"What a monster of a child…"
People all around me would mutter these things about me. Of course, I heard them plain as day. Some people didn't even bother to hide this stuff from me; you know, talking behind my back? Nah, I heard it all.
Well, all I needed to hear, anyway.
I just grew up thinking cynically and skeptically, "They're liars." But then after finding out that I really was sorta different, something inside me clicked, and I knew that I'd be alone for a long time.
You see, my right arm… has some kind of enchanting negation to it. Meaning that if I touch something or someone with enchant magic in it, it generally breaks, disappears, or goes berserk, you name it. Though, it hasn't ever done anything too serious, people still fear me for it.
Why? Because they don't understand it. People fear things they don't understand.
Well, almost everyone. Except for that one guy. I mean, how could I forget Toya? He was pretty much the turning point of my life. The one who seemed to give some reason to this pointless, meaningless life of mine that was living only to be alive, if you know what I mean.
Believe it or not, our relationship started way back - in early enchanting school, I think. I know how corny this probably sounds, but hear me out! Me and this Toya buddy of mine; we're actually childhood friends.
In all honesty and respect, Toya is an amazing person. He's smart, well-read, strong, a master of enchanting, a cool and calm gentleman, has his own fan club, everyone in Yokohama likes him, and most importantly, he is my best and closest friend.
It was a weird feeling... When people would pick on me, and he'd stand up for me, when I couldn't even muster enough guts to defend myself.
Weird, huh? You'd figure a red bubble-head like me would do something about that. But no; I figured it wasn't worth fighting after a while, and figured that maybe I'd just let it go. I mean, sure, if someone pisses me off, I'd be the first to let them know. But with my whole arm thing…?
Anyway, Toya was taught me things that I could have never learned on my own. What it means to have a true friend; someone worth protecting, and someone who was worth living up to.
I've always looked up to him. I mean, I wasn't a total copy-cat or anything. First-and-foremost, I will always be my perfect, yet flawed self. Which – by the way – Toya taught me the importance of in the first place. (For some reason, such important values didn't come to me that quickly. But I suppose that most people are like that anyway, right?)
Because remember, I was pretty much raised thinking I was incapable of love. Deep down, I didn't believe I was suited to be cared for. Because I was a monster of a child, whose arm might one day bring destruction, or something.
I don't even know why he chose to be friends with me. It's like he's doing it to humor me, or something. I mean, why would such an amazing person – not to mention he's the polar opposite of me – want to hang around with me, a so-called demon?
He confuses me. Sometimes, I wish I knew all the things he knows. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather not know if it came down to studying as much as he does. But it just seems that without him, I'd be… well, kinda lost, you know?
I guess what I mean to say, is that he's become like a half of my whole pizza-pie-life.
So, I'm not sure what it was that drew us together. I think fate's an odd one, putting two random people together at random times, making them do random things together. It makes me wonder…
But then I get bored trying to figure out HOW it happens, and I just go with THAT it happens. You know? And if I don't like it, I do something about it. I'm just grateful that me and Toya are together, and I'm grateful that he chose me – of all people – to share his life with, as best friends. In short, I feel honored.
But I guess it's an honor for him, too. I'm a pretty amazing person myself, actually. And guess who helped me figure that out? Well, okay, he didn't teach me about having an ego – that just came naturally, I'm pleased to say.
Going back a little with this whole "ranting and raving" thing… I'd do anything for him. I've come to realize just how… captivated, or fascinated… or enchanted (no pun intended) I've become with Toya. It's not hard to do, because he's such an awesome person.
But sometimes I have to ask myself, will I ever be his equal? Am I just going to be some annoying background friend of his, bothering him all the time? Will I ever be useful to him? So that I'm not causing problems for him all the time?
I hope he doesn't feel that way about me, but I do tend to think about this stuff, you know. Believe it or not, I wish I had more confidence, so that I could ask him sometime soon.
Tch, I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. I suck at words. But I'm just in a mood to ramble, so a listening ear (or more-or-less this dumb laptop) is all I need right now.
Maybe I should just tell Toya this, rather than write it all down. I wonder what he'd think… if I told him all these things I'm saying about him. I wonder if he'd believe me. I wonder if he'd be disgusted. I wonder if he'd be grateful, or…?
I wonder… if such things… he wonders about me, too?