Authors Note: Written for the kink meme. Incredibly silly.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who or any characters thereof, they belong to the BBC. I will not be making any money off of them.

1. There are few things a human female appreciates more than having a male ejaculate in her face.

"Mm… Amy, you're m-marvelous at this, should've gone about this s-sooner…," The Doctor looked down at the girl on her knees in front of him, her mouth around his cock, her hands kneading at his thighs. When he looked down, he saw that her eyes were twinkling, and he had to smile. That was his Pond - even in a supposed submissive position, it was obvious that she was the one in charge.

Amy hummed in agreement, making the Doctor's hips buck up against her, forcing more of his cock into her mouth. Her tongue flickered along the underside of it, tracing the thick vein, while her teeth scraped gently along the top.

The Doctor leaned heavily against the TARDIS console, threading his fingers through Amy's hair, kneading at her scalp with his fingertips. He'd had sex of one type or another over the course of his long life, but every new face meant a new approach, and it always felt like the first time. Of course, being the Doctor, he did extensive research first. He'd forgotten a great deal, which was an annoyance - he knew he'd forgotten it, but he didn't know what he'd forgotten. Still, the TARDIS had been very helpful, supplying him with videos, magazines, even books. He'd learned many fascinating things, and he was looking forward to implementing them.

Amy was swallowing him now, relaxing her throat as the head of his cock bumped against it. She was sucking as hard as she could, doing wriggly, tricky things with her tongue. She was drooling, her mouth hot and wet and tight as her cheeks hallowed out around him, and the Doctor gasped as he felt heat wash under his skin in waves, making his knees go weak and his hands tremble.

The Doctor gasped again as he came, pulling his cock out of Amy's mouth and aiming his cock directly at her face. He fought to keep his eyes open as he watched his cum hit her face, wanting to see the look of delight that always crossed the faces of the women in the videos.

He didn't get it.

"Ew!" Amy attempted to duck out of the way, but she still managed to get it all over her. There was cum dripping down her forehead, in her eyebrows, even in her hair. "Doctor, why did you do that? I mean, was it really necessary?"

"Do what?" The Doctor blinked at her, his mind still muzzy with post-orgasm sweetness. "Didn't you like that?" His knees felt like they would give in a moment, and he was grateful to be leaning against the TARDIS console.

"Cum in my face like that!" Amy wiped her face with the sleeve of her red jumper, then made a face. "Don't tell me it got in my hair, too? Oh, that's disgusting!"

"The girls in the videos like it," the Doctor said defensively.

"Well good for them!" Amy stood up with a grunt, brushing her knees off. Clumps of her long red hair stuck to her face, and there was cum in her eyebrows.

"Where are you going?" The Doctor felt a bit silly, standing at the TARDIS console with his trousers down and his softening cock hanging out.

"To go take a shower. Ugh, this stuff'll take forever to get out of my hair." She was stalking off, still mumbling to herself in annoyance.

"Aren't you going to lick it off?" He'd rather been looking forward to that part.

His only answer was the slam of one of the TARDIS's many bathroom doors.

2. Having sex up against a wall is easy.

"You're heavy," the Doctor complained as he lifted Amy up against the wall, hiking her skirt up and tugging her tights and knickers down around her ankles, then shifted a bit so that she could kick them off completely.

"I am not," Amy huffed into his neck, giving him a nip for the comment. She unbuttoned his pants, palming him through his boxers, and smiled a bit at the way his hips jerked forward against hers.

"My back is going to be killing me," he grumbled, but his voice was growing breathy, no doubt because of Amy pumping his cock in her hot little hand. He fumbled with his pants, until he finally managed to get them open and down around his knees.

"It was your idea in the first place, to do this," Amy said, pushing his jacket off of his shoulders. "I was happy to do it on the TARDIS console. Or on a bed. I like beds. They don't leave instrument prints on my arse."

"I'm tired of beds. Beds are boring. Everyone does it with beds. We do things differently." The Doctor shrugged out of the jacket and grabbed the hem of Amy's shirt, pulling it over her head. He pressed a wet, sloppy kiss to the space between her breasts, right over the little bow between the cups of her bra. "Can you get that off?"

"You could've undressed me, then put me against the wall," Amy pointed out, reaching around herself and unclipping her bra.

The Doctor pointedly ignored her. Instead, he watched her avidly as she pulled the bra off, then buried his face in the space between her breasts, kissing the freckled skin, then licking it. He moved his mouth to her nipple, taking it into his mouth and fluttering his tongue along it. He liked the way she arched and whimpered against him, liked the way she wrapped her legs around his waist. It pressed her hot, wet cunt right up against his belly, and he could feel it even through his shirt.

Amy whimpered and leaned forward, kissing the Doctor on the mouth. The hand in his pants was becoming slick with pre-cum, while the wet spot against his shirt was growing bigger. She broke the kiss, after a thorough investigation of his mouth with her tongue, to pant and look him in the eye. "So, Doctor, are you going to use this lovely thing, or is it just for show?"

She was goading him, of course. He'd used it on her before, and it had been quite nice. But it was fun to tease and prod him, to see how far she could make him go.

The Doctor made a noise that was very close to a growl (and ooh, ithat/i was sexy) and pulled her hand out of his boxers. He pulled his hips away from hers to line his cock up, and she slid down a bit. It was only her legs wrapped around his hips and her arms around his neck that kept her from sliding all the way down. The Doctor grunted at the weight, then groaned as he pushed into her.

Amy moaned, her fingernails digging into the back of his neck. "Ooh, Doctor," she crooned, and did something with the muscles she had inside to squeeze him. She nipped his neck and under his ear, wriggling the tiniest bit. "You feel bigger from this angle, y'know that?"

"G-good to know," the Doctor panted, and began to draw his hips back, then shoved them back in. He could feel her bring her legs around and lock her ankles right over his bum, holding him inside of her as she rocked and wriggled against him.

"You feel fantastic," he told her, or rather, he told her hair. He had a whole faceful of it, and it was making it hard to breathe, but she smelled so good, like her favorite shampoo and soap, and like aroused human female. He knew that if he ever managed to find a way to bottle that scent, he would make a fortune.

"S-so do you," Amy stuttered, and arched her back. "Fuck, Doctor, keep doing that…." Her breath was hot against his ear, sending shivers down his back, and he shuddered, his knees going weak.

Actually, his knees were growing weak regardless. His back was starting to hurt as well, and his calves. When he drew back to thrust into her, something twinged, and he yelped and pulled out completely, bending nearly double.

Amy yelped as she was unceremoniously dropped, landing on her bum with a thud. "Doctor! Are you alright?"

"My back," the Doctor mumbled, feeling his erection start to wilt. It didn't like pain. "I did… something to my back."

"Oh god," Amy groaned, and stood up, rubbing her no doubt bruised (but very fetching) bum. "I'll be right back," she said. "I'm going to get the First Aid kit."

"It looked a lot simpler in the movies," the Doctor complained from his spot on the floor, wincing every time something twinged.

3. A human female is always ready for sex, regardless of circumstances.

Amy was going about her own business, getting something to eat from one of the TARDIS's many kitchens, when a familiar hand jammed itself under her skirt and made a decent attempt at jamming itself into her.

Amy whirled around, but the hand was still in her knickers, which made the Doctor fall, his gangly limbs sprawling out on the rather ugly linoleum of the kitchen floor, his arm outstretched comically up and under her skirt.

"Doctor, what the hell are you doing?" Amy glared at him, yanking his hand out of her knickers.

He took it back, rubbing his sore wrist. "Why aren't you… why are you all dry?" He was wearing a hopeful expression, and as he sat up, Amy noticed the lump in his pants. It didn't seem to be diminishing, either. Well, this was the Doctor; it would take a lot to get him out of a randy mood.

"What?" Amy winced, pressing her legs together. That had hurt. Not as badly as the time with the monkey bars when she was nine, but it definitely hurt. "Bloody hell… ow."

"You should be… y'know, wet. Slippery. Properly lubricated." He stood up, still rubbing his wrist. "That hurt," he grumbled.

"What? How are you so quiet? Why are you shoving your hand under my skirt in the first place?" Amy rubbed her own sore spot through her skirt, pressing her legs together.

"Well… you normally like it when I shove my hand under your skirt." The Doctor crossed his arms, pouting slightly and leaning against the kitchen table. "And I'm good at being quiet. I've got lots of practice being quiet. Sometimes I like to practice more."

"Normally we've done a bit beforehand to warrant your hand under my skirt in the first place!" Amy groused. "You couldn't have… I dunno, kissed me? Said hello? Done something to imply that you were in the mood for a bit of fun?"

"Well… whenever I'm in the mood for "a bit of fun", you are too!" The Doctor reached out to pat the hand that was squeezing between her legs over her skirt. He put on his most endearing face, the one that always worked on Amy. "Come on, Amy…."

It wasn't entirely working this time. Amy felt something familiar twitch in her belly, but she was still too cross at him for any playing around. "Don't you "come on, Amy" me! Just because you want something doesn't mean I'll give it to you."

The Doctor pouted. "Amy… you know you'll have fun. You love sex with me." The lump in his trousers wasn't diminishing. "Please?"

Amy sighed, letting go of her crotch to put her hands on her hips. "Fine…," she said. She looked pointedly at his face, then down in front of her. "Well?"

"Well what?" The Doctor was a bit befuddled, but that was common with Amy. It was one of the reasons he was so fond of her.

"Well, if you're so determined, you'd better prove it to me."

The Doctor kept staring at her uncomprehendingly.

"Y'know, for a genius, you really are thick," Amy grumbled, and reached up, grabbing the back of his head and yanking him forward, kissing him roughly. Her hand wound into his hair, her other one sliding down the back of his pants to grab his arse.

The Doctor made a pleased noise into the kiss and slid his hands to her back, grabbing her arse with both hands. When they broke their kiss, he was grinning he stupid grin. "If I'm so thick, why don't you educate me?"

Amy rolled her eyes and nipped his lips. "I just might have to," she grumbled, one hand going down between his legs to press the bulge against his leg. "If only because it seems that you're learning everything from all of those godawful pornos the TARDIS keeps downloading."

4. If one walks in on someone else masturbating, it's only polite to join in.

Rory was flat on his back, eyes shut tightly, his hand fisting his cock as quickly as he could. He could feel his orgasm approaching, coiled tight in the base of his belly. Oh, it was close….

In his minds eye, it was Amy's hand on his cock, her small, thin fingers. Her red hair dusting along his belly, then her hot pink mouth swallowing him, sucking as hard as she could.

"Ah… Amy…." He was panting, his fist moving as fast as it could, and he was almost….

"Rory! By any chance do you have any idea where Amy is and why are your pants down?" The Doctor stared at Rory, then smiled. "Ah, I see. Well, I'm always up for a bit of fun, let it not be said I'm worse than everyone's aunt." He moved to sit on the bed, unclipping his braces, then unbuttoning his pants.

"Doctor!" Rory covered his groin with both hands and attempted to sit up, reaching around for a pillow to cover himself up. He gaped at the Doctor, clearly confused as the Doctor reached into his pants, grabbing his own cock "Doctor, what are you doing?"

The Doctor looked at him, his hand still fisting his cock. "What does it look like I'm doing. This is how it goes, isn't it?" He hissed as he thumbed his cock, squeezing it harder.

"How… what goes?" Rory pressed the pillow against his erection - the damn thing wasn't going away, and he really wished it would. It was making things even more awkward.

"One person masturbates, someone else walks in, they both masturbate." The Doctor said in his best "well, DUH" voice.

"What? No! That isn't how it goes!" Rory sat even more upright, reaching down to zip his pants up, with some difficulty.

"It isn't? Do we do each other?" The Doctor reached down and around the pillow, then palmed Rory's erection through his pants. "I haven't been with a human male in this body yet, and I am rather curious as to what that will be like."

"No! No no no no," Rory babbled, trying to resist the urge to rock his hips up into the Doctor's hand. "No, you see, the way it works is that if someone walks in on someone else… masturbating, then the walker-in walks out and it isn't spoken of again." His voice became choked off - the Doctor's fingers were feeling carefully along his length.

"But that doesn't sound like much fun." The Doctor stroked his fingernail along Rory's erection, and the man could feel it even through the thick material of his jeans. It made him shiver. "We're both adults. Or are you worried that it'll make you homosexual? You're still at the point where male humans are afraid of being homosexual, right? Yeah, twenty-first century, sounds about right." The Doctor pressed down on him, gently. "Well, as far as I know, you're not homosexual."

"That… that isn't my concern," Rory said, biting his lip to keep from groaning aloud.

"So what is?" The Doctor seemed genuinely perplexed, and his erection was still poking out from the slot in his boxers.

"It's genuinely considered rude to just barge in and join in without… asking permission first." Rory couldn't believe he was having this conversation. He thought, faintly, that if Amy saw the two of them like this she would probably be laughing like a loon. She always did find it amusing, to embarrass him…. Although she'd probably like it, all the same. He'd seen her personal porn collection, and he knew that the sight of him and the Doctor would please her, to say the least.

"Oh. So… may I?" The Doctor took his hand off of Rory's penis and looked at him with his best kicked puppy expression.

"Um… I suppose so?" Rory was thinking with his cock, which was never a good thing, but the Doctor's fingers were long and tricky, making it hard to think straight. "But… in the future, please knock?"

"Certainly," the Doctor said, but his tone of voice made it fairly obvious that he wasn't paying attention. "I saw a very interesting thing in a movie that I'd like to try." He pulled down the zipper of Rory's pants.

Rory hissed, closing his eyes and leaning back. He'd give the Doctor a proper etiquette lesson later. When the Doctor's hands weren't doing things to him that made his toes curl and his brain melt.

5. Sex is very, very serious business.

Amy was giggling. It probably didn't bode well that she was giggling. In all of the movies he'd seen, the women didn't giggle.

"Is something wrong?" He looked up from where he had been licking her nipple, a look of concern crossing his features. "Are you alright?"

"Why wouldn't anything be alright?" She stroked his hair out of his face fondly, squeezing her knees together to press into his hips.

"You keep… laughing. Why are you laughing? Am I doing something wrong? This body is rather new at this type of thing."

Amy squirmed, still giggling. "Nothing's wrong. You're not doing anything wrong." She smiled at him fondly. There was something so endearing about him, lying on his belly with his chin between her breasts, wearing the same expression he wore when he was dealing a particularly difficult alien trying to end the universe in some new and (usually uncreative) way.

"So why are you laughing?" The Doctor pressed a kiss to the side of her breast, and she giggled again.

"It tickles," Amy said, her fingers tugging gently at his hair.

"Your breasts are ticklish?" The Doctor's voice was skeptical. "I didn't know breasts could be ticklish, although I suppose it makes sense, they're made of perfectly ordinary skin and theoretically all skin has the ability to be ticklish." He nuzzled the side of left breast with his cold nose.

Amy rolled her eyes, then giggled again as the Doctor pressed a kiss against her nipple. She began to laugh outright when he wrapped his lips around it, sucking on it, fluttering his tongue against her. She was laughing so hard, her breasts shaking with each giggle, and the Doctor had to smile at that, because she was his Amy, and she had such an infectious smile.

"Ooh, Doctor, that's nice," Amy crooned, arching her back, still chuckling as his mouth suckled at her nipple. She began to laugh loudly as the Doctor pressed kisses down from her nipple to the spot between her breasts, then under them, to her belly. She kept laughing as his mouth moved down, to her navel, to the inside of her thigh.

The Doctor looked up at her, smiling at her through his fringe. "How is it possible for you to be so ticklish?" he asked, nuzzling against the warm wetness between her legs.

Amy covered her mouth with one hand, still giggling a bit. "I don't know," she said, and she tugged gently on his hair, encouraging his mouth to move closer to where she wanted it. "I've always been like this."

When the Doctor licked her, Amy was giggling again, but she was whimpering and squirming between the giggles, and it was altogether a very appealing picture. The Doctor had to wonder why they never showed women laughing like this in all of those porno videos, because he didn't think he'd ever seen anything quite so sexy, or quite so appealing. He would certainly buy a movie if there was a pretty girl like Amy laughing on the cover.

Amy did stop laughing, eventually, as she shuddered through her orgasm. The Doctor watched her face, transfixed, because the face she made coming was quite similar to the one she made when she was laughing at a really good joke; her face turned red, her eyes squeezed shut, her mouth opened wide, and her breathing was panting and gaspy.

The Doctor smiled at her. "Are you done now Pond, or could you do with a bit more?" He waggled his eyebrows at her in what he probably thought was a sexy manner, but actually made him look rather silly, and Amy began laughing again, harder.

"I would happily do with more," Amy said when she calmed down enough to speak, and gaped her legs open invitingly at him.

The Doctor smiled at her, delighted, and moved closer, until he was right on top of her, his cock pressed against her thigh, leaving a wet trail down to the dark red curls between her legs. "So I can, right?"

Amy rolled her eyes, still grinning. "No, I'm going to tell you right now, when you've got a telephone pole poking me right where it matters, to go bugger off."

"Well, um, if you wanted that I'd probably have to get some lubricant and I rather don't want to-"

The Doctor's voice choked off as Amy grabbed his cock and positioned it at her entrance. "Hurry it up, Raggedy Man. Move those hips of yours, or am I going to have to do it for you as well?" She was grinning at him, her teasing happy grin that was full of trouble and promise.

"Alright, since you insist," the Doctor said, and pushed in. He groaned, pressing forward, and then it became rather hard to form coherent thoughts, because Amy was squeezing down on him, her heels pressing into his lower back. She was looking him in the face, and he hissed, because she was giggling again. Except that when she giggled, the muscles squeezing him tightly fluttered, which made him make a rather undignified noise. This set Amy off even more, until she was laughing so hard that tears streamed down her face.

"What's so funny?" the Doctor demanded in a rather choked off voice.

"The look on your face," Amy giggled, and pressed a kiss to the soft spot right under his chin.

"W-what about it? Plenty of p-people look funny during oh Amy do that again!" His voice was choked off as she did something wriggly with her hips, beginning to thrust up against him.

"Y'don't look funny," Amy said, and she was panting, her face turning the same red as her hair. She had stopped laughing, aside from the occasional giggle. "Well, y'do, but no more so than usual. It's just…." She arched her back to take him deeper, her heels digging into his lower back and her breasts pressed against his chest. "You're wearing the same look you get w-when you've been working on the TARDIS." She wasn't laughing now, and the Doctor realized that he missed it. He liked the feeling of her squirming and giggling under him.

The Doctor grinned a bit in spite of himself. "Well… I like working with the TARDIS," he said, and bent nearly double to kiss along her breast, provoking more giggles.

"Why are you doing that?" Amy was thrusting up against him, angling her hips in such a way as to grind her clit directly against the Doctor's pubic bone.

"Because…," the Doctor said, pressing another ticklish kiss against Amy's nipple, "I can feel it when you laugh."

"Pervert," Amy giggled, and her giggle turned into a bit of a moan, although there was an undercurrent of laughter to it, as the Doctor reached between them and pressed down on her clit with his thumb. She began to laugh outright as his lips went back to her nipple, sucking on it lightly, and she was laughing even as she came, convulsing around him.

The Doctor gasped and pressed all the way into her, all the way to the hilt, cumming deep inside of her. She wasn't giggling anymore, although she still wore the same lazy smile, and she moaned as she felt him pulse inside of her, the warmth deep inside.

The Doctor rested his weight on his elbows so as not to crush Amy and pressed his forehead against hers. "Amelia Pond, you are truly a wonder," he said in a reverent voice.

Amy kissed him, pressing her smiling mouth against his, and the Doctor came to the conclusion that, while research was all well and good, hands on knowledge was the only way to know anything about something was through hands on experience.

Amy squirmed against him, her breasts pressed against his bare chest, and he grinned. Very hands on experience.