A/N: So I know that some of the things here are a little off, but hear me out. In my story, Season 5 didn't happen. When the boys killed Lilith, they stopped the apocalypse from happening. By killing her, they stopped all the seals and none of it happened. They killed her and by doing that Lucifer has to find another way to walk on the earth.
And I know that Dean is not normally so emotional, but these are his deepest thoughts and I'm playing on his insecurities, but I promise that it Sam and Dean will be together by the end of this fic, and Sam will make Dean realize just how important he is to him. So forgive the slight Angsty!Dean for now, please.
Also... I'm not abandoning my other stories, I'm just trying to get the creative juices flowing for them. Hopefully, this story will help! I have a majority of it written so we are all good on it. Woot.
Anyway, constructive criticism is welcome! Or just letting me know you like it works too!
Love is There
Dean Winchester knew four things for certain. One is that Led Zeppelin was one of the best bands of all time. Two is that his Impala is the most beautiful car out on the road today. Three is that Apple pie is the most delicious thing that was ever created. And Four he is madly, irrevocably, and desperately in love with his brother. He also knew that it would never go anywhere. So I guess that was five things huh?
Dean wasn't stupid like many people believed. He knew that if Sam ever found out his true feelings, Sam would leave. Again. Dean knew he couldn't handle Sammy leaving again. It would kill him. He couldn't handle going back to that bravado personality again. Sammy leaving is why he couldn't trust anyone with his heart now. Imagine what he would be like if Sam left again? A cold and empty man thats what.
And Dean knows that he deserves every single bad thing that happens to him. After all, what kind of sick freak falls in love with their kid brother? Actually lusts after them? It was wrong in so many ways in the eyes of his brother. Yeah, he said brother and not society. Fuck society, he wasn't the least bit normal to their standards anyway, but his brother was his everything, and what standards Sammy lived by, so to would Dean.
But back to him deserving the bad stuff. It was true, Dean felt. He did deserve everything. That was why he stayed in hunting. Not because he enjoyed it, although to be honest some parts were awesome, but because he had to make up for his freak feelings.
Dean has only ever been himself with one person, and one person only. And that was Sammy. Granted he never told him how he felt and that he had untameable desires to ravish him, but with everything else he was completely himself. His dad was never around enough to really get to know Dean, and even if he was home, Dean was the soldier, not the son. He could hardly remember ever being anything but the soldier for his dad. But with Sammy it was different. He was Dean, the brother and friend. Just Dean.
And then, Sam left with no word but to ask to go to the bus station. And Dean? Well Dean had never felt such pain. To know that the one person he loved, and he had Loved Sammy by that time, didn't even care enough to tell him he was leaving. That they didn't trust him enough to want what was best for Sammy. It hurt. He had been taking care of Sammy his whole life. It was second nature and to know that Sammy just didn't want him around anymore. Damn.
So after he had dropped Sammy off, with barely a goodbye from Sam, Dean drove around for a bit, and cried like a frekkin' girl. Dean had vowed to never open himself up to anyone else then. If his own brother didn't want to be around him anymore, and his father just used him to get revenge, obviously no one else would want to get close to him anyway. So to stop himself from ever feeling this type of pain Dean became this cocky, over-confident fake persona. Like I said, Dean was far from stupid, he learned from his mistakes.
And then his Father went missing, and despite how much he didn't want to, he pulled Sam out of his Apple-Pie life. He regretted it to this day. Just another sin to add against his brother from him. Sam deserved happiness. He deserved Jessica and a Law degree, and everything Dean couldn't give him. But at the time he needed his help and a huge part of him, the part that was still in love with Sam even after the pain, just wanted to see him again.
And for the first couple months, despite the heartache from Sam at losing Jess, they were the best of Deans life in the four years that Sammy had been gone. But when Sam had told him that he never wanted to go back to the way things had been, to be Dean's version of family, Dean was again reminded why he never opened up. Sam just had this way of getting him to, and it seemed also always had a way to hurt him. But Dean was a master at hiding how he felt. So he pushed the hurt back and vowed to let Sam go whenever he decided he was fed up with Dean.
Dean would just pick up the pieces of his heart and go back to being alone like he always did before. You'd think he would be used to people leaving? They all did eventually.
And when Sammy died. Well, that hurt, but in a different way. At least when he left Dean, he knew Sammy was safe and happy. But dead. Dead was not safe, Dead was gone. Dean had never, or would he ever regret giving his soul up and going to hell for Sam. It was something that he would do over and over again. Even the torture. It was for Sammy, so of course he would. Because, again, despite the hurt and the pain, Dean would do absolutely anything for Sammy.
Then, Sammy met Ruby. Dean had never met someone he hated more than that bitch. Dean knew part of it was the fact that she was a demon and almost started the apocalypse, but the other part was jealousy. Plain and simple. Dean had gone to Hell for Sammy. Ha gave his Soul up for Sammy, and Sammy chose her. Chose to go Darkside. That probably hurt the most. To know that his soul, his very life was nothing compared to a Demon to Sam.
Even in the end, when Ruby showed to Sam what Dean knew all along, Dean forgave and Sam still wanted to leave. Wanted that normalcy, although he never voiced it out loud. Dean had spent his whole life watching his Baby Brother, first as his brother then as he got older Dean watched him as the unrequited Love of his Life. He knew his brother, inside and out. Sam was just staying and hunting with Dean out of some form of obligation. Or, until more options opened up. Dean wasn't sure. And despite knowing that, Dean was selfish. He wanted Sam around.
Oh he knew that the time was coming where Sam would leave again, and like he said before he would let Sam go without complaint. He would just continue to hunt, until all the wrong things he felt for his brother was more than made up for, which knowing that if he hadn't stopped after all these years he wouldn't. So Hunting it would be for the rest of his days.
Maybe he would travel outside the US. He always wanted to go to Mexico. Or maybe Canada. Hunt some beasties over there. That sounded like a plan. Go places without memories of his brother. Make new ones. Yeah, when the time came, thats exactly what he would do.
And Dean, for the first time in awhile fully relaxed with a plan in mind for the future. He was able to close his eyes and rest. It would be a cold a lonely one, a future without his World around everyday, but he would Survive. He always did.