Yeah, I know, I'm supposed to be writing iBreak a Promise, but I couldn't get this idea out of my head after laughing at comments from anti-Twilighters on MLIT! By the way, this is in NO way a copy of the awesome author Gabsikle's story Sam's List of Guys Better Than Edward Cullen, which is also an awesome story! There's a lot of differences. I focus on all guys in Twilight, mine is a oneshot, and these are the reasons why Freddie is better, not just a list of guys that are better.
Hope you like it!
Reasons Why Freddie Benson Is Better Than All Guys From Twilight
If you haven't guessed who's writing this by now, then go get a life, you idiot. You obviously haven't noticed that I've been dating the dork for almost a year now.
My friend Wendy is completely obsessed with the Twilight Saga and she forced me to read it (Carly too). Carly and I both think that Edward Cullen is a complete jerk, and none of the other guys are that great either. I've realized that I'm extremely lucky because my boyfriend is better than all of those meatheads. Proof? I've got plenty.
Reason #1: Freddie Benson's body temperature is completely normal.
Unlike Edward (and the rest of the creepy Cullen family), he's not freezing cold whenever I touch him, which is good because personally I prefer not to feel like I'm touching an ice cube. Unlike Jacob, Freddie's skin doesn't burn me when I touch it, which is also good. Who wants to get burnt whenever they touch their boyfriend? Not me.
Reason #2: Freddie Benson doesn't want to suck my blood.
I could not be around a guy all the time while knowing the entire time that he wanted to lunge at me and suck my blood all the time. I definitely couldn't kiss a guy while knowing his throat was on fire with WANT FOR MY BLOOD. That's just…creepy. Now, if he actually had fangs, it would be a lot hotter. But with normal, human teeth? That's kind of like cannibalism, you know what I mean?
Reason #3: Freddie Benson doesn't want to control who I hang out with.
In case you don't remember, in the books, the Cullens wanted Bella to stay away from Jacob and other werewolves. It wasn't just Edward. Plus, Jacob wanted Bella to ditch the Cullens for good. That's just….annoying, controlling, stupid. Even if I wanted to hang out with someone that Freddork hated, he wouldn't object. Or try to control me, not that he ever could. I'd beat him up. Ooh…that brings me to Reason 4…
Reason #4: I can beat up on Freddie Benson.
Those freaky vampire-ish things in Twilight, along with the werewolves, are all creepy strong, fast and aggressive. A lot like me…but I'm not supernaturally strong, fast OR aggressive. Which means that (*sniff*) I couldn't beat them up. I prefer to be with guys that I can beat up on and let me beat them up. Such as my boyfriend, Freddie Benson. He doesn't even care when I punch him or kick him or whatever. I guess he's gotten used to it, but whatever…he's much better than any of those 'guys'.
Reason #5: Freddie Benson cares more about me than most, if not all, of those guys care about their girlfriends.
As I've clearly stated before, Edward wanted to control Bella's life. Dr. Cullen's a pretty okay guy but…he controls pretty much all of their lives, too. Emmett enjoys annoying his wife to death (and she's a brat, anyway). Jacob stalks his 'future wife' like a pedophile. Jasper tries to kill his wife's best friend because she gets a paper cut. That Mike kid (yes, I know he's human) asks out his girlfriend's good friend. And what's his name, Mr. Head Werewolf….Sam, yeah, that guy. He acts like he's all in love with Emily after he clawed off her face. Not to mention he was just in love with another woman! Yeah, great guys.
Reason #6: Freddie Benson is not a pedophile nor does he support the art of being a pedophile (pedophilism?)
Do you really need me to tell you? Jacob and Renesmee? That's just…creepy. I know what you guys are saying, "He'll wait for her, he's just being a big brother until she grows up," but it's still really creepy. It's like…Carly falling in love with me and the dork's kid. Or Gibby falling in love with me and the dork's kid. *shudders* Ew….the mental pictures. And Bella is totally okay with it! Now, I admit, Eddie there is a little PO'ed but even he comes to support it! EW!
Reason #7: Freddie Benson is only a few months older than me, and he will continue to get old with me.
Does anyone else find it even a little bit creepy that Edward is actually over one hundred years older than Bella? Because I sure do. All of the Twilight pairings have a creepy distance between them. Alice and Jasper is something like 30-40 years, I think. Emmett and Rosalie is a big one too, so is Carlisle and Esme. These pairings make the Jacob/ Renesmee relationship seem perfectly normal. Ugh. Also, staying the same age forever would get annoying…plus Twilight encourages teen marriage/ pregnancy considering Bella and Edward are 'supposedly' eighteen and seventeen respectively. That's just…creepy.
Reason #8: Freddie Benson has friends outside of his family and girlfriend.
Ever noticed how in the Twilight series the Cullens only hang out with themselves on normal days? Okay, I'll admit they have some friends, but they never see them and all of them live out of state or whatever. They never actually hang out with others on a regular basis! Jacob only hangs out with his pack and sometimes the Cullens, though they aren't really friends (other than Jacob/ Bella friendship). Freddie has many other friends including Carly, Gibby, Shane, AV Club peeps, even a couple of jocks ever since that techy guy got buff!
Reason #9: Freddie Benson isn't a creeper.
Okay, you guys gotta admit that it's kinda creepy to have someone watching you while you sleep, even if that someone is the guy you like (remember, Edward and Bella weren't even going out when he watched her sleep). It's even creepier that she didn't even KNOW he was watching her sleep. What makes it reach maximum creep factor is that she TALKS in her sleep (and about him sometimes too! What the heck?). Freddie would never do something as creepy as that. Also, Freddie doesn't creep people out by glaring at them before he even talks to them or never talking to anyone but his family. That's also creepy…
Reason #10 (and possibly *probably* the most important reason): Freddie Benson puts up with me.
Now, this may seem kind of obvious considering that Freddie is my boyfriend, but I swear to you that if I met those wimpy vampires and 'werewolf-shapeshifter' things then I would drive them to the point of insanity within an hour. Have you ever noticed that all the Twilight girls are seemingly perfect? There's Bella, the cliché no flaw Mary Sue, Alice, whose only flaw is being too hyper and a bit bossy, Rosalie, who's selfish but that's okay because she's pretty, girly and had a rough past, Esme, who can't do a thing wrong except be too motherly, Renee, the amazing, caring but not too overbearing mother, Jessica, the girly, funny one, Angela, that smart chick….no bossy, aggressive tomboy anywhere in there, is there? Hm…has to make you think. Freddie has to be pretty awesome to put up with me, right?
So, that's my list of reasons why Fredward Benson is better than any of those freaky vampires or shape-shifter dogs. Hope you came to your senses after reading this and realized that Twilight is a big piece of crap.
Sam Joy Puckett
Sam, I had no idea you could write like this! This was your best work yet, well-organized, convincing, persuasive, just overall great. The only reason I took some points off was because of the use of words such as 'crap' and the overuse of the word 'creepy'. Otherwise terrific!
"Why are you so happy, Sam?" Freddie wondered, eyeing the bouncing girl.
Jumping up and down with pure joy, she handed the essay to her boyfriend. "Frednub! Check it out, I got an A!"
"What did you write about….oh." He read the essay quickly, then handed it back to her, his eyes bulging out of their sockets. "Sam, I didn't know you could write."
She crossed her arms. "Benson, they teach everyone to write in the first grade."
"No," He rolled his eyes. "Actually write good enough to earn an A from a teacher."
"You doubting me?" Sam questioned.
Freddie shook his head, smiling. "Sam, you never fail to surprise me." And with that, he took her into his arms and kissed her.
When he pulled away, he whispered, "By the way, I'm glad that you think I'm better than Edward Cullen. Flattered, actually. Shane's been complaining all day about Wendy's obsession with the freaky guy."
Hope you liked it! I've just been wondering how the guys being compared to Eddie Cullen feel, so I wrote this. I think Freddie is A LOT better than Edward Cullen. No offense to Edward lovers, this is just a humor fic.
If you like it, review! I might write a sequel... 10 Reasons Why Sam Puckett Is Better Than All Girls From Twilight...if you guys like it, that is.