Authors notes - I felt like taking a break from the interviews (for now) to write this. I hope you all enjoy it. Also, it's pure insanity with no plot, so if you're not into that sort of thing then it's best that you walk away now before you're embroiled in the mindless antics of my fanfic. ^^ Also, visit my site, The Unofficial Slayers Funny Site at

Disclaimer - I don't own Slayers, no I do not. Wish I did though. Bummer how life works, eh?

A Bold Attempt to Selfishly Control Everything (Slayers)

Me: Alrighty, due to a strange, mysterious, and totally magical miracle, I now have the power to control everything in the universe!

Everybody alive: Grooooooaaaaaaan

Me: Hm, shouldn't you all be happy for me?

Everybody alive: YAY!!!

Me: That's better! Now then, let's go have some fun in one of my most favorite places, the Slayers world!

Little boy: But that's just a cartoon, it doesn't exist!

Me: Now it does!

*Suddenly the world turns 2D and everything is animated*

Me: See?

Little boy: Cooooooool!

Me: Now for a little bit of fun! Hm, I've always wanted to hang out with Lina.

*Suddenly Lina pops out of nowhere*

Lina: Nani?

Me: (Continuing the last sentence) Who speaks English!

Lina: What the @#$%?!

Me: Hiya Lina!

Lina: Who the @#$% are you? What the @#$% is going on here? @#$% I was just eating! Aw $%^& this ^%&* sucks!

Me: Ah, language, we gotta get rid of that.

Lina: Why, what ever would I be doing here? And who might you be? Why am I talking like this?

Me: I'm Merc, and I control everything in the universe!

Lina: Do you now? Well that is ever so bad, for I was eating the most dilectible meal when you transported me here. You're from the monster world, aren't you?

Me: Nope! I'm from REALITY *dun**dun**dun!*

Lina: Oh, that explains ever so much.

Me: Ok, this is getting annoying, just talk like normal, only minus the cusswords.


Me: This is getting boring, let's have some REAL fun now. Amelia, Zelgadiss, Gourry, Filia, Naga, and Xellos come on over! Oh yeah, and you all speak English! Bwahahaha!

*Suddenly everybody mentioned appears out of nowhere*

Amelia: Oh my...

Zelgadiss: ...


Naga: Ohohohohoho! Where has the lovely Naga been brought this time?

Gourry: So THAT'S where you went Lina!

Xellos: Hey there Lina...

Lina: ACK!!!


Lina: Take everybody back this instant you butthole!

Me: Don't cross me Lina Inverse, you can't hurt me here.

*Suddenly Lina's suspended by her toes above a volcano.*

Gourry: LINA!!!


Me: Not 'till you apologize.

Lina: NEVER!!!

Amelia: Please let her down, it's unjust to leave one hanging by their toes above a volcano like that.

Me: Amelia, you're just like Xellos.

Amelia: What's that supposed to mean...never mind, for THAT is a secret! I will now to horrible torturous acts and woo many women!

Me: Er...scrap that, you're just evil.


Filia: Ack! No more Xellos'!

Me: Ah but Filia, don't you want to have kids with Xellos?

Filia: Whaaaaaaaaaat? With that NAMA-oh Xellos, father my children!

Xellos: ACK!!! *attempts to teleport away*

Me: Nuh-uh! *Drags Xellos, kicking and screaming, back* I know what to do with you...

*Suddenly Xellos is frolicing happily through a field of marigolds with happy singing bunnies and a smiling sun*

Xellos: Frolic frolic frolic...

*Filia starts to chase after Xellos as he happily frolics around*


Xellos: I'm so happy, I might, dare I say it? FROLIC MORE!!! Wheeeeeeeeee!

Amelia: NO!!! You musn't frolic! *Trips Xellos* You must be evil and do evil things! eeeeeeeeeviiiiiiiiiiiil! Bwahahaha!

Lina: HELLO?!?! Aren't you forgetting about me here?

Me: Nope

Gourry: Let her down now! *Draws out Sword of Light*

Me: Gourry, don't you want to go make out with Naga?

Naga: Ohohohoho no!

Me: Naga, your voice sounds so angelic!

*Suddenly Naga's voice sounds really pretty and Gourry starts making out with her*


Gourry: Mph mph mph mph! *Translation - in a minute!*

*Zelgadiss just sits in a corner, drinking coffee and minding his own business as he watches the chaos around him.*

Me: Wow Zelgadiss, I forgot all about you. Hm, what to do with you. I know! *Gets real evil glint in her eye* Don't you just wanna talk all day about everything with everybody?

Zelgadiss: ...So then she says to me, "Don't be so unjust Mr. Zelgadiss and I'm all like, whatever, and she's all like, yeah, ya know, and dude, I mean, come ON, I mean, like, totally, like, don't you get what I'm saying, yeah and then REZO, geez what an #$%, anywho, he gets all spazzy like he's got PMS or whatever and turns me into THIS, I mean, what the @#$% is THIS?! THAT @#$%^&! I mean, argh, it's so not fair, I hate my life, I wanna commit suicide, I wanna live, I don't know what I want, argh, where the &*$% is my cure? There had BETTER be a cure, because if there isn't, oh ho if there isn't...

Amelia: *Kicks Xellos after tripping him, then goes to tickle Lina as she's suspended form mid-air, then throws water on a spazzing Filia, followed by pounding Gourry and Naga over their heads with rocks as they make out.* More EVIL! Must have more EVIL! Evilevilevilevilevil! BWAHAHAHA!!! Let the evilness ENSUE!

Lina: *Can't stop laughing from Amelia's tickling.* .HAHA...

Gourry and Naga: Mph mph mph mph!

Xellos: Despite being kicked, tripped, chased around by Filia to father her children, and being a mazoku, I'm so happy that I could do a little jig! *Starts to do a little jig*

Filia: Must...have...children...with...namagomi...must...reproduce...scary...hybrid ...children...

Me: Ok, now this is getting weird. Everything back to normal, with no memory of what happened!

*Suddenly everything is back to normal and nobody remembers anything*

Lina: Who are you? AND WHERE THE #$%^& IS MY FOOD?!?!

Gourry: I want food too!

Amelia: I gotta get back to the council meeting so that I may right the wrongs of the world!

Zelgadiss: ...

Xellos: That is a secret!

Me: Including this? *Holds up jar of jam*

Xellos: Even that! Everything is a secret! You shall no nothing! Bye bye! *Phases out*

Filia: Where'd little Val go? I was watching him a few minutes ago...and who in the name of Cephied are you?

Me: Ugh, this is too much, everybody go away! I wanna go home for now!

*Suddenly everything is back to the way it originally was.*

Me: Great, now I'm back in reality. Ugh, wait, I know!

*Suddenly all the teachers at her school give her A+'s for the rest of her teenage life, and she is awarded the best person in America award, and is exempted from school so that she may persue more wholesome activities, such as sleeping.*

Me: YAY!!! Oh, and one more thing...

*Out of nowhere Minnesota, where Merc lives, heats up to a nice summer temperature of the entire year, every evil person in the world dissapears, and everybody's happy with their nice cherry smoothies.*


So, like it? Hate it? Just too weird? Tell me! Review or e-mail or whatever, just check out my bio and you can gather the info needed to spam me there. ^^