The delicate scent of my perfume filled the room quickly and I knew I'd sprayed myself with too much. Finn gave me a strange look. That was good, though. It was a form of exaggeration and overstatements were the proper way to be individual these days. Theatricality was what got the point across, or at least that was what I believed. It didn't matter how absurd the exaggeration itself was. Every time a person went beyond the boundaries of the norm, he was noticed and I wanted to be noticed. Attention was the currency of my self-esteem. Maybe that, in some way, enforced the gay stereotype; that all homosexuals were flashy and ostentatious. But that was like saying all animals were dogs. I was more than a 'shallow, flamboyant queen'. I was deeper. I understood people, I respected human emotions and I did not just love people for their outer beauty or fashion sense. There was more to me than that.
"Are you going somewhere?" Finn asked.
"Then why are you so dressed up?"
"As I told Mercedes once: every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion."
It had been ten days since the accident. Finn's neck was better now and he'd taken off the neck brace. His arm was still in a cast. I assumed it would be at least another week 'til he'd lose the cast, and then the physiotherapy sessions would start.
Finn's phone rang, and he answered it before the second bell. Rachel, no doubt. I turned my laptop, and after checking my emails, I decided to download some music. A few minutes later Finn started yelling over the phone.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" he screamed and then paused for a whole minute. "I don't believe this!... You're not making any sense! Kurt has been nothing but helpful while you while too busy putting on shows."
I was happy that Finn defended me against whatever she'd said. A few seconds later he lowered his phone. Rachel had hung up on him.
I looked up from the screen with a raised eyebrow. Finn was angry. His face was red and he hurled the magazine lying on his bed across the room.
"What's wrong?" I asked cautiously.
"Rachel broke up with me," he said it like he still couldn't believe it. "She's back together with Jesse!"
The way he was radiating anger made me nervous. "How did that happen?"
"She said that Jesse might be getting a record deal and she's accompanying him to Nashville to record a demo. She won't be back for the rest of the summer."
"Okay, please calm down…"
"I can't believe she broke up with me over the fucking phone!"
Finn only rarely used the f-word. This was serious. I mentally smacked myself. Of course it was serious.
"She was saying everything so…" he had to think about the word. "…mechanically! It was like she didn't even care how badly this would affect me. And she was being all weird about you."
"You mean more than usual?"
"Ha-ha," he mock laughed. "She said you still wanted to be with me."
I didn't believe Rachel had said it so nicely, I was sure she'd used her fair share of the f-word, too. Finn was obviously sugar-coating it.
"And you believed her?"
"Of course not, man," he said and ran his hand through his hair. "You've been so helpful… I… Don't know what to think anymore."
"Just take a little while to think, Finn." Knowing him, this was about as much as he'd open up. At least for now.
What could I say to comfort him? Everyone had these lonely moments, when you just couldn't find your way through the cold and dark labyrinths in your mind. He was looking for answers when there were none. There are some things one just can't control. In the end we were all just spectators of life. The choices and options we have are only to a certain limit, after which things are simply pre-destined by a higher power. At least that was I believed. But pre-determined or by choice, break-ups were never easy.
The religious scriptures, like the Bible and the Quran had embedded into peoples' mind that patience was the right way. The Holy Books, all beautifully versed, told us to be steadfast in the face of trouble and doubt. That was what I had been doing, but all the while I watched myself hide away, retracting into a shell of isolation. When uncertainty came, we were advised to hold on, to cling to something strong until the confusion passed away. But what if there was nothing to hold on to? What if the storm had taken with it all of your rocks and anchors, and you had driven away the rest? A certain kind of insanity builds up inside you when you're alone like that. You can't help scream out like a man in a straitjacket locked in a padded white room. The silence, it pulls on your sanity. Maybe that's how the 'silent treatments' came into being, and maybe that's why they're so disturbing.
I decided to remain quiet and let Finn sort his thoughts out.
It had been three hours since Finn had gotten the call from Rachel. He'd been in the bed the whole time, and the only move he'd made since then was pouring himself two glasses of water. I couldn't understand why he'd been so quiet. It wasn't like he was alone in the world. He had me, his mom, his friends from school. But then again, I didn't understand how relationships worked. Maybe Rachel would run back to him like she did when Jesse screwed her over the first time. But it was likely that Finn didn't want to get back together with her, anyway. I could imagine this as the perfect opportunity to swoop in and be the shoulder to cry on, but I couldn't bring myself to take advantage of his feelings like that. I wanted him to open up to me at his own pace.
I tried to put thoughts of Finn in a corner of my head. I couldn't make any decisions on what to do until I knew what he had decided. He could always go back to Santana for a little rebound sex. Even though she claimed to be dating Noah, anyone with a shred of common sense could see that Puck was only in it for the action. He didn't do relationships. But Finn didn't look overly distraught. Of course, I could tell he was hurt, but he took it easier than I expected he would.
I stared at the white pages of The Bell Jar in front of me but I couldn't make sense of the words. I was going through the pages but I hadn't been following the plot for the last ten pages or so. It was like staring at unknown etchings on the wall of The Pyramids or some ancient runes found in the ruins of Mohenjo-daro. Or perhaps that was a bit of an overstatement. I could understand the words, but I didn't feel the literature like I usually did. The book didn't take me on the journey of the protagonist, like all well-written books do, and it wasn't Sylvia Plath's fault. My emotions were mixed; I felt sorry for Finn, who fell for a girl who only liked him as an item, as an ornament or a piece of good-looking jewelry to adorn her vanity. I felt angry at Rachel. I took a deep breath and flipped back a few pages, trying to start again. It didn't help. I was about to give up reading it completely when Finn spoke.
"You know, dude," he said pensively. "I really thought she was the one. I really liked her."
I looked up from the book and waited for him to say more. He was staring at the ceiling.
"I can't get my mind off her," he said and sat up.
"Listen, Finn, I can imagine what you must be feeling, but-"
"No," he said loudly. "You can't imagine what I feel. You've never been in a relationship much less a break-up!"
Okay, that one stung. Why did he lose his temper so easily? I tried to go back to my book.
"Okay, I'm sorry," he said apologetically. "I shouldn't have said that."
"Don't be sorry, it's true," I said without looking up.
"Please, just look at me."
"You're the only one I can talk to about this, Kurt. Even Puck wouldn't care. He doesn't understand relationships, he just likes sex."
I could sympathize with that. "All right, so talk."
"It hurts, man, it really does, but there isn't a lot of shock involved. It was like some part of me was prepared to deal with it. But I am kinda confused, man. What do I do now?"
"I can't answer that, Finn. You need to answer to yourself. Do you still want to be with her?"
"I do, but... This is the second time she's broken up with me for Jesse."
"It's her loss, Finn. You need to stop thinking about her."
"How? Help me with that."
"Honestly, Finn, I have no idea what one does in these situations."
"You know, I really wonder how gay people have it..."
Gay people. "They cheat too," I said. "But I don't speak from experience."
"And sex with Rachel was incredible," he said as if it were something I should know.
"I'm sure it was..." I said and rolled my eyes.
"I was her first, you know," he said with a hint of pride in his voice.
I winced. "Why are we talking about sex now?"
"I need to talk about something other than how much I'm gonna miss her."
"Whatever floats your boat, Finn, but does talking about sex with her really going to help?"
"Can I ask you a question?" he said, uneasily, after a few seconds of thought. I nodded. "If you were with a guy, would you... Uhh... Give the present, or receive it?"
I didn't understand what he was talking about right away. He stared at me and I realized what he was asking.
"Are you asking me if I'm a top or a bottom?" I asked bluntly.
Finn turned his head to the side and looked deeply embarrassed.
I stifled a laugh. "Finn, it's all right to be curious once in a while. I'm not judging you."
He slowly turned to look at me again, in that adorable manner of his, he was both making and avoiding eye contact.
"I don't know, Finn, I never thought much about it. I would bottom, I guess. Tops are... Well, they are different. You can point out a top just by looking at him," I said all of this with a strange confidence, without hesitation. It surprised me.
"And how does one look?"
"He... Uhh... A top looks like... Well, you."
He turned his head to the side again, and said a small "oh."
"Sorry, didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. It was the simplest way to explain it."
There was a pause in the conversation. An awkward pause. I thought he was done talking but suddenly said. "I understand. So when do you plan to do it?"
"Do what?" I gave him a look.
"Have sex, duh," he said with a little smile and I knew I'd taken his mind off of Rachel, at least for a little while.
"When I get to do it with the right person," I said automatically.
"Have your eye on someone?" he asked coyly.
"Maybe," now it was my turn to be uncomfortable.
"He'd be a lucky guy. Thanks for listening, Kurt. You're a great guy," he said sincerely, making me blush a fierce red.
"Don't mention it," I said. It was how I always responded when someone thanked me.
"Give me a hug?"
"What?" I thought I'd misheard him.
He gave me a strange look. "Never mind."
"No, I'm sorry," I said hurriedly. "I was just distracted. I heard you."
This was really out of character for him. Finn Hudson would never be so upfront about something like this with me. He was either growing up or he was probably asking me as his dude or buddy. I wasn't going to pass up a chance to hug him, at any rate. I walked over to his bed, sat next to him, and put one arm around his neck the other around his back. I closed my eyes. I felt him take a deep breath, and I could imagine why. I smelt nice with the perfume and the strawberry scented shampoo. It was probably a little intimate to hug him with both arms instead of the one-armed 'dude-hugs' but right then, I didn't care. Neither did Finn, apparently, because he wrapped his good arm around my shoulder, and pressed me against his chest. I didn't find the gesture erotic, at all. It was completely friendly, comfortable, and... well, it felt nice. It was surprising how well I fit into his bulky chest. His arm covered the back of my shoulders. He whispered a small "thanks" and I whispered back a "don't mention it."
Perfect end to a not-so-perfect day.
Oh, well. All's well that ends well, isn't it?
Good? Bad? I like it when I get reviews. =] More to come, soon.