Chapter 1

I work with toddlers I am not an English major. I also have a bad problem of switching what person I type in. Always got yelled at in English class for it and most of the time I don't even see myself doing it so sorry in advance.

I am also going to try to make these updates a bit longer then my other story. But that also means updates will probably been every few days maybe even weekly. I could do daily again but that would mean 2-3k chapters probably. I am going for 7-10k for this story. I have no idea where it is going and how it will get there but that makes it all the better.

AGAIN - BIG WARNING: Rated M for a reason, Language, Drug Use, and Various other unhappy thoughts will be present in this story. You have been warned.

Bella's POV

I can't believe it has been 3 years already. My life really has taken a turn for the worse. I guess nothing could really get any worse then how it has been but now it is no longer major events destroying my existence but the constant reminders, and the daily grind of life. I wish I could go back to high school and change how stupid I was and how I let myself fall in love with someone like him, and how I could have been so stupid with my life and my future.

~~~~~~ Flashback~~~~~~

Edward had just left and I had been spending everyday with Jake and the guys down at La Push. I missed him so much but I couldn't even bring myself to think about him. I knew Jake was worried about me not only because of the fact I had lost almost 20lbs but because I had also picked up some nasty habits. Jake hated that I drank, he even dumped many of my bottles down the drain just to show me how much he hated what I was doing to myself. The night he came into my room and saw me passed out on the floor and saw the bag of cocaine sitting under the edge of my bed was the last straw for him. He felt he had no other choice and called Billy and talked him into calling the Cullens to try to get me help. He knew what Charlie would think if he came home to me like that so he grabbed the bag and carried me back to his house. To say that Billy was pissed about involving the Cullens would have been an understatement but he also knew that I needed the closure, or at least that was what they all hoped would help snap me out of this.

I woke up the next day in the Cullens house and I was shocked and furious at the same time. Jake was irate at me for obvious reasons and I couldn't even bring myself to look at him. Stupid Jake, why did you have to come over. I never told him but I was pretty sure he knew I was trying to kill myself. I had given up caring about Edwards promise asking me to not do anything stupid. I saw no point to keep my promise to him if he wasn't going to keep his to me. I was nothing to him, a useless blood bag. Why waste my life caring, but the thing was I couldn't not care. I flipped out at Jake asking him why he would bring me here.

That was when I heard them. Emmett came running into the room and hugged me pleading with me saying how sorry he was for what had happened. Rose even said a half way decent apology about how she didn't think it would effect me as badly, and how it had upset the family so much. I saw Alice and Jasper behind them in the doors. Alice had tears that would never fall in her eyes. She came running in after Emmett let me go spouting out how sorry she was, how Edward had demanded her to not look at my future, and then once the wolfs were around she couldn't even see it if she wanted to. She felt like crap about not seeing this happen and not being here for me. I knew she ment it but I still wanted to hate them all. I was starting to feel as though my life was back, and that everything would be okay. It wasn't until then that I noticed I had an IV attached to the bed next to me. Carlisle walked in looking at me with the most bewildered face I had ever seen on him. He was upset with me I could tell, but worried, and mad, and sad all at the same time. It didn't suit him to look like this he was always so composed. He told me I would have died if Jake hadn't found me when he did. I looked around and noticed Edward was nowhere to be found.

Between his absence and the fact I should be dead like I had wanted to be, I flipped out, yelling and screaming at them all how I wanted to be dead. I pulled the IV out of my arm not caring about the blood that started to drip and got up off of the bed and found the strength to get myself out of the house. Once outside though I realized I was an idiot. I had no car and no way to get home. I didn't care enough to even stop and started to walk towards the road.

I got a few miles away to the strip mall and went to the first place that had caught my eye. The liquor store. Lucky for me my jeans still had some cash and my lovely fake ID I had gotten right after they left. I needed it for this exact reason. I grabbed a bottle of 151 figuring it would cut the pain nicely right now. In all the concern and love they tried to show none came after me, and Edward still was nowhere to be seen. I opened the bottle and took a large gulp and walking the rest of the way back to my house. Somehow I managed to not get arrested for public drunkenness and I got back to my house. I opened the door and saw Edward standing there in front of me. The look of sadness in his face killed me. I did the only thing my mind could process at the time and stumbled over to him kissing him trying to push him back against the wall. My feeling for him hadn't changed, I still loved him as much as I hated him, and I knew exactly what I wanted from him.

I wanted to say that we both wanted what had happened that day, but from my memory what little I had it seemed that way. I felt as though he was back and he loved me again and we could be together. When we had sex that afternoon it was almost perfect. Well as perfect as it could have been with him leaving a few giant handprints on my thighs and various other body parts. It hadn't hurt that much when it was going on but the next day my body was showing me just how human I was and how much he really could have broken me or killed me.

I almost wished he would have. I thought my life was turning around though and I couldn't have been more wrong.

I found out he really no longer gave a fuck about me a few weeks later when I called to talk to him about something and he wouldn't answer. I needed to talk to him, I had to. I was late, and I had taken a pregnancy test and in some fucked up reality it was positive. I hadn't slept with anyone since him or for months before him. Well he was only the second guy I had been with, and it was only my second time so I knew it was his. I had no idea how and why but I knew it was his. There wasn't a doubt in my mind and I needed to talk to him, no one would understand but him. Here I was trying to call him to tell him what was going on and he wouldn't answer.

I was almost 4 months along at the time, and had been calling him every couple of days hoping he would answer. Eventually he did, and I regret ever calling him that day. I had never been called as many names and as horrible of things as he did that day. He told me I had been a pity fuck and that he wanted nothing to do with me. He told me to just kill the baby and be done with it, and if I didn't he would do it for me if he ever saw us again. He wouldn't be back and he sure as hell was having nothing to do with whatever was growing inside of me. He told me I had better stay away from his family, and never to call or speak to them again or it would be the last day I ever lived on this earth. I had never feared him before that day and now I knew what they all ment when Jake and all the guys told me how evil they all were and I knew now I was going to be doing this alone.

I had told Charlie that it was some guy from a party. He had a feeling how out of control my drinking was but I never did it at home. I was always gone, so as much as he hated it he really didn't say much to me. Once I told him though he did what any good father was. He helped me to find a doctor, to clean up my act and to get ready to be a good mom, I was only 19. I had never expected my life to be so like my mothers, having a baby young and then raising it alone. Charlie kept telling me I wouldn't be alone but I knew I would.

I had even lied to Jake and the whole pack about who the father was. After that day I didn't visit Jake for a few weeks. I couldn't, I knew the bruises would make him kill whoever it was and since I was saying it was a human boy it would have ment he had been way to rough to leave marks like that. When I finally did make it down to La Push I found that Jake no longer wanted anything to do with me. My lack of communication since I had flipped out at him for saving my life had put me on his shit list. I had been ungrateful about what he had done to help me and to him I wasn't worth it anymore. I was too much for him to emotionally handle and it was "good for him". I sat in my truck and cried for almost an hour when Billy came out and told me he was sorry but I needed to leave the property. He would call Charlie if I needed a ride.

I couldn't say anything and told him to tell Jake I was sorry, and that I still wished for him to be the babies godfather. That got enough of Billy's attention to make Jake come outside and talk to me. We talked for a few hours and Jake kept trying to get the name of the person from me. I told him I was to drunk to remember the guys name and was just happy I remembered it was consensual sex. Jake and I tried to stay friends but by the time I was 7 months we were lucky to speak every other week.

I was due any day now when I got the phone call from the police department telling me that Charlie had been shot. I was in the hospital giving birth when I found out I really did not mater to Jake anymore. I had called my only friend when I went into labor asking him to be there. He never showed up to see me but had been on the other floor when my father had passed away. He never came to visit me those days after. I buried Charlie 3 days after giving birth, Jake didn't come to the funeral.

I later found out he had imprinted.. She was good from him, and I hoped she treated him well. I had heard that as much as she understood how much he cared for his friend, she couldn't deal with the constant 24/7 attention to me was not okay with her. He knew he couldn't stay in my life, and that was the end of it. We had only spoken once in the 2 months before I went into labor, I had just hopped that things would change. I was wrong but it was not something I was going to push on Jake or his new imprint. It was not fair of me to expext that from him, he had already helped me looking back in more ways then I could have expected, even if I didn't see it then.

I named my son Anthony Masen Swan. That was the start of my new life.

I moved later that month up to Seattle. I didn't have enough money for a big move, but after I had sold the house and basic things I had enough to buy what Anthony needed and a vehicle that would hopefully be trouble free for a few years. It was nothing special but it was a leftover that I got a nice deal on and new. At that point I had been trying to keep my head up and think positive about my future.

I had no idea what would happen to a 19 year old mom. I had daycare to pay for while I tried to work, only to barley make enough to cover daycare let alone my bills. I was already eatting into my savings. I moved into a new place that was cheaper but in a horrible area of town, but saving almost $400 a month in rent made it worth it. I could afford food for me now too not just for my son. He had and will always come first.

~~~ End Flashback ~~~

I had been at this job for 2 years now while working on finishing up school and trying to keep my little household afloat. I had failed though when today I lost my temper with a coworker who just so happened to be sleeping with the boss. It didn't matter he was married, he still had picked her side and that left me now standing in this line at the unemployment office to file for something in hopes that I would be able to make ends meet. I also had made appointments at WIC and welfare but found out that Anthony was too old for WIC now, and welfare told me to come back after I was done here and knew what my "income" would be every month. I hated to rely on the system. I felt like crap doing it. I had only 1 more semester of school left and I knew I would have to drop out. I still had to go and apply for loans, maybe somehow I could get a scholarship or something to help me pay for the last little bit. I wasn't planning to get my hopes up but I had to at least try. I needed to make something of myself and for Anthony. I wouldn't let him down.

I was driving between the one office when I car came flying threw a red-light, the next thing I remember was waking up in the hospital being looked at by a set of gold eyes.

I did the only thing my mind could and I passed out.

I woke up later and saw a nurse in the room with me. I had a tube in my throat and couldn't talk so I did my best to move my arm, that I now noticed as well was broken around to get her attention. The rise in my heart rate did and she looked down. I drew with my hand in the air trying to write and she brought me a pencil. In my best wrong handed font I wrote.

Who is my doctor?

She told me my doctor was Dr. Cullen. Well so I hadn't lost my mind, it had been Carlisle who had seen me. My mind started to race, he couldn't see me, he would see Anthony, he would ask questions. Oh god, no no no no. He looked just like Edward, I couldn't have this I had to leave. Oh yea they were so going to let me leave. I tried to grab her arm as she left, and I wrote.

I really need to talk can this come out?

She looked up at me and told me she would go ask Dr Cullen.


I quickly scribbled on the paper. It was then she asked me if I wanted another doctor and I sighed and I wrote.

Yes, I dated his son and it ended bad. Please don't let him in here.

It was quick and simple and I hopped she would get this tube out and I could get home. Oh god home, Anthony.

I grabbed the paper again writing –

Where is my son?

I heard her calling out in the hallway but couldn't hear it all. I saw Renee walk into the room holding Anthony and I started to cry. Thank god he was okay. I hadn't spoken to my mom since she had flipped out about my drinking but I was so happy to see her and know it was going to be okay. She sat down next to the bed with Anthony asleep on her lap. My mom had no idea who his father was, she had found out at the funeral that I was pregnant, and that I had had a son. It was a minor shock that hadn't helped the growing distance between us.

"Bella don't worry, it will be okay" she told me and I smiled the best I could. "Bella the nurse told me you don't want Carlisle to see you anymore, are you sure? I gave her a thumbs up and she called the nurse back in. Shortly later the nurse came back with a new doctor and they took out my tube. Oh god did that hurt. I couldn't even talk with it out yet. I sat there sipping water for a while when I heard some yelling in the hallway. Thankfully Reene got up to close the door.

"Mom has Carlisle seen you or Anthony? I asked, pleading to myself for a no.

"No honey I just picked him up from daycare an hour ago, we just got here right when the nurse was coming in the last time" she told me. Wow that was close.

"Okay, it's just I never told them all, and I don't want them to know about him and what happened after they left. I don't want them to feel bad" I lied to her hoping she would understand.

The doctor came back in not that much later and was happy to see my progress. My lung had deflated when my rib hit it which is why I had the tube, and besides that and a broken arm, lots of brusies and a very sore hip I was not in that bad of shape. He had wanted me to stay the night but somehow my mom got him to bring the papers for me to be discharged against doctors orders. I guess she had realized how uncomfortable I was about Dr. Cullen being here and wanted to get out of here.

She was wheeling me out when I heard Carlisle call over to us "Bella wait"