A/N: Let's welcome the new month and academic year with some crack! I thought of this while writing a few chapters my other fanfic, World Wide Story, and the fact that this past week I had pretty much nothing at all to do except for writing, writing, writing. So this is a story born of boredom, crazy, and as all things involving the older Beilschmidt are, awesome. Sit back and enjoy!
Axis Powers Hetalia belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya.
"Kumajirou, what am I going to do?"
The small white bear didn't say anything. After all, it was just a toy. But the way its head was flopped over to one side seemed to reply: I don't know. Who are you again?
This had never really fazed Matthew, who had owned Kumajirou for as long as he could remember. Today, he had bigger problems on his plate. The morning had started normally enough. He'd woken up at the leisurely time of 10 AM, wandered downstairs to fix himself breakfast, and was getting dressed when his cellphone rang.
He smiled to himself when he saw who was calling, and then answered it.
"MATTHEW WILLIAMS! You are Matthew Williams, aren't you?"
He winced, not because of the volume (he was expecting that already), but the tone.
"Of course I am, Gill. I thought you knew that..."
"Well, I thought so too!" a female voice shouted back at him. "Then you have a lot of explaining to do, mister!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Playing it innocent, EH?" she spat back, making a point to emphasize the last word. "Go search online for your famous little name, then."
"Okay! Okay! I'm doing it!"
The first link that popped up on Google was from The Hollywood Gossip website. Matthew groaned at the title.
"Are you serious, Gillian?"
"Why else would I call you?"
"Did it ever occur to you that I'm not the only Matthew Williams out there on the entire planet?"
"Hey, it says it's the first time they've ever heard of any Matthew Williams. So obviously, it's not common." He could almost see her pouting. "Mattie, I thought you had meeee. Me! And I'm so awesome!"
"But you weren't satisfied? What else do you want? The way you act half the time, I almost thought you were more embarrassed of me than anything!" She demanded.
Matthew cleared his throat and picked his next words carefully. "Gilly, calm down, you have nothing to worry about. I mean, Lady Gaga is also really cool and everything, bu-"
"So you ARE dating her? YOU TWO-TIMING JERK!" Gillian screamed back. "You are so going to regret that you cheated on the most awesome girlfriend you could ever have." Matthew could only stutter in amazement as she took a moment to pause dramatically.
"We're over," she announced before hanging up on him.
So now, back in the present, Matthew was pacing his kitchen and asking his teddy bear for advice. Yes, this was how desperate he was.
"The thing is...I don't want to lose Gillian. Ever. She's been amazing. Sure, she's kind of crazy..." Matthew paused at the window, staring pensively out at his garden. "But she never forgets about me, unlike Al or Arthur. And they're supposed to be my brothers, for crying out loud. Gilly can actually be really sweet, and caring...albeit in the loudest, flashiest way possible...I think I'm in love with her."
Kumajirou slipping off his chair and onto to the floor brought him back to the current issue at hand. Matthew hastily scooped the bear up.
"But I mean it, she's amazing but crazy! She thinks I cheated on her with Lady Gaga!" He sighed and glumly hugged the bear. "Kumajirou, you're my only friend..."
He glanced down at the white fur. "And for some reason, I feel that even if you were alive, you wouldn't really care about me either."
As usual, silence was all he got. Matthew trudged into his living room and flopped onto the couch, out of ideas to woo Gillian back. He was startled when he felt his stomach vibrating.
It was actually his cellphone, which he had stuck into his hoodie pocket. Matthew cautiously pulled it out and was surprised to see the name blinking on the screen.
He answered with hope and trepidation. "Gilly?"
"Hey, Mattie," sighed the familiar voice. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay." Matthew sat back, a relieved smile on his face.
"I've been thinking about what I said to you, and it was totally unfair and unawesome of me to accuse you of that."
"I don't care. I forgive you."
"Anyway, I realized what the truth was!"
"It took you all morning to figure that out?" Matthew had always considered his girlfriend to be, well, at least of average intelligence. But he figured that today, perhaps her emotions had gotten in the way of thinking. Oh well, he could let that slide too.
"Nah, it took about ten minutes. But then I had to get everything assembled."
"...Everything...assembled?" The feeling of dread that typically accompanied one of Gillian's ridiculous escapades slid into Matthew's stomach.
"Yeah!" His girlfriend now could not keep the smug excitement out of her voice. "It all comes down to logic. One, I'm awesome, right?"
"Two, Lady Gaga is awesome, right?"
He couldn't see where this was going. "Uh, I guess..."
"Three, Lady Gaga is dating Matthew Williams, right?"
"Four, you are Matthew Williams! Therefore..."
"Um." His doorbell rang.
"Hold on, Gilly. I have a visitor." Matthew ran to the front door and without checking to see who it was, swung it wide open.
His jaw and phone hit the floor at the same time.
On his doorstep stood a confident girl with gorgeous pale hair that fell to about waist level. A very confident girl wearing an asymmetrical black and white sequined tulip dress with jagged shapes sticking out in the weirdest places possible. A very confident girl with a heavily made up face - magenta eyeshadow, thick lashes, and a shiny lightning-bolt decal on the left side of her face. A very confident girl with a hair bow made of...hair on her head. A very confident girl in four inch platform stilettos, so that she was nearly as tall as Matthew himself.
Gillian coolly snapped her phone shut and finished her sentence with great calm.
"Therefore, we can come to the conclusion that I am Lady Gaga."
A/N: Hey, I'm willing to buy it. They're both awesome and crazy enough. As for the title: stuck with a girlfriend who thinks she's Lady Gaga is one pretty terrible romance if you ask me.
RAH RAH, AH AH AH, ROMA, RO-MAMA, GAH GAH, ORE-SAMA! WANT YO' VITAL REGIONS.
...I forgive you if you don't want to read my stories anymore.