A/N: Fun with titles. Those who do not like (BLEEP) are being warned. There will be (BLEEP).

Any chance this being recommended on the FST fanfic recs page? TvTropes, dattebayo!


FATE/Holy Grail War of 2814

by Shadow Crystal Mage

Chapter 5: Spending Lots Of Domestic Time And Training Montages VS All Of Us Being The Victim Of A Single Evil Maniac Who Inflicted Horrendous Evil On Us In The Past, Causing Us To Grudgingly Agree To Work Together To Kill Him, And Finally Learning To Respect Each Other As We Go Through Hell And Near-Death Experiences, While Revealing Our Respective Origin Stories To Each Other In Poignant, Heartwarming Tearjerker Scenes, While Undergoing Lots Of Character Development! Illya's Choice!/The Servants (And Kuro) Set Out!/OH, DOUBLE CRAP!/Unlimited Blade Works!

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in this story. If I did… well, this would all be canon. WARNING: MAY CAUSE HEAD EXPLOSION!


Days pass…

"I just got a very homoerotic proposition from Shinji today," Shiro said over dinner.

Rin, Luvia, and Illya all did a spit-take. "WHAT?" they all chorused, staring at Shiro.

Kuro made a sound. "Huh. I'd have thought Issei would have made a move first. How'd it go, bro? Did you score?"

"I certainly hope you used protection," Iris said. "Who knows where that boy's been."

"Matous," Kiritsugu said dismissively. "Evil bastards the lot of them."

Archer raised his glass in an approving salute. "Fuck em all and burn what's left."

"Amen," Rin agreed. "I knew there had to be a reason I got you."

"Now, now, language," Iris chided. "Just because the (BLEEP)-ING Matou's need to be (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)-ed is no call for such lukewarm language. It's full (BLEEP)-ing or nothing."

"MOM!" Kuro cried, shocked. "Do you give dad blowjobs with that dirty mouth?"

"Often, practically on an hourly basis!" Irisviel chirped happily

"OH GOD, MY EARS!" Illya and Shiro chorused, hands clasped over said organs and trying to think of what might bleach their brain.

Lancer stared down at his dinner, which to be fair was very nice. "How did we end up eating here again?"

"A team needs to work together!" Illya cried. "Between the two alternatives of having several diverse and uncomplimentary people learn to work together and respect each other's abilities and beliefs, the 'spending lots of domestic time and training montages' approach seemed the best choice, between the two."

"And the other one was…?" Saber asked warily.

"All of us being the victim of a single evil maniac who inflicted horrendous evil on us in the past, causing us to grudgingly agree to work together to kill him, and finally learning to respect each other as we go through hell and near-death experiences, while revealing our respective origin stories to each other in poignant, heartwarming tearjerker scenes, while undergoing lots of character development," Illya said.

Saber considered this. "Luvia, please pass the seasoning."


"Thank you."

Shiro sighed. "Doesn't anyone want to know what it was about?"

"You did score?" Kuro said. There was another round of spit-takes.

Archer leaned over and lay a finger on Kuro's cheek. "Trace, on," he said.

A length of duct tape appeared over the girl's mouth.

"Thank you," Miyu said.

Kuro gave him the finger.

"Anyway" Shiro said, rushing quickly so he wouldn't be interrupted again. "It turns out Shinji is also a Master and invited me to work with him."

Rin thrust a fist into the air. "YES! Finally an excuse to kill that little shit! Archer, come on, let's go blow up his house right now!"

"I'm eating," Archer said reproachfully, mouth partly full.

"Tohsaka!" Shiro exclaimed in shock. "We can't do that! Shinji's done nothing to us, and he says he just wants to be left alone in this war! He says he won't attack anyone who doesn't attack him. He was forced into this position, just like me and Illya!"

"Illya and I," Miyu corrected. Everyone stared at her. "Well, it's correct."

Lancer held up a finger. "Is it just me, or is it a bad idea to let the moron Master with absolutely no tactical sense and the character judging skills of a potato dictate our War prosecution policy?"

Rin, Luvia and Illya all glared at him.

Lancer paused, but no support was forthcoming. He glared at Archer and Saber. "Oh, come on, you two agree with me, don't you?"

"First rule of Servant-Master dynamics," Archer said easily as he sipped from a cup of tea, one pinky out. He somehow made the gesture look butch and manly, with lots of balls. "Don't piss off the one giving you mana."

Saber thought about this, and said, "While I remain neutral in this discussion, you have my sympathetic agreement."

Lancer's eyebrow twitched. "What touching lukewarm sentiment of unparalleled ambivalence." He turned to the parents. "Come on, you've done this before! Shouldn't you be interfering and controlling like hell to make sure we don't make your mistakes?"

"I approve of Rin's 'kill all Matous at the slightest excuse' initiative," Kiritsugu said.

Iris reached under the table and pulled out a weapon that looked like a futuristic tommy gun made to fire shotgun shells. It had 'explosive magic rounds' written in tape on its stock. "Mistakes corrected," she said cheerfully.

"Dear, you know the rule. No guns on the table."

"Sorry, honey," she said, and bent down to put it back under the table. She did not come back up.

Illya thumped the table, then dove underneath. "MOM! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO GIVE DAD A BLOWJOB! AHH! MY EYES!"

"It's still in, Illya-chan."

"That's not the point! I'm still mentally scarred by the image!"

Lancer looked down at himself. "It's a bad indicator I'm feeling nostalgic for the time I got torn apart."

"Does he have any idea who might have set up the boundary field at the school?" Rin said.

"He says he didn't do it, and I believe him," Shiro said. "He said he thought you might have done it."


"I'm still eating," Archer said, munching on a cake Kiritsugu had picked up a few days ago on his way from Uminari city to buy illegal ammo for Iris.

Lancer sighed. "Character judging skills of a potato, people! Shouldn't we at least check this guy out? Or as Rin keeps saying, kill him?"

"YES!" Rin cried. "Let's go, Lancer!"

"Don't try giving my Servant orders, bitch!" Luvia cried.

Lancer closed is eyes and counted up to a twenty digits using only prime numbers with the number 3 in them. In the past few days, he had to get creative about calming down. "Did you at least make out who his Servant is?" he said, glaring at Shiro.

"Well, I'm fairly sure she was a Rider," Shiro said. "Reasonably sure. At least that's what my Master Stat-Vision said. Oh, and he did give me a lead. He said a Master had taken up residence in Ryuudo temple."

"Uh oh," Iris said as Kiritsugu stiffened. "That's not good."

Shiro blinked. "Huh?"

Exposition followed.

"That's not good," Illya concluded.

"We have a Master standing on the most tactically advantageous piece of real estate in the city," Archer said. "Of course it's not good, skippy!"

Rin gave him a look. "Exactly what do you remember, anyway?"

Archer thought about it. "The hard plastic stuff on the ends of shoelaces are called aglets. Their true purpose is sinister."

Rin's head dropped onto the table. "You're useless, aren't you?"

"Your fault," Archer reminded her.

Miyu, who was keeping quiet and being mostly forgotten, sighed. She turned to Magical Sapphire, who was on her shoulder. "Nothing to add?"

The Zelretch creation thought it over. "I honestly have nothing to contribute."

"We're not attacking the one at Ryuudo!" Shiro was saying. "They're not doing anything to us!"

"Yet," Saber insisted. "The Servants unaccounted for are Assassin, Rider, and Caster. Who knows what kind of damage they can cause, supported by that kind of power? And what of their Masters? Surely experienced Masters would be ridiculously dangerous with such power? We have to check it out"

"I think we have more than enough evidence to suggest they're only recruiting from idiots, morons and tsunderes this year, Saber," Lancer pointed out. "I wouldn't worry about the Master so much."

"HEY!" the Master's gallery chorused as Saber considered this.

"I suppose you're right," Saber agreed, to another chorus of "HEY!"s. "This Shinji can't be too bright if he's friends with Shiro."

Shiro sighed. "Why does everyone keep picking on me…?"

"Aw, does Shiro-niichan want his own Einzbern-style blowjob to feel better?" Kuro said, slipping under the table.


One kick sent the table flying up to the ceiling as Magical Girl Illya dove at Kuro, while Shiro frantically closed his zipper.

Archer chewed on the last of the cake on his fork and held out a hand. "Illya and Kuro ruined dinner tonight," he said. "Pay up."

Sighing, Iris, Sella, and Leysritt forked over the money they owed.

Saber stared in horror. "That cake…" she said, voice small. One side of her lip twisted in a slasher smile. "WHAT HAVE YOU TWO DONE TO THE CAKE?-!"

Chaos happened.

It was just another night of the Holy Grail War in the Emiya house…


Saber had just snuck out of the house when a voice said, "About damned time."

She whirled.

Archer and Lancer stood leaning against one wall, the latter negligently cradling his spear, the latter playing with a yoyo. "We've been waiting for you," the blue-clad one said. "Because I don't know about you, but I'm kind of getting sick of the idiots holding our leashes. At least the little girl has an excuse. But those two girls are experience Magi. They shouldn't be so brain dead."

Saber stared. She pointed. "Are you compensating for something, carrying around that spear like that?"

Lancer twitched as Archer held out a hand. "Told you she'd ignore the yoyo," Archer said. "Pay up."

"You sure you're an Archer and not a Gambler? Or a Snark Knight?" Lancer complained as he shoved some money towards Archer.

"He's an Archer," a voice suddenly growled from an upstairs window. They all looked up.

Kuro dropped the several feet to the ground as easily as any of them could, landing perfectly despite the fall being something that should have broken her leg. "He's wearing the right clothes for it, if nothing else."

"Kuro?" Saber said, surprised.

Kuro rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't you be picking up my brothers habit of stating the obvious. We get enough of that from him. So, where're we heading first? Shiro's classmate, or this mysterious character in Ryuudo Temple?"

"You are not coming along," Lancer said, and Saber nodded in agreement.

"Do not make me go Unlimited Blade Works on your ass," Kuro said, pointing at Lancer. "Besides–" she shifted to a soft falsetto. "–Everyone, wake up! The Servants are doing things they're not supposed to!" She glared in challenge.

"Let her come," Archer said. "Maybe we'll get lucky and she'll die somehow."

Saber was torn between haranguing Archer and nodding in agreement. She settled for dignified silence.

"Watch it, copy cat!" Kuro said. "There's room in Unlimited Blade Works for both of you."

A shift in the air. They looked up.

Berserker stood on the roof of the house like some kind of gargoyle, unnaturally still. He moved, seeming to flow to the ground, landing soundlessly.

"Let me guess," Lancer said. "You wanna come along too?"


Lancer threw up his hands. "Shit, why don't we pack a picnic lunch while we're at it!"

Saber held up a picnic basket. "No need, I already have one."

Lancer facepalmed.


It would have taken a while for them to reach the temple, since Saber was limited to normal physical movement, but Berserker solved that problem by picking her and Kuro up and just running with them in his grip, the other two going spirit and basically hanging on for all they were worth.

The found out about the Anti-Servant magical barrier around the mountain pretty damned quick. Berserker seemed to take it as a personal insult, thrashing at it in anger, the first time they'd ever seen him act his Class.

There was only one apparent break in the barrier. It was a straight line that coincidentally happened to have the stairs leading up into it, the free area extending some ways to either side. Not much though. It was obviously a funnel and a trap.

"Trap?" Kuro said.

"Trap," Lancer agreed.

"Go up anyway?" Kuro said.

"Go up anyway," Saber agreed.

"We're all morons for taking this painfully obvious set up?" Kuro continued.

"You're all morons for taking this painfully obvious set up," Archer agreed.

They glared at him.

"What? You set yourself up for that one."

They climbed.

"The air feels off," Saber said quietly as they climbed. "Not wrong, exactly, just off."

"Agreed," Archer murmured. "This isn't what I expected."

"Yeah, there's no giant ball of doom coming down to crush us all," Kuro said.

They all tensed at those words, even Berserker.


"Okay, that's just weird," Kuro said. "The world's not taking our good ideas and using them against us? We must be majorly screwed somehow."

"That's the spirit," Lancer said.

They climbed some more.

"So…" Kuro said. "Whose Master do you think is the biggest idiot?"

"Stop trying to keep up a conversation, will you?" Archer said.

They climbed on in further silence.


When they are about to reach the top, the temple gates already visible above them, they appeared at the top step

They stop. There are muted sounds as weapons are readied. Saber grips her invisible sword, while Lancer takes a stance, cursing the elevation. Kuro and Archer, already in similar clothes, take nearly identical stances, arms to either side, hands open, as if waiting for weapons to place themselves there. Berserker hunches, suddenly seeming to disappear.

They have the moon at their backs, the two, their outlines clearly of armored men, one with a cape, though details can't be made out. Solidity, confidence, and a strange cold emanate from them like a light breeze. Then the moon shifted, and they came clearly into view.

One was a young man, tall and quite good looking, in Roman-style armor. Only Archer was able to identify the exact kind. A Lorica-style armor, though stylistically different. A gladius hung at his belt, and a longer, thinner sword hung opposite it.

The other was an older man, face scared a bit, ruggedly handsome in a villainous kind of way. He wore… well, to put it quite frankly, he wore Gamework's idea of a Jedi Knight outfit, with thick armor, heavy shoulders, cape and all. He held a wooden staff in one hand, and an anachronistic-seeming revolver hung from his belt.

The sense of them seemed strange, washed out. There was no sense of a Hero's Noble Phantasm about them. Yet they were clearly Servants. Who else would look so out of place?

"I think this is why the world ignored our bright idea," Kuro murmured. "Looks like Shinji was wrong. Or at least didn't know there'd be more."

The one in the cape took a step forward, and raised a hand, not in any magical warding gesture, but more of a 'stop the car in the name of the law' gesture. "HALT! I am a Servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Uriel. The Dark Fire will not avail you, Flame of Udun! Go back to the Shadow! YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!"

Everyone blinked, including the man's companion. "What?" Kuro said, not sure she'd heard it right

Archer was also staring. "Please tell me you did not just make a completely out of place Lord of the Rings reference!"

Kuro looked at him. "Lord of the Rings?"

"Only partial amnesia, remember? Though I'm starting to wish it was full."

"Hey!" the caped man said. "Don't diss Tolkien, or I'm going Sauron on your ass!"

"You'll crumple to nothing when we cut off your finger?" Archer shot back. "In case you can't count, we outnumber you."

"True, Anakin, but we have the high ground, which gives us a +4 circumstance bonus!"

His companion looked at him. "'+4 circumstance bonus?'"

"I'll explain later."

Saber growled. "Enough of this buffoonery! I ask of you. Which Servants are you?" She wasn't really expecting an answer, but her chivalry compelled her to ask

The 'buffoon' smiled. "– – – Servant Assassin, Harry Dresden, Winter Knight of the Unseelie Court of the Sidhe."

Lancer and Kuro's eyes went wide, but for different reasons. He tightened his grip on his spear, suddenly sweating and wishing he had cold iron.

She cried "TRACE, ON!" and ended up holding a sword in either hand, both gleaming and lethally powerful, warping the air slightly, obviously ridiculously overpowered Noble Phantasms. She stared at the man like a being out of nightmare. Archer, too, recognized them, Caladbolg and Caliburn.

"You're not real…" she said. "You're not REAL! You fell off a boat and died! You're a bad TV series! OH CRAP!"

Assassin raised an eyebrow. "Hey, kid, there's no need to get personal."

Saber, not understanding what was going on or why Kuro seemed so afraid, turned to the other. "And you…?"

He tilted his head, revealing teeth in a strangely dog-like manner. "Servant Caster Minoris, Gaius Octavius Tavarus Magnus, Tavi Vord-Slayer, First Lord of Alera."

Kuro went still. "Oh, double crap," she said, voice small.

She looked at the swords in her hands, looked up at them, and threw both blades. Even as the blades left her grip, Bakuya and Kanshou appeared, and she threw those too.

Assassin darted back, one hand rising with a cry of "Reflectum!" a glowing half sphere appearing before him, bouncing off the magnetic blades. The other, Caster Minoris, made a gesture, and wind suddenly erupted, catching the two glowing swords and sending them tumbling out of control. They slammed into the ground– and exploded violently, throwing them both back to hit hard against the wall, but also sending the other Servants tumbling down the stairs, only to be stopped by Berserker's bulk.

"Kuro!" Saber asked, surprised, both from the power exhibited by the girl, who they'd all thought was just a normal Magus, if foul-mouthed and minded, and the violence of her attack.

"Take them out!" the girl cried shrilly. "Take them out! Do it, before they kill us all! They'll find a way to make this mountain explode from under us, I just know it! DAMN YOU, JIM BUTCHER! TAKE THEM DOWN, TAKE THEM OUT, DO IT NOW! NOTHING IS OVERKILL AGAINST THOSE TWO! TRUST ME ON THIS!"

The fear in her voice, pure, honest, and utterly convinced, pushed them. The Servants charged.

Assassin caught a surprised Lancer in the chest with a cry of "FORZARE!" and a blast of invisible force, while Archer charged Caster Minoris, Saber right behind him.

"ALERA!" Caster cried, and his blades suddenly became wreathed in red and purple fire, whirling in his hands, obvious mastery of the blade in every gesture. "For Alera!"

Archer paused, and was nearly stabbed in the leg for his trouble, before he managed to parry, his own twin blades beginning a dance with his opponent. "Huh, so that's what my enemies feel like when they see me…"

Berserker, meanwhile, had descended on Assassin, the air around him rumbling with his anger. The chains around his arms lashed out, but were deflected by the Assassin's strange shield, eliciting a single growled, gravelly word of disgust from Berserker. "Magic…"

Assassin grinned. "Yeah, big guy, magic. Wanna make something of it?"

Berserker's hand lashed out, something dark flying from his grip. It struck the shield, and exploded in a burst of light. Assassin cried out as he was blinded. "No fair using flashbangs! I thought you were supposed to be Servants!"

"And I thought you're supposed to be an Assassin!" Lancer cried. "What's with the magic? And why does your Caster use swords!-?"

"Look, calm down, this is all a misun–" Assassin tried to say.

"I call the bone in your sword…"

Kuro's voice drifted through the night air, the words an intonation, a summoning of power.

"What?" Archer said, blinking, and being forced back by Caster if Saber hadn't intervened. Archer backed off, staring at here Kuro was chanting a few steps down the stairs.

"Soft is my body, calling the fire in your blood," she continued. "I have created over a thousand lolicons! Unknown to thermodynamics, regardless of physics, I screw reality with my Freudian blades! Yet this flesh burns with unfulfilled desire! And thus I sublimate…"

"You have got to be kidding me," Archer swore. "Son of a bitch, I thought she was joking!"



Fire burned from her, erupted outward, changing the world. Her Reality Marble grew.

A Reality Marble is said to be a personal expression of its creator's soul. Yet it was also a thing of magic, and magic is nothing if not full of so many loopholes one has to wonder how the thing sticks together. Not so long ago, Kuro had been born of the Archer Class Card and Illya's power. Her power was that contained in the Archer Card. And this particular Reality Marble was a part of the Card.

What did that say about her soul?

Kuro thought of none of this. Her fire spread, consumed, and only the stairs and the gate remained. The world had changed. Around them was an open, barren desert, swords piercing the ground like grave markers. It was twilight– or was it dawn?– and gigantic interlocked gears turned in the sky. Flower petals floated in the air, never falling, and beyond the gears the sky was torn by thousands of rifts, glowing in rainbow colors.

She focused her gaze on Assassin and Caster, holding her hand high as sword began to appear in the air. "The rest of you might want to leave. Swords, FALL!"

"I hate my life," Assassin said, even as he raised his hand. "Noble Phantasm! SUE!"

The air shivered. A feeling of dark, unholy wrongness filled the air as something began to gather before the two gate guardians even as the others Servants ran. Bones appeared, then muscles…

The swords fell.

They struck the accreting shape and exploded. The others shielded themselves as best as they could from the resultant blast.

"Did I get them?" Kuro asked, as the smoke began to clear.

"No…" Berserker said, dropping the cape he'd used to protect Saber.

Kuro stared. "Oh. I should have realized…"

The gigantic Zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex roared, the sound cutting through the pervasive polka music now echoing through the air.

Assassin tapped his staff. "Let's try this again. Hi! Welcome to Ryuudo Temple. We come in peace. Our Master would like to talk to your Master under terms of truce. Tell them, will you? Before I sic my polka-powered Zombie Tyrannosaurus Rex on you."


- To be continued. Otherwise people might personally hunt me down to kill me…


A/N: ah, (BLEEP)-ing. So much fun. And poor, poor Lancer…

DAMN PATA HIKARI! Their damned fic Endless Dream made me want to depict Shinji in a sympathetic light! It hurts! IT HURTS! I want my expendable buttmonkey asshole Shinji image back! Those who've read Endless Dreamcan understand.

Iris's gun is an AA-12 shotgun, a real gun.

Fictional Heroes, people. After all, the definition of 'Hero' in Nasu-verse magic is "One who is revered by mankind and is elevated by this belief". These two definitely count, if you take in the reverence in TVTropes alone. And since Caster can only make fictional Heroes into Servants…

Well, she has good taste.

And really, when people talk about the series– or at least, when I do– the first thing that comes to mind is the Zombie T-Rex. Powerful Artifact associated with the legend, check!

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.