If Only They Had Listened To the FanFic
Author's Note: I noticed one night that although Marauder fics are infamous for their static characters, the MSTs were particularly bad. And apparently I was in a fairly sarcastic mood, so I started this, with the intention of making fun of the 2-D characterizations found in *most* (there are a few really good ones out there) Marauder MSTs, and also wondering what would happen if a rather ambitious (and stupid) MST host decided to try and thwart destiny...
Disclaimer: I own the iMac Portkey, and the Writer of FanFiction. Actually, since I'm a minor and my parents paid for the laptop, that may not be accurate...oops, am i giving too much away?
"Guys," Sirius whined, "I am soooooo, sooooo, sooooooooooo incredibly bored!" He began panting and making puppy dog eyes, apparently to emphasize his point.
James whirled around to face his best friend. What was he playing at, Transforming in the Common Room? Then he did a double take. Sirius, sadly, was in his human form.
"Well," Remus pointed out, "we do have that seventeen inch Potions essay due tomorrow. And we haven't done Transfiguration homework for the last week."
His friends pondered this for approximately two point seven seconds.
Then the foursome burst into laughter.
"Us? Homework?" Sirius choked out. "You must be kidding."
Lily, who was sitting beside them and working diligently, added drily, "We are Marauders, hear us roar."
"Um, Lily? You aren't a Marauder." Peter looked quite confused. As usual.
Lily bit back the urge to strangle the boy. For some reason, she didn't really trust Peter, even if he was one of her boyfriend's best friends. Oh, come now, Lily, she scolded herself. You're being silly. The next time an oppurtunity comes up to place your life in someone's hands, you should go against your instincts and pick Peter. I'm sure he'll perform admirably.
Meanwhile, Sirius had begun to bounce up and down for no reason at all. Something had to be done. Lily sighed. "Well," she told them, "I do have this Portkey in my pocket, though I don't know where it leads to. I found it in the Divination room."
"How did you get it in your pocket, then?" James wondered.
"Stole one of your Dungbombs and Transfigured it into magic-repelling gloves."
Before Sirius had the chance to expostulate on the waste of a perfectly good Dungbomb, Lily pulled the gloves out of her bag and showed them the Portkey. It was in the shape of a white iMac laptop - though they, being in a wizarding environment in a time before the iMac had been invented, did not realize this.
"How do you know it's a portkey, anyway?" Remus asked her cautiously.
"The note that was attached to it," Lily replied, fishing a small piece of parchment with a piece of Spell-O-Tape still hanging off. She read aloud to them, "'To the finder of this Portkey: If you are James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew and/or Lily Evans, please touch this now to discover your future and change the world as we know it.'"
Remus frowned. "Sounds like a trap to me."
Peter was shaking too hard to reply, though he did manage to nod vigorously in assent.
Sirius and James, however, were overcome by the adventure of it all. "We've got to try it!" Sirius declared.
Lily shrugged. "I'm with Remus, myself, but if it'll stop Sirius whining, I'll try anything."
Apparently, that settled it. "On the count of three, then," James instructed. "One...two..." they gathered round the Portkey in ready position, "three!"
Lily looked around at her surroundings. It looked like an ordinary Muggle bedroom. Suddenly she screamed. There was a girl sitting at the desk.
"What's wrong, Lil?" James asked his girlfriend, still groggy from the dimension-travel. He noticed the girl as well. "What are you doing here?"
The girl rolled her eyes. "I live here, you idiot. Shouldn't I be the one asking that question?"
Remus stared at her shrewdly. "You're the one who's summoned us here."
The girl now looked thoroughly irritated. "Oh, honestly, Remus, would you lay off the insight and voice of reason thing, just once? Yes, I left the Portkey in the Divination room."
Sirius gaped. "But...how?"
Peter, by this time, was hiding under the mysterious girl's bed.
Lily snorted, though whether it was at their melodramatic host or Peter's cowardice, no one was sure.
"But who are you?" Sirius pressed on doggedly.
"My name is not important," the girl answered dramatically. "Only know that I am a Writer of FanFiction."
This did not produce quite the effect the Writer of FanFiction had hoped for.
"Can we call you Woff for short?" James asked her. "Writer of FanFiction is something of a mouthful."
"Fine," Woff snapped. "Now if you two would shut up, Remus would stop staring penetratingly at me, Lily would quit acting so superior, and Peter would get out from under the bed, we could get to the matter at hand."
Peter crawled out timidly. "How did she know where I was?" he whispered.
Lily rolled her eyes at the rat. "Pete, I think they could hear your teeth chattering in Portugal."
Remus ignored this, and asked calmly, "And what is the matter at hand?"
"Well, fanfiction, of course. You'll be reading a very informative story about your future, and making amusing side comments for the readers, while trying to grasp your tragic fate."
"Readers?" James repeated. "What do you mean?"
Woff grinned wolfishly. "Oh yes, forgot to tell you. Everything you say is being read by fanfiction writers like myself from all over the English-speaking world."
"Ah. Right, then."
"Anyway," Woff continued. "Enough chit-chat." She moved aside, revealing for the first time what appeared to be a blown-up dublicate of their Portkey. "Begin reading."
The Last Day
by Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin
Sirius: *giggling* Ooh, Moony, it's your future wife!
Lily: Grow up, Sirius.
A/N: This is a fic about the night Voldie killed Lily & James.
Peter: D-d-did she just call Y-You-Know-Who V-Vo-Voldie??
Remus: *shrug* Well, you know what Dumbledore always says about fear of a name.
Lily: Actually, Peter, what really struck me was the "killed Lily & James" part.
James: Don't worry, Lily, if all these writers are as weird as Woff, I don't think we can expect this fic to reflect reality much.
Woff: *darkly* Wouldn't you like to think that?
I cried when I wrote it
James: It was that bad?
and all my friends say its really really good. R&R please!
Lily: How reassuring. What does R&R stand for, anyway?
Woff: Not important! Keep reading!
Sirius: *grumbling* Maybe we should change her nickname to the FanFiction Nazi.
Woff: Remember what I said about omnipotence?
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry, Lily, James, Sirius, Remus, or Wormtail the Rat,
Sirius: *indignantly* I should think not!
the goddess of writing J.K. Rowling does.
Sirius: *more indignantly still* What?!? Absolutely not! Who is this so-called goddess, anyway?
Lily: *frowning* We never studied her when we did Greek myths in school. *off the others' looks* Muggle school.
James: Well, I dont belong to anyone.
Sirius: Except Lily.
James: Well, yes, that.
Sirius, Remus, Peter, Woff: *roll their eyes as Lily and James smile adoringly at each other*
Lily smiled adoringly at her husband, James Potter.
Remus: Well, that sounds familiar. *does double take* Wait, husband??
Everyone else, minus Woff: Husband?
Lily: Er, James, I love you and all, but I'm really not ready for this type of commitment...
James: That's all right, Lily, the writer's delusional, just keep saying it.
Woff: All right you two, you're going to get a bigger shock than this, so can we accept the fact that you're 23 in this story?
He was playing "Broomstick" with their year-old son, Harry, by flying the baby around the room. Already, Harry had begun to look like James, with a mop of uncontrollable black fuzz
Remus: How can it be a "mop" yet "fuzz"?
James: It's not for us to question, Remus.
though he had Lily's sparkling emerald green eyes.
Sirius: Aw, how cute! Can I be his godfather?
Just then, Harry's godfather and Lily and James' best friend Sirius Black walked in the door.
James: Apparently, yes.
Peter: *pouts* How come you guys didn't pick me?
Lily: Peter, for the last time, this isn't actually us. I'm not getting married, I have a career to concentrate on.
Sirius: Oh, come on, I was hoping I could be the best man at the wedding!
Padfoot had also been the best man at the Potters' wedding.
Remus: Okay, this is just getting creepy.
Peter: You guys? Have you noticed that this writer somehow knows our secret nicknames?
Lily: *snort* The whole of Gryffindor Tower knows your "secret" nicknames.
Sirius: Yes, and if this girl is Moony's future wife, obviously she knows all about us.
Remus: *bops Sirius on the head with one of Woff's stuffed animals*
Woff: *nods approvingly* That's what they're there for.
"You guys wanted to see me?" Sirius asked them.
"Sirius, sit down," Lily said to him solemnly.
"We have a very important question to ask you," James explained.
James: Are the rumors about you and Snape true? Sirius: *wacks James with a stuffed animal*
"We've just come back from visiting Albus," Lily explained.
Lily: I can't believe I just called Professor Dumbledore by his first name. It's practically sacreligious!
Sirius: I've done it.
Remus: Yes, and then McGonagall doubled the detentions you'd already gotten us for your cheek.
"I don't know how to say this, but
Sirius: *as Lily* ...you're being honored for becoming the Student To Earn the Most Detentions Ever with a solid gold statue to replace the one-eyed hag and ten thousand Galleons.
Lily: Dream on.
Sirius: *as Lily again* ...you're going to be a daddy. Harry's getting a baby half-brother!
James: Eurgh! *tackles Sirius*
Woff: Sirius, those weren't even funny.
Sirius: *muffled, from underneath James* Yes, they were!
Woff: No, they weren't. In all the other MSTs, you make all these witty remarks. How come in mine, you're just plain lame?
Lily: Well, you are the writer. And didn't you say you were omnipotent?
Woff: *hits Lily with a stuffed animal*
Lily: I thought you were supposed to be some kind of neutral host!?
Woff: Well, then, respect my authority.
Voldemort is trying to kill us."
Peter: *falls off his chair*
Lily: I never call the Dark Lord that. I'm much more sensitive to those around me.
James: Relax, Peter, this writer has a room in St. Mungo's.
Woff: *darkly* I wouldn't be so sure...
Sirius gasped with alarm for his best friends. "But what will you do?"
"Albus has recommended we use the Fidelius Charm," James explained.
Remus: Awful lot of explaining going on around here.
James: We're being chased by You-Know-Who, cut us a little slack.
"When we choose a Secret-Keeper, Voldemort
Woff: Wormtail, would you cut that out? This fic is long enough without you stopping to quake in terror everytime they say the name.
Peter: See? She knows them, too! It's a conspiracy, I'm telling you!
will never be able to find us, as long as the Secret-Keeper never tells where we are."
"And we've chosen you to be our Secret-Keeper," Lily said with tears in her eyes.
Lily: I am sick and tired of this girl. All she does is moon over James, finish all his sentences, and get unnecessarily sentimental.
James: You're right, I would never marry this Lily. All the more reason not to believe a word this writer is saying.
Woff: *darkly* You'll regret that...
Remus: What I want to know is where Peter and I are during all of this. It's not fair that Sirius gets to be Best Man, Godfather, and now this Secret-Keeper thing.
Sirius: *grins smugly*
Lily: I'm telling you, Remus, this girl is deluded.
Woff: *darkly* Are you absolutely certain?
James: *whirls on Woff* Would you stop being so goddamn (Lily: James!) cryptic? What do you know that I don't about my life?
Woff: Everything, Prongs. Everything.
James: Oh yeah? Well what gives you this self-proclaimed "omnipotence" anyway?
Woff: That's simple. It's the year 2002.
Peter: *falls off chair again*
Lily: *laughs shrilly* That's ridiculous. That thing was a Portkey, not a Time Turner. You said so yourself.
Woff: *shrugs* I told you, I'm a Writer of FanFiction. With the help of a plot device here and there, I can do anything. I'm controlling the words coming out of your mouths right now.
James: Nobody listen to her! She's positively barmy.
Peter: I just want to go home.
Remus: Something tells me we won't be doing that until we get through this fanfiction.
Woff: You got it.
Sirius: So let's get going, I want to see what I say.
Sirius stared at his two best friends
Peter: Look, Remus, there she goes again.
for a moment. Then his eyes filled with tears as well
Everyone but Sirius: *snort*
Sirius: *attacks them all with stuffed animals* I do have a sensitive side, you know!
and he pulled Lily and James into a warm hug.
Everyone: *falls over hysterically laughing*
Sirius: Come on, you two, group hug! *tries to hug Lily and James*
"I don't deserve friends like you
James: Too right.
and I will be glad to do my part to protect you."
Lily: Oh come on. This is absolutely ridiculous.
Remus: I agree. Sirius is obviously under the Imperius Curse if he's talking like this.
Everyone else: *nods in agreement*
Woff suddenly caught sight of the time. "All right," she announced. "That's the end of the first chapter."
"What?" James asked her, confused. "It's over."
"She said 'first,'" Lily pointed out. "First suggests that there is also a second, and a third, and a -"
She was drowned out by four loud groans.
Woff looked quite irritated. "Well, honestly, it's not that bad. I'm trying to save your lives here, you could show a little gratitude." She sighed at their bewildered faces. "Never mind. Everyone just grab on to the Portkey, because it's leaving in 5...4..."
"Are we coming back?" Sirius asked her.
"Don't give her any ideas," Remus warned.
"2...Yes, I'll be seeing you very soon...1..."
Woff was suddenly alone in her bedroom.
All right, so that quite sucked. It was better than doing my Chemistry homework, though. Next chapter to be up soon...will the Marauders plus Lily ever come to terms with their fate? Or will they lynch Woff to shut her up? Will Woff's family decide she's insane from the voices coming from her room? Some of this and much much more next time on