My Dear Prince
The rain is thumping on the window as I write this, and as the thunder cracks and the lightning whips, I'm afraid. But I need to do this. I need to write to you my final farewell, at a time when my sanity is still intact, and I don't do anything drastic. My tears are still streaming down my face, dripping on the ink. You hurt me. You've caused me so much pain right now that I don't even know if I can finish this. But I need to try – for me, and for you, my darling one.
I know that sometimes I was a little too much to bear. I wrote you so many letters, yet you rarely replied to them. I waited for you so many times in the mornings, and you never once greeted me with your beautiful smile. I lay in bed, sick to my stomach, worrying that you would forget about me and that I would just fade into the backdrop while Brown took centre-stage. I did so many things – so many horrible, horrible things. I was the one who turned the other Aristocrats against you. I was the one who forced you to sacrifice your dear friend. I was the one... who turned your life into a living nightmare. I was wrong. I shouldn't have done that. Words on paper can't express how sorry I am, and I don't expect you to forgive me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry.
I only did those things because I loved you so much, and I still do love you, with all of my heart. My paranoia got the better of me when it shouldn't have, but you have to understand that I was so very lonely. When your mind is left on its own for so long, it begins to slowly pick away at you before you become fully unhinged. I wanted you for myself. I didn't want anyone else to have you. I wanted to control your life, and that was wrong of me. I may be a princess, but I'm still just a child, and so are you. What I did to you... what I did to Brown... even the whole of the Aristocrat Club... it was wrong. Entirely wrong. We've wasted so much time arranging club meetings and dishing out punishments that we've forgotten our childhood. I feel like I can't get it back. I want to be lost in my love for you. I want to re-live the times when Martha would shout at us whenever we stayed up too late – do you remember how much we would laugh? It would be so bad that we had to cover our faces with the pillows! Now, it's too late. And it's all my fault. I take full responsibility.
I love you, Jennifer. I love you so much that when you're in my life, I don't need anything else, I only need you. I don't care about going to Mr. Hoffman's classes. I don't care about cleaning the orphanage with everyone else. I don't care about growing up. My life was full of so much colour, but you were the red hue that got me through every day... red is my favourite colour. You are my favourite person. Life without you would be a life without pleasure and fun. I don't want to lose you, but I already have. You give me hope. You give me pride. You give me confidence. You are the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful person I have ever known. We have so many memories – both good and bad – and I always look back at them with a constant smile plastered on my face. You need to understand that without you, I think I would rather die. I want to die now that you're gone. I can't live with this pain for the rest of my life. It started long ago, and it's still there to this day. That aching, stinging, mournful, heavy, razor-sharp etching that's constantly across my chest.
While I'm in one world – a world of pain, sadness and constant pressure – you're in another one. I can't stress how important you are to me, but I was never as important to you, was I? I know I wasn't, and I know that I'm not. How does that feel, Jennifer? How does it feel to live life without that burden and pain weighing down on you like a ton of bricks the whole time? I can't remember. It's been so long since I was free from it. You're lucky. You don't need me in your life... but I desparately need you in mine. I can't have you. I know that. And every day, it kills my soul a little bit more.
With this, know that I love you, and know that I am sorry. You deserve more than me, and I understand that. I've understood that for a while. It's hard to accept. I still haven't yet.
But I love you, Jennifer, and there always will be a part of me that does. You are the most important person to me.
I'm broken, and I can't be fixed. Live your life to the best possible extent...
- Wendy, the Fallen Princess.