A/N: So this is Sam's side of things. I will admit, for me, it's easier to write Dean. I love Sam, but as an older sibling it's easier to relate to Dean. So if y'all got any constructive tips to writing Sammy I would more than welcome them! Thanks!
So our boys think a lot alike huh? I won't make it too hard for them to figure things out, they've been through to much crap already, but it also won't be a walk in the park! But this I promise: They will be together!
And again, sorry for the bit of Angsty!Sam, but I wanted people to understand his thoughts in the events leading up to this point. These first two chapter are lead-ups to the real story, which starts next chapter!
So if ya got any tips let me know! Or if just wanna let me know whatcha think that works too!
Love is There
Sam Winchester was brooding. And those closest to him would tell you that it was everyday occurrence. But this time he wasn't thinking about himself, but now Sam was thinking about his brother. Dean had started to pull away since the fiasco with Ruby. Oh, he knew his brother forgave him, when Dean Winchester told you something, you could take it to the bank. But despite that, he was still pulling away. And Sam hated that.
Sam loved his brother, probably more than he should. And he never regretted anything more than the way he has treated these past years. But he had had to get away! He couldn't handle the pain anymore.
And that is what his home life had become when he was 18. Watching Dean, wanting Dean, Hell,worshiping Dean and knowing that nothing but heartache could ever happen between them. Because he knew Dean would punch him and then never speak to him again. So, his solution? Leave. After-all, if the temptation wasn't there then it would go away right?
But it didn't. Heck, it hadn't even diminished. He thought that perhaps with Jess he could learn to get over these feelings, and it worked as a distraction for awhile, but the love and longing he felt for his brother never ever went away.
But even with his secret life and secret feeling in between, they had still planned a life together and he didn't want her dead. She was the Best Friend he had ever had besides Dean and it did hurt when she was gone.
But even with the melancholy of her death on his conscious, those first few months with his brother were absolutely amazing. They were like before. Dean was always there. But pretty quickly the pain came back. And when his Dean wanted things to go back to the way things were, he knew he couldn't let that happen. The pain was just too intense. Its like it was never ending with Dean.
He would always be his kid brother to Dean, and for the most part that was ok. But Sam couldn't let things go back to that time. He couldn't be that close again. Wouldn't let himself be that close to Dean again. He would rather be lonely than feel nothing but pain. And so he told Dean that he didn't want to go back to the way it was before. And Dean seem to understand that. At least he hoped he did.
Sometimes Dean was a hard person to read. He has so many layers way down deep and to get to the real emotions you had to get to the very core of Dean to find out the truth. Dean was a natural when it come to wearing a mask. Sam used to be able to read Dean just from a look, but since he came back? All Dean did was wear masks. Even with Sam. And that hurt. I mean why couldn't Dean open up to him anymore? What changed?
That was the only thing that changed to Sam. His brother still looked after Sam. Still protected him from everything. Was still the big brother his Dad had ordered Dean to be. And Sam was grateful if a little annoyed that Dean sometimes acted like he couldn't take care of himself, but at least he knew Dean cared.
Sam just didn't know to the extent his brother cared. To sell his soul? For Sam! It was unbelievable and Amazing and Everything he ever wanted, but it also pissed him off. Because Dean was so much more important than Sam! Sam was the overly large freak with Demon blood in his system. But Dean? Dean had the biggest Heart for his family, and a Soul of Gold to match.
But to know that he, Sam, was that important to Dean, it was fantastical. To go to Hell for him. Yeah, you try not falling in love with person doing that for you. Its not possible Sam thinks a majority of the time.
And when Dean died. When he had to watch him be clawed up? Yeah, Sam had never felt such pain, such desperation for anyone. Dean was leaving him and all he could do was watch. To know that he failed in getting Dean out of his Deal? Yeah. He kinda just became numb to everything for a long time.
He had very easily fallen into the bottle. And that left him open to the mercy of Ruby. God. He had never hated anyone with such a passion as he did that bitch! She had used his own insecurities against him. Playing him like a finely tuned Piano.
When Dean returned, he was over joyed. He brother, his life, heck his Universe, had returned to him. Granted, he had fallen into bed with Ruby, again being seduced by pretty words. He had just wanted to feel. To believe even for a second that someone wanted him again. And Ruby knew that and was conveniently open to the idea. But despite his for sex life, Dean was back and Sam all was right in Sammy World. But only for a bit.
Dean, God Deans instincts were spot on. He knew she was a bad apple from the get go and never stopped trying to warn Sam. But Sam being who he was refused to believe he could be wrong. He pushed his brother away. With all his insecurities being shoved at him by Ruby, and the addiction to her blood, he just left. He chose Ruby. He chose a Demon over his brother. The brother, the man he Loved, the man who sold his soul for him. The man who died and went to Hell for him. The man who was so good and so much like the Arch-Angel Michael the Angels brought him back.
God, his stomach still rolled just thinking about his betrayal.
Cause he knew that that is what it was. Complete and utter betrayal. To his morals, his ideals, and his Family. To Dean.
And still! Dean was there protecting him. Coming after him and stopping him from making the biggest mistake of his life. He was right there making sure the Seals didn't open. He pretty much stopped the apocalypse from happening. Because Dean never gave up on him. Never, no matter what Sam did. He knew his brother would always be there. It made Sam feel safe in every since of the word because of that.
After they finally destroyed the Bitch, he apologized. And Dean just forgave him. Like that. Said no chick-flick moments and they moved on to the next hunt. It was amazing to know Dean forgave him, but Sam couldn't forgive himself. And he vowed then and there to never leave his brother. He would stick by his brother no matter how much it hurt.
He was In Love with his brother, and for the first time in his life Sam was ok with that. Because Dean? Dean made it so easy to love him. Would Sam ever tell? Probably not cause he knew that it would change things irrevocably between them. Oh Dean wouldn't leave, Sam was sure of that now, but things would change to much. And that was something Sam didn't want. So he would live out the rest of his days loving someone who would never return those feelings. And he was ok with that, simply because it was Dean.
And with that thought firmly in his head, Sam turned over and was able to relax. Cause Big Brother was there and would always be. Cause Sam wasn't going anywhere. And Sam slept with a smile on his face for the first time in a long while.