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Dark Lady Devinity

Warnings: some nudity. However, it's nothing unusual from France's normal levels of nudity in the series.

A/n: This is for metallic_sweet in the Fruk gift basket exchange. Her prompt was "Sometimes I don't know if you're trying to seduce me or if you're just constipated." and "Stand back! We're going to try SCIENCE!"

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Arthur had always loved quiet evenings in the English countryside. He could sit in one of the large windows of his sitting room, reading or knitting while the sun flittered through glass panels and warmed him. Few nations knew about his summer cottage so Arthur only had to worry about being disturbed by the fairies the great majority of the time. And the fairies were never a disturbance.

The English nation settled down to read an old book that he had intended to look at for quite some time and never got the chance too. He didn't intend to get up for a while and had a cup of tea and his favourite tea kettle positioned nearby on a serving table. All in all, he was ready to release all his pent up stress and just relax. However, things were never really meant to be what one expected and a brisk knock on the front door forced Arthur up out of his happy little relaxed state. The nation grumbled for a few moments but he didn't feel too upset. It was probably one of his few human neighbours, looking for a cup of sugar or the like.

He was so very horribly wrong.

"Mon cher! Bonjour!" Francis Bonnefoy cried happily when Arthur opened the door. Arthur narrowed his eyes and attempted to slam the door in France's face. However, the French nation was prepared for this and he shoved a newspaper in the doorway so the door couldn't close all the way. Francis had learned his lesson the last time he tried to step into England's house when he stopped the door with his foot. Arthur had slammed the door hard enough to break two of Francis' toes. The Frenchman had picked up the paper when he rented a car to drive out into the English countryside.

"What are you doing here?" Arthur asked when Francis finally managed to push his way into the house.

"Is that anyway to treat an old friend?" Francis asked.

If anything, Arthur glared at him harder. "Since when have we been old friends?"

There lay the question. The two nations were certainly old together and knew each other for centuries. Whether or not they were friends was another thing altogether. Still, Francis knew Arthur well enough to know what he liked and didn't like and had known about Arthur's love of the countryside for a long time. It didn't take long for Francis to find out about Arthur's summer cottage back when it was a small shack-like building and Arthur was an adolescent nation.

"Anyway, I have brought you a present although I doubt that your shocking English palate would appreciate it." Francis said and he pulled a bottle of fine French wine from under his coat. Arthur took it and scanned the bottle. He didn't bother with reading the French label.

"Well, I suppose a little alcohol will make your presence more tolerable." Arthur said. "But first, I want to finish my tea."

X-x-X

Somehow, in the course of their drinking, Francis had started to cook dinner. Arthur watched as his companion created some French food monstrosity. Then the Englishman finally put the pieces together. Francis had come to wine and dine him and would soon be attempting to rid the both of them of their clothes.

In that case, Arthur was going to have tea and scones for supper. He'd never get near enough to the stove to make something for himself as France had taken complete control of that area of the room.

By the time Francis had finished cooking whatever confection he was making, Arthur had already set up shop with a fresh cup of tea and a plate of scones that he had made that morning. The Englishman was sat at the small kitchen table and hoping that he looked unseducable. Suddenly, Francis threw himself onto the table, managing to rid himself of all his clothes in two seconds, and holding a plate of a sugary desert above his head. His eyes were partially closed in what he thought was a sexy, lust laden look and he was pouting in what he thought was a deliciously kissable way. That wasn't how Arthur saw it and he scrunched up his nose in disgust.

"Sometimes I don't know if you're trying to seduce me or if you're just constipated." Arthur said.

Francis blinked and opened his eyes all the way. Then he saw what Arthur had in front of him and his expression darkened considerably.

"Merde, Arthur, just looking at those black things can make my digestive system go into critical failure." Francis said in unusually blunt language.

Arthur held the plate of scones closer to his body as if he was worried that they had been insulted.

"They're still better than what you've got. What is that anyway?" Arthur asked.

Francis held the plate down so that it was at eye level. "It's an aphrodisiac. However, I'm not surprised that you can't recognise food that isn't destroyed."

"There are lots of people who like my food." Arthur protested.

"Oui, your imaginary friends." Francis agreed.

That was the last straw. The English nation pushed his chair back and stood up. "Stand back," Arthur warned, "we're going to try science! I'll prove that my food is perfectly okay."

"Do you mean real science or that alchemy thing you call science?" Francis asked. However, Arthur had already run off to collect his remaining pieces of the Philosopher's Stone. The Frenchman sighed and went to put his clothes back on.

He didn't see Arthur smile as the Englishman escaped the kitchen. Arthur had effectively gotten out of having to handle Francis throwing himself at him and as long as Francis thought he was looking for his alchemist gear, he wouldn't bother him.

Arthur was going to enjoy the rest of his quiet English evening and the first chapter in his book.