Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling. This story is merely my way of saluting her. I do not own any of these characters; I just manipulate their thoughts.

-x-

Seventh year. The year of NEWTs, career choices, teary farewells, pranks, and final thoughts. The year of raging hormones. The year Sirius Black started to notice Remus Lupin. The year he was going to seduce his wolf.

To be fair to Sirius, he hadn't started off the school year with seduction in mind. In fact, seducing Remus never even entered Sirius' wildest dreams - and everyone knows he has pretty wild dreams. Always about girls though. Being the promiscuous type and having devastatingly handsome lips had earned Sirius his fair share of love interests. Again, always girls. So what caused the slight shift from skirt lifter to shirt lifter?

Let's find out, shall we?

Oh, you want to know who I am? Just an omnipresent viewer, observing and reporting everything I saw that year. Not a voyeur. Not a peeping Tom. No, not Merlin. I'm just me. And whenever me sees fit, she will add her own thoughts to Sirius' actions and Remus' words. Because she, is me, is I. And I'm the one telling the story. I cannot read minds. I cannot see the future. I cannot disregard the smuttiness that is the essence of this story. I will not bear the brunt of the blame for the silliness that is to ensue. I cannot change the facts. And once you hear this story, you will be glad that I did not change the facts. You may call me a liar, you may call me a creep, you may call me an angel, you may call me a demon. I am me, me is she, and she watched Remus Lupin get his brains fucked out by Sirius Black. Want to know how? Of course you do. Perverts.

It all began where it always seems to begin - on the Hogwarts Express. Fade to scene.

"Fuck, just shove it in!"

"I can't."

"Try harder."

"It's too big!"

"Ow! Not so bloody hard!"

"You just asked me to shove it in harder!"

"Not that hard, you ponce!"

The compartment door shot open to reveal Remus' shuddering figure. Tears slid down his eyes as he tried to quell his laughter by biting down on his tongue painfully. "Please stop moaning. It sounds like you two are having sex," he gasped, bursts of laughter rolling out of him.

Our thoughts exactly, Remus. So what were they doing?

James was sitting on the bench, his knees folded up under him and leaning towards Sirius - one hand tangled into the jet black hair that was pulled into a disregarded ponytail while the other hand tugged at Sirius' ear. Sirius' eyes were streaming with tears as well, remarkably mirroring Remus, but for different reasons entirely. He was trying to sit still, his head tilted to one side and his fingers clutching the edges of the seat painfully. James was biting his lip in concentration, going cross-eyed as he tried to push the earring into Sirius' earlobe.

Yes, they were just trying to fit the earring into the small perforation. Get your minds out of the filthy sewers. It's not even five hundred words yet. Goddamn teenagers.

"Oh for heaven's sakes!" Remus laughed, clutching the doorframe for support. "I thought I was going to walk in on you guys. Which got me wondering what the hell happened this summer. Which got me thinking about how much you guys were hiding from me. Which got me imagining you guys having sex. And now I'm right back to where I started."

"Shut up and help me," James mumbled, unsuccessfully pushing the earring into Sirius.

Sirius had had enough as he wrenched his head out of James' hands. "Yes, Moony, you do it. James can't see worth shit," he said, glowering at James.

"Just wait for me to calm down, okay?" Remus gasped, brushing away his tears and dragging his bag and trunk into the compartment. He sat down heavily on the seat facing Sirius and James, trying to catch his breath. James shoved the earring into Remus' hand, grumbling. "And why exactly do you want this in your ear?" Remus asked. This being a black opal gemstone no bigger than the size of a housefly.

"Because it's mine," Sirius said in an affected tone.

I imagine it's because Sirius had been kicked out of Grimmauld Place by his parents last year and was left with next to nothing – this earring being the 'next to' part of it.

Remus nodded, not pushing on any further. He switched spots with James, eyeing Sirius' reddened earlobe. "You're right… James can't see worth shit," he murmured, inspecting Sirius. He earned a sharp kick to the shin for that comment from James, who increased his grumbling. Remus gently touched Sirius' ear with his wand, muttering a healing charm to reduce the redness and the pain.

Sirius heaved a sigh of relief. "Yeah, ever heard of magic, you prick?" he asked James with a scowl.

Obviously James had, because he had his wand out and was in the process of hexing Sirius. Remus lazily threw a Protego at James, stopping the hex from getting any nearer than a meter from Sirius. "Not on the train, you guys," he said, inserting the earring while Sirius was distracted. Sirius hissed with pain and clutched his ear to find the opal fit firmly in place. His scowl of pain turned to a grin of success.

"Oh, I could kiss you, Remus," Sirius said blissfully.

Did he, you wonder? Why, yes… He did.

Remus' protest was lost in Sirius' extravagant lips. Sirius' hands were on Remus' cheeks, pushing in with fervor. Those devastatingly handsome lips took Remus' inexperienced ones, bruising them enthusiastically. And then –

Wait, what? That's it? That was, like, three seconds. That was the earth-shattering kiss? Damn it!

And then Sirius pulled away with a gratifying pop. Remus toppled onto his back, staring up at the bunker on the ceiling. He was also blowing a raspberry, trying to get rid of Sirius' spit from inside his mouth. "Bleh!" He wiped his mouth frantically with his sleeve.

Personally, I think he wanted to wipe his tongue too. But that'd be we – oh.

He even wiped his tongue with his sleeve. James was rolling on the bench, seized with convulsing laughter at his two best friends. "Brilliant!" he wheezed, clutching his stomach.

Not brilliant enough. I demand more!

"Come on, Moony, admit it. Was it all that bad?" Sirius asked, perking his eyebrows at Remus' melodramatic gestures.

Remus propped up on his elbows, scowling at Sirius. "Yes, it was all that bad," he said.

"It's just one of the ways I show my gratitude," Sirius responded, winking.

I'd like a serving of gratitude, please.

"Ugh!" Remus shuddered, blowing a raspberry again. "Thank you is good enough for me."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah," Remus grumbled, sitting up. He stretched dolefully, groaning as he flopped languidly against the back of the seat. "Last year, you guys…" he said.

James sighed. "Don't remind me."

"What? I think it's amazing!" Sirius quipped, his brown eyes shining and his lips splitting into a grin.

"You would. Your parents aren't pestering you about what they want you to do next year. Mine are," James said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius laughed handsomely. "It's true! I've never felt so invigorated! They can't tell me shit!"

"Hey, Moony! Wanna see something cool?" James asked, smiling slyly.

"I don't know. Do I?" Remus asked in a calculating tone.

"Yeah, you do," Sirius said, nodding at James.

In a flash, James pulled out his red and gold Head Boy badge. He dangled it in front of Remus with a smug smile on his face. Remus' eyes grew wide. "Oh my gosh! No way!" Remus said, grabbing the badge from James' hand. "Awesome!" He gushed over the palm-sized golden emblem, twisting it every which way to inspect it thoroughly. "Who's Head Girl?" he asked, staring at this reflection in the polished badge. He was met with silence. "Hmm?" he asked, looking up at James. "Oh… Oh! Oh my gosh! No. Way!" he said again, louder than ever. "Lily? Could you get any luckier?"

"Yeah, I could. If she would just go out with me," James grumbled, pouting.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. How come you're sitting here with us?" Remus asked, reluctantly handing back the Head Boy badge to James.

"I don't think she wants me to sit with her," James said pitifully.

Doesn't your heart just break at unrequited love?

"Quit whining," Sirius said glibly, rolling his wand in his fingers.

"I will when she agrees to go out with me," James said stubbornly.

"You have everything going for you, James," Remus said dejectedly. "I have no clue what I'll be doing next year. You'll probably be an Auror, fighting evil and I'll be sitting at home, reading a book."

"Nothing wrong with reading books," James said distractedly, pinning his badge onto his school robe. "How do I look?" he asked, puffing up his chest and looking off into the imaginary sunset.

"Smashing," Sirius proclaimed. Remus nodded in agreement.

"Good," James said, looking satisfied.

I don't want to go through the entire train ride because frankly, it does not pertain to this story. Suffice to say, Sirius had yet to notice Remus. I know, right? Even after kissing him, Sirius had yet to notice Remus.

Fade to scene.

"Oh, boy, I'm stuffed," James said, patting his stomach as he set down his knife and fork.

The Great Hall was filled with chatter and laughter and friends met again after a short two months. Teachers mingled amongst themselves. First years looked horrified. Second years looked considerably less so. Third years were actually comfortable in their seats. Fourth years were throwing food at each other. Fifth years were trying to look prim and proper with their Prefect badges. Sixth years were chatting languidly amongst themselves. Seventh years were scarfing down food like it was the last time they would ever get anything to eat… Ever.

"I can imagine. You just had three helpings," Frank said, rolling his eyes.

"What? I was hungry," James said, trying to justify himself.

"Yeah. With that never ending pit for a stomach, it's a wonder you stay so thin," Sirius said loudly.

I think he was trying to drag Lily's attention to James' physique. I might be wrong though.

Lily hid her smile in her goblet of pumpkin juice.

It worked.

"So, what shenanigans are you planning on doing tonight?" Alice asked.

"Hey, hey, hey, I'm Head Boy. No more shenanigans for me."

Silence.

Lily snorted out her juice, laughing without inhibition. Remus and Sirius soon joined her, hooting. James looked miffed as he folded his arms in front of his chest, glaring at his friends.

It was pretty funny. James without shenanigans was not James at all. Sirius had yet to notice Remus. I know, right? Even after seeing the lightly ruffled light brown hair rustle and the soft lips being pulled up into an innocent grin, Sirius had yet to notice Remus.

Fade to scene.

James and Peter were on the common room couch, chattering the night away about their summer months. Sirius was nodding off in front of the fire, his arms holding Vera with her back against his chest as he placed his head on her shoulder. It was past twelve and James had sent all the Gryffindors to bed with a stern look that vaguely resembled his father. The seventh years brushed him off, cracking open bottles of Butterbeer and talking quietly in the warm room.

Such a nostalgic atmosphere.

"GAH!"

"Holy sh –"

"What the f –"

"Er… Sorry, just a dream."

"Remus, you little fuck! I almost died," Sirius gasped, clutching his heart as he keeled over in fright.

Vera was giggling on the floor, waiting for Sirius to catch his breath. Soft titters sounded from across the room. Remus staggered off the armchair, shaking off his sleep. "Sorry, must've fallen asleep."

"Yeah, no shit," Sirius swore, taking in a calming breath. "Next time, keep your nightmares to yourself," he said, sitting upright.

"You don't have to stay up," James grumbled, quieting his frightened heart too.

"R – right. I'm just gonna – um… good night, then," Remus stammered, stumbling out of the common room in mortification.

"What a baby," Sirius muttered, settling back down with Vera.

Sirius had yet to notice Remus. I know, right? Even after seeing his hesitant eyes and fumbling feet, Sirius had yet to notice Remus.

Fade to scene.

"Wake up. You're late!" Remus said, nudging Sirius's arm with his elbow.

"Late for what?" Sirius groaned, flipping over on his bed and covering his head with his comforter.

"Food."

"Right," Sirius yawned, falling asleep.

Remus shrugged at James, who'd just appeared in the dorm room. James shrugged back, winking at Remus. They whipped the blanket off of Sirius, watching him shiver against the cold the instant the warmth left his feet. "This is so not fair," Sirius whined. "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want. And today, I want to sleep," he said as he sat up grumpily.

"Today is the first day. No way are we letting you sleep in," James said, dragging Sirius off of the bed. Remus pushed Sirius into the bathroom, closing the door after Sirius had made it inside.

Then he sighed, rolling his eyes at James. "Bet you a Galleon he's asleep already," he said, leaning against the doorframe.

James grinned. "You're on."

Remus pounded on the door with his fists. He was met with a loud yelp and a thud. He grinned, holding out his palm. "Cough it up." James laughed, handing over the gold coin. The door burst open, revealing a furious Sirius with a killer headache.

"What the hell!"

"Just wanted to make sure you weren't sleeping in there," Remus said nonchalantly, fingering the large coin.

"Hmph," Sirius huffed, slamming the door shut in his friends' faces.

Sirius had yet to notice Remus. I know, right? Even after seeing the devilish glint in the soft grey eyes and the slight smirk that brought out a small dimple, Sirius had yet to notice Remus.

Fade to scene.

"Why did I let you guys talk me into Arithmancy?" James groaned. Peter groaned with him, nodding in agreement.

"It's an easy class," Sirius said, swaggering down the crowded hall.

"And it's important to learn," Remus added.

"How the hell is it easy and why the fuck is it so important?" James carped.

"Just trust us, okay?" James rolled his eyes. Remus grinned at Sirius and continued, "Besides, I hear Lily Evans is going to drop Divination and take Arithmancy too." Now James eyes popped open with his mouth.

"What? Oh my gosh, you guys are the best!" he crowed in delight.

"We know," Sirius said, winking at Remus.

Right then, a whirlwind of blond hair, black robes, and warm hands rushed at Remus, throwing him against the wall. James and Sirius pulled out their wands, wild eyed. They got even more wild eyed –

As if that were even possible.

- when they saw Remus making out with the blond.

What the fuck!

"What the fuck?" Peter squealed.

"Yeah, what the fuck?" James shouted.

"You have something on your face!" Sirius exclaimed.

The blond pulled away from Remus, resting her forehead on –

Oh yeah, it's a girl.

- Remus', grinning sheepishly as she licked her lips. "Sorry, you were looking way too cute. Couldn't resist," she said, her arms still wrapped around his neck.

"Um… Right," Remus said, trying not to grin foolishly. He planted an airy kiss on her lips before extracting himself from her grip. "Er… This is Astrid. She – um, we…"

"You have a bloody girlfriend?" James yelled. "You have a girlfriend you didn't tell us about?"

"Y – yeah. Sorry."

Oh sure, now Sirius starts noticing Remus. For the love of Pete! (I don't know who Pete is.) Sirius noticed Remus' glazed eyes and his faint blush. He noticed his unruly hair that fingers had weaved through so easily. He noticed the slightly pink lips that was still moist. I think he just realized that Astrid was right, Remus did look too cute. All it took was Remus' girlfriend to point it out to Sirius. That's just bloody fantastic… (That's sarcasm, by the way.)

Fade to black.