Title: Square Peg Round Hole
Word Count: 2,577
Rating: M for adult themes and mild lemon
Summary: Random thoughts from a lonely boy trying hard
to "fit" in a world he feels he doesn't belong.
Occasionally, in this society, a person will risk everything to hide the fact that they have less than traditional desires. So afraid of losing acceptance; terrified of what others might think. I, Edward Cullen, hide within my own skin and pretend to be like everyone else.
Labor Day. Four days until I start at yet another new school. It seems like every year we have to move. Mom never really talks about it. I heard Dad tell Alice once that it's because of his job. But I know the truth. He's embarrassed. Fuck, I hate living a lie.
Forks High. It's smaller than the others. Everyone seems to know one another. Typical small town stuff. It's not going to last. I can already feel it. My class schedule is made up of the basics as well as Art, Drama and Weightlifting. Weight lifting? That must be a mistake.
Weightlifting becomes my guilty pleasure. Guys sweating. Adrenaline flowing. Blood pumping. I savor every second, often remaining on the equipment long after the others have gone. I need to regain my composure. Weightlifting is still very much a mistake.
A girl named Rosalie keeps looking at me. Every day at my locker- she's there. During lunch I catch her stealing glances. She looks away quickly, her cheeks reddened with blood. I'm not what she thinks. I look away and hope she does too. Why the fuck is the head cheerleader looking at me?
Alice talks me into going to the Halloween Dance. I don't have a date, but neither does she. She wears wings and tights. Tonight she's the fairy. She wraps a black cape around my neck. When I ask her who I'm supposed to be she says "Just be you." I'm not sure what she means.
Almost a week has passed and I'm still thinking about him. The one dressed as Robin Hood. The way his body moved. The way every inch of him oozed sexiness. My mouth waters and I imagine how delectable he might taste. Normally I am able to ignore such thoughts. It must have been the tights. Or the way the feather from his cap fell gently along the back of his neck. Or it could have been his tight little ass. Damn! Once again, I want something I cannot have.
He's in my Math class. Jasper. Sits way in the back. How could I have never noticed him? I try to think of a way to start a conversation when he approaches me on the way out of class. "Aren't you Alice's brother?" he asks. When I answer he just says "Sweet." What does that mean?
I smell the feast from my room. Mom brings me ginger ale. Alice offers crackers. Dad pats my shoulder before they all leave me to attend their dinner. Grandmother Platt never even bothers to come upstairs. So, once again, I fake sickness and miss a holiday just to avoid her closed minded comments. Instead, I spend the evening doodling his name.
She's still watching me. Rosalie. She tries to be inconspicuous, hiding what she is doing with her long hair as she passes me a note in English. But the teacher notices and intercepts before I am forced to read it. Why me? Lots of guys look at her. They all want her. Why would she want someone like me?
Rosalie invites me to escort her to her family's New Year's Eve party. A date with a girl. I will appear normal. Everyone will assume I'm just like them. I am well aware of the fact that she's not my type. But I consider the fact that he may be there and I say yes anyway. Why not?
It's Christmas morning. Alice comes to my room long before the sun even considers shining. She's too excited for early morning. I am exhausted. She runs to wake our parents. Only I know Dad has been awake for hours. The first gift I open is a copy of "Wicked", the Broadway score. If I wasn't certain my mother was in denial, I might assume she had a sense of humor.
Rosalie called to let me know what color she plans to wear. Purple. I smile at the irony. I wonder if I'm supposed to match my clothes to hers or just buy her some sort of flowers. Alice will know.
Alice and I go to the mall. She makes me try on clothes. She tells me what to buy. As I am looking at purple ties, I see him. He approaches and speaks to Alice. Of course he would. Before we leave he squeezes my shoulder. I steal one more glance as Alice and I leave the store. He catches me, so I wave. Did he just wink? I walk out of the mall confused.
Alice and I arrive at the party. I bring her a flower. A white rose. She smiles when she sees me. She takes my hand and leads me through the place. We spend much of the night with her friends. I don't really know them. I don't really care. I catch a glimpse of Jasper talking to my sister and that is where my focus stays. Just before midnight Rosalie pulls me into a large closet. Once we're alone, she kisses me. My eyes are squeezed tight and I see his face. I kiss back and it's nice, more than nice. My breath is heavy. There are hands on my chest. They move lower. I lean in for another kiss and it lands on a neck. I can feel the pulse. Blood rushing through. Can't think. Only want. One tiny nibble. That's all. What could it hurt?
"A fucking freak." That's what she called me. I could hear her shouting through the closed door as she moved through the crowd. Rosalie couldn't say anything I didn't already know. It was barely a nick. And she liked it at first. Her body said so…until I lost control. One red droplet on one white petal. It was too much. I spend the rest of the night in that closet, too humiliated to come out. I hear Alice call for me. I remain silent. Hours pass. Just when I think I am completely alone a hand squeezes my shoulder. Grasping the arm, I'm surprised to find it's not my sister's. My heart jumps. It's him. He helps me up. He wipes my tears with the pads of his thumbs. He tells me sometimes he cries, too. And that his sister can be a real bitch. His sister? Fuck! Then he walks me to the door where I find Alice waiting. His fingers brush softly against my shoulder blade. I leave wondering why he would be so nice to me.
Alice goes on and on about the boy at the party. "You know. The one I sent back in to find you." she says. I should have known. That explained it. He did it for my sister. What an idiot to think that someone like him could actually be interested in me.
After almost a week in my room with the curtains drawn, it's time to go back to school. The light cuts through my vision like razors as I make my way outside. I'd forgotten what it was like not to be acclimated. In Math class, I try not to look toward the back of the room. Seeing him would only make it worse. When the teacher calls roll I realize he's not there.
He's been gone an entire week. I see Rosalie in English. I want to ask if he's okay. Every time I move toward her, she looks away in disgust. Alice doesn't know anything. At least she finally stopped talking about him. The only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning...is the promise of weightlifting class.
Mono. That's what he says to Alice when she asks. He does look pale and tired. I wonder if he'd let me carry his books. But I never ask.
I bombed a pop quiz in AP Biology. It isn't that I didn't know the answers; I just can't get my head on straight. My mind constantly drifts to thoughts of him. I watch him around campus, his arm always thrown around the shoulders of a different girl. Never the same girl twice. And never anything more intimate. I can't help but smile as I wonder why.
Eleven days until the worst fucking holiday ever invented by a greeting card company. And to make it even worse, Rosalie Hale is throwing another party. I know I'm the last person she'd ever invite.
Alice is in the best mood our whole way home from school. That can only mean one thing. She got an invitation to the party.
She offers to take me "as her date". I decline. I know she's only offering out of pity. I can't think of anything worse than competing with my sister for the same guy.
God he looked SO good in Math class today. I got caught staring twice. The first time I looked away really fast but I know he noticed. The second time, he stared right back and licked his lips. I thought I was going to die! Although I know I'm probably making something out of nothing at all.
What a shitty day! I overslept, making both my sister and I late. Even though she said it was okay, I know Alice was pissed. I forgot my Bio project on the kitchen table. And all through English everyone was talking about the party. I head to my locker, anxious to end the day. Lying on the top is a folded piece of paper. Please come to the Valentine's Day Party. Everyone else will be wearing red. Let's wear blue." I look all around but I don't know who it's from. The possibility that it could be some sort of joke, or even worse from a girl crosses my mind. But even that isn't enough to stop me from going.
It's Friday the Fucking 13th. I know most people dislike this day. But me, I rather like it. I am someone who expects the worst every day. So on a day on which others expect the worst, I appreciate the routine. Actually, it is my lucky day. The men's store at the mall is having a big Friday the 13th sale.
I run my fingers through my hair as I look at myself in the mirror. I was careful to follow the directions on the card, wearing a powder blue shirt and dark wash button fly jeans. Although, I am certain it's all some big joke. Alice said it's exciting and romantic. She thinks I have a secret admirer. As I walk into the same house I'd last left in tears, I sure hope she's right. The room is full of people dressed in red and pink and lavender. I follow Alice to the kitchen where I see Rosalie. She is wearing a pink dress and a look of shock once she sees me. Her eyes moved in the direction of the closet and her hand slowly moves to her neck. Just as I'm ready to bolt for the door a hand clasps my shoulder and a familiar voice says "Hey there!" It's him. But he's wearing a red shirt. And grey pants. Now I really want to leave, but I know I have to wait for Alice. Once I am sure nobody is watching, I move to the place I can be alone in my own agony: the dreaded closet.
I wake with a smile. I cannot believe the night I had. One minute I'm sitting alone, feeling like an idiot, trying to keep from crying. I was in head to toe blue feeling like the brunt of the world's worst joke. And the next minute I'm joined by the most perfect creature and he is more than happy to kiss away my tears. When I finally open my eyes Jasperis standing before me wearing nothing but blue silk boxers. And based on the bulge I cannot stop staring at, he's as excited as am. Before I can say a word his lips press against mine and it feels as fucking good as I'd imagined. I'd kissed girls before...though each only once. But never had I experienced anything like this. It is the first time I've ever made out with a guy and I don't want it to end. My heart races, my blood rushes, my breaths become labored and I'm so fucking hard. All I can think about is that I just need to keep going...whatever that may mean. Just. Don't. Stop.
I cannot wait to get to school. I got up before my alarm went off. My parents were shocked to find me finishing my breakfast as they were coming downstairs. "Who is this kid?" they ask. "Oh, he's just a boy in love." Alice chimes in. She's being cool about it. She told me she had a feeling. I'm not sure if she means about him or about me. I'd never confessed to anyone about my most private thoughts...desires. Not until that night...with him. Unsure how to act when I see him at school, I go with discreet. Apparently it's the right choice because it's the one Jasper goes with too. But when we are alone for a moment outside right after first bell, he kisses me...hard. I feel my face go warm and he comments on how cute I am when I blush...which only makes me turn even redder. He asks if I'd ever been with a guy before the party. Embarrassed that he must have been able to tell, I admit my lack of experience. His breath presses warm against my ear, "God I haven't been able to stop thinking about your hands on my cock. And, damn! When you bit me I thought I'd fucking die! It's all I've thought about since Saturday night." I immediately harden, remembering the moment myself. There's no way my actions could have compared to his...the way he gently slid the tip of his tongue the full length of my shaft just before tightening his lips and sending me right over the fucking edge. "So, I'm your first?" He asks. He's so damn cute looking up at me. I nod and he grins the sexiest fucking grin. "Well, I hope you weren't disappointed, because I don't plan on giving you up any time soon." I shake my head "no" and try to explain. "Nobody but you even knows...what I...that I..."He nods, holding a finger to his lips as he opens the door to the school. Then, he casually throws his arm around my shoulders like guys sometimes do and laughs before leaning in to whisper "Babe, you do realize that when you finally chose to come out...it was inside a closet."