This is the final chapter, so I decided to make it extra long for you.
It has 30 rants, and is 10 A4 pages long O.o Enjoy!
"So where do you want to go for our trip?" Mustang asked all of subordinates and the Elric brothers. They were all sitting in a circle and were discussing their annual holiday trip that the military personnel were allowed for a day trip.
"How about a rollercoaster park?" Havoc suggested, twiddling his cigarette around his fingers.
"No we can't do that; the chief wouldn't be able to get past the height restrictions." Breda bluntly told Havoc.
"Hey! Who's so small that I could just sneak past the queues because no-one would see me! Besides, why do me and Al need to go on this trip?" Edward grumbled to himself. He would rather research the Philosopher's Stone, but he knew Alphonse wanted to go away on a trip so he reluctantly agreed to go for the sake of his little brother.
"Because you two are part of our group, that's why. Let's go to the beach!" Fuery contributed, but this was dismissed by Mustang with a wave of his hand.
"Nah, Edward would drown in the ocean, even if he is a shrimp."
"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT THE HAZARD OF DROWNING UNDER SOMETHING LIKE THE AIR!" Edward ranted. Everyone just smartly decided to ignore him.
"It's hard when we have to include the Elrics." Mustang commented. Alphonse, who was still stuck in the armour, bowed his head. "I'm sorry we're being a hindrance." He whispered. Riza instantly death glared at Mustang.
"It's not your boy's fault, it's just the way things are and we'll work around them. Let's go camping for the day." She stated more than offered. When no objections were made, she smiled. "Good. In one month we'll leave to go camping."
"It better not be in the woods though, we'd lose Fullmetal in the woods." Mustang smirked, slightly laughing.
"Hey! You're saying I'd get mixed up with the dirt on the floor because of my height!"
"Yup. You're dismissed for today Fullmetal." Mustang waved his hand to his door.
"I'm not tinier than the rubber on pencils! Remember that Mustang!" Edward cried as he was dragged out of the office by Alphonse.
ONE MONTH LATER
Everybody was gathered in Mustang's office, checking over everything to make sure that they all had what they needed. However, Edward was sleeping on the couch and Alphonse was checking the contents of Edward's rucksack. He also had to carry it for Ed because-
"He's too small to carry it himself." Mustang snickered. Edward instantly heard the word small and shout up shouting "I'M NOT TOO SMALL TO CARRY THE RUCKSACK YOU JERK!"
"Oh really prove it!" There was a quick silence.
"I can't, Al's checking over it."
"No I'm not brother, I just finished." Alphonse put the rucksack on the floor next to Edward's feet. Edward tried to put it on his back, but as he put it on it crushed him and his front made contact fastly with the floor. Mustang was enjoying this.
"Just for the record...I'm not a tiny shrimp, this bag has weights in it. Not my height's fault." Edward whimpered from the floor.
"We're here after that ride in the mini-van." Edward stretched his back and looked at his surroundings. They were on grassy land and in the distance they could see a lake. There were some pine trees in the distance too, but they would be staying near the lake.
"Don't run off now you boys. We need to set up camp." Mustang reminded the boys.
"Why? I can't run off because apparently I'm so small I'll get lost in the grass? Whatever, fine we'll help. Alphonse, d'you remember how to make a tent?" Alphonse nodded at his brother. Together with the help of Falman reciting how to make tents from memory, they had set up four big tents. The first tent was for Riza, because she was the only female and she needed her privacy. The second tent Mustang reluctantly was sharing with Havoc and Breda. The third tent was for Fuery and Falman and the last one was for Edward and Alphonse, should he want to go in it.
"Now I'm heading off to the lake! Who's joining me?" Edward shouted, shrugging off his red coat and his black coat underneath that. Havoc, Mustang, Breda and Alphonse followed, but Riza, Falman and Fuery stayed behind. None of them were too fond of swimming, and poor Fuery never learnt how to.
Once Edward was just in his boxers he jumped into the lake and left a large splash in his wake. He swam back up to the surface and his lips were slightly blue.
"So...cold." His teeth were shaking. Mustang, sighing snapped his fingers and suddenly the lake became warmer and Ed's lips returned to their natural hue.
"I thought shrimp liked water." Havoc teased.
"Shrimp can't wear auto mail, and because I have auto mail I'm not a shrimp. Oh crap! Al, did you bring the spares with you?" Edward asked, ripping out his arm and leg and putting them in the sun so they wouldn't rust. Alphonse handed him the spares which were made of a material that wouldn't rust in water.
"I'm going to hate putting back the real ones in." Edward complained as he put in his spares. By now Mustang, Havoc and Breda were in the pool, splashing each other. Breda thought it would be funny to splash Edward. Edward disagreed with this logic.
"Get back here Breda!" Edward shouted, splashing the man furiously with water. Alphonse laughed as the grown up men playfully dunked each other underwater for a few seconds. Mustang did this to Havoc without Havoc knowing, so when he came back up to the surface, he wasn't too pleased with Mustang. I would like to tell you what he was saying, but younger readers are too innocent to know.
Edward got out of the lake and cannon-bombed into the lake right next to Mustang.
"What the hell Fullmetal?" Mustang gurgled, spitting the water out from his mouth. Edward grinned.
"Oh sorry, I was just making sure that you'd be useless."
"Shut up, you midget."
"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A MIDGET THAT I CAN RIDE ON YOUR SHOULDERS!"
"I don't want to test that Fullmetal."
"I do!" Edward jumped into the air and landed on the disgruntled colonel's shoulders.
"You're surprisingly heavy Edward..." Mustang struggled to say, considering the boy was blocking his windpipe by wrapping his legs around Mustang's throat.
"You're calling me short AND heavy? Except I'm not short, you're only lying! But you called me heavy so you must suffer!" Edward started to bob up and down on Mustang's shoulders, which made his legs give way, so they both tumbled into the water. Edward came up to the surface first, spitting out the water, and Mustang followed suit a few seconds later.
"Never again Fullmetal, never again."
Sitting around the campfire that was made, the military group were all munching on s'mores that they had roasted on the fire. After Edward protesting that he was not as small as a marshmallow or tinier than a biscuit crumb when Havoc tried to put him in between the biscuits they were using, the night was relaxing, and the sky was a beautiful navy blue colour with the stars shining like torches in the sky.
"Ooh, let's tell scary stories!" Edward suggested, finishing off his s'more. Fuery wrapped his blanket which was around his shoulders even tighter at Edward's words.
"I agree with Fullmetal. But let me start!" Mustang pushed in. "What's creepier is that this tale actually happened to me in real life."
"Was it Warehouse 13? That was creepy!" Breda shuddered. Mustang shot him a glare.
"Don't be such a wuss, no this is a real scary story. It all started two years ago...One day Fullmetal here walked into my office without a slam on the door. If that wasn't creepy enough, he didn't even say anything like I'm not so small that shoelaces can tie me up or baked beans amazingly beat me when it comes to who grows faster. Then as he sat down in the chair opposite my desk, he didn't even scowl but gave me a pleasant smile! He showed me his report happily which actually had important details...but you want to know what was most creepy about that visit?"
"W..What?" Fuery asked, getting chills down his back, and wrapping his blanket tighter around his body.
"He called me Sir."
"WAH! That's so creepy!" Falman searched frantically for some cover, while Havoc and Breda began laughing at watching him and Fuery panic. Riza and Alphonse sighed while Edward himself only snorted.
"Let me tell you the real reason why I was being good that day. He-"Edward pointed at Alphonse "-made a bet that I couldn't be nice to Colonel Bastard here for one day. I think I proved him wrong. Oh please, you honestly think I'd be nice to him?" Edward face palmed. "You're all idiots."
"But we're not shrimps." Mustang commented, clicking his fingers to re-start the fire.
"Who're you calling a shrimp so small that the reason I don't have manners is because they can't find my tiny body!"
"Can I tell a scary story?" Havoc asked, tossing his cigarette into the flames. Everyone nodded.
"Did it really happen?" Breda questioned. Havoc grinned. "Yup, and it concerns you too Breda."
"Ooh, tell us!" Alphonse said.
"Alright then. One day I was casually walking down the street, about to meet my date when a vicious monster savagely began biting my leg. I picked it up and carried it by its neck to Breda's house which was the nearest, with an attempt to hurt the beast at his house. But, as I entered the house, I realised it was empty but he must've forgotten to lock the door. So, in an attempt to get rid of the monster I chucked it into Breda's closet. I left his house. When Breda got home and opened his closet, you could hear the screams from my house. He told me later on that he chucked it out of his house before things got too bad.
And that is why Breda hates dogs." Havoc concluded. Everyone just stared at Breda.
"If you saw a mutt in your closet, you'd be scared too." Breda told them.
"Whatever." Edward snorted. "It's around midnight, I'm going to bed."
"You're tiny body can't handle staying up?" Havoc laughed at the younger boy's expense.
"Don't call me so tiny that I should be battery powered or so small I was sent to Earth on a shooting star and am really an alien. I'm damn tired. Night." Edward walked into his tent and they could hear something slam onto the ground. Everyone just stared in horror at the tent except for Alphonse who began giggling.
"Alphonse, what happened in there? And why are you laughing?" Riza asked suspiciously. Alphonse looked at her and put his hands up.
"Looks like brother was more tired than he let on." Alphonse replied. Everyone chuckled for a few seconds before they began yawning.
"See you in the morning, okay?" Mustang climbed into his tent with Breda and Havoc following, and the other military personnel went to their respected tents. Alphonse stayed near the fire and looked up at the stars which were glowing faintly in the dark sky.
"At least I get a beautiful view tonight." Alphonse muttered, gazing at the stars.
"Good morning." Alphonse greeted all of the military personnel who filed out of their tents at the same time (which slightly scared Alphonse).
"Morning. Gah, the only reason I'm up this early is coz I'm so used to waking up early for work." Mustang grumbled, stretching his back.
"Really? I would've been up later, but the boss kept ranting about his height in his sleep." Havoc grinned.
"Oh you heard him? I'm sorry about my brother." Alphonse sheepishly told them.
"No problem Al. Besides, it was quite amusing hearing him say who's so tiny that if I suddenly wanted to jump off a cliff it would take years before I hit the floor." Breda chuckled. "Morning boss."
"Hey. I heard all the noise so I came out." Edward replied, trying to rub his eyes and untangle his hair with his left hand at the same time. "So, what're we doing today?"
"They want to go fishing in the lake today brother." Alphonse replied, giving his brother a sandwich which Edward somehow managed to swallow in one bite.
"Thanks Al. Hey, can I go swimming instead? I did enough fishing on Yock Island." Edward and Alphonse shuddered. Mustang snickered.
"You sure it's not cos you're scared we'll attach you as bait?"
"Who're you calling so small plankton swallow me in one bite! Shut up!" Edward ranted.
Riza smiled at Edward. "Sure. But you might want to fit the spares in before you go swimming this time."
"They're already out, I ain't putting in the real auto mail if I can avoid it. Let's go!" All of them made their way to the large, crystal-blue lake. Edward, taking off his top and wearing his boxers, jumped into the water. The difference between doing this today and yesterday was that yesterday, it was the afternoon so there was some warmth.
Today, however, was the morning.
"Gah! Shit, that's cold!" Edward yelped after coming up to the surface. Mustang sighed and clicked his fingers, making the water warmer.
"You never learn, you flea." Mustang muttered.
"Who's so much of a flea I could be your teddy bear's teddy bear? Ah, that's better. Thanks Mustang!"
While Edward began to swim around the lake and splash the military personnel (he didn't want to splash Alphonse), the rest of them set up all of the fishing equipment. What they didn't realise was that in this lake there were no fish, so they only caught one shrimp-
"Hey you guys I got one! And it's heavy too!" Mustang shouted after two hours of waiting for a fish. Mustang pulled up the fishing line, and much to his delight, he had caught Edward.
Edward wasn't as delighted as Mustang.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING? YOU COULD'VE STABBED MY REAL ARM YOU JERK!" Edward screamed, trying to take the hook out of his spare arm. Mustang and the others couldn't help but laugh at the poor boy, who was getting more annoyed by the second.
"Well Mustang, looks like you caught a shrimp." Havoc laughed.
"WHO'S SO MUCH OF A SHRIMP THAT I COULD RIDE ON THE BACK OF A TURTLE! JUST LET ME DOWN YOU JERKS!" Edward shouted for the whole forest to hear. Mustang pulled in the fishing line, and Edward, who was still stuck on it, landed on the floor with a thump.
"Bastards." Edward mumbled as he rubbed his head and checked his spare arm wasn't broken (it wasn't). Everybody laughed at him, even Falman and Riza. Mustang picked up his fishing equipment.
"Well, we've only caught one shrimp, and sadly we can't eat him. Might as well go back to camp, at least to let the shrimp dry." Mustang explained. All of them gathered their items and walked back to their camp. Edward mumbling "They called me a shrimp so small they could carry me on one finger."
"So what do we do know?" Breda asked. It was two hours since they went fishing, and they just finished having a picnic lunch. Mustang shrugged. "I dunno."
"I'm going for a walk. Who wants to come with me?" Edward asked, standing up and walking to the forest. Havoc, Mustang and Alphonse all followed after him. Breda snorted.
"Have fun exercising on holiday you guys." Breda called after them. Fuery was trying to create an intricate cup-telephone system with plastic cups and string but was failing miserably, Falman was reading the rhyming dictionary and Riza was reading a novel. Things at the camp were peaceful.
But on the walk-
"Hey look, a squirrel!" Alphonse whispered, pointing to a brown coloured squirrel which was currently sleeping on a tree branch.
"Hey Fullmetal, why don't you try taming it and making it your pet?" Mustang (tried to) innocently ask.
"Are you suggesting I'm so small I could ride squirrels for a living?" Edward glared.
"You guys, can we keep moving? It's a squirrel." Havoc complained. Alphonse looked at the man.
"But it's adorable~! I'm going to try and get it!" Alphonse declared, climbing up the tree. His action led to two important consequences.
One: The squirrel got scared by the suit of armour and ran off to a different tree.
Two: When Alphonse was at the top of the tree, it couldn't support his weight and it fell down.
Everyone who was watching (after checking the blood seal was intact) couldn't help but laugh for ages at the situation-if you saw a suit of armour climb a tree and then make the tree fall down, you would find it hilarious too.
"Ah that was funny." Edward sighed. The others nodded. Alphonse pulled the tree of himself and stood up.
"Brother, I didn't get the squirrel." Alphonse mumbled. Edward laughed at his brother.
"It's okay Al, there are tons of squirrels in Central."
"But it was going to be your friend."
"Al, I'M NOT SO SMALL MY BEST FRIEND IS A SQUIRREL! Whatever, we should go back to camp. We've been gone for a while. And we need to set up dinner." Edward turned around started walking back to the camp. The others followed him.
"Err, can anyone here cook?" Havoc asked. Edward snorted. "I haven't got a clue. Al can cook pretty well though."
"Err, I can cook stuff, it's just not edible afterwards." Mustang answered. Havoc sighed.
"This'll be interesting then."
"Fuery, with all due respect, DON'T MIX ME UP FOR SHRIMP WHEN YOU'RE COOKING SEAFOOD COS I AIN'T A SHRIMP!" They were cooking the dinner (it was six in the evening), and Fuery was cooking various fish and accidently nearly put Edward in the pot.
"Sorry sir! I didn't mean to!" Fuery cried. Edward sighed.
"I'm just going to watch you guys cook while I watch." Mustang, who wanted to be lazy, chucked some ketchup on Edward.
"No fair Fullmetal. This is a team effort. Heheh, now you look like a baby tomato when you're covered in red."
"WHO'S SO SHORT I CAN'T EVEN BE THE SIZE OF A NORMAL TOMATO! BRING IT MUSTANG!" Edward chucked custard over the colonel's head. Mustang, who couldn't see as his line of vision was covered by custard, threw an apple pie at Havoc.
"What the hell colonel!" Havoc shouted, tossing raw eggs at Breda. Breda yelped and hid in Al's armour for protection.
"Breda...please get out of my body. It feels really weird." Alphonse groaned, picking up the man and chucking him out. By this time, everybody was involved in the food war except Alphonse, who just watched them all fight and laughed.
Riza's weapon of choice was a mustard squirty bottle and she had fun squirting everybody. Falman was chucking cheese at Edward, who shouted "FALMAN, I AM NOT SHORT AND I AM NOT A MOUSE, I AM A HUMAN! " Edward was using raw cookie dough as his weapon, and was trying to shove it into people's mouths. Fuery had a bowl of pasta, and was throwing it over the others. Breda had flour and flung it randomly in the air. Havoc was using smoked salmon to slap people. By the time they had finished, everyone was covered in everybody's food and the campsite was a mess. They all lied down on the floor, panting for breath and laughed for a few minutes, until Edward brought up a very good point.
"Guys, that was amazingly epic and all, but do we have anything to eat?"
"Well, no-one used the shrimp so we have some shrimp. Care for some Fullmetal?" Mustang asked, checking over the shrimp.
"I'm not a shrimp, so I won't humour you by eating it because damnit, I am tall." Edward replied. "Hey! I found cookies!" Edward cried, bringing out a packet of cookies he found buried under lettuce leaves. "Who wants them?"
In about three minutes, everybody had eaten the entire packet.
Miraculously, Edward managed to transmute a shower for them to use. Everybody had rinsed and showered and now they were sitting around a roaring fire, courtesy of Mustang.
"Ah, it's so warm." Fuery sighed, rubbing his hands together. The others nodded.
"Today was one of the best military holiday days we've had." Falman commented. Everyone nodded.
"Must be because we brought the Elric's with us." Riza reasoned. "It's more fun when we're all together."
"I think you're right. It was fun teasing the brat." Mustang teased Edward.
"Just cos I might lack a couple of centimetres, it doesn't make me a brat. Anyway, it was quite nice to have some time off from research, wasn't it Al?" Edward asked his brother, who nodded.
"Thank you for bringing us with you. It really was fun." Alphonse thanked them. All of them smiled at the gentle suit of armour.
"Of course Al." Fuery answered back. They all sat in silence around the blazing crimson fire, marvelling at the beauty of the forest at night.
"Gah, I don't want to go back. All that damn paperwork waiting on my desk." Mustang sighed, rubbing his back. They had all woken up a couple of hours ago, and were packing up the tents.
"Lazy sod." Edward teased, rubbing his right shoulder. A few minutes ago he had connected his proper auto mail in, and it still hurt just a bit. He didn't want Al to do everything, so he was trying to help.
"Brother, you just need to rest your auto mail ports, let me do the work." Alphonse gently moved his brother away from him.
"You're moving me because I'll get in the way? Whatever, I'm tired." Edawrd sat down, rubbing his leg port now as he watched the others pack up. Within ten minutes they were all done, and they all filed into the mini-van that they arrived in, and left the area.
"Great, just as I expected." Mustang sighed, walking into his office the next Monday morning. There was one huge stack of papers in his TO DO tray. All his other subordinates were dutifully doing their tasks and designated paperwork.
Edward and Alphonse walked into the colonel's office.
"Do you have a mission for me to do or can I research the Philosopher's Stone some more? I need to make up for lost time." Edward asked. Mustang sighed.
"Sadly, all I have is paperwork which you can't do shorty."
"WHO'S SO SHORT I COULD RANT ABOUT IT 500 TIMES!"
Mustang answered the question Edward had asked five-hundred times.
Cue long Author's Note:
Yesterday there were no rants because I wanted to post the list of who called Ed short before this chapter.
Technically in total this fic has 501 rants, but I accidently repeated a rant so to make up for it there are 501 rants. Now that's out of the way-
It would take me a VERY long time to list each and every reviewer who has reviewed this story and I would just like to thank each and every person who reviewed, they were what motivated me to finish this. Also, a super thank you to my multiple reviewers, you reviewed so often and I really appreciate you guys :)
I think I should also apologise to people who reviewed, considering I usually reply to each review, so sorry for filling up your inboxes with review replies x)
I just realised that this fic has like, tons of chapters xD you guys must be brave, reading through it! I am planning on doing another list for FMA, but I am still deciding on what to do it on. If you have any ideas what I should make a list about, feel free to drop a review.
Oh, I should also mention here that Edward actually isn't short in my opinion, I just wanted to make him rant this whole time ^^ now you know the truth!