Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs, Ch4

"Okay, so our total military strength left on this planet is us four. The enemy strength is 50,000 orks," Marneus Calgar said to Dante, Grimnar and Mephiston, the last of whom was there for some fun, and to prove that hoard armies weren't as good as all that against him.

"Pity Tycho's not here, he loved ork-hunting, even had prefered enemy, ever since that weird-boy threw a vortex grenade at him," Dante said.

"What happened to him anyway?" Grimnar asked.

"He was killed off in the new edition, underwent the black rage on Armageddon. He has now joined the space dwarves in the 'edition killed us' box. He still has a model though, and you can use him. Somehow dieing made his rules about three times better as well..." Dante replied.

"Also, I thought the weird-boy used a psychic power on him. Wouldn't a vortex grenade suck him into the warp?"

"Ah, that... Well actually he did get sucked into the warp. He broke out two weeks later. Apparently the scar was from him fighting Tzeench, they spent a week at it and the only thing they did to each other was Tzeench hitting him with 'Infernal Gateway.' That's where he got the scar from."

"Isn't gateway fantasy?" Calgar pointed out.

"Yes, but shut up." Dante then coughed lightly. "Anyway, here is my plan. Mephiston, I want you to run out in front of the orks. If they actually have a brain, they'll run away. If they don't, then you kill them: simple."

"Mephiston vs 50,000 orks... seems like very unfair odds," Calgar said.

"Yeah, those poor orks..." Grimnar said.

Mephiston sighed, then walked over to the rise in the hill and looked over the edge. "You know, why don't we just drop some land raiders on them. It's not like they can damage them. Well apart from the nobs, and if I shout loudly from here they'll run over."

"We don't have an land raiders..." Calgar said.

"Well then why don't we drop you on them. Your ego's so big it should crush them," Mephiston replied.

"Says you."

"I may have a superiority complex so large that it has its own superiority complex, but that's because I actually am superior."

Calgar knew by now to just shut up. Dante and Grimnar were busily discussing what was the best way to kill an ork: Dante liked the sound made when you chopped one's head off with an axe, while Grimnar preferred slicing them in two down the middle with his axe.

"Okay, I'm going out now," Mephiston said.

"Okay, have fun," Dante replied.

Mephiston walked over the top of the ridge, only for all 50,000 orks to turn around and run at him...

"How on whichever planet we're on right now did you kill 50,000 orks by yourself in 15 minutes?" Calgar asked.

"52,956 actually, and with a sword."

"So what now?" Grimnar asked.

"Time to go home," Dante said as a stormraven flew down and he and Mephiston got on board. "Erm... sorry guys, this thing doesn't take terminator armour."

"But it does take jump packs?" Grimnar asked.

"Yeah, it's cool like that. Can't wait to actually see what the model looks like."

"Is that why we can't actually see it and there's just a big sign saying "TBA?" Calgar asked.

"Something like that... you know Calgar, not to be rude, but you're not being a self-centred **** today, and we haven't had any chances to take the piss out of Ultramarines yet either," Dante said, sounding curious.

"Oh, alright then. If the Ultramarines are not the most spectacularly magificent and amazing chapter, may the gods of chaos smight me down where I stand..."


A massive bird's foot stepped on Marneus, crushing him. Attached to the foot was a massive bird. "SQUARK! Oh sorry, forgot to check if there was anybody there."

"You're Tzeench aren't you. You wouldn't forget something like that!" Grimnar said loudly.

Tzeench smiled, or as much as one can when one has a beak, "Perhaps."

"Anyway, what're you doing here?" Mephiston asked.

"Oh Mephie, just the guy I was looking for. You see, when you went and bitch-slapped Khorne last chapter, you dropped this." Tzeench held out a magazine. On the front were pictures of battle sisters in rather skimpy armour.

Dante looked at Mephiston, "I hope you have a good expanation for this!"

"Yes actually, I do."

"Well what is it?"

"I was looking after it for Grimnar," Mephiston said, looking over at the space wolf.

"Is this true?" Dante asked Grimnar.

"What with all the alcohol I have, it might be," Grimnar scratched his head.

"Aqtuwy, ifts mine!" a voice said from under Tzeench's foot.

"Why do you have a copy of 'Sisters Sordidass?'" Dante asked.

Tzeench removed his foot, and Calgar looked up, "Well... um... Slaanesh lent it to me..."

"Oh yeah, I heard Slaanesh had got a new boy..." Tzeench said smirking.

"Oh f***," Dante said.

"That is precisely the right word," Tzeench said, before mysteriously disappearing in a puff of magic.

"Ah well. It's times like this that I have a drink," Grimnar said, pulling out four glasses of wine from nowhere and giving one to each of the other commanders.

"Well then, here's to us all!" Mephiston said raising his glass.

"To Blood!..." Dante began.

"...Wolves!..." Grimnar called out.

Calgar sighed and raised his glass, "... and Ultrasmurfs."

Blood, Wolves and Ultrasmurfs: Fin