Summary: House convinces Wilson to play "Houseopoly," a monopoly game based on his life. Slash at the end because I couldn't resist. It's cute. Set post season six.
A/N: I honestly have no idea if there's a "House M.D." version of Monopoly in existence (if there isn't there should be), so if there is and I copied any properties or anything, sorry I came up with them by myself.
Disclaimer: I do not own House, Wilson, or Monopoly. Well, I mean I own the game Monopoly even though some pieces are missing, but I didn't create the game and I don't own the company that makes the game...you get the idea.
Wilson looked up at the sound of his office door opening. As there had been no knock preceding this, he was unsurprised to see House; what he was surprised to see was that his friend was carrying a long rectangular box under his left arm.
"Whatever you're doing can wait till later," House announced. He plopped the box down on Wilson's desk on top of his paperwork. "We're playing Houseopoly."
The oncologist gave his friend a blank stare. "Houseopoly?"
"Houseopoly," he confirmed, seating himself in the patient chair across from Wilson. "It's exactly like Monopoly, except it revolves around my life."
"Why does it not surprise me that you've reached a level of narcissism such that you've decided to name a board game after yourself?" Wilson asked, rubbing his temples.
House grinned. "So, you in or not?"
Wilson sighed. "All right. You've piqued my curiosity. Let's do this."
"Fantastic," House said, opening the box. He pulled out a cardboard game board with a bunch of colourful rectangles, labeled with names of places that represented House's life.
"The Clinic is Jail?" Wilson asked with a laugh.
"You're finally beginning to understand how I operate, Wilson," the diagnostician responded with a smirk. "So what piece do you want to be?" he asked, holding out six bits of metal. "Motorcycle's mine, but you can choose from the cane, the thinking ball, the dry erase marker, the bottle of Vicodin–"
"–I'll just take the stethoscope, thanks," Wilson replied, plucking the tiny piece from his friend's hand and placing it on Go.
House rolled his eyes, put the motorcycle next to the stethoscope, and handed Wilson the money. "You be banker. $1500 each. I'll manage the properties."
He pulled out the property cards and placed them on the desk next to the board, then grabbed the Chance and Community Chest cards and put them in their rightful spots. He rolled the dice to determine who would go first, but Wilson got the higher roll.
"All right," Wilson said with a smile, rolling again. "Eight. 'The Morgue.' All right, I'll buy it." He exchanged his own money with some of the bank's money and House handed him the appropriate property card.
House rolled a seven and picked up a chance card. "'Wilson is dating a bitch. You're jealous, pay $10.'"
"It doesn't say that!" Wilson said, glaring.
"Wilson, I wrote it," House pointed out, placing $10 in the centre of the board. "Of course that's what it says."
Wilson gave a heavy sigh and picked up the dice again. He landed on the first utility space, which in this case was The White Board, and bought it. House landed on and purchased the E.R., Wilson landed on Community Chest. "'Get caught napping in the clinic. Pay $50.' Cute, House. How much time did you spend making this when you should have been working?"
"You know what I get like when I'm bored," House pointed out, taking the dice. He rolled a nine and bought The Cafeteria before handing them back to Wilson. The younger man got lucky enough to land on Handicapped Parking and was able to take back his $50, plus the $10 House had put in there for his chance card. House landed on an Elevator, AKA a railroad, and purchased it.
"Twenty-two bucks," House said a few minutes later, holding his hand out to Wilson.
"I landed in my office!" Wilson argued indignantly. "I shouldn't have to pay rent for my own office."
"You should have thought about that before letting me buy it before you," the older man pointed out with a smile. He moved his outstretched hand closer to Wilson. "Twenty-two bucks. Gimme."
Wilson handed the money over with an eye-roll, but brightened when House was forced to pay Malpractice Insurance (Luxury Tax) on his next turn. House bought his own apartment, Wilson bought his Volvo (another railroad) and the Hospital Roof, which he soon traded to House for a Patient Room. Then he landed on Community Chest again. The card read 'You're a cripple, there's no way you can walk that fast. Go back three spaces,' which was creative, albeit a bit depressing.
The properties slowly began to disappear, House and Wilson bartered with one another over them, Wilson laughed when House had to go directly to The Clinic without passing Go or collecting $200, House got back at him by purchasing a hotel in the property where his office was. They got into a heated argument because House refused to give up The Jogging Park even though Wilson owned the Hospital Entrance and Cuddy's Office and he needed the third property to erect houses.
"What do you need with The Jogging Park?" Wilson demanded. "You can't run."
"There's a card in here somewhere that says 'The ketamine fixed your leg, go to The Jogging Park.'" House argued. "If I pick it I don't want to have to pay for my run."
Wilson didn't want to argue with that, so he grudgingly gave up his two orange properties in exchange for The ICU and The Balcony between their offices.
With only two people to split streets between, they were pretty evenly matched, and Wilson enjoyed when one of them got the Chance or Community Chest cards the most. He laughed out loud when he got one that said, 'Cuddy doesn't notice you ogling her breasts, collect $20,' and he paid up when he broke the MRI machine. House, somehow, seemed mostly to pick cards that simply directed him around the board rather than causing him to pay money, such as 'There's a weird-shaped blob on the film that may or may not be cancer, go to Wilson's Office for a consult,' though Wilson rejoiced when an emergency surgery sent him to an O.R. and he was forced to pay up for the houses Wilson had bought there. He was actually a bit touched when he picked up a card that said, 'Wilson's being an idiot and donating half his liver to his jerk of a friend. Go to the Observation Gallery to watch the surgery,' though when House got one saying, 'Wilson loaned you $100 because he's a doormat, collect $100 from each player,' he was a bit annoyed.
House got mad at Wilson for buying the last hotel and "wasting" it on Cuddy's Office, but Wilson knew it was just because the Diagnostic Room had four houses on it and he wanted to even it up with his office next door. They passed money around for awhile, but House had landed on Handicapped Parking with a large sum there and Wilson was slowly losing. He was nearing the expensive side of the board again and if he landed on one of House's properties he would have to sell some of his own.
To his relief, though, he landed on the Chance space instead. He picked up the little card and opened his mouth to read it out loud, but paused when his brain registered the message.
'Your best friend is in love with you. If you're not in love with him, proceed home and fuck your girlfriend. If you are, advance to his office and kiss him instead of paying rent.'
Wilson stared at the card. Did House know he would pick it? Did he...mean it? Wilson suddenly became aware of his heart's quickening rhythm in his chest. Why would House write a card like that if he didn't hope Wilson would pick it and...actually follow the instructions? Unless he assumed whichever of them picked the card would just go to their place; both House's Apartment and Wilson's Condo were on there...but it didn't just say that, it said 'fuck your girlfriend.' Sounding...bitter. And the very first Chance card House had picked had been about his jealousy over Sam. Was it really that kind of jealousy? Was House really...in love with him?
He glanced down at the board. His condo, which had no houses on it because he'd had to sell them, was twelve spaces away. House's Office, with a gleaming red hotel, was a bit further...
"Wilson," House said, snapping his fingers in the younger man's face. "It's a Chance card. It carries instructions. And I wrote them, so I know it doesn't say 'Stare off into space like an idiot.'"
"Right," Wilson mumbled, putting the card down, face-down, on the desk. He picked up his stethoscope piece and moved it, one square at a time, down the board. When he got to the condo property he paused for a couple of seconds...what if it was a joke? What if he followed the card's instructions and House freaked out? Would Wilson be able to convince him he was joking too? Yes, he'd secretly yearned for his best friend for months, possibly years, but how could he know if the diagnostician felt the same way? The only way was to...take a chance. Wilson smiled at the accidental double entendre, and then picked the piece back up and moved it down to the boardwalk, House's Office.
"Awesome," House said. "Now I know why you hesitated. That's two-thousand big ones, Wilson, pay up."
"Okay," Wilson agreed, slowly rising from his chair. He walked around the desk, House's eyes locked on his, and sat down in the patient chair next to his best friend. He almost waited for House to ask what he was doing as he began to lean forward, but House knew, of course he knew, hopefully that had been his plan all along...
It seemed to take an eternity to reach him. Wilson could feel the blood pumping through his veins with every heartbeat; he didn't think he'd ever been this physically wound up from a board game before. At last their lips met, Wilson's pressing softly against House's. House, almost hesitantly, pressed back after a second, and Wilson felt his pulse start to race at the sensation. He pulled back a moment later, looking at House for clarity.
"You're an idiot," the older man said and Wilson felt his heart plummet into his stomach before he heard the rest of the sentence, "if you think that was sufficient for two grand rent." And before Wilson knew what was happening, House's lips were on his again, but not just his lips...a hand was on the side of his neck, he found his mouth being coaxed open as a tongue slid inside. His heart raced and his mind spun as his best friend kissed him, kissed him with an intensity he would never have thought possible...When House made to pull away Wilson's lips followed his, not quite ready for it to end. He heard a slight chuckle but didn't care because House was kissing him and that was the only thing in the universe that mattered.
Eventually a need for oxygen forced them apart, but not too far. House had a small smile on his face. "All right," he agreed. "For that, I guess I can let the rent slide."
Wilson smirked at him, reached a hand up to touch his face, and House closed his eyes at the contact. It was another second before he seemed to snap back to reality, opening his eyes and giving his head a small shake. "My turn," he said, grabbing the dice from the desk. But Wilson interrupted his roll by taking one of the green houses from Mediterranean Avenue, or House's Apartment, and moving it to The Condo.
"Hey!" House objected with an indignant glare. "That's mine."
"Yeah," Wilson whispered with a smile. "Still yours. I've decided to make you a co-owner of this property. Rent free."
House raised his eyebrows at Wilson. "Thought there already was a co-owner," he pointed out, tone light but eyes serious.
"No," Wilson said, the smile playing around his lips. "She was just...renting awhile. But as of five minutes ago her lease expired."
House looked down at the game board again. Putting the dice down, he picked up the three houses he owned on the space marked 'Cuddy's House,' and slid them over to The Condo. He picked up the yellow property card from his pile and put it next to the bank's money. "I've decided I don't want this property anymore," he told Wilson seriously. "I'd like to sell it."
"You're..." Wilson started, glancing down at the board. "...you're gonna have to sell the houses you own on The Lab and my office property; you can't have them unless you own the whole street."
"Lab, fine, but the other one...I need the property there," House argued, eyes locked with Wilson's, face serious as ever.
"The, uh, the second utility is my couch," Wilson reminded him, pointing to the property card in House's pile. "That you can keep."
House inspected the utility card. "Okay," he agreed eventually. He moved the four houses on Wilson's Office down to The Condo, crowding it.
"It's your turn," Wilson reminded, picking up the dice and touching House's hand when he handed them to him.
He dropped them on the board without looking at them.
"Five," the younger man said with a glance. "That puts you at...Cuddy's Office. Are you gonna move?"
House sighed. "Guess I'd better. Seeing as how I'm a co-owner of The Condo now. She'll want to know what happened to the property I owned at her place." He started to get up. Wilson nodded, watching him go.
"House," he said just before he reached the door. He turned.
"Even though you...don't own the property here anymore...you should still come back later."
"You going to charge me rent?" House asked.
Wilson smirked. "Yes," he said. "Not monetary rent, but yes."
House gave a smirk in return. "Maybe I should pay in advance," he suggested, crossing the office again to meet Wilson.
"While I agree that's a good idea, I might end up charging you double," Wilson warned. "Now and later."
House's smile was warm, and it reached his eyes when they met Wilson's. "I think I can handle that."