Chapter 6 of IOTHLTFF is finally here! More of the infamous James + Lily = hate…or does it? as well as Vengeful!Peter, Anal!Remus, Testosterone!James and Sirius, and, of course, the Mysterious Voice.
Many people asked what an MST is…Mystery Science Theater is a British TV show that makes fun of bad movies…I confess that I personally have never seen it. This, however, never stopped anyone in the fandom from writing an MST-style fic and they used to run rampant on ff.n. They are now illegal on this site (shhhh), since it basically amounts to people making fun of other people's fics. All fics mocked in this story, however, are my own twisted creations, though they are based on plots and mistakes I've seen before in fanon.
The mission of IOTHLTFF is not only to make fun of badfics, but also MSTs in general, since I found many of the same clichéd characterizations popping up in those as well. It's a parody within a parody! And I have way too much fun being sarcastic, so here's another helping.
"Guys?" Peter's pale, bewildered face emerged from the closet. "What's going on? Where are we?"
"Peter!" His four friends greeted him. "You're awake!"
"Oh, wonderful," Woff muttered, but everyone ignored her.
"We've been kidnapped by a fanfiction-writing psychopath, remember?" Sirius told his friend.
Peter looked around. A strange brown-haired girl was sitting Indian style on the bed, sifting through a large pile of letters. His friends had pulled up chairs around a desk on the opposite side of the room and were staring at what resembled a small, thin, television screen.
It all came flooding back.
"Eek!" Peter squealed and dove back into the closet. There was a thud followed by what sounded like a small avalanche. Wincing, his friends rose and gathered around the closet door to view the carnage.
Peter's legs were protruding from a large pile of books, magazines, shoeboxes filled with odds and ends, and an assortment of shoes, which unfortunately for Peter, included rather pointy looking high heels and heavy wooden clogs.
"Oh," Woff cried happily, picking up one of the J.Crew clogs, "I've been looking all over for this!" The Marauders glared at her indifference to poor, battered Wormtail's plight.
"Are you all right, Peter?" Lily asked him.
There was a moan and Peter emerged from the rubble. "Definitely concussed, but other than that -"
"Great!" Sirius cried, grabbing his friend's hand and pulling him to the desk. "You can help us read fanfic!"
"But, Padfoot, I really think I'm going to throw-" Peter began but was cut off by another wave of nausea when Sirius smacked him upside the head.
"C'mon, Wormy, no one likes a whiner!"
Lily+James=hate...Or does it????
Peter: *puzzled* Of course it doesn't. Who thinks that?
James: That's right, Pete, you missed the beginning. According to this author, Lily and I hate each other.
Peter: Another of Woff's fics? *ducks a pillow from across the room*
Chapter 4: Sirius Blackmail
A/n: Get it??????
Lily: No, actually, we didn't catch that, why don't you run it by us one more time?
Lily cackled evilly to herself. She had an idea. Lily had a wonderful, awful idea. [A/n: haha jim Carrey is soo funny]
Woff: It's a modern Muggle reference, just let it go.
The idea was: blackmail the Marauders! She knew now about them being Animagi and werewolves,
Remus: Werewolves? And here I thought I was the only one.
James: Well, we must bow to the superior knowledge of the fanfic writers. I say it's Sirius.
Sirius: Nice try. Check this out. *holds out silver watch*
James: I know! It's yet another clue to the identity of the mysterious voice!
so she was going to blackmail them.
Remus: Thank you, Captain Redundancy.
So the next day Lily cornered all the boys in a corner. "I know youre secret!" she hissed.
Remus: "Your" secret. It's a possessive pronoun, not a conjunction, and even if it were the author forgot the apostrophe.
Woff: Remus. I thought we had established nitpicking these fics is completely futile and will only cause you more pain?
Remus: *sheepishly* I just couldn't help myself.
"Oh no!" Peter said and ran away to snog Candy.
Peter: Who's Candy??
Sirius: It's apostrophe, Wormtail. The author is referring to your one true love: food.
Lily: *elbows Sirius* Don't listen to him Peter, she's your girlfriend in this fic.
Since the rest of the marauders were brave they said, "What are you talking about?"
"We don't have a secret," James said.
James: Well, maybe a few.
"Oh yeah, Prongs?" Lily sneered. "Mr. I'm-a-stag-Animagi??"
Lily: Oh, I'm clever.
At first the Maruders were speechless, but James thought quick. "You can't blackmail us, we know a secret about you too!!"
She turned lily white. "Dumbledore is NOT my grandfather!"
Peter: Obviously. What is she talking about?
Remus: For some reason, this author thinks he is. And apparently Lily wants to keep her identity as the granddaughter of the world's most powerful wizard a secret.
James: Evidently she doesn't want to keep it a secret all that badly; she's let it slip twice in the past five minutes.
Lily: Almost as many times, in fact, as this author has inflicted her horrendous puns on us.
Sirius started laughing. "Duh, Lily, you just fell for the oldest trick in the book! Go Maruders!"
Lily: D'you think that was an attempt on Sirius' part to be self-deprecatingly witty, or just another typo?
Remus: My money's on the typo.
James: Sirius? Self-deprecating? You must be kidding.
Sirius, James, and Remus slapped high fives.
"Fine!" Lily shouted. "But I am going to tell everyone that you are Animagis and werewolves if you don't let me become one too!"
Peter: I can't believe it! I knew you were jealous, Lily!
Lily: *very slowly* Peter. I do not want to become an Animagus. I am not jealous. This is not a true story. Am I making myself perfectly clear?
Peter: *meekly* Uh, sure. Sorry, Lil.
James: *clearing his throat in the ensuing awkward silence* Um, I think we've got another sighting of the mysterious voice.
Remus: You mean the return of the multiple werewolves?
Sirius: Not to mention we still haven't heard from the midnight spy, Gerry O'Connell. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Lily: Merlin, I hope not. One person thinking like Sirius is more than enough.
"Fine!" James shouted back. Then the Marauders stomped away.
"Dude, Prongs, why'd you say yes so quickly?" Sirius asked. "Ooh, I think Prongsie fancies Lilsies!"
James: You bet I do.
Lily and James: *exchange sickeningly sweet smiles*
Sirius: Hey, Lilsies, can I really call you that?
Lily: Sure, as long as you don't value your life or anything.
"I do not!!" James yelled.
"Prongs and Lilsies, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!" sang Remus and Sirius. They thought they knew all there was to know about Lillian Veronica Evans,
Lily: But, considering they didn't even know her name, were obviously quite wrong.
but little did they know, they were very, very wrong.
James: Waait. Is the author insinuating what I think she's insinuating?
Peter: Lily's evil! *realizes what he's just said and cowers*
James: Er, no, actually, I was just thinking that Lily was the mysterious werewolf.
Peter: *quickly* Oh, ah, yes, that's what I meant.
Sirius: It makes so much sense! That's why she still has a secret, and that's how she found out about the four of us! Remus, how could you have missed it?
Remus: I suppose we just never ran into each other, what with the Shrieking Shack being so spacious and all.
Lily: *indicating a necklace, bracelet, and two rings* I also wear all this faux-silver jewelry to throw people off.
Peter: Hey, guys? We finished the chapter, now what does this button do? *presses mouse* Oh. Sorry.
James: Don't worry about it, I want to hear more of Lily's dark secrets.
Chapter 5: Lily the Animagi and Grandpa Voldie
James: What is it with fanfiction authors and their pet names for the Dark Lord?
Remus: What is it with fanfiction authors and their complete inability to grasp the concept of Latin endings?
Lily: Let's just save ourselves a lot of time and leave it at: What is it with fanfiction authors?
A/n: Wow, I can't believe I made it to my 5th chapter! When I started this on a sugar high at 2:00 am
Sirius: That explains so much.
Remus: You would certainly know.
I never expected anyone would even read it! THanx everyone for your awesome reviews, except for HarrysHotLuva69 who flamed me! You are a bad writer who should not be on this site critisixing people who are better then you!
Sirius: Shame on you, HarrysHotLuva69! Bad fanfiction writers are not allowed!
Remus: There's far too many already.
The Marauders were watching Lily do the spell to become an Animagi.
"Abracadabra Alakazoom Ecomebay An Animaginay Ightray Ownay Ybay Isthay Ellspay!"
Lily: Wow. Is that what you guys are so proud of?
Peter: That was...
James: Five years of grueling work reduced to Muggle magician phrases and Pig Latin. I might cry.
Sirius: Oolcay! I Ikelay Ugglemay Igpay Atinlay!
Then she took the special potion. All of a sudden, she felt herself changing. She looked down. Then she changed back in excitement.
"I'm a doe!" she cried.
Sirius: *pinching Lily and James' cheeks* Aw! Isn't dat so adowable!
Remus, Sirius, and Peter looked at James and started laughing hysterically. James and Lily were both bright red.
"Just because we are both deer doesn't mean anything!" Lily yelled. "Me and James
Lily: *gritting her teeth* James and I.
are nothing alike! He is from an old gryffindor wizard family, I was adopted because no one is supposed to know that Voldemort's daughter and Dumbledore's son had a baby! My adopted family hates me, my real parents haven't been seen since I was born, and my grandfather wants to kill me!"
Woff: Lily, I think you may be worse than Hagrid and Peter combined.
"Dumbledore wants to kill you?" Peter asked stupidly.
Sirius: Oh, good one, Peter. Really clever.
Peter: B-Bu-But -
Lily: Relax, Wormtail, he means your character in the story.
Peter: *thinking* They always make fun of me! I hate them!
"NO YOU IDIOT!" Lily shouted. "VOLDEMORT DOES!"
"D-d-don't s-say th-th-the name!" Peter whispered in terror. Then he ran away.
Woff: You see, the author has one thing right.
(A/n: Yes I got rid of him!)
Lily wasn't paying attention though (but she wouldnt of cared if she was!), because she had turned white and was staring at them with her wide green eyes.
Lily: As opposed to my spare blue set, I suppose.
"OMG!" she said. "Just forget I said that, ok!" Then she ran away before the shocked boys could do anything.
Peter: I don't get it. What is "OMG"?
Sirius: ...I'm stumped.
Woff: "Oh my God." Just ignore it.
James stood with his jaw hanging open for a minute, then ran after Lily.
"Prongs, where are you going?" Sirius shouted. James didn't answer. "He is so totally in love." Sirius sighed.
Lily: *in a bad American accent* Like, totally.
"No way, its Lily remember?" Remus said. "They'll never go out, they hate each other."
"Moony, my friend, if they arent going out by the end of the week, I will pay you 10 galleons."
Remus: Padfoot, you don't have 10 galleons.
"Padfoot, you don't have 10 galleons." Remus said.
Remus: Ooh, you're right, that is disturbing.
"But your on anyway."
Sirius, eager to see if his fictional self would win the bet, and hoping that if so he could claim it held true in real life and collect the ten galleons from Remus, took control of the touchpad and tried to go to the next chapter.
"Hey!" he exclaimed. "That's the end!"
Woff nodded sagely. "WIP. It's probably for the best; you five were getting a little too into it if you ask me."
"I didn't like it," Peter spoke up. No one was surprised.
"You shouldn't complain, Wormtail, you saw more action in that fic than in our six years at Hogwarts," Sirius teased.
"And Padfoot probably made more intelligent statements, hard as it is to believe," James countered dryly.
Sirius lunged at him and the two began to wrestle enthusiastically on the floor. Downstairs, Woff's parents frowned at the chandelier, which had begun to shake. The remaining three Hogwarts students rolled their eyes at each other, and Lily appealed to Woff. "Can't you keep them entertained somehow?"
"You can entertain me anytime, baby!" James called from underneath Sirius. He exchanged a lewd grin with Sirius, who took advantage of his friend's momentary distraction to put James in a headlock.
Woff sighed and shoved her captives aside to get to the laptop. After a few minutes of searching, she got up, satisfied, and announced, "Here! This ought to keep you busy."
"'Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder,'" Remus read aloud. "by…oh Merlin…i*luv*snuffles and Hermione Ginny Lily Lupin."
Drawn to the fic by the same morbid fascination that makes people stare at fatal car wrecks, the wizards and witch gathered around the screen and prepared for the worst.
A huge thank you to all my reviewers: jtyw, weirdfreak, Stating-the-obvious, Alicorn, Ron's Secret Admirer, Essie, Springrain, Queen of the Tinfoil Fish, Clare, selena, Thursday, HeHeHe, Bitter Bathory, A13TAT, Ariana Deralte, Cellie, Tahlya, Snowlily, Chaos, Lindsay Leigh, Lydia, ~*CrystalLily*~, Xaiver, Tarawyn, Harriet, lily evans potter, Sweet Star, TheDarkIsRising aka Endriago, Sunshine, UnrepentantReader, and juggling stars. You guys are the best.
Don't forget to stop by the Yahoo group HPMST () for your MST fix.
Oh, and please let me know if you'd like me to email you when the next chapter is out; the badfic is already written so it shouldn't be long.