An Introduction to "ALF"

"Alf" is a popular British children's family comedy hit TV series about an alien crashed down into a house and who's trying to live there until everything's okay for him to go back: which is almost never. "Alf" was broadcasted first for the first time in 1986. One can tell the positive replies it had received were "astonishing", but one who has a wider view can say that it's not a miracle, because "Alf" has a very different plot summary, and had mainly focused children of all ages. Considering these rare facts which can be seen in a TV series, "Alf" had become popular and had come in many seasons, one after the other. Well, comparison of different seasons may show some "spikes" & "surges". But however, "Alf" is still a very popular TV series. Since "Alf" is a story based on an alien landed on earth and it had come out in 1986: 4 years after "E.T.", might also have had influenced the popularity too.

Let's take a 'sneak peek' at the plot summary of "Alf". There lives a very wonderful model British family in a very peaceful area in Britain. Willie & Kate Tanner have two children: Lynn & Brian. Their lives become upside down when a spaceship had crashed into their house. It's not the crash that bothers them, but the cute, funny-looking, furry little alien who comes out of the spaceship. Miraculously, he speaks their language and he tells them that his name is "Alf" and he had come from planet: "Melmac" and they learn a lot about themselves. A govt. agency also had kept an eye on the miraculous crash-down and they are searching for the UFO and the Tanners are the only help which Alf's got. Of course, they aren't going to let them take Alf away and they decide to 'adopt' him. Well, just for the record: an alien from plant Melmac's not the most suitable person to adopt as a kid. (No hard feelings, Alf) Then Alf begins to live with them happily. (Actually, after he had come into their house, Alf had become the only person who's happy.) He usually blows up the kitchen, breaks the TV, loses Willie's money and tries to eat the family cat: Lucky. As Alf claims, cats are like Planet Melmac's 'hamburgers' and they usually like to drink "Cat-juice". (Oh, I'm gonna puke! And if you are not feeling like vomiting in remembrance of 'cat-juice', there's a 90% probability for you to be a Melmacian too!). Well, that's that. Alf's Alf and nobody can change it. It's not like the Tanners wanna change it. But they would like him to behave a little, just for a change. But Alf won't. (Wanna bet a million bucks on that?)

Anyway, despite all the destructions which Alf involves the Tanners with, they love him very much and that's what count's, ain't it?

This novel is specially created for Thathi & Ammi for X-mas 06' and hope you'll love it.

This story is also a teeny-weeny 'stolen good' which is going to be added into the 'Priyan's Oops I stole it again short stories' collection as the 3rd robbed itemand I wish the creators of "Alf" with all my heart, while stealing their characters for an innocent attempt of mine, for a while. (Hope they won't send the FBI after me.)

Then let's go for a little 'Alfie time'!

An Introduction to the Characters

Character Name: Alf

Character Appearance: Short, furry, has a beak-like mouth, cute, funny-looking, age: around 260.

Character Description: Goofy.

Personal Interests: Do something exciting+ blowing up something valuable+ having a cat for dinner+ justifying his own rude behaviors.

The Attitude has on "Alf": The world's greatest alien.

Greatest Mistake: - (Hard to pick one among millions)

Character Name: Willie Tanner

Character Appearance: Tall, slender, has a half-bald head, wears spectacles, age: around 45

Character Description: Innocent, forgiving.

Personal Interests: Have a little peaceful time

The Attitude has on "Alf": Seriouslynot funny.

Greatest Mistake: Trying to teach Alf about reasoning.

Character Name: Kate Tanner

Character Appearance: Medium height & weight, has shoulder-length blond hair, age: around 40

Character Description: Serious,Not forgiving.

Personal Interests: Do her usual tasks without bothers

The Attitude has on "Alf": Irritating, irresponsible, stupid.

Greatest Mistake: Forgiving Alf for everything, in the end (not because of warm heart, but only because of lack of options)

Character Name: Lynn Tanner

Character Appearance: Tall, slender, has a curly & dark brown below-shoulder-length hair, pretty, age: around 18.

Character Description: Innocent, loves to lead her own life, but cares for the family decisions.

Personal Interests: Have her own personal time, enjoying Alf's stupid talks.

The Attitude has on "Alf": Funny (sometimes), cute (always), positively irresponsible, great chatter, TV maniac.

Greatest Mistake: Not taking Alf's behavior, seriously.

Character Name: Brian Tanner

Character Appearance: Medium height for his age, has light-brownish blond hair, cute, age: around 12.

Character Description: Innocent.

Personal Interests: Have a funny time with Alf & helping him to do his 'very serious' tasks.

The Attitude has on "Alf": Absolutely funny & intelligent.

Greatest Mistake: Thinking about Alf as a mentor.

The Story

"Um… Willie?" Kate mumbled, still in bed.

"Umm?" Willie asked without even bothering to open his eyes.

"It's morning."

"So?" Willie asked, a little annoyed, still wanting to sleep a little more.

"Don't you have to go to work today?"

"Of course, I do. I have an important meeting to attend to."

"So, aren't you gonna get off the bed?"

"Why should I?" Willie asked sleepily and irritated. "The alarm had gone off yet"

"It's seven o five," she said, checking the wrist watch on the bedside table.

"Of course honey, I can sleep a little mo… IT"S WHAT?"

"Seven o five," she kept looking at the dial of the wrist watch. The watch's longer hand moved a little bit. "Now… six," she said, correcting herself.

"Good heavens!" Willie jumped off the bed and looked for his slippers. "Why haven't that stupid alarm clock had rung?"

"It may have rung. But we mightn't have heard it?"

"What do you mean we mightn't have heard it? It was right next to you!"

"It's not any more…"

Willie looked at the bedside table, just to realize that the alarm clock wasn't there.

"Where's the darn… who took it?"

They both looked at themselves and muttered: "Alf…"

"Jeez!" Willie found his slippers and got up. "This is insane! I'll have a word with him man to man after I've gone downstairs."

"Actually, its man to alien, honey", Kate said smiling.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever… Speaking of three-feet tall goon machine of disasters, I was wondering why last night was so peaceful. It's like we don't need any alarm clocks. Alf's doing something way off stupid to wake us up normally… but today, why this silence?"

"BANG! CLING! CLANG!" noises coming from downstairs were deafening.

"There he goes again…" Kate said to herself and jumped off the bed shouting: "ALF!"

When they were getting into their dressing gowns, the phone in their bedroom began to ring.

"You go down and check what that stupid alien is up to. I'll get the call…" Willie said.

When Willie was coming down the stairs, he realized that the noises had stopped. He saw Kate, who was looking at the sofa and said, "It was the boss. The meeting is postponed until 10.30. Lucky me."

"Lucky, here boy, here…" he heard Alf's voice. "Here boy, here…"

Willie walked over to where Kate was and looked at the three feet high hairy alien bending in front of the couch, with a milk-filled saucer on his hand. The Tanners' cat: Lucky was hiding under the couch, pressing itself against the wall.

"Alf, what are you doing?" Willie asked.


"Don't 'shh' me inside my own house!"

"Can't you see that I'm trying to give the cat some milk for the breakfast? The poor thing is scared."

"Ha ha… like you care about how Lucky feels… Will you quit it?"

"I can't. I'm obsessed with giving some breakfast."

"No, you want the cat for the breakfast. That's what you are obsessed with…" Kate said.

"Kate, what's that noise we heard?" Willie asked, scanning the living room.

"That…" Kate showed a set of broken pieces of ceramic near the wall, which once had been a vase.

"Oh my…! ALF!"

"What?" Alf asked in tone of answering a person who is bothering him with an unrelated and unimportant thing.

"My mom gave it to me for my last year's birthday?"

"The cat?"

"The vase!"

"Oh, that. It's a simple problem. You are probably going to get a birthday for this year too, aren't you? So, ask for another one like that for this years' birthday. See? Simply solved."

Willie rolled his eyes and Kate went to bring a dustpan to take away the broken pieces.

"Alf, I need you to take some responsibility…"

"Oh sure, I'm very responsible. And… about that vase, Lucky broke it."

"Why do I even bother…" Willie said to himself and turned to go to the kitchen to have his cup of milk.

Suddenly, an alarm clock began to ring from somewhere.

"Hooray!" Alf cried and leaving the milk-filled saucer behind, ran towards the television. Willie saw that their alarm clock was on the TV set. Alf stopped the alarm, switched on the TV, jumped on the couch. Willie went near the TV and took his clock back. He saw the time was 3.30 on the clock.

"Alf, why did you take our clock and why the time is changed?"

"Oh, I like to watch Silver Shadow on Channel 18."

"So? Why change the time?"

"The Cable TV channel's Australian."

"So you changed the time of our clock to Australian time to catch your TV program?"

"Duh. Yeah. Can't you understand even that? You always call yourself so smart…"

"Okay, smart guy, how much is seven times nine?"

"Sixty four thousand eighty three point six."

"And how on earth is that?"

"First you take seven times nine and divide it by three point seven and multiply it by sixteen and…"

"Who told you to divide it by three point seven?"

"Who told me not to?"

"You know what, you make me crazy, Alf" Willie heard Kate's voice. She was removing the broken pieces of the vase.

"No, it's the other way around," said Alf, not taking his eyes away from the TV.

"What do you mean 'other way around'?" Kate asked angrily.

"You see the human race is the craziest set of Aliens I've ever met. You keep your mouths shut when eating; you think burping is a bad habit; you can't even eat half dozen pizzas at a time; you can't even watch TV for eighteen hours straight and the worst thing is, you pet cats instead of eating them. So, you make me crazy."

"I'm going to get dressed…" Willie went upstairs.

"Alf, go and wake up the kids…" Kate said.

"What about my program?"

"It can wait."

"It can't."

"I can switch it off, you know."

"No, you can't. I know about what you do every time I watch TV. So, I've disconnected the main power switch of the TV."

"You did WHAT?"

"It's okay. We've still got the remote."

Kate went near Alf and grabbed the remote from him and switched the TV off. "Now go and wake up the kids, while I make them some breakfast. And after that…"

"… I watch TV"

"No. You fix the TV back!" she said angrily and walked away towards the kitchen.

"Oh! Life's so unfair!" Alf said to himself and get off the couch and walked towards Brian's room.

Brian was soundly asleep when Alf went near him.


"Umm…" he mumbled sleepily.

"Brian, you've got to wake up…"

"Need… to… sleep… more…" he went back to sleep.

"Okay then…" Alf walked away and suddenly began to shout. "Brian! Brian! Peter Pan's on Disney channel!"

"What? Oh! Yeah!" Brain suddenly got off the bed, forgetting his sleepiness and ran towards the TV, passing Alf on the way. He went to the TV and when saw that it was turned off, he looked at Alf with irritation.

"Alf, you tricked me. That's not fair…"

"Life's not fair, Brian. I don't know about it. But that's what your mom always says to me. Now, get yourself ready to go to school…"

Mumbling to himself, he walked away towards the bathroom.

"Mission impossible: waking up Lynn…" Alf said to himself and walked towards Lynn's bedroom.

Suddenly, he began to shout. "Lynn! Lynn! I just switched on MTV. The 'Backstreet Boys' had just split up!"

"What...? When...? Why…?" he heard her voice from inside her bedroom. "What had happened to Nick Carter?" she asked, while opening the door. That's when she saw Alf's goofy smile.

"Ha ha! Got ya!" He said with a snickering laugh.

"That's not very nice, Alf.," Lynn said annoyed. "Try to have a wider view of life, Alf, just for a change, besides pulling up other people's legs all the time and getting into trouble every time…"

"Your dad's really got a wider view of the world. With his glasses, it seems like he has two pairs of eyes…" Alf said, laughing.

"Be serious, Alf," said Lynn.

With a decreasing laugh, Alf began to think.

"Wider view, ay…?" he said to himself as he thought more.

Fully dressed for his meeting, Willie came down the stairs, kissed Kate goodbye and got into the car. As Kate was waving from behind, he turned left through the driveway and disappeared.

"Alf!" Kate called, looking at the attic door, where Alf used to stay in mornings like this, amusing himself with some of his stupid experiments and other moronic stuff he used to call experiments. "Alf! Did you repair the TV switch as I've said?"

There was no response of any kind.


Uh-huh. No reply.

"Oh, what I'm doing?" she said to herself. "He's better off there. Without even the mere sight, I can do my work down here, right… "

Hey, did I just rhyme my words? She thought, as she was readying the vacuum cleaner. Nice. It's a shame that I couldn't do that much when I was at school. I would've even won the first prize for poetry which I always missed…

'Crabbe's Diner' is a popular drive-by restaurant. It was Willie's favorite to pick a snack for mornings. Willie parked the car near the speaker.

"Good morning," said the female voice from the speaker.

"Good morning. A mini Pepsi and a packet of chips to go, please," Willie said.

That's when his phone began to ring and he checked the number. It was his boss. Still keeping the headset connected to his ears, he answered the call. The rear side door's glass shutter opened by a quarter and a different voice could be heard. "Nah… wider view…" he said and opened it more.

"One more please."

"Yes sir?"

"Do you have hotcats?"

"Hot cats, sir?"

"You know, I hate dogs… Got it?"

"So… you want… a hotdog, sir?"

"No, I want a hotcat."

The girl laughed about this silly joke and said, "Sorry, sir. We don't have any hotcats. But I assure you that our hotdogs are very…"

"Have any Catjuice?"

"Orange juice, sir?"

"No. Catjuice. It's the most delicious drink I've ever tasted. Never mind. Got any catburgers? Or catbuns or catcakes?"

The girl giggled. "Sir, I'm sorry we don't have anything related to cats. But if you go to the pet shop…"

"The pet shop?" The voice said, excited. "Are there any cats in there?"

"Plenty," she said, now a little annoyed. "Sir, is that all?"

"Where is it?

"Down this alley. Sir, is that all?"

"Yeah, whatever. You people are the worst in the job."

"I'm sorry sir?" The girl said, with an amused tone.

"It says 'We satisfy your every dining need' on your board. "But you don't even have any catjuice or catcakes. How did you satisfy my needs without a catcake? Whatever. I've had enough. I'm going to the pet shop. Someday they'll be bigger on the job than you will ever be… And for Pinocchio's sake, try to take a wide view of the world."

"Wide view, sir?"

"Like... like, I don't know. Try buying a widescreen video camera for the diner or something. I don't know. You do whatever you like."

There was no reply from the other side. She didn't know what to say. That's when Willie's call was ended and he heard someone blowing his horn from behind and quickly realizing that he was still parking near the speaker and a couple of cars were there, behind him, he drove forward towards the window for providing food. The backside window of the car became shut once again, before the car was parked. Willie paid the price and the girl almost threw the food at him, with a disgusted look on her face. Wondering what on earth the matter with her was, Willie drove away.

When Willie came back to his office after the meeting, he saw a delivery man standing in front of his office room door.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Willie Tanner?" The man asked.


"I've brought here your order."

"My what order?"

"Don't worry. These are the best of them? The best Persian Pedigrees."

"What are you talking about?" Willie asked, with a questioning look.

"About the cats, of course," The man replied.

"What cats?"

"The ones you've ordered."

"I didn't order any cats," he said and in a microsecond, he remembered about the one who would've done the thing. Wait till I get home… he thought, biting his lower lip.

"Look sir, you are Willie Tanner, right? I have five more deliveries to be done within three hours. If I don't, I'm fired. And I don't have much time."

"Cancel the order, then."

"You can't."

"Why can't I?"

"Because it's not my business. I came here because you called our firm. You can solve your problems with our firm the way you want. But I've taken half-day-leave and I'm not taking some cats, to my home."

Willie knew that he has no easy escape. ALF! He thought angrily.

"Okay. How many cats I've ordered?"

"Not much. A dozen."

"A… dozen, right… A WHAT?"

"A dozen. Twelve. Two times six."

"And that's three times four too. I've been in first grade at school. Thank you. But… a dozen! My god!" I'm going to kill that Melmacian!

After solving the problem with cats, Willie sent his hand to the bolt of the door and that's when he heard someone talking inside his room.

How many times I've told Peter not to get into my room and make messes there… he thought and lightly opened the door. The person was taking a phone call.

"Yes… Put that into Mr. Tanner's account… oh… okay… thank you…" and the sound of the receiver being put down could be heard.

"Why… you… biscuit headed maggot!" Willie opened the door, angrily, hearing enough. But what he saw made him scream.


"Oh, Hello, Willie," Alf said. He was sitting on Willie's rotating chair, wearing his hat and one of his extra coats and a tie he had kept in his office cupboard. And he had Willie's computer glasses on too.

"ALF! WHAT ARE YOU…" he screamed and suddenly realizing what he was doing, closed the door behind him and spoke in a lower voice, with gritting teeth. "What are you doing here?"

"The meeting went well?" Alf asked. "Oh… how about my hat? Is it fitting to me well?"

Willie came to Alf and grabbed and took his hat away.

"Yes. I agree with you too. That's not a perfect fit. But you've got to admit that the coat's fine."



"What are you doing here!"

"I'm trying to have a wider view of life," Alf said, looking at Willie through the glasses.

"Not with the glasses."

"Yes, I realized that. That's why I ordered some cats. Um, by the way, you didn't see any delivery boy from 'Pet's 4 U' did you?"

"I want some answers about that too, Alf."

"Oh, is he already here? Where are they?"

"I tried reasoning with him. But I couldn't. It seems like that Willie Tanner had faxed them a signed promissory note of some sort. I've got no choice. I can't keep them here. So, I've told the man to send the cats to our home. And that alone cost me £$3.75."

"Okay. I can have them for dinner, then. Oh, by the way, you have to pay an amount of… (he checked a notepad on the table)… £385.99"


"Yes; with free delivery. Isn't t great?"

"385.99?" Willie repeated, sitting on a chair.

"Yes. I've ordered the best of the best."

"Oh…" Willie rested his forehead on his palm. "Looks like I'm gonna have to do O.T., practically living here for three months…" he said weakly.

"Don't be sad," Alf said. "You will soon get over it. Besides, you can have a lot of fun in here…"

He got off Willie's chair and went neat the photocopy machine, pressed some buttons, lifted the lid and put his face on the scanner. The light beam moved to sides and different freaky faces of Alf began to come out of the machine, printed on paper, with black and white. There were about more two dozen papers on the floor, with some more of Alf's wacky faces on them.

"Why are you doing this?" Willie asked.

"To have a wider view, just like Lynn told me to."

"Have you any idea, what she meant?"

"Of course, I do. Don't be stupid. Now I'm thinking very clearly with the 'wider view' and I've become very philosophical all of a sudden..."

"I can see that."

"I've become more Zhen-like. I've got to thank Lynn for showing me the way to lead to peaceful mind,"

"Okay, Alf, you are making everything peaceful… and as a matter of fact, very peaceful and Zhen-like."

"Ha shui ka gi wan shido belae shee"

"What does that mean?"

"I don't know. I just made that up. But you've got to admit that it sounds very Zhen, doesn't it?"

"Oh, god…"

"He won't probably hear you right now."


"He's gone for lunch now. It's the lunch hour. You can't expect him to listen to all the long-distance god-calls from people all around the world with his headphones on, burn bushes, part seas and create stuff at the same time without any free time for himself? Give him some rest, will ya?"

Willie sighed.

Alf made some more wacky-face photocopies.

"One more thing, Alf. Who were you talking to when I was coming to the office? And what's to be put in to my account?"

"Oh, nothing much. Just the lunch. I've ordered four extra-large family pizzas from your firm's official diner."

"Okay, that's going to cost me about 24 bucks…"


"Yes. But that's thoughtful, at least."

"Yes, it's very thoughtful…" He thought for a moment. "… Why is that thoughtful?"

"Buying food for everyone at home. But it would've been great if you ordered them at the evening before I leave…"

"Who said anything about Kate, Lynn & Brian?"

"But Alf, we can't eat four large…"

"…extra large," Alf corrected him.

"… yes. We can't possibly eat four extra-large family pizzas by ourselves…"

"Who said anything about you? I've ordered a cheese burger and a mini-patty for you. The pizzas are for me."

"Oh… I should've known…" Willie said, sheepishly.

Suddenly, the door opened and a man appeared. He was an elderly man with a bold head. He was a fat man with a huge belly. He had a mustache which had almost turned grey. It seemed like he-himself became all grey when he saw Alf, who had no time for hiding.

"YIKES!" He cried.

"Oh-oh…" Alf muttered under his breath and Willie, who was stunned, didn't know even what to think.

"Willie, what- what's th- that thing?" the man asked.

"That- that-…"

"Daddy, who's the fat guy?" Alf asked suddenly.

"Wh- dad wh…?"

"It's not yet Christmas, Daddy. Why is Santa Claus here now?" Alf asked once again.

Willie still didn't see where everything was going. He still stayed there like one of Madame Tussaide's wax sculptures.

"Willie- that th-thing i-is talking!"

"Hey, Mr. Santa, aren't you suppose to love kids?"

"You talk!"

"Hey, Santa Banta, it's still October. Your hibernating time's not over yet."

"Wh- Hibernate? You hibernate? What a-are you?"

"Can't you guess it by one glance? I'm Brian Tanner. Brian's Willie's son; I mean, I'm his son…" He walked around the table and stood near Willie and smiled. "Don't our faces look the same? Everybody say so."

"He's your son?" The man asked from Willie.

"You are my son?" Willie asked from Alf. Suddenly, it struck him. "I mean, you are my son," he said to Alf. "He's my son," he said to the man. "He's planning to go out on Halloween, Mac. What do you think of the costume?"

The man touched his heart with one hand and sighed with relief. "Oh, Willie. Your son gave me a hell of a fright. What is he playing? 'Teen Wolf'? or 'Nightmare of the Wolf Man'?"

"Actually I'm playing the character of Alf: The Evil Alien Emperor, who comes to earth to destroy people's lives…"

"Ooh, that seems scary," said the man.

"Believe me, he's a life-destroyer alright," Willie said rather truthfully.

"Oh Willie, I came here to get your signature on this," the man said, showing him a file. While Willie was signing the documents, the man asked, "So, kiddo, what are you doing in the costume, early this month?"

"He's giving me a demonstration to destruction," Willie said.

The man looked at the photocopied wacky faces and said, "I can see that…"

"There you go," Willie gave the file to the man and he turned to leave.

"Bye, Santa…" Alf said.

"Alf!" Willie said. "I mean… Brian, behave yourself!"

"Sorry," he said to Willie and turned to the man. "Don't forget to send me a cat for Christmas…"

"Ho! Ho!" He said, smiling and after closing the door behind him, walked away.

"Why couldn't you get the hint for King Louie's sake?"

"Hint? What hint- oh… that…"

"You stood there like mummified Tutankhamen and…"

"Okay, I didn't see where you were going…"

"Where was I going? I was standing right here…"

"I know. I said that I couldn't see where you were going with your talk-."

"Can't you see well, Willie? I think your glasses needs to be changed. I didn't go anywhere. I was standing right here all the time. How on you see things with a wide view if your glasses are not fine?"

"Whatever you say… But Alf, that was a good stunt. Thank you for saving me."

"Don't worry. Alf: The Evil Alien Emperor's at your service. Being intelligent comes all with the 'wider-view package'." He said, smiling.

After work, Willie and Alf were going back home in their car. Alf was hiding below the backseat, in fear of displaying himself for the other Homo Sapiens on the road.

"Willie, can I tell you a joke?" Alf asked.


"I'll take that as a yes. Uhem… Why did the chicken cross the road?" Alf asked the famous joke.

"To get to the other side," Willie replied with the famous answer.


"Then what for?"

"To get itself road-killed"


"Yes. You know the cars are going in these highways in very high speed and there's no way a chicken can cross the road without killing itself. Bam! Chunck! Splat!"

"Why would the chicken cross the road to get itself road-killed?"

"To suicide"

"Why would a chicken suicide?"

"How would I know? I'm not its guidance counselor. Ha! Ha! Isn't that funny? Can I tell another one?"


"Knock, Knock."

"Who's there?" Willie asked, bored.

"It's me."

"Me who?" He still continued the boring kids' joke, boringly.

"Alf. I am Alf."

"What?" Willie asked.

"'The word I' is used to refer to oneself as speaker or writer. 'Me' is the objective case of I. So, I=Me. Since the speaker is me: Alf, it implies that "I"="Me"="Alf". So, it implies that I am Alf. And Alf, who is 'I' had been the one who had been knocking to your door. Got it?"


Now the Tanners were having their dinner. Lynn and Brian are back from school. Kate had finished her chores. Willie & Alf are back from office and they are all back at home. Kate had given Alf a verbal treatment for the dangerous stunts he had done plus for the cats. Lynn and Brian had spend their time, catching the escaped cats after they've come from school and they are back in the box, with two plates of milk inside. Lucky was circling around the box, wondering why some of his relations staying inside the box were.

Alf took a bean, tossed it up and caught it with his mouth. "Tada!" Alf said.

"Will you stop playing with your food?" asked Kate.


"Because it's bad."

Brian also tossed a bean up. It fell on his head and bumped away.

"See?" Kate said.

"What I'm supposed to do if he's bad at good dining manners?"

"Let me guess," said Lynn. "Playing with your food in the dinner table are in the list of Melmacian good manners?"

"That's right," said Alf.

"All of the bad things in earth are the best in Melmac. Or are you telling us about them, because you want an excuse for yourself to be rude as possible?"

"What am I supposed to do if humans are a bunch of disgusting animals, which are not even dreamt of being civilized?"

"You are saying that burping, playing 'catch' with food, talking with your mouth full and all around bad-habbits are your planets' politest behaviors?"


"I can imagine how Melmac looks like…" Brian said.

"Brian, I'm glad that you understand-…" Kate tried to talk.

"Melmac'd be really cool," Brian said, cutting short his mum in mid-sentence.

"See, you've really ruined his mind, Alf," said Lynn.

"Not guilty," Alf said, raising his right arm.

Then all of them began to have their dinner, silently, except Alf. Most of the time, he made rude noises when he's eating.

"Alf, you don't have to make those awful noises," said Lynn.

"No. Don't worry. That's okay. I don't mind," he said coolly and continued ruining others' appetite.

Beans weren't in the top 10 list of Alf's favorite foods. In fact, it wasn't even in the top100 list. Because almost 65 of the top list was filled with various kinds of foods related to nothing but cats. He couldn't make up his mind and eat a bunch of meaningless beans when he was in the sight of a boxful of some yummy cats.

"Alf, you are having beans tonight," said Kate demandingly. "And don't look at that box."

"Brian," Alf said. "If your dad's brought home a dozen hamburgers from McDonald's with extra cheese and if your mom demands that you have to eat spinach with boiled eggs for the night, how would you feel?"


"Kate, listen to your kid. He knows how I feel."

"To be honest, you don't feel anything. And by the way, nobody's going to have any cats for dinner!"

"There are dozen cats in our living room-…"

"… and I've paid 385.99 for it…" Willie said, still sober-looking.

"… well, that's very generous of you, Willie," Alf said.

"Why you little life-demolishing cat eater!" Willie growled angrily and waved his fork across the dinner table, towards Alf.

Alf ducked in an instant. "Whoa, Willie!" he said. "You must not let anger take over your self. Take a deep breath and inhale and exhale with me. One, two, three…" Alf inhaled.

"Puh!" Willie snorted.

Alf exhaled.

"One, two, three…"

"Stop it, Alf…!"

"Okay. But I was just trying to help you…"

"You've helped me very well for today and that's enough!"

"Okay, since you have got my help, enough, I'd go there and help myself…" He wiped his mouth with the tablecloth when nobody's watching and got off the chair. He left the dinning table and walked towards the box. Knowing very well about Alf, Lucky, who was circling around the box, hid behind it.

"Don't worry, juicy. I will not hurt you in any way and I will protect you from all troubles. I will climb the highest mountain and cross the widest river for you…" he touched the box and in a lower tone, he finished his sentence. "… until I'm done with your friends here. Lucky, after that, you won't be much lucky anymore. Ha! Ha!"

"Alf, you are not touching that box!" Kate said warningly, for she had a better view at Alf, straight from where she stayed at the dinner table.

"Okay, I'll use gloves then. Big deal."

"You are not using any gloves either!"


"No! You are not using your hands in any way!"

"In that case, I'll kick it towards the kitchen."

"You are not going to have anything to do with it anymore. We're selling the cats or we are going to donate them."

"Donate them to me then."

"Alf, what did I tell you about having a wider view of life?" Lynn asked.

"Everything I've done today is all about having a wider view of life. Now I'm looking at life in a new prospective, in a new point of view: an intelligent one... "

"Very intelligent," muttered Kate.

"Lynn, thank you for the advice you've given to Alf," said Willie. "But that wider view thing is getting into my nerves. Today, he wriggled into my car and came to my office, exposed himself to a dozens of people in my office, nearly scaring one and he destroyed my photocopy machine, after printing a 200 half-sheets pack, photocopying his stupid face, which would cost me about £400 to fix it. He ordered 4 large family pizzas…"

"Extra large," Alf corrected him.

"Right," said Willie. "Four extra large family size pizzas, a hamburger and a mini patty," costing me about £24 and…"

"25.99," Alf corrected him again.

Willie kept talking, ignoring him. "… and he bought a dozen Persian cats which cost me £400…"

"Actually it's 385.99."

"And it cost me 3.75 bucks to send them to me…"

"… and I had a hell of a time, catching cats since morning, because of that," said Kate, joining Willie.

Willie wasn't finished with his talking. "And all of that had cost me a total of… about… £800."

"Actually, it'd be £815.73,"

Willie still continued his list. "And normally, Crabbe's Diner's employees are very friendly and some of them even know me a little, because I'm one of their daily customers. And today, one of the girls almost threw the bag of food at me, giving an angry glance. Without a doubt, Alf must have said something while I was having that phone call from boss. And all of that is because you've tried to have a wider view of life," he said to Alf. "I'm begging you. No… more… wider views… ever!"

"Just stick to the narrow ones of yours, PLEASE!" said Kate.

A noise in the middle of the night woke all Tanners up. Then the noises were multiplied, both in the size and the type.


They heard cats making noises with fear and they heard things falling down, glasses breaking and a set of various deafening noises with a single voice, shouting.

"Come to me, yummy babies. I'm not gonna hurt ya, just wanna eat ya!"

"Did I say the total cost is £800?" Willie asked from Kate, still staying on the bed. "Better multiply it by 2."

They heard more noises.


"JEEZ!" Willie cried and jumped out of bed. Kate followed, saying, "Better replace the '2' of that multiplication with a '3' or a '4'…" SLANG! SLING! SLAM! WHAM! "…or a '5'.." Kate quickly corrected herself according to the updated possible closeness.

Without even getting into their dressing gowns, they ran down the stairs, screaming, "ALF!"