Warnings- Bad language. Bullies.
I'm trapped. I can't honestly say it hasn't happened before either. He has me pinned to the wall. The dirty wall. My hair will be ruined. It's hard to think thoughts like these when something horrible is going on. I don't move. I'm trembling. My hands are pressed to the wall. I close my eyes. Don't feel. His hands slide down my arm. Beefy and sweaty and disgusting and and and… I think I'm going to be sick. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don'tcry. Don'tcry. Don'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcrydon'tcry. Tears slip down my cheeks, unbidden. His thumbs rub circles on my cheeks. It would've been gentle… If it weren't for his words. Don't listen.
"Do you like that? Do you? You fag." A low, hateful murmur. I'm not firewood. I'm not. I choke down a sob. His gentle touch turns harsh and he slaps by face. It stings. Don't panic. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It'sokit'sokit'sokit'sok. It's… not ok. His nails leave angry red lines down my arm. I can't fight back.
"You're not even going to fight back? You think you're so pretty? Boys shouldn't look like girls. I'll ruin you're face. You won't be pretty," he sneers the word, "When I'm through with you." You're not about to get beaten up in a bathroom. You're… You're… You're about to get beaten up in a bathroom. I hold back another noise. Where is everybody? Just when he pulls his arm back, bout to punch, the bathroom door flies open. I've never been so relieved in my life. Thank God. Someone help me.
"James?" The anger in his voice is barely controlled. I can hear the promise in his voice. Someone is going to be in a lot of pain. I'd be scared if I wasn't already. MY trembling only gets worse. "What's going on here?" No, not pain. Agony. He turns around.
"You friends with this kid?" He jerks his thumb towards me. Don't move. I slide down the wall and wrap my arms around my knees.
"What did you do to him?" I shiver. Scary. Kendall takes a step forward, hands balled into fists, ready to punch.
"Look man. This thing here, he deserves this." He steps back though. No one messes with Kendall. No one. Never. I whimper.
"I don't know what you're talking about. Nor do I care. If you think that James deserves to be beaten up you should burn in hell." Kendall throws the first punch. I knew he would. He's a hothead sometimes. That's why I like him. People never expect it.
"James." I look up. Kendall's looking down at me. He's holding out his hand. His eyes are soft and concerned. Don't be so nice to me! I take his hand. When we get back to the apartment, we go to our room. He sits me on my bed and leaves the room. He hasn't spoken since the bathroom. It's scary. When he reenters, he has a first aid kit. He holds out his hand.
"Give me your arm." His voice is low and rough. I give him my arm. His hands are soft when they brush the marks. Don't be so gentle! I didn't even know that they were bleeding. He's careful when he cleans and dresses the lines. There's gauze wrapped up the length of my forearm. It doesn't hurt anymore. When he puts the medical stuff away, his hands come toward my face. I can't hold back the flinch even though I know he won't hurt me.
"Sorry." It's quiet, but I know he heard.
"'T's alright." But it isn't. I know. I hurt him. I'm sorry. He tilts my chin so that the slap mark faces him. Gonna bruise. His eyes burn. He's mad.
"I'm sorry James." It's not your fault! And he is. I can see it. He's sorry.
"Not your fault." I can tell that he doesn't believe me. I can tell.
My face is in both his hands. It's not like it hasn't happened before. He leans forward. It's been worse. Our lips touch. I can take it. I lean into it. For you. He pulls back. I love you. He smiles. I love you Kendall.
"I love you James."
(-) (-) (-)
I wake up. On the floor. It hurts. Stupid floor. I pout. And I know that I look stupid. I'm sitting beside my bed, tangled up in my sheets, pouting. Yep. Very stupid.
"James? Are you ok?" Kendall.
"Yeah. I just… fell out of bed." I can hear his smile.
"You fell out of bed?" I think he's going to laugh.
"Noooo. I just decided to sleep on the floor instead of the bed." Sarcasm. Love it.
"Did you have a nightmare?" He's teasing I know it but-
"You did?" Kind of.
"Yes. Remember the first time we kissed? I was dreaming about that. What did you do to that guy anyway?"
"Nothing pleasant." His voice is dark.
Ah… I don't really like this one. Bullying like this is real though and this just wouldn't go away. It had to be written.