This is a semi-sequel to the chapter 'If You Give a Soldier a Lobster' from my story "Mine".
As I have said before, I am not the best author, so there will be mistakes.
Other then that, enjoy!
If You Give a Soldier a Betty Crocker Recipe
The scene could have belonged to the set of a T.V. sitcom. There was flour on every available surface, splatters of eggs and butter smeared on the windows, the oven looked like someone used it to set off a bomb, and a pot was sealed to the top of the stove by, what seemed to be, the burnt cousin of "The Blob". He didn't even dare to venture a look at the ceiling, scared of what new horrors he might find there. It all would have been complete if there was a couple of children standing in the center of the room, looking a mess and giving big nervous smiles while a live audience laugh in the background.
Except Engineer saw no children. All he saw in the midst of the wreckage was Soldier, wearing his helmet, boots, boxers, and not much else except for a copious amount of flour. And instead of a nervous smile, the large man wore a scowl; dark eyes wary and holding a dented spatula in his hand like it was a weapon. Engineer remembered using that spatula just yesterday, he had bought it a week ago at the store; and it was in perfect condition when he had last seen it. Now it looked like it was a veteran of both World Wars and a victim of an A-bomb, its once shining metal coat now blackened and scratched.
Engineer tried to work his jaw to say something, anything, that would make sense amongst the chaos that was the kitchen.
"Before you say anything, I want to clarify that this is not my fault."
Engineer gave Soldier a confused look, a bit relieved that the shock was starting wearing off.
"Then whose fault is it Solly?"
He could feel his face changing from the original confusion into blank disbelief.
"Betty Crocker?" He croaked out, when he found his strength to speak.
"Yer tellin' me a fictional woman caused all of this?"
Engineer could not decide whether he wanted to punch Soldier, or just curl up on the floor and sob.
"Solly, How did ya..."
"I already told you, Betty Crocker is the one to blame."
The punching option was beginning to gain more and more appeal.
"Soldier." Engineer ground out, between clenched teeth."Betty Crocker doesn't exist. She's made up."
"I know that."
"Then how, in the hell, could this be her fault?"
"Well, it was her recipe I was following..."
Engineer let the silence hang there for a moment, wondering how Soldier could say something that stupid with such a serious face.
"What does that gotta do with anythin'!"
"Well the recipe said to..."
Engineer listened to Soldier ramble, until he caught a glance at the ceiling. He stood transfixed at the sight, the other man's words going unheard as he began to realize that that his earlier fear was not unfounded. How Soldier manage to get a pot lid, two mixing bowls and a wooden spoon stuck up there, he had no idea. Though, Engineer suspected that it probably had something to do with the doughy slime that was now beginning to drip off of poor utensils and onto the floor...
"...and it called for some kind of powder so I added gun powder-"
Well, that got his attention. He stopped Soldier in mid-sentence.
"Ya did what."
Soldier's scowl deepened.
"I added gun powder, like it told me too."
"It's called baking powder. Baking powder!"
He watched Soldier wrinkle his nose and brow in thought.
"There's a difference?"
Engineer gave Soldier a blank look and whispered hoarsely.
"Ya can't be serious."
"In Poland I cooked with gunpowder all the time..."
"Yeah, an' if I remember right, ya told me that ya blew up your campfire over a dozen times because of it!"
"Oh...I forgot about that."
Soldier let out a nervous chuckle as Engineer's vision went red.
"I still don't know why it would have caused that explosion-"
Later on, after two bleeding knuckles and an aching hand; Engineer's only regret was that he knocked Soldier out before the other could clean up the mess.