Disclaimer: I don't own Hair. If I did, this would be part of the play, though perhaps a bit more well written.


Claude looked up from his book as the large, heavy metal door that lead in and out of the tribe's home swung open and shut with a large, reverberating bang!

"Fellow tribe members!"

Woof had come back. Claude stood up, focusing on -the other tribe members called Woof this, and Claude was only beginning to understand why- the shaman climbed up on an overturned pail, and held his arms out wide.

"I bring news! Berger has returned!" Woof shouted, and the tribe members began to cheer. Woof was swaying slightly, his eyes not really focused on anything or anyone.

"I thought most of you were vegetarians," Claude asked. They all turned around and stared at their newest member blankly.

"Huh?" Woof asked.

"I thought you guys didn't eat meat." Claude rephrased.

"We don't." Jeanie said. "How would you like to be eaten?"

"That's why I'm confused as to why you're celebrating hamburgers." Claude rubbed his temple.

"Oh." Woof said simply, before a great grin spread across his face. "Oh! Ha! You're a genius Claude." Woof howled, laughing.

"Okay, sure." Claude shrugged. Figuring that in this state of mind, he'd never get an answer out of Woof, he sat back down in his corner, continuing to read his book.

The rest of the tribe crowded around Woof, sharing the occasional discreet glance at the 'baby' of the tribe.

Berger had been gone for three weeks now, his parents taking him on some trip where they were supposed to 'bond and learn about each other.' They were hoping the time away would get Berger's 'phase' to end. But as soon as Berger got back, he called Woof telling him not to worry, he hadn't been brain washed yet.

Woof knew nothing would change Berger. He had seen it. And, after just a few days away, Woof found Claude Hooper Bukowski.

Claude's hair had been braided, with a red head band to hold back his bangs. He had an armful of groceries that he'd been trying not to drop in the crowded subway car. He'd been skipping school, thinking of dropping out.

And Woof knew that Claude was perfect for Berger. He could feel it. After a few days, he was friends with Claude, going over his house every afternoon, talking about nothing and everything and nothing again.

"Man, I love your beads." Woof said, sitting down in the kitchen of the Bukowski townhouse. Claude was making lasagna, which, Claude had been adamant about, Woof was not allowed to steal. It was for his dad, who was out doing... Something, Woof hadn't asked.

"They're my mother's." Claude said, going into his British accent, which Woof had hear Claude use occasionally.

"Where's she?"



"England." Claude twitched his nose. "You want a taste?"

Woof leapt at the chance. Quite literally, too, he knocked over a chair in the process.

Normally that wouldn't happen without Berger, after all, Berger was the heart and soul of the tribe. But Claude?

Woof knew: Claude would be the heart and soul of Berger.

Claude had been in the tribe for at most two weeks, and now Berger was back. And Woof couldn't wait to give Berger his present.

Woof waited until he knew Claude was engrossed in his book before putting a finger to his lips. Ever so quietly, he led the tribe out of the home, then, when everyone was out, he went to pull it close.

At the last second, Claude looked up to see Woof and everyone in the doorway. Woof grinned, waved, and slammed the door shut.

"Hey!" Claude leapt up, running for the door. It shut just before he got there, and he heard that awful click! Claude shook the door with all his might but it wouldn't budge. "This isn't funny, open up!"

He heard laughter.

"Be back soon, don't worry!" Woof called through the door.

"Damn him," Claude cursed under his breath. The door was heavy metal, and there was no way in hell Claude could open it, not with out a key.

Claude kicked the door in frustration, then grimaced in pain. He grabbed hold of his foot and hopped around. "Ow, ow, ow, ow!"

He fell on one of the carpets. It would be a long night.

Hair- 2 hours later

Woof lead Berger up to the door of the tribe's home. Berger was blind folded the moment they came up to the street of their home, and had his hands tied behind his back- mainly for the fun of it, partly for the full effect. Claude would remove the blind fold and wrist binds, simply for the symbolism of it all. He was Aquarius.

Woof really loved symbolism.

"Alright, Berger, you ready for the surprise?" Woof asked.

Both the tribe and Berger shouted, "Yeah!"

"Alright, you have to promise, no shouting. No man-handling, yet." Woof smirked.

"Alright, man, you got it, now hurry up!" Berger grinned.

Woof unlocked the door.


Claude woke up when he heard the lock turning in the door. He pushed himself up in time to see the door open. Woof grinned at him and lead a boy- a man, really, tall, dark and hairy- into the middle of the room. Claude propped himself up further on his arms as Woof deposited the man/boy right in front of Claude, then walked out and shut the door.

"Woof, man, you better untie me!" The man/boy said, looking around, not seeing Claude. Claude pushed himself onto his knees.

"Woof's not here, mate, he left," Claude told him, falling into a British accent unconsciously.

"Who are you?"

"Claude." Claude reached forward, removing the blindfold. He looked at it in his hands- it was one of Hudd's old t-shirts.

He tossed it to the side, and when he looked back, the man/boy was staring at him.

"Woah, man, are you my surprise?" The man/boy grinned. "This is awesome!"

"Oy, mate, I don't appreciate that, I am a person, not a present." Claude stood up, brushing off his pants. "And who the bloody hell are you, anyway?"

"I'm Berger."

"Berger? Like the meat?" Claude paused. "Well, that makes much more sense now."

"What does?" Berger climbed to his feet as well, which was much more difficult for him, not having the use of hands. "Hey you wanna untie me?"

Claude went around Berger's back, untying the rather simple knot.

"So, where are you from, Claudio?"

"My name is Claude, not Claudio. Me mum's from Manchester."


"England." Claude threw the other shirt (this time Dionne's) over his shoulder. "Do you know Geography? I can only think of one Manchester, and it's across the great Atlantic."

"What's got you so annoyed?"

"Well, I was locked in here for who knows how bloody long and then you show up, calling me a surprise. And I have to get home and make dinner."

"You worry too much." Berger bent down and in one swift motion, swung Claude off his feet, spinning in circles.

"Woah- put me down! Put me down!" Claude yelped, kicking his feet uselessly in the air. Berger slowed down, staring down at Claude's face as Claude stared up at Berger's.

"You in the tribe now?" Berger asked. Claude nodded. "This is the best present ever."

The door opened, and the tribe walked in. Berger set Claude back down on his feet, and noted Woof's smug smirk.

"Woof, man, you got me a British guy?"

Claude swallowed nervously, fiddling with his beads. Most people didn't react well, act all, to his nervous habit. His dad hated it, for one good example. And... He... He didn't not like this Berger. He didn't want this Berger to hate him. He didn't want to be thrown out of the tribe.

"No, he's not British, he just does that when he's nervous." Woof waved his hand.

Berger waggled his eyebrows at Claude. "I make you nervous?"

Claude's face colored. He grabbed his book off the floor, and muttered a good bye to Woof before running to exit the room. It most certainly was not the reaction he was expecting to get.

"I like him!" Berger proclaimed.

"Good!" Woof clapped his hands. "Think Sheila will?"