Ichigo commits suicide and no one knows why, so his friends in Soul Society decide to find him and ask. But the only clue to his location and motive is his journal, which reveals parts of the man that his friends never expected, and never thought were possible…

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach (though many days I wish I did just to put certain characters dresses… ahhh well, another time maybe.)


Ichigo- Journal; Last Entry

I know what you would think if I told you how I feel. You would look at me with that cold, aloof expression and tell me I'd lost my mind. You don't know how I fear that look, the one that seems reserved for me alone lately.

So I won't tell you. Not now, maybe never. Yeah, never is good. I won't be here much longer anyway.

Sure, it hurts knowing that the one person I have ever felt this for wants nothing to do with me in that way, but I can't help it. To look at you is to want, to need, and to dream. You see us as just friends, I wish for more. Yes, I know you love another, but my heart won't stop aching for you.

I'm watching you walk away one last time, and it's shredding the last of my broken heart in my chest, but I won't tell you… because that would be cruel, and it would steal the happiness that you finally found with her.

I have to laugh inside, bitter though it may be, that you will be the last to see me. Is that sick? I can't tell anymore, the last part of my soul has been ripped open and someone is pouring acid in the wound.

Nothing has ever hurt like this, not when Renji cut my shoulders open, not even when Kenpachi nearly sliced me in two, or when Grimmjow stabbed me and left me to bleed out. Hell, it didn't even hurt this bad when Ulquiorra ripped out my heart. This pain is a thousand times greater, and it won't heal.

So I'll watch you walk away, and then I'll do it. I can't take the loss of one more person I love, the pain is too much. My family is gone, so no one will care. No I take that back, Renji will be pissed and Rukia may cry, but they'll forget in time. Yeah, they'll forget because they finally have each other…

So I guess it's time to say goodbye…

Farewell my only love…

Third person Omniscient POV

After writing this last thought Kurosaki Ichigo, Hero of the winter war lifted his blade and quickly stabbed it into his own heart. His body slid to the floor with a sickening thud, and blood began to pool around his body. All that was left of the once vibrant young man was an empty shell, quickly cooling and stiffening in the night air, a black journal beneath his left hand.

The Next Day

Kuchiki Rukia was enjoying her day off in Karakura town when she realized that something felt wrong. Seconds later she realized what it was; she couldn't feel Ichigo's reiatsu. A sick feeling began to spread in the pit of her stomach as she flash-stepped to her friend's house knowing that something had happened to the man.

Rukia's POV

Calm down! Maybe he's just out of town on vacation, or… or visiting somewhere… Or maybe he FINALLY learned to control his reiatsu.

Third Person

Rukia ran to the window that Ichigo always left unlocked for his shinigami friends, only to find it locked. She picked the lock and went in to find him. And when she did she began to scream.

Across town Renji heard the scream of horror, pain, and grief and started to run as fast as he could. When he arrived at the home of his friend he truly began to panic, when he found his lover he almost didn't see what was left of what was once his friend… almost didn't see. He almost missed the familiar thatch of orange hair surrounded by a deep pool of drying blood. But he did see, and he too felt the sweeping pain and the overwhelming shock of loss, and once again a cry of grief rent the air for all to hear.

Later, in Soul Society

All of the captains gathered in the hall as Yamamoto Sou-taicho made the announcement that Kurosaki Ichigo had committed suicide. Shock ran across the gathered faces. None of them could believe that the substitute would, or could, do such a thing.

"His body was discovered by Kuchiki Rukia, and Abarai Renji."

"What'cha talkin' 'bout suicide? Ichi is too strong to do some pussy thing like that!" Kenpachi shouted at the captain commander.

"Such a thing is unimaginable in one of Kurosaki's character." Captain Byakuya ventured in his quietly disturbed tone.

Only one captain remained silent, the shock of the news jarring his usual calm demeanor. After the shock, pain and a feeling of devastation began to rise within his very soul. Hiding the pain in his voice he voiced his concerns.

"What could possibly have caused Kurosaki to be driven to this?" Captain Hitsugaya Toshirou's quietly voiced question silenced the others.

The captain commander sighed deeply, "We do not know all of the reasons, the only clue as to his reason was this… it was found in his left hand. Please read the last entry, we believe that this was the final trigger for his actions." So saying he pulled a small black book from within his robes.

As Hitsugaya read aloud all of the captains began to realize just how much they had taken the young man's strength for granted. He was, after all, only twenty years old. Silence reigned supreme over the room when the young captain finished, broken only by the soft breathing of its' occupants. The silence was finally broken by captain Komamura's rumbling voice.

"I never would have suspected that the young man was in such pain. He never showed any of this when he was at the last meeting at the end of the war. This depth of emotion… I never… that the brash ryoka who once stormed sereitei was capable of this is… surprising."

All of the captains had to agree that he was correct.

"I saw him that morning, he seemed just fine…" Hitsugaya's quiet voice broke the silence once more. "I wonder who it was that he was so in love with."

"I never would have thought he was… well… gay, either." Soi Fon stumbled slightly over the word.

"What makes you say that he was Soi Fon taicho?" challenged Kenpachi.

"Oh it's so obvious," Captain Kurotsuchi stated. "Just read that part about being happy with her again."

"Well then, I guess we should start looking for his soul, we can ask him when we find him." Everyone stared at Captain Ukitake for a moment, and then they nodded their agreement.

"Very well, who will lead the search party?" Yamamoto asked and was startled when almost every hand went up. "Well then, Hitsugaya taicho, as the one who raised the questions you will go. Take four others with you from any squad."

The small taicho immediately flash-stepped to his rooms to begin packing, pondering his choices and mind reeling with the questions he intended to ask Ichigo when he found him.

This is my first fan-fic so please read and tell me what you think.