Hi there! I have written this story completely and utterly on a whim. This is not a shonen-ai.
Hidan hated Buddhist temples. Yes, he admired that people were so dedicated that they would give up their lives to honor the Buddha, but it was utter disrespect to Jashin! He went to various ones on whims and ended up slaughtering all the timid monks and priests. He swore, none of the people who served the damn thing had any backbone; all the men were wimps and frauds. Not a single one would stand their ground, and honor their god. If they had, maybe they would be alive. Maybe.
Hidan and Kakuzu were walking along the path. Kakuzu was on another one of his ridiculous money-making schemes again. Actually, Pein had ordered them to do this. Hidan seethed silently and begged for forgiveness.
The mission they were on was to steal a precious gem in Tea Country quickly. It was worth about 300,000,000 yen so Kakuzu was pleased to take the mission. However, the stupid jewel was in a Buddhist temple. A temple! Pein demanded that there be as few casualties as possible. Earlier, Hidan had already performed his sacrificial ritual, but he still felt guilty. Oh, the horror.
"Why the fuck are we doing this, huh?" he spat at his partner.
"The jewel is expensive," Kakuzu replied. "I plan to sell it, kill the buyer, and take it back."
"Who fucking cares? It's just a fuckin' piece of rock!"
"On the contrary, it is not just a 'fucking' rock." Kakuzu mocked. "It is known to possess many powers inside. That is why the leader wants it. It's not like he just wants to wear it prettily on his finger." Hidan rolled his eyes.
"Whatever," he scoffed. As long as he could kill someone when this was over, he was happy. Or close to it. Kakuzu abruptly stopped on the oddly clean dirt path.
"We're here." he informed. Hidan mumbled grumpily underneath his breath.
The temple was big. REALLY big. "Shit! This place is fucking colossal!" Hidan swore. Kakuzu raised a brow.
"I had no idea you had such a word in your miniscule vocabulary," he taunted.
"Shut up!" Hidan demanded. "Let's get the rock and get out of here." Kakuzu nodded and the two men walked up the path. They transformed into two fairly normal looking men. Hidan had black hair and hazel eyes, was middle-aged, and he was fat. Kakuzu had brown hair and eyes, but he was strikingly handsome.
"What the fuck?" Hidan laughed. "Who are you supposed to be?"
"Hey! I looked like this when I was younger! You have no right to laugh; look at yourself. You're horrendously lardy!" he scolded.
"What the hell did you say-" Hidan was cut off by a shushing noise. A pretty priestess with long, brown hair and big, black eyes walked up to them and mouthed 'language.' Hidan scoffed. "Whatever, let's go, Uzuka!" He made up the name on the spot. Kakuzu did the same.
"Very well, Nadi." The two men walked in the temple, the priestess trailing behind them.
She walked very close to Hidan and put her mouth to his ear. "We don't allow stupid appearance changing bastards in here, so I suggest you drop your henge," she commanded more than suggested. "Feel free to leave otherwise." Hidan gaped at her, mouth open. "Close your mouth, fool," she hissed.
"How dare you speak to me in such a way! You're just an ugly bitch!" he seethed.
The priestess gasped and turned red to the face with fury. "What did you say, you asshole?" she whispered angrily. "You did not just call me that." Hidan smirked, knowing he was winning the battle.
"I did, bitch," he emphasized. "Jashin- sama is so much better than this temple. He is much more generous than your stupid Buddha," he said.
"At least my god doesn't make me hurt myself every five minutes for sinning!" she sneered.
Hidan growled at her. "You take that fuckin' back!" he grumbled.
"No!" she hissed. The two proceeded to glare at each other intensely. Kakuzu rolled his eyes.
"Enough, Hidan. Do what the woman says." Hidan commanded. Hidan sighed, mumbled under his breath, and with a poof, he was back to his 'normal' appearance. Kakuzu was about to undo his as well, but the priestess put a hand on his shoulder.
"Oh no. Not you, you're nice to look at it," she complimented. Kakuzu blushed prettily.
"Thank you," he said. "You as well," he shot right back. The priestess waved her hand at him.
"Oh, you flatter me!" she squealed. Hidan's eye twitched. This woman must have a mental disorder, he thought to himself. Wasn't he handsome as well? Why was she not flattering him, showering him with needed compliments?
"I did not just think that," he mumbled to himself. The priestess turned to him. She stifled a laugh.
"What the hell?" she burst out. She started guffawing like a wild animal. "You're so funny looking!" she laughed! His eye twitched again.
"Never mind this shit, bitch! Tell us where the gem is!" he demanded, pointing his scythe at her. She closed and opened her eyes slowly at him. "What the hell are you doing, woman?" he cried out.
"It's called blinking, stupid. It's emphasizing how I don't know what you're talking about," she muttered loudly.
"The gem!" he repeated, shaking the scythe now.
"I already told you," she screamed, "I have no idea what you're talking about!"
"Chiya!" A priest hissed. "Silence, you're upsetting the guests. Again."
Kakuzu noticed that low murmurs were scattering about the room, and many eyes were on them. Too much attention was focused on them, and he decided it was time to leave.
"I believe it is time that we leave, Miss Chiya. Thank you for your hospitality." Yet again, she waved her hand.
"You're free to come back anytime. You, on the other hand," she said, pointing an accusing finger at Hidan, "shouldn't come back. Ever." Hidan fought the almost irresistible urge to stick out his tongue.
"Let's get the hell out of here," he said instead. Chiya stuck her tongue out.
Later that night, Hidan and Kakuzu snuck into the temple. Hidan clunked around loudly, fooling with various staffs and trinkets.
"Quiet, idiot! You don't want to wake anyone up!" Kakuzu snarled. "If you make any more noise, I will rip of your head." Hidan just rolled his eyes, opting to be quiet for once. The two of them sneaked around the place, looking for the jewel. It's got to be here somewhere, Kakuzu thought. Suddenly while moving away from a vault, Kakuzu tripped over some beads.
"Shit!" he whispered. He nearly fell to the ground but recovered in time without making a loud sounds. However, that was enough.
Out of nowhere, a kitchen knife flew by Hidan's head, and he yelped a little, not expecting it. It blew off a little bit of his grey hair. "What the hell?" he screamed. He then gulped.
It was Chiya.
"Didn't I say not to come back, you ass?" she said. "Still looking for the damned rock, I see." She grabbed a knife out of her shirt and for the first time Hidan noticed what she was wearing. She was not in her usual priestess attire; she was in a white tank top that she had tied so it showed her midriff, and very short black shorts. Hidan started to sweat and did not know why. Never mind that, he grumbled mentally. He noticed something else. The woman also had a Bingo Book. "Ah," she sighed. "Here you two are!" she chirped. Her eyes widened a bit, and she showed a nice set of white teeth. "Hidan and Kakuzu from Akatsuki. You want that rock, do you?"
Hidan charged at her. "Hand it over, bitch!" Chiya narrowed her eyes.
"Don't call me that," she snapped. She hurriedly picked up a monk's staff and threw it at the furious man. It barely grazed him on the shoulder, but suddenly Hidan felt weak. He dropped to his knees and clasped his hand over his upper arm.
"What did you do?" he roared, frustrated that his arm would not work. Chiya smirked.
"First experience with spiritual power, huh? Hurts like hell, doesn't it?" she inquired mischievously, already knowing the answer.
"FUUUCCCKKKKK!" howled Hidan, on the verge of tears. Scratch that, he was crying. He sobbed and sobbed, never feeling this much pain before, and not liking a single millisecond of it. Meanwhile...
Kakuzu tried to stifle his laughter. He really did, to preserve at least a little of his partner's pride, but he just couldn't help himself. He started cackling uncontrollably. "Oh!" he laughed, feeling his stomach hurting and his lungs begging for air.
Their mission had failed.
However, Hidan was determined to get the upper hand with the priestess and insisted going back there at least once every week. Every time, he got his ass handed to him, each and every time it had ended the same way as the first: Him begging for mercy while weeping.
While it was true that they had failed their mission and Kakuzu had lost in ideal amount of money, seeing Hidan getting put in his place...
Kakuzu laughed maliciously and openly.
"Priceless." He concluded.
Did you like it? Did you not? If so, press the pretty little "review" button down there and warm the cockles of my heart. ^.^
Edit: What the hell? Why is this story becoming so popular? Would you like me to continue it?