A/n from Jessica: behold! kirbey's charmingly hilarious randiase oneshot!

Disclaimer: We don't got this...

Warning: Cowboy butt sex...cowboy butt sex...SODOMY-YYY

Ted wrapped his arms around Evan, "Feels like I haven't seen you in forever!"

Evan returned the hug and nodded, "Yeah, I know right? But it's only been a few days! I have so much to tell you!"

Ted released the hug, "I bet you do- but we have the whole plane ride to talk."

"Right, let me see your ticket," Evan looked over the two tickets. "Fuck! We're in different sections. Oh well, we can get whoever's sitting next to you to switch."

Ted agreed, each grabbing their carry-on as they boarded the plane. "So first things first: who are you currently seeing Teddy bear?" Evan smiled at Ted using his pet name. Ted averted his gaze. "Wow, no one? Well you never struck me as the relationship type anyway, so I guess the question is who are you currently fucking Teddy bear?"

Ted ignored the question and pointed towards a row of two seats positioned next to a window. "That's my seat; looks like whoever's supposed to be sitting next to me got here first."

"Don't worry; I'll handle this," Evan and Ted sauntered up to the large man occupying the seat. Evan began talking before he got a good look at the individual. "Hey, my friend and I were - Oh, it's you." Evan stopped mid-sentence as he realized he was talking to none other than Randy Orton. Evan rolled his eyes- he could endure working with the viper but in general he hated being around him. "Alright Randy, me and Ted want to sit together. Could you please trade me seats so we can?"

Randy glanced up at Evan, then at Ted and back at Evan. "Oh, sorry were you talking to me? Cause everyone knows I don't respond well when whiny little bitches beg me for stupid shit, so you can't be talking to me."

Evan groaned, "Come on Randy, please? I won't bother you like, ever again."

Randy pretended to think, "Well, I coul... if you get down on your knees and beg me Evan."

Evan rolled his eyes, "Hell no. Randy just move please."

"Why should I move? I like it here. Why don't you leave?" Randy asked, leaning his seat back slightly to prove how comfortable he was.

"Fine!" Evan said as he grabbed Ted's arm, "Come on."

"Ted can stay," Randy said, immediately rephrasing his words. "He can stay cause it's his seat."

"No!" Evan spoke for Ted. "He's sitting with me; let's go." Evan pulled his arm, dragging him away from Randy and towards the other side of the plane. Ted stared back at Randy who grinned and winked at him; Ted felt his stomach jump as he backed away.

Evan noticed who Ted's eyes were pointed at, "Don't worry about him Teddy- he's an ass. God I hate him!..." Evan continued to rant about Randy until well after take-off, only pausing long enough to convince Kofi Kingston to trade Ted spots.

"...and I hope he falls down a well." Evan concluded with a sigh.

"Feel better?" Ted asked, relieved that Evan was finally done.

Evan nodded, "So you never answered my question- who are you fucking Teddy?"

Ted averted his eyes and mumbled, "No one. It's not a good time for me and getting guys."

"Oh," Evan paused. "How long has it been?"

Ted looked down, examining his finger nails, he shrugged.

"Ted! You need to get laid! It's bad to go so long without sex!" Ted shot Evan a look that said 'you're crazy'. Evan crossed his arms angrily. "It's true! It's a scientific fact. So our goal this week is to get you laid!"

Ted looked away again, "Ok fine," he mumbled. "...But it better not hurt."

"What?" Evan asked.

"I said... does it hurt?"

"Does what hurt?"

"Doing it," Ted stressed the word it to imply he meant sex.

"Does doing what hurt Ted? I don't get what you mean."

Ted was annoyed- now he figured Evan was just teasing him. "Does having a penis inserted into your asshole hurt?" Ted asked loudly, several passengers turning to stare at them.

Evan ignored the glares, but looked stunned, "Ted are you telling me you're still a virgin?"

Ted shrugged, "I guess guys just don't like-"

Evan cut him off, "Don't give me any bullshit about guys not liking you! I don't know any gay guy who wouldn't fuck you like an animal, and some straight ones too. So why are you still a virgin?"

"I guess cause I'm kind of scared," Ted lied; he didn't want to tell Evan he was waiting on someone special- it seemed silly, especially next to Evan's spotted record.

"Cause you think it'll hurt?" Ted nodded. "Don't worry about that! It'll hurt when they first put it in, especially if they don't prep you right, but after a few moments I swear you'll be all like 'FUCK ME HARDER BITCH'!"

Ted chuckled, "Ok but like, I don't know what to do."

"I can teach you!" Evan said enthusiastically. "I mean like not fuck you or anything but tell you everything you need to know. Come on ask me anything."

Ted thought about it for a second, "Are you like, always a bottom?" Ted asked not paying attention to who had walked up behind them.

"Are you kidding?" Evan asked, also oblivious. "I actually topped the past few times."

"Really?" Ted asked surprised.

"Don't believe that bullshit," Randy's voice came from the aisle behind their seats, causing both men to snap around and stare up at the grinning Orton.

"Why are you here?" Evan spat.

"Bathroom," Randy answered still smirking. "Ted don't believe Evan; he's the bitch each and every time." Randy walked past them and towards the restrooms.

"How would you know?" Evan asked angrily.

Randy stopped midstride and turned back towards them, then said so most of the people in the compartment could hear, "Evan you've fucked almost every guy in the locker room, how could anyone not know?"

Evan blushed, "I haven't fucked you though!" Randy shook his head and walked away.

Ted put his hand on Evan's shoulder, "Nice comeback buddy- you made yourself sound like even more of a total whore."

Evan knocked Ted's hand away, "Whatever he's such a bastard-hole! But I'm not going to talk about that anymore, we're focusing on your sex education."

"Right," Ted thought of another question to ask Evan. "What position do you usually do it in?"

Evan shrugged, "Depends. If it's with someone I don't really like and it's a quickie, probably doggie. If I like the guy, missionary maybe, but my favorite's reverse cowgirl; you have to change it up or you'll get bored."

"Right. Got it. Change it up."

"Anything else?" Evan asked.

"Yeah," Ted began to feel awkward having this conversation with his close friend. "Blowjobs; I don't really know how to give one."

Evan rolled his eyes, "Have you done anything?"

"What do you mean 'done' anything?"

Evan shook his head at Ted, "Basically you just suck on it- it's really easy. Look just take your finger..." Evan held up his index finger and Ted mirrored him. "And put it in your mouth...now just do what I do." Evan began sucking on his own finger and slowly moving his head up and down on it. "See? It's easy! But don't bite- that's bad." Evan said around his finger.

A deep guffaw came from above them; the two men looked up, fingers still in their mouths to see Randy returning from the bathroom. "Wow Evan is that like sucking on your own dick?" Randy turned to walk away.

"No!" Evan spat. "It's like sucking your mom's dick! Jesus, that mother-!"

"Evan," Ted cut him off before he could begin ranting again. "You really think I can get this done this week?"

Evan nodded calming down, "Definitely! Ted stick with me and I'll find a man who will take care of you."


Ted took a large swig of his drink.

He should've never listened to Evan.

'Come to this club with me! I'll find you a guy no problem!' Evan had said. But where was Evan now? Off flirting with anything that had something dangling between its legs. Ted sighed. He hated Evan at moments like these. Next time he wouldn't even listen to Evan he'd just-

Someone tapped Ted on the shoulder. "Can I sit here?" Ted recognized Randy's voice immediately.

"Yeah go ahead," he choked out. Ted had always had a huge crush on Randy, but he knew he couldn't act on it, not as long as he was best friends with Evan.

"Where's your buddy at?" Randy asked, sliding into the chair next to Ted.

"Around," Ted mumbled.

"So he just left you here alone?" Ted nodded. He wasn't sure why talking to Randy made him so nervous. "Wow you'd think he'd be more worried about some guys trying to pick you up or something."


"You two are together or something right?"

Ted almost laughed- he'd never even thought about Evan that way, "No! We're just friends."

"Really? I just assumed..." Randy smiled at Ted. "I might have to lay off him then."

"What do you-" Ted began, but stopped short when he spotted Evan marching towards them, two tall beautiful tan men trailing behind him.

"Ted is he bothering you?" Evan asked, he didn't wait for Ted's response. "Randy why can't you leave us the fuck alone for two minutes?"

Randy stood as if he were going to do something to Evan, then stopped short and turned his attention to Ted. "See you later Teddy."

Ted watched Randy walk away, his anger at Evan growing even more.

"Ted just come get me next time that asshole tries to mess with you, I want a reason to kick his ass." Evan was preparing to rant.

"Like you could..." Ted was in no mood for one of Evan's bitch fits. " What the fuck do you want?"

"Oh right!" Evan grabbed the man standing on his left. "Ted I'd like you to meet Chase. He's my ex, but I thought you two might enjoy each other's company!" Evan winked at Ted.

Ted looked the man up and down; he was awfully hot. "Evvy, can I talk to you alone for a minute."

"Sure," Evan shooed the two men away. "He's cute right?"

Ted nodded, "Yeah that's not it. I- when you say ex... do you mean you dated or you two just fucked around an-"

"Does it matter?"

"I guess not," Ted answered. "It's just... Evan I don't want your sloppy seconds."

Evan rolled his eyes, "Don't think of it like that! I mean anyone you get will have been someone's leftovers. Ted you'rethe only one who hasn't been fucked, so get over it and just go do it." Evan motioned the two back over. "Ok, Chase you can stay here and get to know Ted. Me and Cameron are gonna go. You take care of Ted 'kay?"


Ted pushed Chase's face away from his yet again. Chase was attractive and Ted wanted to do it, but they were in the back of a cab for goodness sake. They could wait the 10 minutes until they got to Chase's apartment.

Chase smoothed his hair back and sighed. "Ted, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Ted answered, he locked eyes with the cab driver in the rearview mirror- he had been watching them the whole time.

Chase shrugged and went right back to making out with Ted's neck. Ted kept Chase at bay throughout the ride; they pulled up to the front of the building.

Chase threw a few bills at the driver and dragged Ted out of the car and through the building.

"So Ted, Evan told me you were a virgin? Don't worry I'll make it real nice for you." He pulled Ted into his room and motioned for him to sit on the couch. Ted did as instructed. Chase hopped on top of Ted, straddling him and began grinding his hips on Ted's member.

Ted gulped- he was nervous about all this but he was still eager.

Ted's face betrayed his nervousness prompting Chase to stroke his cheek and smile. "Don't worry Ted, You'll love it. I promise! Look." Chase flicked his tongue on Ted's lips. He dismounted Ted and kneeled in front of him. Chase ran his hand up the inside of Ted's thighs. "Take off your shirt," Chase quietly commanded, Ted quickly obeying. He was finally starting to get hard.

Chase unzipped Ted's pants and took him into his hands. "Very nice," Chase smiled up at Ted. Ted looked away- it was all still very new to him.

Chase leaned in and took Ted into his mouth, Ted barely suppressing a gasp. He watched Chase's head moving on him- he placed his hand on Chase's back not completely sure what to do with them.

Chase smiled at Ted again, a string of saliva dripping from his lip. "You like that, Ted?" Ted nodded, Chase licked his lips and went back to his work. Chase worked his hand and mouth together like an expert, causing Ted to buck and moan.

"Oh my god! Randy!" Ted said, then moaned, arching his back, and came so hard he thought he'd pass out. Chase swallowed, then kept going until Ted had to push him away.

"Ted..." Chase was still breathing hard, "Did you moan 'Randy'?" Ted gaped, searching for an excuse to why he had moaned Randy's name while receiving a blowjob from someone else. Chase stood, "It doesn't matter...Now that we got that easy one out of the way... it's time for the real fun." Chase began walking away towards the back of the apartment. "Stay here and strip the rest of the way; I'll call when I'm ready for you." Then he disappeared.

Ted took the rest of his clothes off and laid them on the couh. His member was still throbbing from Chase's extreme blowjob, and he was excited for whatever Chase had planned next. Ted waited patiently for Chase to call him.

"Ted, come here please!" Chase's voice cooed.

Ted jumped up and hurriedly followed his voice. Ted swung open the door and immediately regretted it. He covered his eyes.

"What the hell was that?" Ted asked.

Chase laughed, "My ass? I know you're a virgin but-"

"NO!" Ted was disgusted, "What was in your ass!"

"Oh, peanut butter and jelly," Chase sounded nonchalant.

"Why the fuck?" Ted's eyes were plastered shut.

"Well I got to eat your whipped cream, I thought you might be hungry for something. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich maybe?" Chase sounded confused like he didn't know why Ted was upset.

"You wanted me to eat that? What the fuck?"

"Yeah," Chase shrugged awkwardly. "Your friend Evan did it!"

"Eww...What the fuck is wrong with him? What's wrong with you?" Ted turned around and felt his way out of the room, where he opened his eyes and dressed quickly. He ran out of the apartment and down the stairs in record time.

Ted pulled out his phone and speed dialed Evan, "Hey Evvy."

"Hey Ted!" Evan sounded overjoyed, but Ted could hear at least two other men in the background telling him to come back to bed. "You do it?"

"No," Ted answered deadpan. "I need you to come pick me up."

"What? Why? What'd you do?"

"I didn't do anything! I think you forgot to tell me about the peanut butter and ass sandwich part of sex," Ted spat back at Evan. "Just come get me!"

"Oh, yeah... well Chase's into some weird shit but it's ok just go back to his apartment and apologize and it'll be all good!"

"You want me to apologize?" Ted was getting pissed off now.

"Yeah Ted just go apologize. Stop being such a pansy and just go fuck him!" Evan sounded aggravated at Ted.

"Dude, fuck that." Ted slammed his phone shut and stalked out the front door of the apartment building. Oh well, there went his best chance of a ride.

Ted went through his contacts and dialed every superstar that was in town, and just as he had suspected none of them had answered. No doubt they were either sleeping or caught up in their own sexual affairs. Ted had one number left to call- he dialed.

Randy picked up on the second ring, "Hello, Randy."

"Hi... is this Ted?" Randy's voice sounded tired but hopeful.

"Yeah, I was wondering if you could do me a favor if you aren't busy."

"Naw, I'm not busy," Randy answered a little too quickly. "What do you need?"

"Could you come pick me up," Ted told Randy the address.

"What are you doing there? Are you ok?"

"Yeah I'm fine. It's kind of a long story though."


"Randy thank you so much. I owe you," Ted said climbing into the car.

"Naw, it's ok I'm happy to pick you up."

Ted blushed, "I'm happy you picked me up."

"Really? Why's that?" Randy asked pulling away from the curb.

Ted shrugged, "I don't know. Why are you happy you picked me up?"

Randy chuckled, "Ted do you know why I like messing with your buddy Evan so much?"

"Cause he's an annoying bitch?"

"Besides that... I- I thought you two were dating and I thought you were too good for him."

"So, why did that matter?" Ted figured he knew what was coming but he didn't want to jump to any conclusions.

"Cause, I like you Ted," Randy looked away from the road to smile at Ted.

"Oh...That's funny cause, actually the reason I didn't want to lose my virginity to some random guy is... cause I'd always imagined losing it to you..."

Randy nodded, "I think that could be arranged."

"Really?" Ted asked excited.

"Well yeah I mean, as long as you promise to forget everything that twink Evan told you."

"Okay," Ted sat quietly- he wanted to ask when and where, but figured it might ruin the mood. Ted reached across Randy's lap and ran his hand up his leg. "How about now?"

Randy looked taken aback, "No, Ted! I'm driving. Do you want to die?" Ted quickly retracted his hand feeling like a child that had just been scolded. Randy sighed, "Ted I didn't mean not tonight I just meant not while I'm driving."

Ted nodded and rode the rest of the way in silence. They pulled into the parking garage at the hotel and Ted quickly got out of the car.

Randy turned off the car and followed Ted out of the car, "Ted, I really didn't mean I don't want you. I just meant not in the car while I was driving."

Ted smirked, "I know. So how bout now?"

Randy looked around, "Right here?" Ted shrugged. "Ted I know you-" Ted cut Randy off with a rough kiss. He'd let Randy take control soon but he had to seduce him into it first. Ted dropped to his knees on the concrete and unzipped Randy's pants.

He mimicked exactly what he had seen and felt Chase do, and had Randy groaning in pleasure in a matter of seconds. Randy pushed his head back to stop him for a minute. "Did you learn this from Evan?" Ted shook his head no. Randy looked relieved, "Good." Ted went back at it hard determined to make a good first impression on Randy.

"Ted I-" Randy moaned he was getting close to cumming. Hearing Randy say his name sent shivers through his body, increasing his drive. Randy suddenly thrust into Ted's mouth cumming violently.

"Oh my god Ted..." Randy was panting. "We can't do this here- let's go inside and we can continue there."

Randy pushed Ted to the bed playfully and began slowly stripping off his own clothes. He'd had Ted's clothes off within the first few seconds of entering his hotel room. Randy stood above Ted completely naked except for his briefs which he kept on for a slow reveal later.

Randy bent over Ted kissing a trail up his legs, stopping only to plant a sloppy kiss on his member, making Ted's mouth pop open like he was going to moan but no sound came out. Randy continued his trail of kisses up Ted's abs and chest taking a break to nibble on each of Ted's nipples. He kissed up Ted's neck ,planting one last kiss on his chin. Instead of kissing Ted's lips, he presented two fingers in front of his mouth, that Ted began vigorously sucking on, as though the fingers were the last meal he'd ever eat.

Randy smirked as he pulled his fingers out of Ted's mouth, lightly coated in Ted's spit. Randy quickly felt his way down Ted's body, still lying on top of him, until he found Ted's entrance. He slowly pushed the tips of his fingers inside. Ted groaned, it was a strange mix of pleasure and pain. A mix he wanted more of.

Randy waited patiently for Ted's moan to subside, then went in deeper. Ted started to moan but it was cut short when Randy roughly pushed his lips against Ted's, slipping his tongue between his lips. Ted could begin to feel the pleasure overtake the pain- he started grinding his hips trying to make Randy's fingers go deeper.

Ted pushed Randy's lips off his, "Randy I want all of you inside me now." He reached down and began groping Randy. Randy slowly pulled his fingers out of Ted and stood up. He pulled off his briefs and revealed his erect penis.

"Turn over," Randy instructed firmly. Ted nodded and turned over, sticking his ass out for easy access. Randy used his hand to spread the pre-cum over his dick and positioned himself behind Ted. He waited- it was fun to make Ted squirm.

"Just do it!" Ted finally commanded after a few moments. Randy thrust inside as soon as Ted said the word. Ted allowed a loud gasp to escape. Randy pulled out slowly and thrust in fast again. Ted moaned this time as Randy already hit his sweet spot. Randy began thrusting in and out a little faster but with just as much intensity, causing Ted to scream and call out.

Randy pulled all the way out. "Why'd you stop?" Ted asked, still panting with the heat of the moment.

"Turn over," Randy instructed.

Ted laid on his back and waited for Randy to begin mounting him. Randy leaned over Ted and slowly slid into his entrance taking a much different and softer pace now as he stared into Ted's face. Ted grabbed Randy's shoulders and pulled him in farther, moaning as Randy struck his sweet spot over and over again.

"Oh my god... Randy I'm gonna cum!" Ted exclaimed burying his face in Randy's shoulder.

Randy quickened his pace and began pumping in and out of Ted savagely now. Randy grunted as he came inside Ted at the same time Ted came on his stomach. Randy collapsed onto Ted, then rolled over and pulled Ted on top of him.

"I'm never going to have sex with anyone else, I mean that was amazing." Ted said between kisses from Randy.

Randy laughed, "Yeah, you say that now but you'll be singing a different tune as soon as you cheat on me."

"Cheat on you? Wouldn't that mean we were…" Ted trailed off.

"Yeah, I mean if you wanna be," Randy smiled slyly.

"Yeah definitely!" Ted said a bit too enthusiastically.

Randy pulled Ted into one last passionate kiss of the night.


"Evan! Finally! I've been trying to call you all morning!" Ted exclaimed. Evan was the first person he'd tried to call when he woke up in bed with Randy and realized it hadn't been just a dream. Evan finally answered on the ninth call. "Guess what!"

"What?" Evan sounded completely hung over. "You're still a twenty-seven year old virgin and you're doomed to die alone and horny?"

"Uhhh, ouch. And no. The opposite actually. I had sex!"

"Really!" Evan sounded less condescending. "That's awesome! I told you if you just got over yourself and let your guard down you could get it on!"

"I know and I did that. And not only did I have sex I had amazing sex, and got a boyfriend out of it!" Ted was extremely excited to finally tell his best friend the good news.

"Uhhh, well Ted I know Chase's good, but he's not all that, and he's sure as hell not boyfriend material."

"What? I didn't have sex with Chase- he was sick."

"Oh, then who? Oh god, please tell me you didn't find a prostitute! Ted he's not really your boyfriend, he gets paid to-" Evan began.

"No, Evan I mean Randy!" Ted laughed at the misunderstanding.

"...Randy who?"

"Orton." Ted mumbled, he had just remembered Evan's extreme hatred of Randy. Ted heard the phone click. Ted rolled his eyes and hit redial.

"Hello?" Evan asked, he sounded disgusted with Ted.

"Don't hang up on me!" Ted said immediately.

"Ok fine, so you made a mistake... I'll just assume you were shitfaced. But you do realize how nasty that is right? I mean Randy Orton? He's such a dick!" Evan was going to begin one of his rants on Ted.

"I'm sorry Evan, but I -" Ted started but was cut short.

"It's ok, just call him right now and break up with him while I'm on the phone. I hope he cries..." Evan added as a side note.

"I can't Evan I'm still in his room plus I li-" Ted was interrupted again.

"Oh, well just go do it!"

"I cant! Evan I-"

"You're right he'll probably try and kill you, or worse rape you! Don't worry I'll be there in five so we can do it together. It's better, this way if he cries I get to-" It was Ted's turn to interrupt now.

"Evan I really like Ra-" Ted began, but Evan hung up the phone before he could convey his thought. Ted turned to Randy, "He hung up again."

"So?" Randy asked putting his arm around Ted.

"He's on his way over here."

"Let him come."

Ted agreed and cuddled up to Randy; they waited quietly until they heard a knock on the hotel room door. Ted stood to go answer, leaving Randy behind in the bedroom.

"Where is he?" Evan pushed past Ted as soon as he opened the door.

"Evan listen to me!" Ted grabbed Evan by the arm. "I can't break up with him!"

"Why not? I'm here now! You aim high and I'll aim low and we can-"

"No Evan! Just shut the fuck up for two seconds. I can't break up with Randy cause I like him," Ted finally conveyed to Evan.

"What do you mean like? Is he making you say that cause…." Evan trailed off as he saw a look on Ted's face that said he was seriously telling the truth. "You're fucking serious?" Ted nodded. "What the fuck? You know how much I hate him! How can you do this to me? After all I've done for you? We're supposed to be best friends!"

"I know Evan I'm sorry but I-"

"Then just go do it!" Ted shook his head. "Motherfucker! Why the hell is-"

Evan stopped midsentence as the intimidating form of Randy Orton showed up behind Ted.

"Do we have a problem here Evan?" Randy asked stepping in between Evan and his lover.

Evan hesitated, "Yeah, we do! I don't know what you did to Ted but he doesn't-"

"First of all Evan shut the hell up, your voice bugs the crap out of me. And let me explain something to you: just because you have to get guys shitfaced just to get laid doesn't mean the rest of us can't get any sober. Now get the fuck out of my room before I break you," Randy smiled as his venom laced words left his mouth, making them even more hurtful.

Evan gaped, backing towards the door, "But I-" Randy glared causing Evan to finally turn angrily and stalk out the door.

Ted relaxed, "Thanks Randy." He planted a kiss on Randy's cheek.

"No problem, it was my pleasure."

A/n from Jessica: lolll...so this has been a long time coming so i hope u enjoy kirbey's story...on a side note, when evan and ted were talking and evan hung up on ted and ted said plz dont hang up on me, tht was basically a rip from a general kirbey and jessica phone conversation...she constantly does tht...i also like pointing out tht she would be evan in tht situation...which she really despised...but it made me laugh so...:)

A/N from Kirbey: That took FOREVER! But it's a good thing it did I got to add like a million inside jokes (fall down a well ha! That's for you Kelsey D!) Let's see what else? Oh right! You like that? I love Ted and his stupid little heel catchphrases! Also don't blame Chase for his um…'condition' he had a bad childhood! That's how they had to eat dinner at his house as a child, you shouldn't laugh at that! (jk). Also I think my and Jessica's english teacher would be pretty proud of us, we applied the lecture she gave us today! Think I should turn this in and call it my first portfolio piece? (Also notice the lack of cuss words in my authors note? My dad's a preacher he told me to stop sinning therefore I stopped cussing!)

PLEASE REVIEW (thirsty tricks)!