Disclaimer: I didn't invent and don't own Order of the Stick. Rich Burlew does. I don't intend to violate his copyright, and I hope he's not too appalled. Also, buy his books.

Warnings: Slightly more graphic descriptions of O-Chul's captivity than in the comic. Implied attempted rape.

"But... but... I don't get it!" the Monster in the Darkness wailed. "You're Mr Stiffly! You're in our secret club! Girls can't be in our secret club!"

"It's just a temporary change of appearance," O-Chul replied, with a lot more calm than he actually felt. "The lich and the theurge thought it would be amusing." His new voice threw him every time he used it.

"So... you're still Mr Stiffly? You just look different?"

O-Chul sighed to himself. "I'm still Mr Stiffly."

Just with a chest that he really wanted to cover up, or at least keep still. Just with underwear that didn't fit properly any more. Just with a centre of gravity that was all wrong, and hips that made walking a clumsy new adventure. He'd better not need to fight anything difficult before he learned to move in this new body.

Jirix chose that moment to reappear, looking sheepish, with Redcloak in tow. Redcloak rolled his eyes, wondering what he'd have to deal with next. "Dark One preserve us," he muttered. Taking his prisoner's clothes was supposed to make the paladin uncomfortable, not him, hence leaving the underwear alone. He did not need to see his prisoner's new... well... breasts. "Tsukiko wasn't sacrificing any of her bras, and frankly, I didn't need to see those, either. You'll have to make do with this." He dropped a long strip of fabric though the bars. "Cover yourself up."

O-Chul picked up the fabric, which seemed to be a bandage. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do with it. Perhaps if he wrapped it around his chest and sort of squashed the breasts as flat as possible... that seemed to create an unfortunate amount of cleavage, but it couldn't be helped. At least now he could move comfortably if he had to. He lifted his chin and gazed defiantly at the goblin. Having lived through the morning's entertainment, it must be time for his afternoon interrogation. Hopefully the goblin wouldn't get any ideas about his new body parts, but he had no illusions about how he might be treated.

"Oh, for - " When Xykon had called him away, Redcloak had left one irritatingly stoic paladin on the rack, guarded by an armed hobgoblin who had strict instructions to stay out of reach. After dealing with Xykon's latest moronic whim ("No, sir, I don't know where you can get a tentacle monster"), with Tsukiko sniggering like an idiot in the background, he got back to an unconscious hobgoblin on the floor. At least his prisoner was still restrained, although he was sure the dislocated shoulders were new - they'd barely got started before they were interrupted. Oh, and the prisoner was somehow topless again. Great. His day just kept getting better.

"Are you going to tell me what the hell happened here?"

The paladin glared. "Did you think I wouldn't fight him?"

"Excuse me?"

"The first time you get me like this, and you leave me tied down with one of your soldiers. You knew he would try to have his fun."

Redcloak stared at his prisoner, lost for words, then looked away. He suddenly noticed the strip of fabric in the unconscious hobgoblin's hand. Apparently the paladin had a point. Damn it, he would need to have words with the soldiers. He snatched the bandage, giving the hobgoblin a kick for good measure, and gingerly covered the paladin's breasts.

"Look, you know the drill. I'll torture you until you tell me all about the gates. If you're not screaming then I'm not doing my job. Once I know everything, I'll kill you. It's just what you deserve. Xykon's probably got something ridiculous and horrible planned for you in the meantime, but I've got standards. I will not have you raped."

The paladin was silent.

"What did you do, anyway? Headbutt with a side of Smite Evil?

More silence.

"Fine, I'll add it to the list of questions. Now, where were we?"

As the hobgoblins half-carried him back to his cage, O-Chul did his best to ignore their comments. Something about making him feel like a pretty girl. At least the goblin cleric had treated him the same as ever - stretched on the rack; must be Wednesday - and if anything, had seemed reluctant to touch him when stabilising him with some minor healing afterwards. One of the guards dragging him had even been sent away when his hands wandered too far.

He sighed. Definitely a bad day, if being tortured was the comforting part. (Even if every time he cried out, he heard his new voice, and couldn't quite recognise it.) Best not to dwell on what had almost happened to him, although he would need to deal with it. If nothing else, he would need to guard against feeling too much gratitude towards the goblin. He was still a dangerous enemy, and O-Chul could not afford any vulnerability.

He wanted his comrades around him.

Monster-san was waiting for him anxiously, although O-Chul had never worked out if he understood what was happening when the goblin took his new friend away. Probably not. Monster-san seemed a kindly soul.

"Mr Stiffly! Mr Stiffly!"

O-Chul had to smile. "Yes, Monster-san?"

"Can we play that game again? I had an idea while you were gone!"

"Of course. Where are the pebbles?"

They were about halfway through the game when the elf teleported in.