a/n-I was re-reading PoA a few weeks ago and this quite literally just popped into my head. I'm not entirely sure about the title; it's the only thing I could think of...But I hope you like the story!

Disclaimer-All of the dialogue belongs to J.K. Rowling. Like, all 5 lines of it.

That Filthy Lunatic

Petunia Dursley's day had begun just like any other Saturday. In fact, it had begun very much like the day, nearly twelve years ago now, that had brought her not-quite-so-beloved nephew into her home. Horrible day, that one...

But on this particular day, Petunia had awoken around dawn and gone outside to water her garden before the heat of the day set in. She had then fetched her husband Vernon's paper, since she was already outside, before making her way back into the house, where she took her daily shower. By that time, Vernon was also waking up, so she went down to the kitchen and began preparing breakfast. By the time her teenaged son, Dudley, stumbled into the kitchen a half hour later, eyes still heavy with sleep, the table was practically drowning in a variety of breakfast dishes. It was as Petunia finally sat down at the kitchen table that her day became so unlike every other day that summer.

The television Dudley had received upon returning home for the summer was switched on, much like it had been every day since it's installment more than a month ago. With the only other option at this early hour being children's programs, the morning news happened to be turned on, on this particular morning. While Vernon read his newspaper, both Dudley and Petunia focused their attentions on the television. The latter for a lack of anything better to do, until a news report caught her attention, just as her nephew, Harry Potter, sat down at the table as well.

Sirius Black, the reporter had said. He had broken out of prison.

That name sounded so familiar, Petunia just knew she had heard it somewhere before. But where? Why did she know the name of an escaped convict? Was it perhaps because he'd committed some high-profile crime for which he was imprisoned? But no, she'd be sure to remember for sure if that was the case. Petunia couldn't help but be reminded of her childhood and teenage years when she heard that name.

A picture of the man was on the television screen now, and Petunia really didn't think she recognized him. Just then, Vernon commented on the unruly state of the man's hair, and Petunia couldn't help but glance over in disdain at her nephew, whose constantly untidy hair never ceased to make her grimace. And as she caught sight of Harry's green eyes, just below his messy hair, it finally dawned on her: Lily.

Lily knew Sirius Black.

Petunia's sister Lily, Harry's mother, had gone to school with Sirius Black. And she had been good friends with him. But, above all else, this made Sirius Black a wizard. A wizard, escaped from prison, who knew Harry's parents. This couldn't end well.

"Hang on!" Vernon barked, interrupting Petunia from her thoughts. "You didn't tell us where that maniac's escaped from! What use is that? Lunatic could be coming up the street right now!"

Petunia could help whipping her head around to look out the kitchen window. Sirius Black might have known Harry's parents, but he wouldn't come here looking for the boy, would he? She didn't know how he would even know where to find Harry. But, then again, just look at how she had ended up with the boy in the first place.

"When will they learn," Vernon continued, now pounding his fist on the table, "that hanging's the only way to deal with these people?"

"Very true." Petunia commented absentmindedly, not really paying attention as she stared unseeingly into next door's runner beans. She was only vaguely aware of Vernon speaking again, her thoughts elsewhere.

Sirius Black may have known Harry's parents, but what connection did that really give him to the boy?

Petunia didn't regret her estrangement from her only sister, not for a moment. But it would have been nice, in retrospect, to know just a bit more about her sister's life when situations like this one arose.

Before Petunia had moved out of her parent's home, back when she still saw Lily, when the younger girl wasn't at school, Lily had mentioned the name Sirius Black when she had complaints to make about her school for freaks. Even now, all of these years later, Petunia could still remember how frustrated and annoyed Sirius Black and James Potter had made Lily. Petunia had half-loved them for it.

From the way Lily had spoken, the two boys had been the best of friends. And Petunia knew for a fact that James Potter had no immediately family, because, much to her disappointment, no one had ever come to claim Harry and take him away forever. Therefore, it stood to reason that Sirius Black would likely have some kind of role in Harry's life. Oh, but it would be so wonderful if this Sirius Black person was somehow meant to be Harry's guardian. Finally, Petunia would no longer have to raise her no-good sister's son.

Although...while it was true that it was no secret that Petunia held her late sister in very low regards, it was another thing entirely for an escaped criminal to show up on Privet Drive, demanding to see the Potter boy. Just think of the sheer amount of mass chaos it would raise! In addition to the neighbors seeing the unkempt and dangerous man who had been featured on the news at Number 4, the authorities would no doubt have to be called in order to apprehend him. Petunia Dursley would be the laughing stock of the entire neighborhood! It would be disgraceful! It would be better if Sirius Black just stayed away. As much as Petunia wanted her nephew out of her house, everyone was used to the boy living there. Harry Potter's past was old news on Privet Drive. Besides, although she detested the boy's abnormality, it did take him out of the house and away from Little Whinging for all but two months every year. Everything would just be better off staying the same way.

Petunia would just have to continue living in wait of the day her nephew completed school and became an adult, when he would no longer be living under her roof. For now, try as hard as she might not to think of it, she would also be living in worry and just a tiny bit of fear that Sirius Black would one day show up on her doorstep, though.

She could only console herself with the fact that he couldn't possibly know where Harry lived. For all that Lily had attempted to keep contact with Petunia, she hadn't exactly known where her older sister was living. Those cursed owls just seemed to be able to find her themselves, even without an address.

Petunia nodded resolutely to herself, only vaguely aware of her husband discussing something with Harry. Sirius Black wouldn't come here. It just wasn't possible. Besides, he might not even have any real connection to Harry other than the fact that the escaped criminal had gone to school with the boy's parents. Petunia would just have to live in hope that things would stay just the way they were.

She was brought out of her reveries once more when Vernon said her name as he stood up. "I'll be off to the station, then. Want to come along for the ride, Dudders?"

Petunia reverted back to her motherly role as Dudley declined his father's offer in favor of watching more television.

"Duddy's got to make himself smart for his auntie." Petunia said. "Mummy's bought him a lovely new bow tie."

With a few words of farewell, Vernon exited the kitchen, off to pick up his sister. In a flash, Harry was on his feet, following Vernon out the door, momentarily distracting Petunia again.

The boy wouldn't lead an escaped criminal to their doorstep. It just wouldn't happen. Petunia put up with the boy because she had to, but she simply would not put up with that kind of riffraff in her house. After all, what would the neighbors think?