A/N: My second Jerry/Elaine story! I know there are only a few of you out there who ship these guys, but I couldn't help myself. I had to indulge myself once more. You'll have to excuse some inconsistencies with whatever season they're in or how old they are or how many years have gone by...but other than that, hope you enjoy!
CHAPTER ONE: THE BACKUP
In which George creates an inkling
The moment George stepped through the threshold into his friend's apartment, Jerry knew something was up. Internally rolling his eyes from behind the kitchen counter, Jerry watched as his bald friend took four slow, deliberate steps, hands clasped behind his back, to stand halfway between the couch and the kitchen. This was George's typical spot for ranting.
"Well, Jerry," said George, splaying out his arms on either side of him. "It's official: I am King of the Idiots."
Jerry took a bite out of the peach he held in his hand. He chewed, swallowed, and then calmly probed, "Since when has it not been official?"
George pursed his lips and, shaking his head, responded, "Oh, before, it was decided, but now it's official. Just when I think my stupidity could not possibly increase, I go and top myself again!"
Jerry leaned against the counter, barely amused. "What have you done this time?"
George waggled his finger back and forth dramatically. "Oh, no no no. It's not what I've done. It's what I haven't done."
Jerry sometimes marveled at how very long and theatrically George could dance his way around a subject before actually telling him what the hell was going on.
"So today," George began, still in neutral mode before he unavoidably reached the maddening part of the story, at which point Jerry knew he would begin frantically waving his arms about and yelling in frustration. "...I was walking down East 73rd on my way to, uh...to the store, when I bump into Joey Madison; you remember Joey Madison?"
"Yeah, Antsy Joe? The, uh, the obsessive-compulsive?"
"It's a mild case, but yes. So anyway, he told me that he's getting married." George waited with his eyebrows raised.
Jerry's attention was mildly piqued, so he took the bait. "Really? But he hasn't even been dating anyone! Who could he be marrying?"
George waited a moment for dramatic effect, and then answered smugly, "Monica Walters."
Jerry's eyebrows shot up and he lifted himself from the counter. "Monica Walters? Really? That woman friend of his?"
"Yes, the very one," George said, nodding furiously.
"But...but why? Last I heard they were just friends."
"Apparently they made an agreement a while back that if they reached a certain age and still weren't married, they'd marry each other. And now-get this, Jerry-they actually are!"
"Huh! That's incredible," Jerry said, opening the refrigerator door and reaching for a Strawberry-Kiwi Snapple.
"I'm telling you, Jerry, I shoulda gotten one of those things a long time ago!" George exclaimed, and the desperate limb-waving started up.
"One of what things?"
"A backup, Jerry, a backup!"
"Yes, a backup! I shoulda made more female friends back when I had hair instead of trying to have sex with them all. Then, when I'm forty, I wouldn't have to be bald and alone!"
"A backup. Wow," Jerry said, taking a swig of Snapple. He didn't sound that impressed.
George made an exasperated sound with his mouth and then left his ranting space to sit on the couch.
"Let me ask you something, Jerry," he began. "When you need a quick date, like for a party or a wedding or...or a funeral-"
"A funeral?" Jerry interrupted with a frown and a questioning hand gesture, palm facing upward, Snapple in the other hand. "Who takes a date to a funeral?"
"Plenty of people!"
"Name one person."
"I'm sure there are plenty of people who take dates to funerals," George said angrily, and Jerry decided to let it go. It was George, after all. "Anyway," George continued, "when you need a quick date...don't you ever worry that you won't have anyone to go with?"
Jerry shook his head uncaringly. "No."
"No?" George responded with shock. "Why not?"
"Because," Jerry shot back. "I can just take Elaine." He picked up the peach from where it lay on the counter and casually took another bite.
"All right," George said, momentarily accepting Jerry's statement. "What about when you need a fake girlfriend? Like, for when you want your grandparents off your back about why you're not married yet or when you...I don't know, you wanna appear unavailable to an ex-girlfriend. D'you ever worry about that?"
Jerry jutted out his bottom lip in thought, and then reciprocated, once again nonchalantly, with, "No."
"No?" George repeated, even more infuriated. "W-w-why? Why not?"
"'Cause I'll just call Elaine."
George frowned, trying to think of one final objection, and then finally retorted with, "Okay, okay. Fine then. But tell me, Jerry: at what age do you think you're gonna have to stop dating 'cause you're starting to look pathetic?"
"Okay. All right. So when you're forty, don't you ever worry that you won't be married? That you'll die a lonely bachelor with no children to carry on the Seinfeld name? Huh?"
Jerry laughed and blatantly replied, "Nope."
"What?" George screeched. "Why the hell not?"
"Because I'll just marry Elaine."
George narrowed his eyes. "So you're telling me that in two years, when you're forty, if you're not married, you will drop down on one knee and pop the question to Elaine?"
Jerry nodded simply. "Yes."
"Does she know about this? Have you two made a pact?" George asked suspiciously.
"No," Jerry retorted with peach in his mouth, "but in two years, we'll both be done dating and ready to settle down, and if there's no one else in the picture then we'll just...marry each other. It makes sense, if you think about it. We were together for three years before, so we've been there, done that and won't be surprised by any weird body malfunctions."'
"Elaine has weird body malfunctions?" George questioned eagerly, popping some coffee table nuts into his mouth.
"Nah, she doesn't have any."
There was an awkward pause before George persisted with, "So...you have weird body malfunctions?"
"Wh-? N-no! George, shut up and let me finish. The number two reason it makes sense is that we've already met each other's families, and I know my parents love Elaine, and I love Elaine to death, so that's not a problem."
"Also, we're good friends and we spend most of our time together anyway, so nothing would really change except that she'd live here, we'd kiss hello and goodbye, and have sex occasionally."
George paused a moment to take it all in. "Huh..." He finally uttered. "Sounds like a plan."
As soon as the words left his mouth, the door burst open and Kramer slid in haphazardly, as per usual.
"Howdy," he greeted them both, as the door banged against the wall from the momentum and slammed shut behind him. "Watcha talkin' about?" He took four long, wobbly steps to the refrigerator, hands swinging wildly to his own personal rhythm. He plucked the carton of milk from the fridge without a word of explanation. (The real reason was that he needed it to add to his massive pot of Kraft Mac & Cheese-six boxes.)
"We were just discussing how Elaine is Jerry's backup. You know, in two years if they're both single they'll marry each other," George informed him.
"Ah, the old backup," Kramer responded all-knowingly. "It has rarely been pulled off."
Jerry took another gulp of his Snapple. "Whaddya mean, 'rarely pulled off'?"
Kramer looked back and forth between the two of them, as usual surprised that they had no idea what he was talking about.
"Haven't you ever heard of the Richmond case?" Kramer inquired. Jerry and George shook their heads. Kramer's body jolted and he made a sound that was something along the lines of a stunned 'Adoi!' "Well," Kramer began, pacing behind the couch. "This guy Scott Richmond up in Massachusetts was a serial dater. Kind of like you, Jerry," he said, motioning towards his neighbor. "Anyway, Scott had this platonic friend Julianne, like, uh...Julianne Moore."
"Uh-huh," George said proddingly, gesturing for Kramer to move forward with the story.
"Well," Kramer said again, "Scott and Julianne made a pact that if they got to a certain age and were still single, they'd marry each other. They were each other's backup...
"The years went by, and they both kept dating, until suddenly-kk-kk-" Kramer made a noise with one side of his mouth "-they were over thirty-five. So just like that, wedding preparations began. All was fine and dandy for almost six months, until the day before the wedding. Julianne met some guy who she said she'd fallen in love with. Since it was only a marriage of convenience, she reneged on their pact and opted out of the wedding. But by that time, Scott had fallen in love with her. He got so jealous he killed the guy and fled...Police are still looking for him." He finished the story with Jerry and George absolutely enthralled. "All because of a backup," he added mysteriously.
There was a moment of silence, as Kramer stared off into the distance mystically.
"Well, see ya later!" Kramer said bluntly, jerking his thumbs upward, and he was gone before Jerry could even blink.
It took a moment for Jerry and George to take it all in. George was the first to speak.
"Aha, Jerry! Looks like your foolproof plan isn't so foolproof after all! I'll steal Elaine right out from under your feet! She will be my backup yet!"
Jerry was hardly fazed. "George, Elaine once literally vomited at the thought of kissing you. Marriage is out of the question."
Just then the buzzer beeped from its place beside the wall. Jerry strolled over, toting his Snapple, and pressed the button.
"Who is it?" he said into the speaker.
"It's me," said a woman's voice.
"Come on up," he told her. He let go of the button and turned to George. "See, here comes Elaine now."
George stared at his friend, perplexed. "How can you always tell it's her?"
"Because she's the only woman who's a me."
"Yeah, a me. You know, when you're familiar enough with someone that they start saying, 'It's me.' They become a me," Jerry explained, using fluid hand gestures to aid his account.
"None of your girlfriends were a me?"
"None of my girlfriends lasted long enough to become mes," Jerry said with a smile.
The door opened and Elaine ambled in, flopping her arm behind her to close the door.
"Hi," she said.
"Hi," Jerry said.
"Elaine, I have a question for you," George said. He frowned a bit and shifted his legs underneath him like a schoolgirl. "If Jerry asked you to marry him in two years, would you say yes?"
"Well of course I would!" Elaine told them sarcastically. "Wouldn't I, my little Jewwy-poo!" She pinched Jerry's cheeks like his Great Aunt Augustine. He grimaced, she laughs, then gave him a wry smile and headed for the fridge.
"No, I'm serious, Elaine!" George continued. "Is Jerry your backup, for if, you know, you don't find anyone between now and then? Wouldja marry him?"
Elaine unscrewed the top to her Snapple and then answered, "Sure, I'd marry 'im. Why not?" Jerry grinned triumphantly at George.
George stumbled on with, "Okay, what if Jerry finds someone before then? Would you marry me in two years?"
"God, no," Elaine countered, and Jerry laughed hysterically.
George blushed bright red, fuming by now, as Elaine snatched some almonds from the coffee-table bowl on her way to the bathroom. As soon as the door shut behind her, George leapt from the couch and stormed towards Jerry, pointing his fingers accusingly.
"I'm telling you, Jerry," he said for about the fourth time that day, "Elaine is a beautiful, intelligent, and very eligible woman! She's much more attractive than you!"
"Now, see, that's where I beg to differ," Jerry cut in defensively.
"Beg all you want-it's the truth. Not to mention you're immensely picky."
"Well, so are you! And so is she!"
"Yeah, but you're in a class of your own, Jerry. You are the unchallenged King of Picky almost as much as I am the King of the Idiots!" George suddenly got quiet and intense, moving till he was mere inches from Jerry's face. "Mark my words, Jerry Seinfeld," he whispered. "Your backup will be stolen yet! I will see to it!" He turned on his heel and flung open the front door, then shouted, "Stolen, I tell you!"
Jerry rolled his eyes, but on the inside, a tiny inkling of his brain was beginning to fret. George had a point: What if Elaine did get married? She was the only person he'd even come close to marrying in the last ten years. Everyone else...well, frankly, everyone else sucked.
Not that he was about to stop dating. He liked dating. He was a dater. In fact, for the next two years he planned on dating, unless he found "the one," but knowing him, he thought the possibility of such a discovery was highly unlikely. However, he couldn't allow Elaine to do the same. He had to protect his territory, didn't he? If he found himself happily married to Mrs. Jerry Seinfeld within the next two years, then he could release Elaine to go on her merry way and find her Prince Charming or whatever. But until then, he had to defend his backup, or run the risk of ending up...like George.
Elaine came out of the bathroom and made a beeline for her Strawberry-Kiwi Snapple.
"So watcha doin' later?" Jerry asked her, in what he assumed was a smooth tone.
"Ah, I'm meeting Puddy at Monk's," Elaine replied. "I think he wants to get back together." She wrinkled her nose, but she didn't look entirely convinced of her Puddy-resistence powers.
"Oh, no no no no." Jerry waved his arm dismissively. "No more of that," he told her. "You're a gorgeous, successful, intelligent woman, Lainey!" he said persuasively, sauntering over to sling his arm around her shoulders and grip her shoulder encouragingly. "Don't you think you can do better than...Puddy?" He spoke the name with utter disdain and a horrified nose-wrinkle.
Elaine looked mildly convinced, because, after all, she was the type of woman who could be swayed with a few compliments.
"Yeah," she said, standing up straighter. "Yeah, maybe you're right! We should do something else tonight. Wanna see a movie?"
"Can't," Jerry responded, removing his arm from around her shoulders and finishing off the last of his Snapple. "I have a date."
Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it. By the way, I'm working on the next chapter, which is called "The Defense." Haha! I 3 you, fellow Elaine/Jerry fans! I promise more is coming. Read and review! XOXO