This is an incredibly fluffy fic written for Quantum Witch for her birthday. It may give you cavities. You may get diabetes if you go see the version illustrated by Rhaeii here: http: / community. livejournal. com/ lower_tadfield /964003. html .
Uriel, Archangel of the Presence, was never known for thinking out things before actually doing them. After all, in his estimation, the Presence of the Lord would undoubtedly assure that everything would work out just fine; that was the rather the whole point.
So he saw nothing wrong with the horde of adorable fuzzy creatures he kept in a small house in Limbo. He had a vast collection of everything from little kittens to bear cubs; anything was welcome so long as it was cute.
That being said, he had a specialty: bunnies. And not merely bunnies easily found on Earth; no, his absolute favourite kinds were two specific breeds found exclusively in Heaven and Hell – Celestial bunnies, and Demonic rabbits. He especially loved making them live together, because it always made him giggle to watch them interact and be completely befuddled by it.
However, a trademark of Demonic rabbits is that they are, in fact, demonic, and as such are not known for playing nice (they are, however, known for breathing fire.)
"And so apparently his Demonic rabbits rebelled against him," Aziraphale said tentatively, feeling more and more awkward as Crowley's gaze did not change from being horrified. "He's busily trying to quell it, but you know him."
"Merciless and pitiless?" Crowley supplied.
"Against demons," Aziraphale corrected. "Be as it may that these are Demonic rabbits, they're still rabbits. He's trying his best to arrange a peace treaty, but in the meantime he didn't want any of the others being hurt."
"And so he gave you…" Crowley helplessly gestured to the white bundle in Aziraphale's arms. "Lunch?"
To Crowley's surprise, the white bundle gave him a Look; quite an expert one at that.
"She hasn't got a name, but it certainly isn't that," Aziraphale said stuffily, holding the floppy-eared white bunny closer. "From what I've been told, she's a Celestial bunny who is only a month or two old." To Crowley, that explained the Look, as only something angelic could possibly have mastered it at such a young age. "But she'll be living here for a spell, at least until Uriel gets his situation under control, so I expect you to be on your best behaviour."
Aziraphale nuzzled her, and she began purring in contentment. Her halo began shining just a bit, showing off the faint cream-coloured symbol for eternity that adorned her forehead. Crowley reached inwardly to begin an epic battle against the forces of angelic cuteness; a battle which, if he had been paying attention, he had already lost millennia ago.
"You can't possibly plan on keeping her," the demon protested as a last-ditch effort to avoid compromising his manly demonic dignity, "I mean, what about your books?"
"I'll teach her to love them," Aziraphale said fondly, although Crowley knew full well that that wasn't so much a promise as it was a threat. Cute or not, if this bunny ruined a single book, she was gone.
"Brrr," said the bunny sweetly. Aziraphale started glowing (literally) in happiness, the bunny joined him, and Crowley lost the battle yet again.
Crowley later found himself wondering two things.
First, when had Aziraphale managed to get an entire nursery prepared for a bunny?
And second, how had he gotten stuck taking care of it?
Well, the second question was easy to answer. Aziraphale was off getting some cream to feed to the bunny, as she was too young for solids*, and so she was now stuck with Crowley.
And she was looking at him. With big blue eyes. Only Heaven could make something this disgustingly cute, thought Crowley derisively, and his hand rubbed her little tummy of its own accord.
She purred and blinked up at him. "Pree?" she asked, and somehow Crowley knew she had asked him what her name was.
"I don't know," he answered. Then he paused. "And I'm not your daddy."
"And I'm definitely not your mummy. The fussy thing that just left is your mummy."
Of all things, the bunny giggled and batted at his hand. Either she was ticklish or laughing at him. "You had better not be laughing at me," he said sternly. She purred and nuzzled closer. Crowley looked around before placing a kiss to her little bunny nose, which twitched in response. "Heh, you're just too cute," Crowley admitted.
She made a happy bunny noise and Crowley instantly began thinking of a name. The eternity symbol on her forehead…
"Amara," he said softly, rocking her. "Eternal and unfading. Amara."
When Aziraphale returned from the store, a bottle of cream in one hand and a bottle of kitten formula in the other, he found the Serpent of Eden dozing in a rocking chair with a large fuzzy white rabbit asleep in his arms. He smiled brilliantly and left the two alone.
* Apparently. How Aziraphale came to this conclusion was beyond Crowley, but Crowley knew little of rabbits barring that he always felt the need to jokingly threaten to eat them, so he was leaving it up to the angel.
"'But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real,'" Aziraphale finished, closing his vintage copy of The Velveteen Rabbit. Amara was staring up at him with wide blue eyes, rumbling with a purr of contentment.
Crowley was a bit miffed that there was a rabbit on what he considered to be his seat, but Aziraphale was overly fond of her ever since she expressed an interest in listening to stories and so that was an argument not worth having. Besides, as nice as Aziraphale's reading voice was, stories about rabbits were not exactly Crowley's favourite.
"The end," said Aziraphale, chipper. "What do you think, princess? Was that a nice story?"
She chirped back an affirmative, purring.
"There's two of them," Crowley muttered darkly.
"Time for bath?"
She nodded, sitting up. "Breeeeprrrrrr," she said.
Aziraphale smiled at her and then at Crowley. "Daddy dear, could you go upstairs and start filling up the bath, please?"
Crowley snapped his fingers and upstairs the bath was ready to go, complete with bubbles and toys. He didn't say anything else, and gave Aziraphale a glare.*
Aziraphale sighed and gave him a pointed look – they had had arguments before over doing miracles in front of Amara as Aziraphale didn't feel it was fair – before standing up with her. She chirped at him, and Aziraphale smiled down at her. "Daddy just did it from a distance, that's all. He's lazy, sweetling."
Crowley cleared his throat.
Aziraphale gave him a helpless smile and carried Amara from the room.
Crowley's teeth clenched and he vowed that if Aziraphale backed out, he was going to take that rabbit back. She was cute, but not cute enough to be a professional cock-blocker!
Hours later, Aziraphale snuck into his and Crowley's bedroom, looking ashamed. "She was hungry…" he voiced lamely.
Crowley was sitting cross-legged on the bed, doing his best "I am not amused" expression. "I want ssssexxxx."
"I know, dear, I know, but really, all couples with newborns go through-"
"She's not our baby!"
Aziraphale recoiled as if struck.
Crowley felt this disturbing… thing in his chest. What was that… it had a name… oh, right, guilt. "I didn't mean that," he said quickly, which was good because it was clear from the expression on Aziraphale's face that the faster he apologized the longer his life was going to last. "What I meant was, was that, was that… wassss that…"
"You're jealous that she's taken up my affections," Aziraphale informed him curtly. "Well, that's simply too bad for you. She's not going to be a baby forever and when that happens I won't have to spend so much time caring for her, but until then you'll just have to be patient and realize that her happiness is more important than our sex life."
It was Crowley's turn to act as if he'd been smacked.
"Don't give me that look!" Aziraphale protested. "We're the only family she has! She relies on us to survive!"
"Nothing is more important than our sex life," Crowley hissed back.
Aziraphale raised an eyebrow at him. "Nothing?" he echoed, and from his tone if Crowley knew better he would rectify that statement.
Crowley didn't. "Nothing."
Aziraphale tsked and crossed his arms. "Perhaps you'll have better luck thinking of things that are just as important as our sex life from-"
Crowley sighed, miracling the couch in the back room of the bookshop incredibly comfortable.
The demon balked.
* He wasn't allowed to wear his shades inside anymore because "it'll upset the baby to not see your eyes, and given their uniqueness we have to get her used to them." Crowley considered pointing out that he wasn't concerned at all about upsetting the rabbit, but he figured that would result in him receiving a holy smite to the arse.
When she woke up from her nap, she purred upon noticing her daddy was in here with her, curled up in the corner. She stood up on her back paws and peered over the sides of her crib. "Daddy, can you let me out so I can make tea?" she asked.
Daddy started before looking around and seeing her. He looked embarrassed and unhappy, and Amara wondered what was wrong with him.
He stood up, stretched, and lifted her from the crib, resting her on the ground. She thanked him and walked to the door, reaching up and frowning when she was still too little to get the knob. She walked on her big bunny feet like a big girl, because she was a princess and that's how princesses walk. "Daddy, can you get the door?"
When he complied, Amara thanked him again and walked outside, down the hallway past Mummy's room, and started down the steps.
"Oh, I don't think so," Daddy grumbled, picking her up and starting to down the steps. "Where are you going, anyway?"
"Well, you must have been in my room because you made Mummy mad," she said reasonably. "So I was going to cheer Mummy up by making him some tea."
Daddy stopped walking, staring at her. She stared back. His eyes were scary sometimes, like a snake's, but she trusted them because they were her daddy's eyes. Then he got a little smirk on his face and continued the walk downstairs.
"Bribery," he said proudly. "You're learning fast."
"The ducks aren't going to hurt you, Amara love," said Aziraphale, gently guiding the bunny to the edge of the pond. "They're more scared of you than you are of them."
This wasn't technically true. She was a very shy and timid creature, and while the ducks were regarding her with confusion, she was regarding them with apprehension. The water licked at the fashionable shoes she had on her large bunny feet, although it didn't dare get on her frilly pink dress.
In fact, the reason Crowley had conveniently disappeared had less to do with the fact that his angel (who had forgiven him after getting him tea) was pushing a rabbit around in a stroller and more to do with the fact that said rabbit was dressed up with a bonnet and more bows than any outfit had a right to have, and yet somehow that made her more cute.
Even worse, she had picked out the outfit herself. He had wondered at first how any daughter of his could be such a girly-girl before mentally smacking himself.
At least she had more fashion sense than Aziraphale. Something she had obviously inherited from – bless it. He mentally smacked himself again.
Crowley walked over to them very slowly, carrying a large chocolate ice cream cone for his angel and a small cone of carrot ice cream for the bunny. If nothing else at least this trip was made somewhat worth it by the intimidation-creation of what was probably the least delicious ice cream in the world.
Aziraphale had gotten Amara back into her stroller and was pushing her towards Crowley, although when he saw him the gaze turned to be somewhat torn. "We want to promote good eating habits from a young age," he said tentatively, although his eyes were focused on the chocolate.
"Of courssse we do. She'll just have a few licks, isn't that right?" Crowley cooed.
Amara chirped at him, accusing him of being a bad influence on her. Crowley, undaunted, continued to hold out the ice cream. Her angelic nature shone through as she held out two paws and took the cone between them, daintily licking at the ice cream.
Crowley couldn't resist snickering at them. They had identical looks of happiness on their faces.
The scent of brimstone and sulfur filled the air, and Aziraphale hastily pulled Amara from her stroller and held her tightly. Crowley stood up straight, removing his sunglasses.
The wolf beast that rose from the hell portal attempted to smirk at the angel and the bunny. "I HUNGER," it proclaimed. "DESPAIR, FOR I AM CALLED AMON, MARQUIS OF HELL. IF THOU VALUE THY LIFE, PRINCIPALITY, THOU SHALL BEQUEATH THE FOOD SOURCE UNTO ME."
Aziraphale gave him his best glare, and Amara puffed up and glared at him too. "You shan't be getting a meal here," the angel said firmly. "Please return to Hell before I have to become violent."
The wolf chuckled ominously, and Crowley stepped in front of his... family. "Lisssten buddy, this is my territory," he hissed. "No one's eating any rabbits here but me."
"Breeprree!" Amara cheered from Aziraphale's arms. Aziraphale wrapped his wings around his torso, hiding her from sight.
Amon laughed at that. "THE FOOD SOURCE REFERS TO THEE AS 'DADDY', SERPENT. THOU ART LOWER ON THE FOOD CHAIN THAN I HAD AT FIRST THOUGHT. PREPARE TO BE CONSUMED."
Amara was trembling in Mummy's arms. There was a big bad wolf demon attacking Daddy and while Mummy was protecting her, she couldn't see and it was making her so scared!
They were being forced backwards, and Amara squealed and buried herself closer into Mummy's comfortable soft shirt. Where was Daddy, and why was he –
Mummy's arms were tight around her as he was thrown backwards, landing awkwardly on his side. Amara could now see that the evil wolf demon was clawing through Mummy's holy shields and Daddy was injured but healing.
"I SHALL FEED!" the wolf proclaimed, digging.
"No you shan't," Mummy muttered, looking weary.
She knew she had to help, but how? There was a crack as Mummy's shield started breaking, and Amara prepared herself to pounce on this evil wolf if it broke all the way.
The shield shattered and she propelled herself up, clinging to Amon's face and kicking him with her back paws, realizing rather belatedly that shoes meant she couldn't use her claws. Oh well, they were too cute to not wear.
Amon recoiled from Mummy, thankfully, and suddenly he collapsed because there was a giant snake wrapped around him. Amara, recognizing her daddy's eyes, let go of the evil demon and ran back to Mummy. He had just gotten up and he held her tightly, shushing her and comforting her.
"Well, that was far from how I wanted to spend a nice picnic," Aziraphale whispered softly as he placed an exhausted Amara in bed next to her injured daddy, tucking her in.
"What did you do with Amon?" Crowley asked, trying to ignore the fact that he was bandaged up and had been ordered into bed for a week to recover from the beat-down Amon gave him. He had done some damage too, of course, but…
Aziraphale smiled angelically.* "Let's just say that Uriel won't have any trouble with the Demonic rabbits anymore."
* Aziraphale had placed Amara into his jacket so she couldn't see what righteously horrible things he'd done to Amon for attempting to hurt his family. Let the poor dear think Crowley had saved them; after all, those two needed more help in their relationship.
Uriel appeared in the bookshop as Aziraphale fed Amara creamed carrots for lunch. "Thank you for the recommendation," the Archangel said cheerfully, "Amon ate Mercutio and the rest of the evil bunnies have fallen in line! Now I can take Crowlette back."
Aziraphale stared at him. Amara made an adorable disgusted face at the idea that her name was Crowlette.
"But, but you can't just, just take her back," Aziraphale stammered, picking Amara up and holding her close to his chest. "Why, why I think she likes it here."
She nodded and started purring.
Uriel looked thoughtful. "She does seem happy here, and it's clear she's developed quite the fashion sense while with you. But I've never given up one of my bunnies before, and I don't think I want to now. Do I?" He paused. "No, no I don't."
Crowley poked his head down the stairs, eavesdropping. While he had been waiting for this day to come, something about it didn't quite sit right with him…
Aziraphale looked like he wanted to wibble. "But I… but we…"
Crowley sighed and sauntered down the stairs. The bunny had tried to save Aziraphale, so he owed her. Yeah. "First of all, her name's not Crowlette," he said smoothly. "Second of all, why don't you ask her what she wants?"
Amara's halo started glowing. "Mreeprremerreeeemreechirpree!"
Uriel nodded, looking a bit depressed. "Well, when you put it that way… All right, I suppose you can stay here. But I'll be watching you, Aziraphael, and I expect you to take very good care of her," he finished sternly, looking at Aziraphale.
The angel nodded vehemently, and his halo was also glowing. "That is a promise I am more than willing to keep."
Aziraphale tied a large pink bow around Amara's neck, making the bunny purr in happiness. "Yes, it does look fetching on you, my dear girl," the angel said cheerfully, rubbing the fur between her ears. "Really, you are quite the fashionable thing."
"No, not yet," Crowley protested, producing a box.
His angels looked at him in surprise. Amara took the box, opened it (an effort, considering the lack of opposable thumbs) and pulled out a pair of glasses.
Specifically, a pair of sunglasses. Shaped into pink hearts, yes, but sunglasses all the same.
She put them on and smirked.
Crowley smirked back.
"There's two of them," said Aziraphale under his breath.