Disclaimer: Okay, I don't own Invader Zim, but it'd be cool if I did, wouldn't it? And by the way for all you IZ FanFic Authors out there still writing disclaimers, Jhonen isn't the only one who owns Zim. Nickolodeon does. But I think Nickolodeon is blind, deaf, and stupid for cancelling Zim. So there. Not much of a disclaimer, but oh well. :P
Author's Note: Yo! I'm new to this, so gimme a break. If I make any spelling/gramatical errors, please say so! Thanks! Oh, and review? Pleeeease? If you don't I'll explode! And die! And then I'd loose major part of my life! And then I can't write, so ha! And-*Random Audience Dude stands up* SHUT UP AND START THE STORY ALREADY! ~me~ Alright, alright. I'm goin'! *kicks him in shin and runs away* I'M NORMAL!
Chapter 1: The Great Assigning
It all started at the Great Assigning on the Irken convention planet Conventia. I was one of the very few female Invaders that were chosen… well, actually, I'll just leave it at one of the very few female Invaders period.
I was there early, considering my home planet, Irk, is only a few light-years away from Conventia, and with the new light-speed program I installed in my Voot Runner, it was a snap.
I was cleaning out my Voot that day and found a wankton shoon—or, I guess if my Irken-English noun translator is correct, a super-stretchy, black, tar-textured rubber band—and was playing with it as I sat on the floor waiting for all the Invaders to arrive.
I figured out that it was stretchier than most wankton shoons, and was trying to see how far I could shoot it. Just as I was about to release it, Invader Spleen, the last Invader to show up, made his usual egotistic grand entrance.
I stood up, getting ready for my assignment, and acknowledged him by giving a slight nod.
Invader Tenn, my best friend since we were Smeets-in-training, nudged me and nodded to the ceiling, which had a giant round thing of some sort with smoke coming out of it lowering into the center of the stage.
"Must be the Tallest," she whispered.
I nodded and sighed as I stood up straight, trying to be as tall as possible. This was going to be broadcast to the entire planet Irk and its territory-planets, and I was a little nervous.
Tenn stood up as tall as she could manage without being too uncomfortable and took a deep breath. She let it out, and by the choppiness in it, I could tell she was just as nervous as I was.
The Tallest hovered out of the pod while lasers shot in every direction. They whispered to each other while they waved, and Tallest Purple was hit in the eye with a laser. Tallest Red said, "See?" as Purple lay curled up on the floor in pain.
As soon they started the ceremony, I zoned out and started playing with my wankton shoon. They said pretty much the same things when they proposed Operation Impending Doom 1—things like, "You are the finest examples of military training the Irken army has to offer! Good for you" and "these less superior than us, but still quite superior soldiers…"
Once they started calling names of Irken Invaders, I tucked the wankton shoon in my pocket and listened to the Assigning.
They started by calling Invader Larb, one of the worst Invaders known to Irk. They complimented him on his increased height, and assigned him to planet Blorch—home of the slaughtering rat people—but changed to planet Vort, home of the universe's most comfortable couch.
"Yes!" Larb cheered as he ran off to the equipping station.
Next was Invader Spleen, an abnormally tall-headed boy that we all thought would grow up to be the Tallest when we were Smeets-in-training.
I sighed. This was going to be one of the longest ceremonies the Tallest have ever hosted.
After Invader Spleen was assigned, the Tallest started calling all the other Invaders and assigning them to our enemy planets. Tenn and I were one of the last.
Finally, Tallest Red called Tenn up to the stand. She took a deep breath and hurriedly ran up to the Tallest.
"Sirs," she said kindly as she bowed her head slightly.
"Invader Tenn," Red started as he smiled in delight. She was his favorite Invader. "You have been assigned to planet Meekrob—home of the most intelligent life forms in the known universe."
She looked at the picture the Irken artist drew. It showed her being surrounded by floating blue-ish forms and shaking their hands.
She let out the breath she was holding, as she smiled and realized that she didn't get planet Blorch, but got the one planet she wanted most.
She grasped the slip Purple gave her for a moment as she took in all the tension in the air. Everyone, including the Tallest, would be counting on her—and all the Invaders, for that matter—to conquer her assigned planet so we, as Irkens, could be the supreme rulers of the entire universe.
Tenn stood behind Red and watched the rest of the Great Assigning.
There was a small commotion at the entrance to the main convention hall, that no one really paid attention to, as the Tallest called my name.
"Invader Tessa," Purple said, letting my unusual name roll off his tongue. "Please come up."
I took a strained breath. This was my moment! I walked up the pod.
"Sirs," I muttered as I bowed politely.
Purple smiled. I was always his favorite, even when we were both just Smeets. "Invader Tess," he repeated, this time calling me by my nickname.
I stood up tall and smiled a little as I said quietly, "I'm ready."
Red handed me my slip as he glared at me. He always hated me for being Purple's favorite. "You have been assigned to planet…" he paused for a moment and then said in disgust, "planet Kloog—home of the shape-shifting Kloogainians."
I grinned. I was always fascinated by the Kloogainians.
I walked to Purple and stood behind him to watch the rest Great Assigning. There was really no need to go to the equipping station until the Tallest got there.
Next was Invader Skoodge, one of the shortest Invaders in all of Irken history.
"Oh, now that's just sad," Red said as he shook his head.
"Could you get any shorter?" Purple called to him.
Skoodge looked sad as Red assigned him to Blorch, home of the slaughtering rat people.
"Thus concludes the Great Assigning!" Red said to the audience. "Help yourselves to some nachos, and we'll see you at the equipping station."
"Yes, gorge yourselves! You mooches!" Purple said.
"Wait!" a voice called from the front row.
"That voice…" Tallest Red and Tenn said at the same time. "No…"
"It can't be!" Tallest Purple and I said together as a very familiar Irken crawled up onto the stage.
"Zim!" we all said together.
Zim stood up and walked over to us. He bowed to the Tallest. "Sorry, I'm late, my Tallest. I couldn't find my invitation. You're lucky I even made it at all," Zim said as Skoodge backed away slowly, then ran to the equipping station.
I rolled my eyes. None of us wanted Zim there, especially not the Tallest.
"You weren't invited at all," Purple said as Invader Tenn and I walked over to the equipping station together. We picked up some nachos along the way, and knew the Tallest would get rid of him one way or another.
We started talking quietly about everything bad Zim has done in the past—Horrible Painful Overload Day 1, Horrible Painful Overload Day 2, ruining Operation Impending Doom 1, hopefully not ruining Operation Impending Doom 2.
I stuck my hands in my pockets as we were walking and realized I still had my wankton shoon.
I leaned in close to Tenn and whispered, "Why don't we shoot this wankton shoon at Zim?"
She laughed and agreed. "Okay, but do you think it'll shoot that far?"
We turned around to look at how far we were from Zim. He had a sandwich in his hands and was talking to the Tallest in an almost pleading tone.
"It's shooting distance," I told Tenn as I nodded approvingly.
So we stopped and kneeled on the cold floor as Red started hovering toward the edge of the holographic universe.
He pointed to a spot off the edge of it and hovered back to Zim. Zim looked sinister as I got ready to shoot the wankton shoon.
"The universe! Will be ours, for the taking!" Red announced to the audience. Then he said, "Oh, and remember!" he muttered something, presumably "Lasers," through his teeth and a laser shot Purple in the eye again.
Then, Red started hovering behind Zim as they started walking toward us. I pulled the wankton shoon back and aimed and as soon as I let go, Zim spun around on his heel, quickly said something to the Tallest and bowed.
Instead of hitting Zim as it should've, it hit Red—hard—in the eye.
"AHHH!" he shrieked as he fell to the floor in a crumpled heap of pain. He recovered quickly and sat up to look around—with one eye—for what hit him. He found the wankton shoon and glared in my general direction.
"Who shot this at my eye?" he asked furiously as he stood up.
I grinned sheepishly up at him as I raised my hand a little. "I did," I said quietly. "It was an accident," I said, louder.
He hovered toward me and said, "Do you think this is funny? Shooting a wankton shoon at your leader?"
"No," I angrily shot back. "I was aiming for Zim!" I shouted before I could stop myself.
The audience cheered.
I covered my mouth in horror as I realized what I had just done. I looked past Red to look at Zim. He looked hurt, that his old friend was aiming a powerful wankton shoon at him.
I mouthed, "I'm sorry," to him but he turned away.
Tallest Red grabbed my arm and threw me at the guards. "Take her to jail. This is assault against the Tallest! You could get life in prison for this," he added, looking straight at me.
I glared at Red before the guards tackled me to the ground. This won't be fun, I thought after I fell.
Tallest Purple watched me being dragged by the guards to the temporary holding cell on Conventia. They would ship me back to Irk or to the Massive after the Great Assigning.
I hung my head in shame as I glanced toward the audience. They were trying to contain their laughter as one of the "quite superior soldiers" was being dragged away to jail after assaulting the Almighty Tallest.