Author: Nebiru (ex-Kizune)
Pairing: Kyouraku/Ukitake – and, yes, this is yaoi, so beware.
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the arrangement of words.)
Summary: the consequences of a heavy heart, of drinking alcohol and of a silent starlit night.
Author's comments: This was originally written in my native language. But I had nothing to do at work (i.e. didn't want to do any work, so ignored it blissfully), so now I can share it with you. Thanks to anyone who will review this, your comments or critics will be appreciated. I have no beta, and it's been a while since I've written or translated fiction into English, so, please, be merciful.)
P.S. ShunUki is looooooooooove.)
This is unbearable! Completely unbearable!
I want to pull him near, to tear off his clothes, to claim him – the way he'd moan and writhe and beg for mercy, so that his knowing kind smile would finally vanish from his pale beautiful face. To grab his long hair and mercilessly scratch his tender skin. To fuck him into his bed – no, better - into his work table, where he is sitting right now, writing something fast in his report. To knock some sense into his head! Make him see, make him understand, make him feel… how bad I want him. Need him. How… shit.
I force myself to relax and unclench my fists. I take a cup of sake into hands, welcoming the burning taste on my tongue, and try not to stare at his fixed on the work look.
Damn it, Ukitake Juushirou, you are one of the cleverest and most intelligent men I have ever met during my long life. You are my friend, my partner, almost a brother – you know me like the back of your hand. But, God, I can't stop marveling at how blind you are. Perhaps, several years ago I still could have bragged about how good an actor I was, but then – then I got tired of this never-ending show, of too protracted games with cute women, meaningless flirting and fiery sex at night. Because even sex couldn't satiate my hunger.
With each year the desire to feel you, to touch you, to take you breaks more and more of the barriers I made myself. I thirst for you, I can't sleep, imagining how you bend under me, and only in those days, when you are sick, the hunger in my body is replaced with the fear of losing you. But you always get back on your feet, smiling and saying sorry for worrying everybody, and I long for you even more.
Two years ago I lost it – no, I didn't jump at you, I'm not an animal after all. But I began to patiently drop hints – at first through jokes – just said a word or two here or there – with time getting more serious, hiding myself behind the mask of a drunkard. I followed you everywhere, pestered you, didn't let you do any work. I took liberties – like embracing you a little bit firmly, pulling you closer when drunk, letting my head fall on your shoulder or hungrily clutching to your hand, acting as if I was utterly suffering from some girl's denial. Sometimes I pawed you so openly, completely ignoring your cute, outraged protests, that couldn't stop wondering why the hell you hadn't still grasped anything. But you always laughed, smacked me back with a book or a paper of documents, and looked at me with so mocking eyes, always considering all these acts for what they weren't, that the only thing left for me to do was to go away, licking my wounds in the sheer loneliness of my rooms.
- Kyouraku, isn't that enough for you? I thought we were going to open that bottle when I finish my report.
Ah, Juushirou, your voice… If only you knew how charming your voice is… It, surely, is for moans and sighs. God, how I want to hear it…
- Kyouraku? You there?
I blink, forcing the too lewd scene to crawl to the back of my mind, and salute Ukitake with a cup of sake, smiling impudently. He shakes his head and turns back to the papers, frowning when understands that has lost a thread of the narration. If I could have my way, I'd eat him. He is too cute when he frowns.
I should really let him finish this silly report, but I can't wait anymore, so I sit near him and put the second cup for sake right on the carefully stacked documents.
- Kyouraku! Don't you dare! Can't you see I haven't finished yet?
There is so much indignation in his voice – I can't help myself imagining how I lay him on the floor and shut his grumbling mouth up with a kiss. It's a pity though, that most probably I'll get a painful box on the ear in reply. I want him, but our friendship is important for me too.
- Ukitake! Let's get drunk already! I have been waiting for you for the whole two hours! Is it appropriate to make your guest wait for so long, huh?
He sighs, rolling his eyes.
- Well, if you put it like this, is it appropriate to burst into somebody's house without any warning? You should be grateful enough, that I'm letting you hide here from Nanao-chan.
He mutters something else under his breath, but I smile broadly, watching as Juushirou pushes the papers away. Yahoo! I win!
As the last document leaves the varnished surface of the table, I immediately fill Ukitake's cup. There was time once when I dreamed to get him completely drunk and have my dirty way with him, but when I finally got the plan into work, crawled on his defenseless body and began untying his obi, he suddenly sighed contentedly in his sleep, turned on his side and put his palm under his cheek, like a child, and I stilled involuntary. I called myself a fucking asshole, lay down near him and stayed that way for the rest of the night, realizing that I couldn't do something like that to him.
Since that day I, honestly, didn't attempt anything that foolish. Honestly!
We sit together, shoulder to shoulder, and I'm so comfortable, that I remain silent for too long. My thoughts are in disarray, sake pleasantly warms up my body, and suddenly I understand, how tired I have become throughout all these years.
- Shunsui… Did something happen?
I can't understand what he asks me, because I don't really want to leave the embrace of a persistent drowsiness, which caught me unaware. I open my eyes, and I'm surprised to find out that my head is resting on his knees, he strokes my hair, and I am lying on the floor. It's dark outside – perhaps, the late evening already. Whoa! When was the last time sake knocked me out like this? Yeah, it's true that I get drunk too often, but usually I know just the right amount I am able to drink without blacking out. To fall asleep like this…
- Everything's okay, - I croak with a sleepy voice, enjoying the tender touch. Ukitake thoughtfully fingers my wavy curls that came out from the tail. I am not in a hurry to get up – the last years taught me to savor greedily the bits of his attention.
- You are too silent today. You don't laugh, you don't joke. You even fell asleep without finishing the first bottle.
He smiles a little, pushing me in the shoulder in an indication that if I woke up already then I can kindly have mercy on his numb knees. I reluctantly sit back with a heavy sigh.
- Just… tired, - I tell him, rubbing my eyes, and Juushirou looks at me in astonishment.
- For God's sake, Shunsui, the war with Aizen was five years ago. It's peaceful in Seiretei as it has never been. All the accounts you leave to Nanao. What are you tired of? Of ten-minutes captain meetings with Yamamoto-sensei once in a month?
I shrug my shoulders and pour myself more sake. I feel sick, and my mood is definitely below the zero. Now I really want to drink myself to death. Nothing new, though. It's always like this after I am lucky enough to feel his touch – too hard to think that nothing will ever change. Sometimes it seems as if I'm falling into a black abyss, which I'll never be able to find the exit from. It sucks me dry – sucks out all the feelings and desires, leaving me with the hungry emptiness, eating up my soul.
Juushirou leans closer and puts his hand on my shoulder.
- You know you can always tell me…
There is so much care and worry in his voice, but, despite that, these wild words make me throw back my head and roar with laughter. God, what an irony! No matter how much I want it – I can't utter a single word about my feelings. Because I'm too afraid to lose him or… to see his sad smile like "sorry, Shunsui, nothing will ever be, you are just a friend, and this won't ever change". Amen.
He looks at me, clearly not understanding, and I'm laughing and laughing until the tears gather up in the eyes, and then I harshly grab half-empty bottle of sake from the table and throw it at the nearest wall. Fragments and drops fly in the air as in a slow motion.
- Well, what was that about? – the tone of his voice is cold, and I pull my hair, railing at myself for being a complete idiotic bastard. I am ruining everything with my own hands.
There is a lump in my throat, and next moment I am running outside – so as not to spit the floor of his cabinet with shit. I'm throwing up on some dwarf bonsais, and in the pauses between the nausea I laugh hoarsely from the sheer despair, bending on the edge of Ukitake's veranda. At some moment I feel that Juushirou sits beside me and leans close to push away some unruly curls from my face so that I wouldn't vomit on my own hair.
When my stomach finally calms down, I lean back – on the offered shoulder, and Ukitake cleans my face with a wet towel and gives me a glass of water. I breathe hard and almost lie on him, completely powerless.
- Sorry, seems like I killed some of your bonsais.
Juushirou sighs, suddenly embracing my shoulders, and smiles.
- More like you killed my appetite.
I laugh, and then we are silent, watching the starlit sky above our heads. When I see a falling star, I push Ukitake slightly in the ribs with an elbow and show him the star in the sky, each time commanding him to make a wish.
- Shunsui, - he laughs, - That's too many! I won't have a reason to live if all my desires will come true in no time.
I love the way he laughs, and it's so good to just sit there – with him - and think of completely nothing. To forget for a moment that he is not mine and that everything will soon be like usual. But that will be tomorrow… tomorrow... and right now…
- Make a wish, make a wish! – I tell him, - You won't regret it!
- Leave some for yourself, - answers Ukitake, and the smile leaves my lips.
- I did, - I whisper, - Countless times. But it didn't come true.
Perhaps, Juushirou feels the change of my mood, because the grip of his hands on my shoulders strengthens. I don't know how long we are sitting there, but slowly the wind rises, Ukitake lets me go and I get up. The night cold is bad for him and I really don't want his illness to gain the upper hand of his body. I take my kimono and my straw hat and we stop at the doorway to say farewells.
- Sorry for the mess, - I tell him guiltily.
- Kyouraku… may I ask… if it hadn't come true anyway… what did you wish for?
He doesn't look at me – but somewhere aside, a little bit embarrassed for asking such a personal question. He never pries into other's lives without an invitation, my Juu.
- Something utterly impossible! - I joke, put on my hat and turn to leave.
His "Wait!" catches me when I am ready to use shunpo. He makes three resolute steps forward, puts his hand on my chest and searches for my eyes, which I can't hide under the hat at such a distance.
He reddens a bit, while I watch him with a shocked face. Then a nervous laugh falls from my lips, I pull my hat lower and make a step back.
- Ukitake, if you think that I am able to continue our drinking bout in this state, then you are wrong.
I can't be here anymore, I turn away, but suddenly he grabs the edge of the collar of my kosode and pulls me back rather abruptly.
- Shunsui, you idiot, – he repeats feverishly, - Stay.
I stand still, bound by the wild fear, because next moment Juushirou is too close, taking my face into his hands and leaning forward for a kiss. For a second I can't breathe, and then a moan falls from my lips. I push him firmly into the wall with my body, one knee between his legs. I bite his lips, torment his mouth with my tongue, I clutch his shoulders, put my arm round his waist, grab his ass. My hat falls down on the ground, and the wind carries it away, but I don't fucking care. My hand wanders under his kosode, finds a nipple, and suddenly Juushirou is moaning – and, God – even in my sweetest dreams I couldn't imagine how beautiful that sound is.
I tear him away from the wall, not stopping the kiss, and somehow we stumble back inside – past his cabinet and into his bedroom – right on the made up futon. He is under me – and God, God, I'm happy. I'm drunk like I have never been.
- Shunsui… Shunsui… Ah… Wait, n-not so fast… - he whispers when I give him a second to breathe in some air, kissing along his neck. But I shut him up with a kiss, pressing him into the futon. I can't stop. I don't want to stop. Ever.
- Please, - I groan, and he embraces me, letting me be in charge, and says no more. I listen to his sighs and moans, and this enchanting music of his breath and body is the best music I have ever heard.
My willpower is crumbling, and it takes me a considerate amount of it not to take him just like this – without any preparation. I undress him and for a long time I indulge in kissing and caressing pale skin, feeling his reciprocal desire which makes me go mad. I take him and myself in the palm of my hand and desperately stroke us to completion. And then – I am drowning in pleasure and falling back onto sheets with such a stupid smile, that Juushirou bursts into laughter, pulling the blanket over our naked bodies. Before sleep seizes me I hear him whispering tenderly something like "Idiot man!" in my ear.
When I open my eyes in the morning – he is not there, and I, barely awake, sit up at once, terrified of the thought that it all was just a very realistic dream. Heart aches painfully and I don't even want to look around, when I whisper nowhere in a strained voice:
Silence is strangling me, but then Juushirou enters the room with a large folder of papers and smiles brightly.
- Awake already? – he asks. He is dressed in a white silk kimono, and there are love bites on his neck, which I do remember leaving yesterday there. And – finally - I sigh, relaxing.
- Yeah. Awake. Ah. Where were you?
- What do you mean where? – Juu puts the papers near the futon and crawls under the blanket right back into my arms – Finishing yesterday's report of course.
I throw my head back and laugh wildly, pulling him closer.
- Shunsui, don't tell me that you're going off into hysterics again.
- No, - I breathe out through the tears – No. It's just… I love you.
He kisses my cheek, comfortably lying on my chest, and I stroke his long beautiful hair, falling down my shoulders.
- Did I make your wish come true? – he caresses playfully the stubble on my chin.
- Yes, yes, you did, - I nod, – But why?
He leans closer, his lips ghost over mine and his whisper is making me tremble. I want him again.
- You've been pawing me about for far too long. And one day I realized that I… quite like that. And yesterday… I couldn't stand anymore that sad face of yours.
- You knew? – I am completely surprised, but he just smiles.
- Well, let's just say… I guessed finally, not right away of course. But when I did – I didn't know what to think. It took time to realize that the idea of you and me together doesn't scare me that much.
I kiss him. And then again and again. And again. He is so tasty. I think I need to kiss him once more.
- Shunsui, - he says, looking serious, - Just no more women, okay?
- Huh, but I am allowed to flirt at least, am I not? – I dare, and get several friendly punches in the ribs instead of an answer.
- Ah-ha, joking, just joking! – I laugh and snatch a moment to switch our positions and press him under me.
What women, Juu? – I want to scream. You are the only one for me.
My Ukitake Juushirou.
13.07.10 – w/n
23-24.08.10 – t/d