Hullo! Welcome to Shadow's "Let's Kill Claude" center. From here on out I am going to be doing short drabbles focused on the many different ways to slaughter our evil, shota-killing, Earl-kidnapping demon butler. After this first drabble, I will be taking requests from you guys, but I'll post that information after this first drabble is completed.

The rating for these: as much as some of us want Claude to die a horrible, gruesome death, we're going to keep this moderate so everyone can read it. That means most of these are probably going to be humor-type slaughters.

So, in short, I'm getting all of my rage out while hopefully getting you to laugh along at the absurdity that Claude has become. Furious fangirls unite!

Beta'd by RedShinigami13 3 ^.^

And without further ado, drabble number one . . .

The Teapot Scandal!


Sebastian's arm shook frightfully as he held the teapot in his left hand, a frown of hysterical concentration on his face. He was afraid to raise his arm, to pour the tea into the small cup in his right hand. The mess around him on the floor was enough to show that he had not, in fact, been one hell of a butler lately.

Why was he doing this, anyway? That stupid spider fraud had stolen his beloved Young Master from him, after all. There wasn't anyone around for him to serve tea to. A tiny part, in the back of his mind, was telling him that if he served the child's favorite flavor of tea, he'd come sniffing his way back.

The real reason, however, was because that stupid Trancy butler kept staring at him in amusement. Yes, obviously, Sebastian was frustrated. But that didn't mean that Claude Faustis had to be a butt about it. In fact, for the first time since he had been born (however long ago that might have been), he felt like crying. Sure, the Young Master was an annoying spoiled brat, but at the same time he was so amusing. Just like a kitten.

And, of course, Sebastian loved kitties.

Claude the butt cleared his throat again, forcing Sebastian to raise his eyes from where they'd been solely trained on the blue teacup. The Trancy butler proceeded to smirk before he said, quite bluntly, "Ciel Phantomhive . . . no, Alois Trancy has settled in quite nicely. He has not asked for you once since his arrival at his new home."

Sebastian's grip tightened on the teapot, eyebrows narrowing down as he struggled not to dump the hot tea all over his cohort of evil. He was boasting! Sure, he'd gotten a hold of Ciel. Sure, Ciel now thought that Sebastian had murdered his parents. But surely, surely, his Young Master was strong enough to bring himself back from the brink. After all, Ciel had hated Alois Trancy.

"As such," Claude continued, obviously not having seen Sebastian's glare, "very soon we shall be taking this mansion. After all, it belongs to one Ciel Phantomhive."

As if. Sebastian slowly tilted the teapot, beginning to pour in the steamy tea despite the horrid quaking. No, he would stand by the Manor for as long as he remained in this world. No fraud butler was going to take the Young Master's home!

"And, finally . . . I have decided that tomorrow is the day I shall take the . . . Young Master's soul."


Claude stared in confusion at the Phantomhive butler. Their positions had switched; now Claude was quite annoyed, while Sebastian was smirking happily. The hot tea dripped from the Trancy butler's chiseled, cold face and onto his impeccably ironed uniform. Ah, the delights of seeing the boastful demon drowning in heat!

"Well then," Sebastian remarked calmly. "If that is the case, then I shall have to make sure you don't get to tomorrow."

And then Sebastian Michaelis let loose a howl of wild rage and began slamming the teapot down on Claude's head, taking pride in his Young Master for choosing the . . . sturdiest sets of china.


Yush. Extremely short drabble for this one. The length will vary on how detailed the request/idea is, so it could be anywhere from five hundred to over a thousand words.

Okay, so here's the deal with requests. Obviously, this is the "Let's Kill Claude" center . . . which means I'm depending on your ideas! What's the worst way Claude should die? Is it funny, or are you deathly serious about ending the life of that despicable being?


You can request however many times you like, but PLEASE don't overload me. Take into consideration that Shadow is a fulltime college student with five other FF projects going on at the same time.

Nothing above rated T. Please. Keep this modest for most ages to be able to read.

If I get two requests that have nearly the same idea, I will probably combine them.

Feel free to include characters from other animes and the like. For instance, if your request was "I want Len and Rin Kagamine (Vocaloid) to run over Claude with their Road Roller", I would be only too glad to grant that request.

I will try to get to all of the requests I get. When I post the drabble that you requested, I will post your Pen Name at the top to let everyone know whose idea it was.

Anonymous requests are accepted. If you don't want me to post your pen name, let me know and I'll respect that.

Please submit requests through reviews; it's easier to get back to you that way, and I'm more comfortable working through reviews rather than in the inbox.

And lastly, have fun! Let us enjoy our murderous auras towards Claude Faustus in . . . relative peace.