown shoe hit Illya in the face.
"Agh!" she cried, falling off the fence.
"Illya!" Miyu cried, leaping down to help her. "Don't worry, Illya-chan, I know mouth to mouth!"
"Eh? What does mouth to mouth have to do with this?"
"You're supposed to use it on people who are falling."
"Drowning, Miyu, that's for drowning."
"Are you sure? Maybe we should just try…"
"Another Master?" Saber observed. "This is the perfect opportunity gain a strategic advantage in this war. EX-"
"No, Saber, NO FIGHTING, NO FIGHTING!"
"Master, unhand my sword!"
Somewhere, Amakawa Yuuto sneezed, and it wasn't because of the catgirl spirit snuggling him opposite the corpse-looking wet Mizuchi loli.
Illya struggled back up to the top of the wall, and Miyu boosted her up. "Thanks for the help, Miyu," she said.
"You're welcome Illya."
"You can take your hand off my ass now."
"Your hand, my ass?"
"That's all right."
"Really Miyu, you can take it off now, I'm not going to fall off the fence."
"Thank you. Ruby, harisen mode! Transfer all power to maximize speed!"
"On it, Illya! Ready to go!"
"No fighting, no fighti– ACK!" THWACK!
The combatants all reeled back from the harisen blows to the head, stunned and confused and in Shiro's case sporting a pair of swirly eyes.
Illya landed lightly on top of Shiro's shed in the backyard where she knew he kept all sorts of appliances he tried to fix. Her nose was bleeding slightly from the shoe, but she didn't notice. "All right, what's going on here? Why are all you people fighting in my house?-!-?"
"Illya, good timing!" Rin called, holding her head. She pointed. "Attack Luvia, and I promise I'll make it worth your while!"
"Agh! Traitorous Rin! Miyu, in know you're there! Attack Tohsaka, now!"
"Can't I stay out of this?" Miyu muttered, clenching Sapphire and shuffling nervously.
"No fighting, no fighting…" Shiro said dazedly.
"Oh, shut up!" Archer, Lancer and Saber all cried.
Illya growled and took a step forward to prove she meant business.
As much as Shiro worked on his magic and appliances, his shed was a different matter altogether.
Illya lost her footing as a shingle came loose under her feet, and gave a cry as her legs slipped forward out from under her, causing her to slide off the roof. She feel ass-first on the thankfully spring grass, but ended up rolling backwards into the shed. They all heard a cry as she fell down the step and rolled into the building, followed by a crash as she hit the appliances Shiro had left all over the floor. The mere mortals winced.
Illya haggard voice drifted out of the shed. "Sailor Moon warned us about days like this."
Shiro frowned. "How does Illya know Sailor Moon?"
Rin, Luvia and Miiyu all looked away nervously and whistled.
Then the light of a summoning circle appeared.
Illya surprised yelp came from the shed, followed almost immediately by a low, deep, gravelly growl that somehow hit all the same notes in everyone's brains that the words "This army!" or "I'm pregnant and yes, it's yours" usually did. Purest, unadulterated terror suddenly coursed through everyone's veins, and tendrils of darkness seemed to reach out from the open shed door, making the night seem blacker.
The ground shook as the darkness of the shed seemed to deepen, and two blazing white eyes appeared in the center, all the brighter for the contrast. A hulking figure stepped out of the shed, it's every step felt through feet and bones and the little hind part of the brain humans inherited from their distant not-quite-mammal ancestors that warned them a Tyrannosaurus Rex was about to eat them. It straightened as it crossed the threshold, revealing a gigantic being easily ten feet tall, and then some. It was armored from head to toe, a dark, twisted armor that made the eyes hurt to look directly at it, smooth curves jarringly contrasting with sharp angles and spikes, seemingly all of one piece.
It wore a helm just as black, the front a smooth plate, unadorned except for a pair of glowing white eyeholes. The sides, however, were as eye-searing twisted as the rest of the armor. Two long, straight horns rose straight up from the side of the helms, smooth as ivory. A black haze seemed to cover him, causing his very outline to shift widely even as they watched. Illya lay nestled on the crook of one arm, her eyes wide, but not fearful. His other hand lay still, a length of chain wrapped around his forearm, the end trailing almost to the ground. The tip, a strangely squarish pronged thing, had struck the ground at his every step.
A black cape hung from its shoulders. Well, hung perhaps was not the right word. It hung there like a dragon or a bomb 'hung' in the sky, at any moment ready cause violence. It was as if someone had cut a piece of the night, burned out the stars and given it life, its substance so dark it outlined the figure as clear as day. Weapons hung at it's belt, chains and blades and other things of clearly a dangerous property.
Then the figure spoke. It was the voice children first hear din their mind when they imagined death. It wasn't like the true voice of death, which was nice and actually a good singing voice, and that made it much worse.
"Stop…" it said in a gravelly rasp, the word entering more through the fight-or-flight reflex than the ears. "Cease combat… Or answer to me…"
"Servant?" Saber asked quietly, more to reaffirm to herself she was still alive and not already a corpse.
"Servant," Archer confirmed.
"Oh, Crap," Lancer said.
"No fighting?" Shiro ventured hopefully.
"Archer, defend me!" Rin cried.
"Lancer, Miyu!" Luvia called.
The two Servants leapt to position themselves in front of their Masters, while Miyu came more hesitantly. Saber was able to pull of Shiro's suddenly hesitant hand from her wrist, shrugging him off her waist and holding her sword in both hands before her.
The white slits of light seemed to narrow somehow. "You know what I am. You know what I can do. But I am holding a small child here. And if you make me do anything that could possibly endanger this child... You will be very, very sorry… Forever… So speaks Berserker…"
The Servants hesitated.
Illya frowned, raised Magical Ruby, and slapped the harisen on the end of it on the side of Berserker's face.
Everyone's jaws dropped.
"You heard my big brother!" Illya said. "No fighting! Anyone got a problem with that?"
"What the hell is going on here?"
Everyone turned towards the front gate, where Kuro was surveying the scene with a very annoyed look. "Look, right now, I need Prana badly, I want to go to sleep and I'm not in the mood for nonsense," the dark-skinned girl said. "So what's– HEY!"
She pointed at Archer, who raised an eyebrow.
"What are you doing stealing my look?-!" she demanded. "That's my look! How dare you make it less revealing and liable to get me arrested for indecent exposure! And you're using Kanshou and Bakuya! I'm the one who uses Kanshou and Bakuya around here buddy! I want a good explanation for this right now! But first…!"
Miyu 'eeped" in surprise as Kuro suddenly grabbed her, their lips slamming together.
KISS! WITH LOTS OF TONGUE! PRACTICALLY MOUTH RAPE!
A faint Miyu hung from Kuro's arms as the other girl sighed in contentment. "Ah, I've needed that. Now, my explanation please?"
"Kuro! Get your hands off Miyu!" Illya exclaimed.
Another shoe hit her in the face. "I said KEEP IT DOWN! PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO SLEEP OVER HERE!"
Somewhere else in Fuyuki City, Batman suddenly had a very bad feeling…
- To be continued...
A/N: Shiro is fun. He can fight like a badass, and yet is still such a weenie making fun of him is so EASY! How Archer ever came from him, I'll never know.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.