00 - Birds and Bears - 00
A Persona 4 one-shot
During the writing of which, no bears were hurt.
Yosuke's pride, on the other hand...
*enter ominous Latin choirs*
"What's sex?" Teddie asked.
"Um," Yosuke said intelligently.
"What's sex?" Teddie insisted.
"Um," was Yosuke's answer.
"What is sex? You know. You do know, right? It's like," he took a deep breath, eyes widening, mouth slackening, and then, "Oh yesyesyesyes, ride me har-"
Which was when Yosuke's brain finally kicked into gear, with a most eloquent, "WHAAARGH," upon which he threw a panicked look around Junes, scanning for customers before grabbing Teddie by the arm and dragging him into the next hallway, just off the busiest section and out of the eyesight of most customers, and managing to push him against the wall ride in tune with Teddie saying, "eeeer-OONF."
In another situation, Yosuke might have appreciated the rhythm. He had a penchant for music, see.
"WHAT," Yosuke said, jabbing a finger into Teddie's chest (another empathetic 'oonf'), "IN THE WORLD," jab jab, "DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"
"Sex," Teddie proclaimed, rubbing his by now probably sore chest. He still managed to say that word in a way Nanako would use to say, 'ice cream!'.
Yosuke's eyebrow twitched. Okay, breathe in, breathe out. Count from 1 to 3. Count backwards. He could deal with this. "You're - my God. Is this really happening? Teddie, you are not having sex. And now, please, don't ever make these noises ever again, lest you fancy me getting grounded until I'm thirty."
Teddie perked up. "What? This isn't sex?" Teddie's crestfallen look looked a smidge of sanity away from heartbreaking. "But - then what is it?"
"It's." Full-stop. Another look around. Hey, actually, scanning the environment for intruders like this was something he'd daydreamed about once. Only he'd imagined that scenario more along the lines of shooting mafiosi with one-handed pistols with a Bond girl on each arm and not while giving pubescent cubs the birds and bees talk, but he disgressed.
Okay, back to the situation at hand. What would Souji say to this? Oh yeah right. Probably, "It's. Um. It feels. Nice. Yeah. Now can we stop talking about this?"
He winced as Teddie's face lit up like a radioactive Glow-Bug at his words. "Nice?"
"Um, yeah, I think, but -" And that, of course, was when Yosuke's thoughts came to a screeching halt. "Okay, first of all: who did you hear that from?"
Teddie's eyes were wide. "Hear what from?"
"You know," Yosuke pressed. "The," he took a deep breath, then released it with a low, "yesyesyes - wait a minute. You know full well what I'm talking about. So, who did you hear this from?"
"Your dad," Teddie proclaimed, with all the pride and joy of telling Yosuke he'd managed to steal yet another pair of topsicles out of the freezer. Or, more likely, a few more SP out of the stock of his sanity.
"Okay. I see - wait. What. What? My dad?"
"Yup," Teddie said. "He said that's what the people upstairs were doing when I heard these unbearable sounds. But he seemed kind of embarrassed, so I thought it was a bad thing." He smiled. "But since you said it felt nice, I'm glad. Can I try it?"
Yosuke was still in the middle of processing the first part of that statement (the neighbors were what?) before the meaning of the second part hit in and he managed a strangled, "What? He was - what? NO."
"But you said it was -"
"Not for bears," Yosuke said, throwing yet another cursory look around. His luck, and the rest of his friends would be rounding the corner right now.
"N-not for bears?" Teddie asked, and by god, it he had any ears right now, Yosuke was pretty sure they'd be drooping. Teddie caught his composure soon enough, though, slapping on another smile and asking, "So, what is it anyway? I know it can't be smooching, because smooching is already smooching, and it would make no sense if both sex and smooching were smooching."
"Well. I - guess I can't argue with that."
"Then what?" Teddie pressed.
Okay, so where exactly had that damn bear learned to be stubborn? Also, question: did Goho-M's work outside of freaky-ass dungeons as well?
Since he was short on that particular item in any case, "It's, um. What people do. A nice thing people do. People, not bears," he added hurriedly. "Yeah."
"Oh," Teddie trailed off, considering. "So, what does it feel like?"
Well, how was he going to explain that?
He'd heard from a buddy at school once it felt like putting your dick into a milk bottle filled with liver, but - well, that reminded him he still hadn't tried that - well, anyway, this was obviously not an appropriate answer to give, ever.
So Yosuke settled for, "Um."
"Yooosuke." Teddie was stomping the ground like a toddler, and rapidly approaching the vocal range of one, too. "Tell me. Tell me how sex feels."
Then Yosuke caught the look of a passing customer, ushered Teddie farther down the hallway, and squeaked - yes, squeaked - "Teddie, if you ever listen to any advice about the human world I ever give, make it this one: DON'T TALK ABOUT - "
He caught a look from a passing housewife -
" -SEyouknowhwhatdammit. In public," he finished. "And especially not customers at Junes, goddammit. My head's on the table here!"
Teddie stared at him in maddening innocence. "Why? You said it was nice. Why would these people be mad?"
Question: was it possible to drop dead from frustration-induced headaches?
In any case, "Because you - ACK. I mean we - I mean, as in humans - don't do that. Don't talk about this in public."
"Okay, okay. So," Teddie continued, "is sex being restless and agreeing with each other a lot? Because that's kind of what it sounded like to me. From when I heard that sex noise."
"Um." What was this, a life rope, so late in the game? Hell, "Yes. Yes, exactly. Smart bear. That's what it is exactly. Now can you go back into that costume and go to work or something and for the love of all that is holy never mention this to anyone again, ever?"
And Teddie seemed almost mollified, almost like he was just to let it go, until, of course, he said, with a perfectly straight face, "So does that mean you and Souji are having sex?"
And that's when Yosuke's brain sort of went skhdfjjdlsj.
"WHAT?" he screeched. "What is this, I don't even, no. No, no, no, no. I'M NOT. THIS ISN'T."
"But you said sex was agreeing with each other a lot. You and Souji always agree."
"WELL YES. I mean, NO. BUT. LOOK THIS ISN'T -"
"So you are having sex," Teddie said like a kid with a candy cone.
"NO, THIS ISN'T, I DON'T -"
"Ahhh. I get it now," Teddie said, smile spreading on his face. "Thank you, Yosuke. I can always count on you to explain things to me."
"BUT IT ISN'T -"
"It's okay," Teddie said sympathetically, skipping right over the capitalized Terror on Yosuke's face. "I understand."
"No. No, look, Teddie, you're not. I'm not -"
"Well, I should get back to work. That's what you always told me, to be punctual for work, right?"
"No. Well, yes. BUT -"
And then, at the end of that grueling day, Yosuke had thought it had ended, for a while.
Teddie didn't bring it up to him when he came home that night - ignored him, or rather cowered, since apparently bears did have some kind of tact - and not the next or the next. So for a while, Yosuke had actually entertained the thought that it might, in fact, really be over.
"Teddie says he wants to have sex with you," Souji said conversationally.
Yosuke's body snapped like a pocket knife in shock. "He WHAT?"
"Yeah," Souji said, looking up from his homework and giving Yosuke a lopsided smile. "That's what he said. 'Yosuke is always disagreeing with me - I wish I could have sex with him.'"
"Oh no," Yosuke said. Mortification, thy name is Yosuke Hanamura. "He did not."
"No. Look - I mean. LOOK. Souji, you can't believe this, okay? It's not like that, okay? Not at all. He's just got this, this - this weird thing where he thinks that - I-I mean sex - is agreeing with each other a lot, and it's not like that, I swear. Because. Because, no."
"You don't have to explain yourself," Souji said mildly, getting back to his notes, pushing his glasses up his nose. "It must be tough, I understand. What with Teddie not knowing our customs or culture, you're bound to get into awkward situations on occasion."
"That," Yosuke started in a defensive voice, noticed that Souji was making a lot of sense than anyone should be allowed to as usual, and finished with a lame, "is what I was gonna say. Totally. Customs and all that."
"Don't worry about it," Souji said, mild amusement perched atop his voice. "I get it." Then, with a small smirk: "He also said he was jealous I got to have sex with you so much."
"WHAT? Okay, okay. Remind me to kill him next time he corners me and asks me about sex in the middle of Junes. Because that. My reputation. I will never live this down."
"Well, how about - how about next time he asks something like that, just say, 'sex is what you do when you really, really like someone'. Maybe the best answer to this?" He shrugged. "I think that's kind of the default answer parents give nosy kids, anyway."
"Well, then he'd still be saying you and me were having sex," Yosuke grumbled, still pouting from the small jab.
Yosuke went on with a dramatic sigh, "Man, okay, whatever. Enough talking about this. Gives me the creeps. Let's finish homework, yeah?" A pause. "Wait. Wait, wait a second. What did I just say?"
Author's Notes: First P4 fic. I'm ridiculously in love with Yosuke right now, though (and Teddie. And Kanji. And Naoto. And gkdhjdj everyone? Yeah). Review if you want me to write more P4, kufufufufu. (Well, I probably will anyway. But did I sound threatening for just a sec there? *hopeful eyes*)
So yeah. I only finished the game about a week ago, and my mind is all P4 P4 P4 P4 P4 P4 OMG YOSUKE AND KANJI AND NAOTO AND YOSUKE AND OMG SO CUTE AND TEH GAY. But. You've probably all been through this. XD
So long, then~