Title: A Cornucopia of Taste

Pairing: A plethora of Yaoi couples.

Rating: It varies. Usually M.

Summary: This was originally going to be pure, unsullied Zoro x Sanji but I changed my mind. It'll just be a collection of man x man love fics. Sometimes they'll be long, sometimes they'll be short, sometimes they'll be steamy, at times sweet. Updated sporadically, labeled as complete since I'll never finish it. Completely unrelated, can jump around from IU to AU to another galaxy. All future yaoi one-shots will be housed here. Het one-shots and drabbles will be housed separate. Pairing will be named at the top of the chapter. I also have moved all other Yaoi oneshots I wrote before in here and deleted them from my stories list. I'm sorry for the huge hassle, but I hope you readers like this streamlined version better. Enjoy!


Pairing: Zoro x Sanji

Chapter One

Love Me Dead

Love me cancerously, like a salt sore soaked in the sea

High maintenance means you're a gluttonous queen

Narcissistic and mean, kill me romantically

Fill my soul with vomit and then ask me for a piece of gum

Bitter and dumb, you're my sugar plum

You're awful, I love you, you suck so passionately

You're a parasitic psycho filthy creature finger banging my heart

You call me up drunk, does the fun ever start?

You're hideous and sexy, how's your new boy?

Does he know about me? You've got the mark of the beast

You're born of a jackal, you're beautiful!

Oh, must be the sign on my head! That says, "Love me dead!"

-"Love me Dead", Ludo


Lazy evening, maybe the best time to have sex on the Sunny Go. If you are feeling the urge, and if you have a willing partner.

The sun is just barely on the edge of the horizon, its semi circle glowing a warm and relaxing red orange. The heat and the light linger in the day still, allowing the Strawhats to walk around cheerfully enough in their shirtsleeves, but the bite and glare have been sapped out of them; only the mellow afterimages remain.

The most noisiest of the crew members by then have usually succumbed to the serenity of the evening, and have opted to fall asleep against each other's shoulders as they fish; allowing for the necessary peace and quiet for two individuals to glance at each other, nod, and slip off to the comforts of each other's bodies.

The more introspective women of the crew have also taken advantage of the momentary lull in their crew's antics; they are either busy mapping the strange islands of the even stranger ocean that they have found themselves in at this particular stage of their life, or are sitting outside, reading a good book. And deep in the bowels of the ship, an engineer works on his latest project.

So, laying languid and sweaty, pillowed on hard flesh that to them, is soft, with the evening melting in through the window…that is perfection for lovers. If they are lucky, the skeleton musician will be on deck, serenading the dying day with a melody that aches in remembrance, so that their sex is adrift in sweet melody. And they are often lucky.



"Hmm.", the cook doesn't turn over, but a small grunt lifts his chest, so that Zoro knows that he is listening.

"We always do it good, huh?" He doesn't know why he says it, doesn't know why he wants to tell the cook so that he knows the cook knows. He just wants to say it. A sort of capping triumph.

"But of course.", Sanji still doesn't turn around; Zoro is still graced with the sight of his bare back, the subtle lines of muscle crossing it, the sweat quickly evaporating from off the white skin, the pink scratches of his own fingernails, the wounds of pleasure.

He reaches out a finger and traces the light lines, chuckling when Sanji twitches and snorts, "Ticklish…stop that."

"You ever wonder if we're just going to keep banging right up to Raftel?", Zoro asks him, his tone both lightly teasing and serious.

"We'll be in one piece when they name Luffy King of the Pirates, get it? One Piece?", Sanji cracks up at his own wit. The vibrations of his laughter shake the bed softly, and Zoro punches him lightly in the back, both for the disturbance and the wisecrack.

"I think that was the stupidest joke I've ever heard, cook."

"I think that was the stupidest joke I've ever said, swordsman.", Sanji finally switches sides so that Zoro can see his face, "But I just had to say it." His grin is satisfied, not at all sorry.

"No, but seriously, you think we're just going to keep on going at it, forever?", Zoro reaches out and traces a light hand across his jawline, Sanji's eyes flutter at the touch.

"Well…I think so…If we don't have a problem with each other, I mean, I can't see you cheating on me with Luffy.", Sanji half shrugs, "Why, thinking of cutting if off with me?", he pretends to sniff loudly and dramatically wipes a hand across his eyes.

"No, it's not that…just seems…", Zoro shrugs, "Seems so…domestic, what we're doing."

"Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line sex.", Sanji smirks at him, and flips his hair over his other eye. "Is my ass getting too boring for you, oh, great swordsman who knows all?"

"I didn't mean it like that.", Zoro says, amused at Sanji's antics in spite of himself, "I'm just surprised that things turned out like this."

"I can sympathize with that. Hell, when I saw you, I thought you couldn't even get it up." Sanji grins at him, it isn't an insult, or even a jibe, it's just something he says, a little Sanji-ism.

"When I first saw you, I didn't think you swung both ways. Ladies' man.", Zoro reaches out and traces the pink-brown oval of the cook's perky nipple, "Was I wrong."

"I can think of something much more productive that your finger can be doing.", Sanji answers, his eyelids drooping, Zoro has seen this happen before and can positively identify that look as the blonde's 'fuck me' sign.

"I think you're not taking this entire 'how our relationship has progressed' discussion seriously, cook." But his thumb runs rapidly over the bud, feeling it harden magically underneath his caresses.

"Hmph.", Sanji grunts, he doesn't look as impressed with events as his counterpart, but his back slightly arches with the actions of Zoro's hand, "Whatever…It's because I'm not sure where you want to take this conversation…Is the sex good? No good?"

" 'S good.", Zoro says, and rolls on top of him.


Later, their bodies more sweatier and the room more muskier, Sanji murmurs, "You could've just said that."

"Forget it. You don't understand, cook."

"Hmph. Shouldn't we clean ourselves, get dressed?"

"You can if you want. I got nothing they haven't seen themselves.", Zoro closes his eyes and props his arms behind his head.

"Oh yeah. I'm entirely positive that Usopp has seen my jizz splattered all over his stomach.", Zoro can hear the squeak of the bed springs as Sanji gets up and the rustlings as the cook cleans himself and struggles back into his suit.

"He better have not, or I swear upon my mother's grave that I'll chop your balls off. You know-Oni Giri has amazing precision."

"Do you seriously think I'd be desperate enough to sleep with the sharpshooter who wears a mask to get his balls to drop…?", Zoro hears the metallic click of Sanji's lighter, and the subsequent whoosh of flame. The smell of smoke completes the trilogy. "I swear he wears that mask when he jacks off-"

"I don't think Usopp is at that stage yet.", Zoro interrupts, chuckling, smiling as he thinks of the long nosed boy aboard the Sunny Go.

"I don't think he'll ever be. Here clean yourself up.", the small thump of something light, presumably a towel, or even his own discarded shirt, hits the covers near his head. Seems as if Sanji is determined to have him clean before the day is done.

"I think they already know for sure anyway. It's not going to be such a scandal if I have your come splashed on me somewhere." He makes no move to grab whatever it is that Sanji has thrown at him.

"It's called decency.", he can't see the blond, but Zoro can picture him. A hand on his hip, another holding his cigarette, his swirly eyebrow drawn down in disapproval.

"Oh, that thing.", he can't help his lips from curling up.

"'Oh, that thing'.", Sanji mimics sarcastically, "Clean up, marimo."

"Why don't you clean me up? You left it there in the first place.", Zoro's grin broadens; deviling the cook is half the fun from whatever constitutes their relationship. He refuses to open his eyes and acknowledge the blond, something which is, no doubt, bothering the cook to no end right this minute.

There is a few seconds of silence, not many, but enough for Zoro to wonder if Sanji had given up and left the room, even though he hadn't heard the door open. He's right about to open his eyes and see where the cook has gotten to, but then he feels the long slathering of heat on his stomach, and his eyes fly open.

"What-", He half gets up, Sanji is hunkered on his side of the bed, his face down, licking up come.

"You wanted me to clean you up, didn't you? 'Cuz I put it there; so it's only fair that I take it off.", Sanji 's eyes dance as he runs the flat of his tongue over the rippled abs, the white substance disappearing into his mouth.

"You don't have to-I was just kidding.", Zoro drops back on his elbows so that Sanji can work easier, surprised in spite of himself, and well on his way to being hornier than heaven.

All he receives is small sighs as Sanji 'cleans', taking come but leaving saliva and a chill and a need. When Sanji finishes, it is night and he is hard. Zoro mutters, "I hate you sometimes."

"That's why I wanted you to do it yourself."

"Come on, just get down here-"

"No, I'm all dressed. I was going to go see if Nami needed some help."

"It'll only take a minute-"

"That's the funniest thing you've said all week.", Sanji sits down on the bed and fits his glossy black shoes on each foot.

"I think you did this on purpose.", Zoro muttered, flopping back down on the bed, knowing he'll have to do it later by hand. Oh well, at least after having had a months long sexual relationship with the Sunny Go's cook, if there was one thing he had gained from all of this, after all the dust and dirt had settled, it was first rate jack off material. That was one thing he did have. "It must all be in your secret agenda."

"Curses, my evil, nefarious plot of having Zoro Roronoa walk around with a perpetual hard on finally revealed.", Sanji blew him a kiss as he walked towards the door, his hips twitching more than usual, a sign Zoro could read as 'I have just been freshly laid and am as happy as a bumblebee.'

"You're fucking snarky today, I noticed. You on the rag?"



"Land Hooooooo!", their captain's bellowing voice, excited beyond measure, drags the crew out of their good night's sleep and into the usually insane realm of the Grand Line.

An hour later, breakfast snug in their bellies, and belli burning a hole in all their pockets, the crew splits themselves into teams of exploration and excitement. The divining up of all members and belli go as it usually does, that is to say, loud and noisy and slightly dangerous.

"I'm going for books! Medicine books!", Chopper's excited squeakings are almost too high pitched to be heard by humans, the stars in his eyes twinkle like small gems, "I've got a little bit of belli I stored up since the last island, and I'm going to buy a whole cartload of medical books so I can learn more!"

"Don't spend everything Chopper, because I swear to God that that is the last belli I'm giving you if you spend it all.", Nami's ultimatum rings out over the general hubbub, "That goes for all of you too."

"Nami! We need a big bronze statue-", Luffy's request is silenced by a hard smack.

"Anyone else think we should change our gold for bronze?", the navigator looks around chirpily. A chorus of 'no's' rings out, subdued and slightly fearful.

"I think I'll tag along with Doctor-san to the bookstore.", Robin comments thoughtfully and favors the reindeer with a smile, "Perhaps we can pool our money together and buy more books that way?"

"Robin!", Chopper's eyes are enough to cause retinal damage, they are that bright and worshipping.

"I'll go with Robin-chwaaaan~", Sanji trills, spinning around, "The island map says that the food section is right next to the book and paper section." He pauses, "Oh, and I guess Chopper's coming too." Chopper takes the opportunity to jab his sharp hoof into Sanji's shin, extracting from the cook a loud yelp.

Zoro isn't even subtle, "I'll go with the cook."

Franky whistles and picks at his thong, "I need some new pants. I'll head off toward the department store section. Maybe get a few more tropical shirts. I need to have style, bros."

"I'll go with you Franky. I need to pick some more shirts up and maybe a few skirts.", Nami muses over the map for a few more seconds before handing it to Robin, "The department stores are on the other side of the island, you sure you don't want to come with, Robin?"

The historian just shakes her head, smiling, "I'd rather buy some new books. But can pick up some map paper if you want."

"Yes, I'd like that. I'll pick you up some clothes too.", they share a perfect woman moment of understanding and good economy amidst a den of half witted baboons.

"Nami! Can we at least buy some meat?", Luffy's looks like's back in action, a strange red bump decorating his head.

"Sanji, you can handle that. I'm going now."

"All right Luffy. I'll pick up some meat."

"Yohohohohoho! I think I'll head to the music store and pick up some sheet music, and see the violins."

"Nami told me that the music section is right next to the knick knack section, Brooke. I'll head off with you. I want to see if I can pick up anything useful for Kabuto."

"Hey Skeleton, if you see a few good guitar strings, pick me up some will you?"

"Of course, engineer-san."

"Robin-swaaaan~ Are you leaving now?"

"Yes, cook-san. Ready Doctor-san?"

"Wait for me~"

"Shut up cook."


"I'm just glad you don't trill my name like that while we fuck."


"Zoro, that's too much information. I can hear you guys at night sometimes! You know I have a disease? The I-can't-listen-to-my-crewmates-have-sex disease?"

"I've never heard of that disease in any of my books, Usopp! Is it dangerous?"

"Why, yes it is Chopper. I'm the only man who's contracted it and survived, you know."

"Yohohohohohoho! I try to drown it out with my violin music, but I can still hear them!"


"Cook, you're the only one in denial at this point."

"Decency, idiots, decency for God's sake. There's a lady present."

"Really? I don't see one."

"Apologize to Robin-swan marimo!"

"I don't see one either, actually."



He's right about to follow the cook into the grocery store when he feels a light tapping on his shoulder. It's Robin. She's alone; Chopper couldn't contain his excitement and had transformed into walking point and headed off at a brisk trot. He probably was already happily rummaging through the old, rickety stairs of the bookstore.

"What?", Sanji is already moving through the aisles of the store, picking up cabbages and sniffing them and he wants to follow him and poke fun at everything from his girly cooking ability to his swirly eyebrow. That's just the way they are.

"Let's go in here.", the blackhaired historian's smile is mysterious, even more than usual, as she points to the nearby bookstore, and her eyes are fixed on the moving figure of the cook. Zoro's ears perk up in spite of himself; the way Robin's eyes are trained on Sanji hint to the fact that whatever she wants to tell him is about the blond, and if she didn't want to be overheard, it further promised the revelation of a juicy something. Anything that would allow him to one-up Sanji was fair game to Zoro and he followed Robin into the dusty bookstore amiably enough.


"I was hoping that you'd help me carry some of my books back to the Sunny?", Robin looks at him politely.

"What, woman! I thought you were going to tell me something good about Sanji!", Zoro mutters, feeling just a teensy bit disappointed.

"Whatever gave you that impression?", he can swear he can see small red devils dancing the bagpipe in her blue eyes, as wide and innocent as a lamb's, and as guilty as Cain's.

"You were looking at him-ah, just forget it. I'm going now.", Zoro throws up his hands and starts to head out.

"Aren't you going to help me with my books, swordsman-san?"

"Yeah, sure. Whatever. Call me when you need me.", he doesn't feel like sticking around to watch Robin flip through thick tomes he can't possibly ever hope of understanding.

"So I'm assuming that you don't want to know what I know about Cook-san.", her voice is musical, casual, just stating the facts, mister.

He immediately stops, his ears perking up again, but this time, wary. "I thought you said you didn't know anything."

"I never said that."

"But-", Zoro pauses as he re-runs the conversation through his head again, realizes that Robin's right, as she always is, and mutters, "But you implied."

"But I didn't say." She'd make an excellent chess player. Or speech and debate captain.

"Whatever. What do you know about Sanji?", he tries to keep the eagerness from his voice, but assumes he has failed, judging from the smirk that is definitely not ladylike currently creeping up on Robin's face.

"I'll tell you but you have to stay here while I shop."

"No." His answer is immediate, a result of his own hubris.

"Fine then." Robin drifts off and stops to casually inspect a rack of books, from what Zoro can see, deal mainly in the questionable subject of necromancy. He wonders what the hell she does in her room late at night when everyone's asleep or having sex.

It takes him half a second to give in and follow the historian, "Okay, okay. I will. But you have to swear that one-you'll actually tell me. And two-that it's something good. That I can use."

Robin smile is nearly voluptuous when she's happy, Zoro would totally lay her in a second if he didn't already have something with the cook, "I swear that I'll tell you. I swear that it's good and that you can use it. Satisfied, swordsman-san?"

"Yeah. But I don't see why you want me to stay here with you, I mean, what's in it for you?", Zoro scratches his head in bemusement, "I doubt you want me to get more literate."

"Maybe I do.", Robin points across the aisle to another aisle, more hidden in shadow, nearer the entrance, "I saw some interesting books about swords and famous swordsmen over there when I came in."

"Huh. I'll check it out.", he heads off, not seeing the smile Robin's wearing develop into a full-out grin of utter amusement and impish naughtiness.

Robin's right. She always is. That's one of the more annoying things about her, in Zoro's humble opinion. The books are fucking interesting. He's not much of a reader, though he can read, which might have come as a surprise to some, especially the orange haired witch and the stupid blond cook. But he'd much rather train or meditate on his spare time than pick up a book and read.

That doesn't detract from the interest he immediately feels for the titles in front of him.

Through Yellow Eyes: The complete unauthorized biography of Juraquille "Hawk Eyes" Mihawk. Zoro snorts laughter as he pulls the book from the shelf and flips through it. There's pictures of Mihawk as a young boy, with the same piercing eyes, and clutching a plastic sword/ as well as pictures of other relations, some with strange yellow eyes and others with short cropped black hair. The rest of it deals with the young Mihawk's childhood and his meteoric rise to fame and notoriety. He puts it back. Boring.

Nitoryuu: A study and training manual. Zoro flips it open and rifles through the pages. Nothing interesting. Two sword style is something he's already mastered. Anyway, this looks like a book for mediocre swordsman.

The Sword Bible. It's exactly the one that marine girl, and creepy Kuina-look-a-like, Tashigi, carried around, except bigger and more detailed. Zoro looks up his own swords for fun and smirks at the prestige given to Wadou Ichimonji. He checks out the other Twenty One Named Swords and ogles them much like he would an Amazon Lily magazine.

How to Polish your Sword: A Beginner's Guide. Zoro doesn't even take it down. It sounds too unsavory.

Samurai Ryumma and the Dragon takes up at least thirty minutes of his time. It is interesting, though a lot of it is written based on the author's assumptions and guesses of what happened in that time period. But it carries a ring of truth to it, and Zoro silently approves of the author's clear and concise style, he most definitely had been a swordsman himself.

The Great Book of Sword Jokes is highly amusing, if slightly juvenile. But he memorizes the more clever ones to take back to tell Sanji.

Swords for Dummies is slightly insulting in its simplicity. It would have been perfect for Luffy or Usopp.

And then, Santoryuu: Roronoa Zoro' Infamous Swordsmanship Style makes him chuckle. He flips through it, sees pictures of his home and dojo, and of his teacher, looking both humble and tired in his simple grey uniform. There's even pictures of the cemetery where Kuina is buried. The actual book is mostly about his activities in the Strawhat crew and an in depth analysis of his techniques. At least the author admired him. The book even comes with his large life-size bounty poster. He puts it back with a sigh of regret after a quick peek at the price tag. Not that he wanted to buy it. of course.

There are other titles, others intriguing enough to warrant him taking them down, others just plain silly which earn from him a grunt of laughter.

Welcome to the Carnival: A look at swordsmanship in the crew of Buggy the Clown just makes him laugh.

Fighting like a Gentleman; the art of the Rapier. Maybe the ideal book for Brooke, not for him.

A History of the Sword is pretty good, but probably more Robin's field than his. There's too much flowery description for him to make any sense of it.

The Medicine of the Sword has good advice for wounds inflicted with metal. He'll have to remember to point Chopper in it's direction. Where did that reindeer doctor head off to anyway?

Kiribachi: Arlong's Weapon makes him grimace.

Devil Fruit Sex.

Zoro blinks. What the hell does that have to do with swords?

He looks up, a sign hanging overhead proclaims that he's stepped into the relationships/love/sex section.

"Why the hell do they have to put that stuff next to the sword stuff?", he mutters to no one in particular, though he probably knows why. Sanji has told him millions of times that he's a swordsman only because he has a Freudian need to compensate. He always retorts that at least he doesn't need to stick something in his mouth all day long in order to feel loved.

Zoro can feel his eyes wandering to the other titles in spite of himself, drawn by a sort of sick fascination by the title of the first book. And curiosity getting the better to him, he reaches over, with a quick glance around to make sure no one's looking, picks it up and flips it open.

He nearly throws up when he reads the paragraph on the Sand Sand fruit. Then, knowing he'll never see Luffy the same way, Zoro flips to the G section and looks for Gomu Gomu.

-then have your partner spin around and around until it wraps tightly around them and aches with both tension and need. At the moment of release, release your grip so that your partner unwhirls rapidly, spilling-

"Holy fuck…" He nearly shoves the book back on the shelf.

He can't help look at the other ones.

The Ten Steps to having Great Pirate Sex.

Love on the Sky Islands: Positions and Desires

The Kama Sutra of West Blue

The Complete Guide to Amazon Lily

Grand Line Sex

He has to pick up that last one. More because of what Sanji had said the other day, then because he's actually interested on what it has to offer.

"Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line sex."

Zoro drags it out, it's a pretty thick book, though he can't imagine that there are so many different possibilities of sex available. On the front there's an image of a man and a woman engaged in a passionate embrace against the backdrop of the infinite galaxies of the universe. Classy.

Apparently the book is divided into four sections; man and woman, woman and woman, man and man, and orgy. It's just curiosity that makes him flip to the man and man section. The section cover is enough to make his jaw drop and to trigger the salivary glands in his mouth.

It's a picture of a young, achingly handsome young man with longish brown hair lying naked on a large bed, his cock is standing to attention, Zoro doesn't know if it's red or not, hairy or not, because it's covered in whipped cream, vague shape of the head is adorned with a bright red cherry. The young man's lover has his tongue out and is captured daintily licking the shiny skin of the cherry.

He can't help picturing Sanji there.

"Just because we're in the Grand Line where everything's out of this world, doesn't mean we should have Grand Line sex."

Maybe it does mean that they should have Grand Line sex. Karma itself had directed this book into his hands. Why, it had practically jumped into his arms. It was meant to be.

Yeah. Fate. That's what it is.


"What? You want a book? You want me to buy you a book?", Sanji frowns as Zoro tugs him none too gently into the bookstore, not more than twenty minutes after he had first left it, "What the heck are you so excited about?"

"You'll see. You'll love it.", Zoro favors him with a lecherous grin, emphasizing the love part with deceptive sincerity. In all the excitement of discovering the book and managing to drag Sanji here, he has completely forgotten about Robin and Chopper who are probably still floating somewhere around in the bookstore, and most likely not checking out sexual instruction manuals like their more idiotic crewmember counterparts.

"Your smile is slightly scary, you know. Ah, hell no-I don't want to buy you a sword book.", Sanji frowns at the titles passing by. "Don't you have anything better to do?"

"No, no, it's this.", Zoro plops the thick, red leather bound book into his hands.

He doesn't think Sanji's eyebrows can lift any higher than they are doing right now, they seriously look in danger of disappearing into his blonde hair. "A sex book? Is this what you're so happy about?" His tone is 'are you fucking serious?'

"Look at the title.", Zoro urges.

"Grand Line Sex.", Sanji observes, "Oh, I get it. This is from what I said yesterday, and now you're going to weakly use that little coincidence as justification for buying this shit and coercing me into getting into all these kinky positions for your own benefit."

"Wow, that's some scary intuition."

Sanji's flipping though the book, "Holy shit…this one involves six chairs, a log pose, and a breath dial….is this even legal?"

"A breath dial?" Vague images. Some pleasant, other's just flat out disgusting.

"Motherfucker.", Sanji's eyes widen slightly, "Check this one out- You need a den-den mushi phone, duct tape, and a bull yagara. The pictures are fucking explicit Holy Shee-it."

"So what are you thinking so far?"

"I'm thinking no fucking way…I'm more than satisfied with our boring old, decidedly normal sex…OH.", Sanji sucks in his breath sharply, and Zoro can tell from his spot in the book that he's looking at the cream whipped dick page.

He tries not to laugh at Sanji's expression which can only be described as 'obsessive, wide-eyed intrigue.' As well as 'instant memorization', "What do you think now?"

"Does this thing have a price tag on it? I'm not seeing one."


"Come on, pass it-"

"Hell no…Hey, listen to this one-take a stool and place it near a sturdy wall, then have your partner-"

"Stop spoiling it for me cook! Pass it here! I found it first!", Zoro makes a lunge for it, but only succeeds in having his check smashed with a hard sole as Sanji defended his illegally acquired property. Sanji's lying on Robin's bed, which is, coincidently, where they usually opt to have sex, and where they did have sex yesterday, and flipping through Grand Line Sex.

"So what? I paid for it.", Sanji smirks and pretends to see something interesting in the book, his eyes widen in exaggeration. "Oh my dear sweet God-this one's hot-"

This time, after a few minutes of hard scrambling, rough punches and swift kicks, Zoro does manage to seize half the book, the spine creaking and groaning in protest as the two men nearly rip it apart in the spirit of competition.

"Hey, dumbass-watch it, this thing's gonna rip-", Sanji glares at him, yanking all the while on his own side.

"You watch it!."

They end up sharing it, something which Nami would have scoffed at if it had earlier been mentioned in her immediate vicinity.

"Hmm-hmmm. I can see myself doing that."

"I'd pay you to that Sanji." He flips the page.

"Wow. Okay, that's just plain weird." Sanji.

"Watermelons? I mean, really? Really?" Zoro.

"Ooh, here's a kitchen one."

"We already did it in the kitchen. Remember? On the table, the counter, the pantry, the floor, the fridge."

"But they use all sorts of utensils. Look."

"Hey, I eat with that!"


"Good point."

"Hey…", it's Sanji, sounding both a little too eager and a little embarrassed, "Are we actually…you know…", he trails off, letting Zoro fill in the black.

"What? Do these?"


"Thought you didn't want to, Mr. Normal Sex is Fine.". Zoro leans back and grins at the slightly uncomfortable cook. The want in the cook's body is priceless, it is so much sweeter when he is eating his own words.

"Well, it'd be a waste to buy this book and not…use it.", Sanji turns on his smile, but Zoro refuses to melt.

"Let me here you say it, cook."

"Say what? What?" The innocence act doesn't become him.

"Come on-'You were right Zoro-kun.' Say it."

"Right? Right about what?" I don't know what you're-"

"Say it!", Zoro's outright grinning at the fake look of confusion that Sanji's still hanging on to.

"YouwererightZoro.", Sanji raps it out between gritted teeth, his face slightly pink, and so fast, Zoro can hear the spit flying.

"I didn't hear you. Slower."

"You…were…right…Zoro.", now the cook is obscenely slow.

"Too slow."

"Fuck you marimo!"

"Not until you're a good boy."

Sanji takes a deep breath and growls, "You were right Zoro."

"You were right Zoro-kun."

"You were right Zoro-kun.", now Sanji's voice is robotic. It seems that the cook wouldn't just stay down. He just had to have the last word. Well, two could play at that game.


He doesn't think Sanji's going to do it, Zoro has never seen that particular shade of red creeping up Sanji's neck. It's highly amusing in fact.

But then, Sanji's voice drops two registers, it comes out leisurely and husky, slightly aroused and dripping with a smoker's drawl, "You were right…Zoro-kun." The last word is a moan, and Zoro's already pushing down his pants and stripping his haramaki by the third word.

Sanji's already on him before he's fully done, hands wrenching his head up in need, "Which one should we…try out?", agile hands, the fingers strong and feeling unbelievably hot grip his back as Sanji breathes the question into his mouth.

"The cover-"

"I'm out of whipped cream…I'll make some later.", Zoro can feel the curve of his lips against his own as he smiles.

"Damn, that was my preferred.", he licks a line across Sanji's jaw, musing. "Let's just go in order."

"Practical, I like it." Sanji detaches himself for a second to snatch the book off from the covers, "Hey, where's Robin? She won't come in here soon?"

"She won't, but we will", Zoro snickers, then, "Nah, she's up deck reading this huge book, called The Complete Encyclopedia of all things Government. I checked."

"Ah, my wonderfully intellectual flower. I'll lock the door though."

"While we're down here ogling Grand Line Sex, which isn't much better than an adult picture book."

Sanji ignores him, "Okay, let's see…the first position is….ahhhh, yes….", his eyes twinkle.

"What?", he peers over the cook's shoulder, busy stripping off his shirt, "Oh…I see."

Sanji snatches up a pillow and props the book open on it, "We'll need to see this. Come on, help me with my clothes."

Zoro does, with pleasure.

As he's running his hands all over his lover's body, he feels a smug pride that the book was a pretty good investment, after all. And suddenly. Zoro realizes that Robin never told him what she wanted or what she knew about Sanji. Oh well, he'll find out later. His hands are going to be full of hot naked cook in a few seconds.


Part Two

The Bootiful View

You taught me to not smoke without breakfast

You taught me that embraced to your waist, everything looks like a feast

You taught many things of the bed

Which are better for making love, but also for sleep

You taught me, among other things, how to live

To convert a caress into a masterpiece

-"Me Ensenaste", Ricardo Arjona


"It's called the Bootiful View," Sanji's voice sounds like he hasn't decided if he's amused, aroused, or appalled. His eyebrow has scrunched tight and rolled into something resembling a swirl lollypop. It's Sanji's special, unique, eyebrow body language which Zoro can interpret to mean that the cook is thinking, 'Do I really want to degrade myself for sexual pleasure? Do I really? '

"The Bootiful View? Don't you mean 'the beautiful view?'" Zoro asked, shivering slightly at the change of temperature, and rubbed with the tips of his fingers, his goosebumpy skin. It didn't help. He slid his arms around Sanji's waist instead and nuzzled his chin into the crook of skin between shoulder and neck, keeping an eye on the tantalizing images in the book.

It seemed like Sanji always carried the warmth of his beloved kitchen around him wherever he went, his body is warm and smelled good, like freshly baked bread. The solid muscles in his body are reassuring, and Zoro allows himself to cling; to just relax in someone else's body. It's a rich feeling. Their nakedness is comforting, and the quiet happiness which wraps around their bodies is enough of a covering for them.

Neither of them are hard, though they soon will be. But it's not something which they really think about it. It's off in the hazy distance, a pleasant eventuality.

"No, it actually says. 'The Bootiful View'…," Sanji repeated, squinting at the pages fiercely, as if he truly believed that if he stared hard enough at it, the offensive pun would disappear. "I'm afraid that is a rather pathetic attempt at humor, my friend."

Zoro snorted laughter into Sanji's neck, "Look who's fucking talking…I still haven't forgotten about your 'One Piece' joke. That was even lamer, if that's even possible."

"Hey-I'm a sensitive man," Sanji muttered, pretending to look put out, and Zoro immediately kissed his shoulder.

"Well, then it's obviously I who should be enjoying the bootiful view," Zoro murmured, his tongue flicks out and runs the side of Sanji's neck. The hands that had been clinging, now clutched at what they considered to be their own. Cook just ignored him, his eyes still glued to the sheets in his hands, lips soundlessly moving as the words ran through his mind.

"I don't really care Zoro-"

They end up on the floor, the bed being too soft to be a good training ground. And they might not have been hard when they had been joking around and acting like general idiots, but by the time Zoro takes Sanji's ankles and spreads them, they are well on their way there.

The bootiful view is just that. A beautiful view of the portion of the human anatomy commonly referred to as the ass. The butt. The dual pair of round globes. The boys. Their name is legion.

Sanji could feel Zoro probing inside already, and he shivered from the cold carpet on the floor, which his stomach as lying flush against.

First, frost the cake. Lotion was spread consolingly around the entrance to his being, smeared carefully, with a sort of lopsided affection. His left cheek was patted, even. With the same subtle affection that Zoro would pat the head of a small dog. And Sanji had the presence of mind to chuckle and squeeze his knees together around Zoro's sides. His ankles could barely cross behind the man's back. It was slightly irritating.

Funny, the stuff he thought about during. Sort of like in the transitional stage of a waiting room in a doctor's office. Where the hell where the magazines?

One finger.

It wasn't unpleasant, it never was. A centimeter, he could handle, he wasn't that much of a weakling. There was no whimpering, no mewling. Just a steady throbbing heat down there. Utterly organic. The beginnings of erection. It always felt slightly strange, however. As if something was crawling around inside, a sort of pleasant amoeba. The metaphors abounded.

Two fingers.

Yes, okay, more burning, but otherwise fine. Zoro was taking it slow, letting him adjust. He didn't have to, but then, Zoro was weird. Now the amoeba had extended a tentacle; there were two things, slowly moving back and forth, like they were trying to walk. Doublefinger. Sanji couldn't help it—his muffled snickers turned into hearty guffaws of laughter. It reminded him of the chick in Arabasta.


"Nothing, nothing."

Three fingers.

Pain he tried not to feel. He had broken his ribs and his spinal cord in several places on Drum Island, he had had his stomach cavity cave in when Kurobi of Arlong's goons had decided to take him swimming, he had had metal plates adorned with stone pearls slammed into every portion of his body. But there were different types of pain. And though this one hurt less, it had a different feel to it. It was an intimate pain, a pain with deep roots in the psyche.

"This is a really good view, Sanji, just saying." Zoro remarked from behind him, "You good?"

"As good as I'm going to get," Sanji answered, feeling the slight adjustment on Zoro's part, and the probing heat at his sensitive hole. But Zoro had prepared him well, and the transition from fingers to cock wasn't going to kill him. Or at least, that's what he liked to tell himself. A little pep talk from the old subconscious. Yee-haw.

"It's pretty easy this way," Zoro remarked from behind him; and Sanji's mind blurred and twisted in strange formations as he tried not to think of the stretching. The pushing and grinding entrance of the cock.

God, oh god.

"Stop acting like you've got the hardest job down there; this is hard for me to, you know." Zoro muttered, gripping his legs in a death grip.

"I'm so sorry, Zoro, I mean, shit, I can't believe I force you into this," Sanji grunted, the words hard in their coming as he's entered. It's hard to sound sarcastic.

"You goddamn right," Zoro muttered, and giving him a particularly hard thrust, hit that spot.

Sanji could heat the smile in the swordsman's words, "You might want to keep your voice down."

And the sex starts for keeps.

Zoro grabbed him and plundered him, shifting hips, using his ass like it belonged to him, molding and pulling. Sanji's helpless to do anything except grunt and growl and when the position's right, yelp and cry out embarrassingly when it's not and his muscles complain.

The man behind him with skin that burns really can reduce him to nothing but a quivering puddle of bones and flesh. All Sanji can think of is how fucking good fucking feels—oh fuck yeah. How it feels to be gripped and used and needed. How vital it feels to have something so potent within him. How the rhythm of thrusting cock, shifting ass, and roaming hands have all converged into something called sex.

Zoro's breathing heavily behind him, small grunts escaping him when Sanji involuntarily clenched inside in response to the stimulation inside him, the touching of that unfathomable place.

"How's the position?" he asked after a few more thrusts and eye watering sensations had loosed his tongue.

"Great. Now quiet, this is—hard."



His ass was buzzing. Like it had a hangover. He tapped Zoro's back drowsily.


"I'm going to…sleep."

Zoro grunted quiet laughter. "Go ahead. You deserve it."

He tapped Zoro's back again, a little more urgently even as the room faded dreamily.

"Yeah, yeah. I'll clean up and dress you. Go to sleep."

It was great how during good sex, even their minds fucked and kept on fucking even after orgasm. He was so in tune to Zoro's wavelength that they could probably communicate telepathically at this moment.

He tried it, just as he drifted off.

Next time…me.


And then-

Zoro shifted, "Yeah. Sure. Whatever."