Crocodile. Death by dehydration.
"Mr. 1... this water is bad. Get me real water."
"That is real water." Daz Bones said, confused.
"No. It's not." Crocodile growled, throwing the canteen to the ground and crushing the cheap, green plastic beneath his foot. "Now matter how much I drank my thirst didn't go away."
"Here." Daz Bones handed Crocodile his own canteen. Crocodile drank eagerly from the bottle, water dripping down the sides of his mouth. He growled in frustration, and threw the canteen away. His brows burrowed deep into his eyes.
"Nothing!" Crocodile shouted, stalking down the street, eyes scanning the many potential stores of the bustling port town. Daz Bones followed loyally. Crocodile was acting... strange.
"Here." Crocodile announced, strutting into a local bar. Crocodile shoved drunk smelly men aside, they turned to argue but Daz Bones was there to shut them up.
"Bartender, give me the best liquor you got." He threw a few gold coins on the table for incentive. The bartender grinned and served up a glass of dark purple drink. Crocodile drowned in one go, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He wasn't satisfied. "Shit."
"Crocodile-sama" Daz Bones stepped forth, taking the glass before Crocodile could break it. "What's wrong."
"I can't quench this thirst!" Crocodile shouted, slamming his fist on the bar counter. The light wood groaned in protest. "No matter how much I drink I keep getting thirstier and thirstier."
Daz Bones almost said something about karma. Almost.
Crocodile drank everything in that bar. All the beer, liquor, milk and water he could find. But his thirst never went away. Hell, he even trashed a hospital and tried drinking blood but that just made the whole thing worse.
He collapsed in the middle of town, beside the well he drunk dry. His whole body bloated with water and he was still thirsty. He was desperate. He was going to die if he couldn't quench this insane thirst.
Daz Bones walked up to him, a milkshake in hand. Wordlessly Crocodile took the shake, drank deeply and crushed the cup when it did nothing for him.
"Mr. 1... Tell Doflamingo... to go kiss Sengoku's ass. That he is the gayest fagot I ever had the displeasure of knowing. That I hate all the porno he wrote about me and him and then stuffed into the lockers of Marine recruits. And that... he is totally... my bitch."
With those last words Crocodile died a slow painful death of dehydration over the course of three days.
Onigumo. Death by fire.
It was not Vice-Admiral Onigumo's day.
First, he was sent to the New World.
Secondly, his ship was shipwrecked at the first island they visited and he was separated from the rest of his crew.
Thirdly, he was covered in strange, neon green kelp that stuck to his skin like glue.
Being an Vice-Admiral, he was in no hurry. Sure the island was teeming with powerful animal's that were equal in strength to him but it was no biggie.
He traversed the long beach, scratching at the green kelp that chafed against his skin uncomfortably. Eight hairy arms extended from his back, assisting his efforts. Despite all this, walking down the beach was almost peaceful, the sound of waves crashing against the shore, monster animal's howling in the forest.
"Dear god what is that!" Someone shouted!
Onigumo was so distracted by the itching kelp-that now burned- that he didn't even notice that he had stumbled upon his crew. But he was in so much pain he was that he couldn't properly tell them that it was him, their fearless leader. Instead a pained moan came out.
"Kill it with fire!" A marine shouted. Two marines came from below deck, packing a flamethrower.
Onigumo was burned alive, the kelp partially melded onto his skin. It was very painful.
It just wasn't his day.
"I thought it was kinda cute." Coby said dismally. Crying over the burned remains of the creature they killed. "I wanted to keep it as a pet. His name would have been Milkshakes."
Helmeppo shook his head. "Like the Captain would let you keep that horrendously hideous thing as a pet!"
Sakazuki. Death by falling, floral print potted plant.
Marineford's construction was going magnificently. Akainu strolled through the busy workers, supervising. Everywhere he went everyone was working so hard that they were terrified of their own efficiency. Those good moral people. Of course he made sure to give a few speeches about justice, and told a few stories of the pirates he defeated.
He turned his supervising efforts to the inside of the new building, picking his way through the scaffolding, humming songs to himself.
In actuality he was waiting to get his notice of promotion. Her heard the rumors of Sengoku retiring and after all his hard work during the Whitebeard War- he crushed a giant-ass ice cube to bits!- and killing 'Fire Fist' Ace he was the only natural choice after all.
A messenger boy looking like he peed his pants tripped on his own feet and fell spread eagle on the floor, right at Akainu's feet.
"Got my promotion notice boy?" Akainu said warmly, he was getting a promotion after all.
"Uh... n-no s-s-sir." The boy cried, wishing he could wither up and die like a weed drowned in poison. "But-but-but I have Akoji-sama's p-p-permotion notice and I-I need to g-get it to h-h-h-h-him right a-away."
And a pretty, pink pot with flower designs, and a bright yellow pansy growing inside fell from above, striking Akainu square on the head. Above the cry of horror of some poor worker resounded through the quiet construction site- everyone on their union milkshake break.
Akainu collapsed onto the traumatized boy, dead on the spot.
Marshall D. Teach. Death by choking on a piece of meat while shitting himself.
On a burning island in the New World...
"Oi! Captain!" Burgess shouted, pounding his fists on the bathroom door. "Hurry up! I need to peeeeee!"
"You don't have to announce it to the whole ship." Van Augur shook his head at his fellow crew mates immaturity.
"The captain is eating in the bathroom again!" The heavy muscle man paused, putting his ear up against the door. "Hey... I can't hear anything..."
"Break the door." Augur said, seeing no alternative.
Burgess Hulk smashed that door like no ones business and nearly pissed himself at the sight he beheld.
Their captain was hunch over, his pants down and tush on the toilet. The silhouette of a bone sticking out on either side of his neck.
"He's dead." Augur sighed, his face as stoic as ever.
"How the hell can you be so calm!" Burgess howled, grabbing Augur by his cape, and shaking him like a milkshake, cuz Augurs milkshake brings all the psycos to the yard.
"I'm not." Augur muttered. "This is my sad face."
"There's no difference!"
Catarina poked her head around the doorway. "So dose this mean I'm the captain now?"
Borsalino. Death by Milkshake poisoned by tomatoes.
"Because of the high construction costs to repairing Marineford there will be no more beer, rum or strong liquor! Instead, Milkshakes will be given in replacement." The young Marine commander quickly took his leave of the stage. Of all the replaceable Marine recruits out there they had to make him the one to give the bad news.
He was promptly ambushed an shoved head first into a toilet by his venting subordinates.
"Hey Milkshake guuuuy." Kizaru said, leaning over the counter of the Marine bar. "Give me one of those milkshaaaakes. Beer would be reeaaaaaaally nice but I guess it just wont happeeeeen."
The Marine bar tender shrugged and turned on the ancient Milkshake machine lasted used on Garp's 50th birthday bash. It was rusty and smelled like rotten tomatoes. The Marine did his best to clean it out but persistent black sludge tainted the steel mixers.
"Hurry it up pleeaaaaase." Kizaru whined. The Marine nodded, his knees shaking. It was freaking terrifying being so close to an Admiral. He ignored the sludge, mixing the milkshake inside a clear glass cup.
"H-h-h-here you are." He realized he forgot to say sir and bit his own tongue in his rush to add it.
"Much obliiiiiiiiiged." Kizaru chuckled, tossing a shinny new gold coin to the scared as piss Marine. The poor Marine was too worried about Kizaru noticing the black tomato sludge that the coin smacked him in the face.
Kizaru drank his milkshake, damned be it was delicious. He was just going to pay a visit to Aokiji and congratulate his fellow Admiral when his face broke out in hives. His throat swelled up and he couldn't breath. He stumbled in his step, dropping his milkshake. A Marine carrying a yellow pansy in a pink, flower print pot, turned around a near by corner, knocking into Kizaru and dropping his potted plant over the edge of the sudden drop-off.
Kizaru grabbed the front of his shirt, his lips the size of sausages. He gurgled a few intangible words and died.
The Marine screamed bloody murder.
"Marco's been a bit... weird lately..."
"Yeah! So you've noticed too!"
"I saw him holding a strange book... it had a horrible title. It was called the 'Death Note'."
"He disappears into his room for a long time, taking that book in with him. And then he comes out laughing! I asked him what was so funny and he asked why I asked that!"
Just then, Marco strolls by, whistling an upbeat tune. He turned to them, smiled and disappeared below deck.
"That book gives me the creeps."
Marco's revenge. Written while on pain killers that double as sleep aids. So thus epic randomness. Oh and Kizaru allergic to tomatoes FTW