This was written for Gracie Musica, who requested "Trouble Lurking" with the characters Hastur and Ligur. This is also pure condensed crack, and I FEEL NO SHAME.
It was a dark and stormy night. It was Hastur's favourite kind of night; the perfect time for him and Ligur, Dukes of Hell they were, to prowl the streets of a city and find themselves the perfect victim. As connoisseurs of human souls, not any person would be an acceptable mark. They had to be special. Hastur himself preferred the purest souls for corrupting, as they fell the furthest and their tainted light -
"Oy, Hastur, maybe we should get an umbrella? It's pourin' out here," Ligur asked, interrupting Hastur's internal monologue.
Hastur shushed him, wishing for the umpteenth time that someone would finish Ligur off already, because how could someone that stupid still be alive? "Ligur, lurkin' is a quiet time activity."
"Ohhh, right. Sorry."
"Ha ha ha, still newbies to the lurking game," crooned someone from across the street, also in a back alley. Hastur could tell that's where the person was because he couldn't see him.
Hastur had put on his best Angry Duke of Hell face, and Ligur started looking around warily. "This alleyway is haunted," he said in a breathless voice.
Hastur smacked him on the back of the head. Ligur pouted.
"We've been lurking for millennia," said another voice from the other side of the alleyway, and Hastur could pick out two figures.
"Yeah, well, Hastur 'n' I-" Before Ligur could finish that, Hastur covered his mouth.
"Who do you think you are?" he demanded of the darkness. "We are two Dukes of Hell, and we are great and powerful, so think twice about crossing us lest we destroy thee!"
There were two answering chuckles. "Yes, well, find another city to lurk in or else we'll destroy you," said one.
The other added on, "Not that we need to, considering your obvious inability to really lurk."
Hastur and Ligur gasped and recoiled as if slapped.
"How dare you! You will pay for your insolence!" Hastur declared.
The voices on the other side of the alley went silence. Hastur felt very proud of himself before one pointed out, "You know, that wasn't the first time we insulted your lurking ability, why…? Never mind."
"Why don' you be brave and give us your names so we have them so we can destroy you," Ligur sneered.
Hastur stepped forward, being sure that the light struck him just so, making him look rather imposing and gruesome. "I am Hastur, Duke of Hell, and this is mine companion, Ligur, also a Duke of Hell. Fear us."
The others stepped forward as well, and the two Dukes gasped.
"I'm Darkiel," said one.
"And I'm Lurkael," said the other.
"Hastur! They're angels!" Ligur gasped.
Hastur would have mocked him for pointing out the obvious except that he, too, was slightly in shock.
Darkiel confidently smiled. "We are the Lurkers of the Lord, also known as the LOL."
Hastur blanched. For all that lurking was their specialty, they didn't have an organization name; they were just lurkers. That was just the way it was.
"Yeah, well, we don't need a group or nothin'," Ligur replied haughtily. "We're just… yeah, we're free spirits!"
Lurkael and Darkiel looked at each other and laughed.
"Tell you what, boys," said Darkiel with a patronizing tone, "why don't you two skedaddle and come back when you're real lurkers."
"Maybe. We. Will," Hastur threatened.
With haughty laughs, the two angels disappeared.
"To the secret evil hideout."
Hastur and Ligur reconvened in their secret evil hideout, which was another alleyway just down the road from where they were. This one had even more trash receptacles and so came off as a bit more evil.
"Our pride's been contested," Hastur declared, beginning their meeting of minds, "We must find some way to destroy these angels."
"I dunno, Hastur," Ligur said warily, looking at the dirty ground. "They were kinda scary."
Hastur sighed. "Ligur, they're angels. They can' be that scary. 'sides, we can just out-lurk them. That'll prove them wrong."
"And that'll destroy them?" Ligur asked.
Hastur wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he didn't. "So the best way to out-lurk them would be to lurk them."
"Kinda like stalking?"
Hastur smacked him on the back of the head. "No, not like stalking, like lurking!"
"I'm confused," Ligur admitted, rubbing the back of his head.
"That's why I'm the brains in this operation."
Refinding the LOL was proving to be more difficult than Hastur thought it would be. It seemed that no matter which shadow he hid in, there was nothing there or nearby; except, of course, for Ligur trailing behind him and occasionally getting lost.
He only rediscovered the two angels once he realised that there was someone following him who wasn't Ligur.
He spun on the shadows cast by a particularly large pile of garbage. "Ah ha!"
There was an answering chuckle.
Hastur hid himself in the garbage pile to prepare for the arrival of the second angel.
Six hours later, Hastur found himself inside a tree watching the corner of a brothel and the top of a street light. He'd lost Ligur around three hours and forty-five minutes in.
"You are a worthy adversary," the brothel informed him.
"Indeed, much better than your partner," the street light agreed.
The tree responded, "You're not so bad, for angels."
"I'm stuck!" said a particularly dark rock.
"We'll consider you a real, legitimate lurker," the brothel said, sounding impressed.
"And I consider you two to be worthy opponents," the tree said, also sounding impressed.
"Hastuuuur, I'm stuuuuuck!"
Hastur, feeling as if he'd found excellent rivals, went back to Hell to continue perfecting his lurking techniques in the hopes of one day bypassing them.
He didn't see Ligur again for another two centuries.