Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I in any way associated with, Community.
AN: This takes place sometime in season one, probably during the first semester. I really have no idea. Also, beware of the silliness of the overall idea behind this story.
One Night Stand
Jeff stopped fighting and allowed the others to yell at each other. They were all actually on the same side, but the argument had reached the point where everyone just really wanted to yell. He leaned over and tapped Britta's arm, she was the only one who wasn't saying anything and he was hoping he knew why.
"We have to protect these guys," he said quietly.
"Oh yeah," Britta agreed. "I mean, Pierce is gonna get in trouble no matter what and Shirley's probably smart enough not to, but the others are just kids."
Jeff nodded. "How about you take Annie-and Shirley, just to be safe-and I'll take the guys? We tell them how bad it can be, give them a couple horrifying examples, and then they'll be too scared to do anything."
The two shared an almost evil smile and shook on it. Jeff lifted his hand and pulled it to the side, silencing everyone instantly.
"Troy. Abed. Come with me. Annie. Shirley. Stay here and listen to Britta."
"Whoa!" Britta said quickly. "What about Pierce?"
They looked at Pierce, who sat expectantly across the table. Jeff winced. "Oh. Pierce, I was kind of hoping you'd just wander off on your own."
Pierce began to rise with dignity, forming an appropriately scathing farewell speech in his head. The group was saved when Britta smacked Jeff in the stomach.
"Fine," Jeff sighed. "You can come with me."
The boys relocated to the couches while Britta moved over one chair so she could sit next to Annie.
"What's this all about, Jeff?" Pierce asked.
"Britta and I decided that it would be best if we separated the sexes for this discussion. We feel you should be warned before going to Starburns' party tonight."
"Oh, come on, Jeff! It's just a party!" Troy said.
"It is a college party. It is an adult party. It is a Starburns party. I only hope that my experience with the former two categories is enough to prepare you for the third, but I doubt it."
"How are you going to prepare us?" Abed asked. "A montage of military-esque training exercises? A humorous lesson on all the need-to-know party info? A thrilling story pulled from the pages of your own life?"
"Bingo, Abed. It's story time."
"Aw, man!" Troy whined.
Pierce scoffed, leaning back. "This should be good."
"Wait," Troy said. "I thought you didn't go to college."
"Technically I spent my post-high school years doing anything I could to avoid any sort of responsibility, but I did go to college. Sort of. Several years ago-"
"How many years?" Abed asked.
"It's not important, what is important is that I had a horrible party experience."
Abed waited until Jeff was fully immersed in his story of too much beer and a sudden need to remove clothing. When he was sure Jeff wouldn't notice he slipped away to the girls' side of the room.
"Two hours later," Britta was saying, "I was still not sober enough to realize a tattoo of a sunflower probably wasn't the best way to immortalize my first night in the sunshine state."
"Okay, Britta," Annie said, patting Britta's hand on the table, "we all get that you were crazy when you were younger. But I've had my problems with drugs, I'm not about to make those kinds of mistakes."
"Well how about this?" Britta asked, pulling away defensively. "It's dark, you've had a couple drinks-not near too many though-everyone is dancing, the music is loud, and some hot guy starts dancing with you. He says everything you need to hear. He says he hates this song before you're even done realizing it's that one your brother always blasted to piss you off. He dances just a little bit more goofily than you do. He offers to help you upstairs when someone spills a drink on you. It all sounds silly now, but I have seen this happen to a hundred girls. Smart girls. And I don't want you to let some guy romance you into a one night stand."
Abed escaped during the girl hug and returned to the guys.
"The next day I woke up in Mexico," Jeff said.
"I thought you said you were at a party in Michigan?" Troy asked.
"That's because I was."
"Sounds like fun to me," Pierce said.
Jeff groaned. "Pierce. You are not helping. How about this? A party I went to after a trip to the circus."
Abed rolled his eyes. He'd already read this story on Professor Duncan's blog and knew enough about both men to know that they were likely only to have changed one major event in their personal retellings. Rather than wait through the whole thing he returned to the girls.
"And when I woke up," Britta said, "there was a goat eating my hair and a goodbye note sharpied onto the pillow."
"That's horrible!" Shirley said.
"Oh, Britta, I'm so sorry you had sex with a loser."
"Thanks, Annie," Britta said awkwardly.
"But," Shirley said, "I mean-I was just wondering-haven't you ever had a good experience at a party?"
"Yeah," Annie agreed, "didn't you ever meet a guy who wasn't so bad?"
"Well, of course, but 'not so bad' isn't really saying much."
Abed left the conversation just in time to hear the end of Jeff's story.
"And then I turned Ian over," Jeff said, "and I realized that the woman underneath him was not the conjoined twins, but the bearded woman."
"Oh!" Troy cried, wincing with his whole body while Pierce let out a cry that was half disgust, half laugh. Exactly the point Abed had assumed Jeff would change. Or Ian would change. The world would never really know who had slept with the bearded woman.
"That's all well and good," Pierce said, "but haven't you ever met anyone hot at any of these parties?"
"Of course," Jeff said. "There are always hot girls. The trick is getting to them. In fact, I remember this one girl," he said, smiling and rubbing his chin as he thought back, "she had the cutest sunflower tattooed on her back."
Abed's eyes widened.
"What'd she look like?" Pierce asked, leaning in with excitement.
"Blonde, average height, skinny. Could hold her beer as well as any five football players though. I thought she was the hottest thing in the world in that cut up Radiohead t-shirt."
Abed cautiously slipped away.
"He was so cute though," Britta insisted. "He asked if I was a fan or if I'd torn up the shirt because I had actual taste. I said they could go to hell, of course. Then he said, all matter-of-fact, that if he ever saw them he'd tell them the same from him and I was just drunk enough to laugh. He asked if I wanted another drink but then he couldn't get the cap off the beer."
Annie and Shirley giggled.
"I did it for him, of course, and the look he gave me was like I was some angel sent from heaven. He covered it up quick enough though and asked me to dance."
Abed hurried back to the guys.
"So I grab her a beer and she takes it out of my hand and snaps the cap off on the only hard surface available." Jeff paused and shrugged, gesturing for Pierce to go ahead. It was his mistake for leaving it open.
"Your dick? Ha ha!"
"The heel of her boot," Jeff said. "I was just drunk enough to think she was everything badass in the world. Of course, I was also young enough to think that. So I asked her to dance and there's this fast song playing. We go at it for a while and by the time the first song's over I am ready to go but I know I have to wait at least one more song before I even try to get her upstairs. Plus, she was wild. She's banging her head and shaking her hips and I got to more bases in that one dance than I did in three dates with the slutiest cheerleader at my high school."
Abed stepped back into the center of the room to where he could hear both strands of the story at once.
"He was not a dancer, not at all, but he gave it a good try and I rewarded him for the effort."
"We went a few songs, just having a good time while I tried to figure out a way to get her off the dance floor. Then this slow song started and she just melted into me."
"And when a slow song came on he was so sweet."
"I very carefully took her upstairs-and I was sure to pass by my friends so they could give silent approval and I knew I hadn't gone blind to ugliness."
"I let him take me upstairs-but I was totally aware of what was happening and of all the tricks he'd used to get me there. I was not a helpless damsel."
"She was even hotter with her clothes off."
"I don't think it's any secret I like a nice chest-why else would I like Vaughn?-and his was godlike. For some twenty-something kid anyway. Now I have standards."
"And that tattoo? She said she hated it but she sure loved it by the time I was done with it."
"He was amazing. Very talented for his age. I wish we'd actually had time to have sex."
"Unfortunately the cops started breaking up the party before we could have sex. I still wish I'd gotten her number."
"If I'd stayed in the state a few more days I might have seen him again. I kind of wish I'd put off New York."
Pierce began explaining where Jeff had gone wrong while the girls consoled Britta.
"But that doesn't change anything!" Britta said suddenly.
"Yeah!" Jeff agreed, hearing her and realizing he needed to take back control of the conversation. "You still need to be careful at parties! For all I knew that girl was going to sex me into unconsciousness and steal my money and clothes."
"Ew," Britta said. "What kind of parties do you go to?"
"Yeah," Annie agreed. "Britta just told us how she missed out on true love."
"It was not true love!"
"Of course it wasn't," Jeff said quickly. "And it was not going to be the best sex of my life," he added, looking to Troy and Pierce. "It was going to be a one night stand that would have ended horribly because that is how the real world works."
"We just want you guys to be careful," Britta said. "Starburns is sure to throw a crazy party and we want you to come out of it unscathed."
"It's not war, Britta," Shirley said gently. "We'll all keep an eye on each other at the party. We can use the buddy system! And that way everyone will be safe and you and Jeff don't need to worry about a thing." She stood and gestured for Annie to go ahead of her. "Let's go get ready."
"I gotta change!" Pierce said, following. "This outfit isn't nearly hip enough."
"Me too," Troy said. "Not the hip part because-really? But I could look hotter."
"They're gonna be eaten alive," Jeff said, watching them go from the doorway.
"I know," Britta agreed sadly. "Clearly our lives have taught them nothing."
Abed remained in the middle of the study room until Jeff and Britta left the library. Only then did he let himself smile and mentally explore the possible ramifications of these new facts.
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