Written for PW Kink Meme, was encouraged to post this here! Oh, happy Phoenix/Maya Day!
VIEWER DISCRETION ADVISABLE: May contain mature themes, angst, anti-P/I sentiments etc. etc.
By popular demand: If that's too scary, here's the censored version:
phoenixwright. host-ed. me SLASH olncensor. html
remove extra spaces from above address replace SLASH with / , since fanfiction dot net won't let you write web address links without cutting them
Here's the prompt so you know what to expect in the initial chapter, and the later chapters of this story take place over ~7 years. And I don't do the 'we never saw each other for 7 years' thing OR tragic ends, so *please* read the whole thing which is... 9 'chapters'.
PROMPT: Some time after 3-5, Kurain is about to hold a special ceremony in which Maya will officially become the Master. Phoenix comes up to see her, and spends time helping her out as she prepares for the big day. And though Maya is happy and excited about becoming the Master, Phoenix senses something is bothering her. The night before the ceremony, Maya calls Phoenix to her room, and tells him about her various fears for the future, including how she's afraid that once she's the Master, she and Phoenix will drift apart. Phoenix promises her that he'll always remain close to her.Which is when Maya grabs him and kisses him. Hard. Maya confesses that she's had a massive attraction to Phoenix for some time, and asks that before she becomes the Master, she wants to lose her virginity to Phoenix. And Phoenix, seeing just how much Maya means to him, and perhaps knowing that he won't see her as often any more, happily agrees.
ONE LAST NIGHT
I've always tried to stay positive, but I can't help lamenting how things are always cut short. I can't remember my mother leaving, but who would have predicted Sis would suddenly die? After we'd been through so much together, who would have thought Nick and my plans over the legal office would fall through, that that would happen to him?
And so another chapter of our lives is beginning. I always thought there'd be time, years even, to be together, to truly understand how I felt. But another injustice has taken him from me. I guess this is just my lot in life. Getting upset over it won't change anything.
- Even with these affirmations, part of me is screaming No! This is different.
So something has compelled him to walk a path apart. He puts on a cheerful veneer, particularly around Trucy, but it only goes halfway to dulling what he really feels. I know. I've done that too.
I was probably the only one he allowed a glimpse of his true feelings then. Something broke in him that day. And I fear it won't heal without some kind of resolution to fix it. One I probably can't give.
It's unspoken, but we know it's futile to delay the inevitable. Is this how we want the story to end?
On my part, I know it isn't. But how can I explain things like "All I want is to be with you." It's so childish! It goes against all my adult responsibilities, the role of Master they all worked so hard to secure for me. Oh, there's no actual reason or rules the Master has to stay in Kurain – but really, what excuse do I have to stay with Nick?
And so, I sense I'm losing him. Are we really supposed to just neatly part ways like the last 3 years never happened?
I admit most of the time I didn't really understand my feelings myself, and I doubt they were mutual. I'm supposed to be the mature Master now, strong, unshakable. I should dismiss the whole thing as some stupid childish crush. If you truly love something, you know when to set it free, apparently.
What a joke! Maybe I will move on, maybe I will force myself to find someone else.
But every instinct tells me there will never be anyone else I love as much as I loved Nick.
There's a vague thought I've kept hidden in my imagination for some time. I seriously didn't think the scenario would happen for a few years at least – but I'd always counted on having years for it.
Nick's been helping with the Master preparation duties. Most of it is specialized esoteric and cultural knowledge in which he's not much practical help, but his emotional support by being there is priceless, and I think we both know it. The other Kurain residents and powerbrokers can't stand him since the disbarring thing, but they tolerate his presence as they assume he's saying his final goodbye. It's just a cover. Or at least, I hope it is.
The day before the Master Ceremony, it's practically unbearable. I've been dreaming of him. Again. I realise, slightly miserably, that serious attraction began after the disbarring. Seeing him so vulnerable made me see him more as an equal, rather than someone older. Realising I could lose him triggered a need for present infatuation. Of course, through the turmoil we've both been facing, I don't know how to tell him, and it would probably just add another problem to his pile.
I'm so distracted and I can't help pacing. Nick seems so worried. I feel so bad. Particularly since he'd probably be even more worried if he knew what I was thinking.
I turn the idea over and over in my mind. It's not a bad thing, I tell myself. I'm not asking him to fall in love with me. I'm setting him free. And really, what else do I have left to give him, to show him how I feel?
He seems unsurprised that night, when I lead him into my bedroom, explaining that we need to talk. Serious words are often in short supply between us, but we sense something needs to be said.
He perches awkwardly on the edge of my bed.
I choke and the words suddenly run out.
"I..I'm sorry. I wanted to keep being your assistant so we could s-stay together, but since that isn't happening, I'm worried we'll drift apart, now I'm no longer relevant in your life."
Nick looks frightened.
"Whaaaat? No! Maya, just because we're apart more doesn't mean we can't be... No!"
"You're.. you're my…
We're not partners now. Not formally.
Friends just doesn't describe it
Isn't that Trucy?
"Soulmate," he finishes, almost silently. I'm not sure I'm even supposed to have heard.
Something in me goes crazy, and I make up my mind.
Time is short. I wished I'd spent time planning this rather than agonising over it, but here goes.
I lean into him, pull his face into mine, and kiss him on the lips with as much force and passion as I can muster. I'd let instinct take over, hoping it would compensate for my lack of experience, and even I'm taken aback by what happens when I let myself go.
The expression on Nick's face would be priceless if I wasn't so nervous. He's fallen into stunned unresisting submission rather than pulling away or screaming, and though it's hard to read him, I don't think he disliked it. From my end, the kiss felt so right that it banishes back the nerves.
I suddenly realise I have no idea how to ask this, but there isn't much time left, so I just drop the bombshell.
"I really like you, so I was wondering if you'd sleep with me?"
"S…Sleep with you?" Nick jerks in shock, and runs his hand through his hair, flustered. Then his face relaxes.
"Ohhhhhhhh. Like a sleepover."
"No! The other kind!" (Damn it, this is the one time I don't want this falling flat and degenerating into some weird comedy duo!) "I've actually been attracted to you for a while now."
The stunned expression replaces itself on his face. He fingers his lips where I kissed him, as if subconsciously. I keep my eyes unrelentingly steely and serious. His face eventually changes.
I haven't seen the look he's giving me very often, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I think it's most like the way he looked at me after that Iris trial (but come to think of it, I never really figured out that one either.)
My heart pounds frenetically, a sick feeling churns through my head. Have I said something insalvageable?
"It's okay. You probably don't see me that way," I reassure, trying to be cheerful and probably failing.
"N..no.. no.. I mean.. if that's what you want.. I'll do it," stammers Nick. "N..now?"
"Y..yeah.." Now I'm coming over all shy. I can feel my face burning. "Got to be tonight!" I explain with gusto to try to regain my composure.
There's a question on Nick's lips, but he seems to think better of asking it. Instead, he asks others.
"Er, you haven't done this before, have you?"
His face creases with worry. "It will probably hurt and.."
"I know all that!" I cut him off. "I've thought long and hard about this."
A grin spills through to his face. He seems to reign it in a moment later though.
Nick gazes at me intently. "One moment," he mutters, and retreats to the nearby bathroom. I wonder vaguely what he's doing in there. Hopefully cleaning himself up. Hopefully not sneaking looks at a copy of Playboy to get himself in the mood or something.
I can only feel anticipation. Provided this doesn't make my friendship with Nick too awkward, I can sense I won't regret this.
My heart pounds faster as he eventually returns, unsure of what to do next, I eye him expectantly. Nick returns the eye contact awkwardly, and moves to remove his shirt. I smile approvingly. (Glad to see someone's got the right idea.) At the feedback of my enthusiasm, he strips down to his boxers, and sinks down on the bed next to me.
Seized with curiosity, I bite back an exclamation as I move to touch his upper body. The kind of physique he's been hiding under there is better than I'd anticipated.
I feel a reassuring little thrill surge through my edginess. I knew this was a good idea…
Even through my own problems, I've sensed a change in Maya since her mother's death. Same crazy Maya, but sometimes she's been… different. Sometimes there's a sense of seriousness in her eyes, that she's emerged through the pain, stronger from it, and she'll use it to handle the hefty burden of the Master position.
She was showing that side again just now, but somehow I never anticipated.. this.
I didn't want to hurt her feelings but.. well okay also it's… really weird.
I knew she trusted me, even from the start. I could never bring myself to exploit or betray that trust – it's a terrible thing to have your trust betrayed.
But it's different now. She's grown up, I realise. So have I, in a sense. And she's pretty clear about what she wants.
So suddenly, things are framed to an entirely different level. The same trust which subconsciously distanced me from feeling anything else for her is admittedly attractive- even alluring. It's a little confusing.
I guess it's pretty clear why I had this suppression. Physically I could overpower her, have my selfish way with her, lead her into whatever situation against her own safety with her doggedly trusting in me the whole time.
But emotionally, I know she has power over me, did even from the beginning. I can't bear to hurt her or see her hurt. I'll do anything she says, within reason. I'll eat out of her hand. I'll lie on the ground and roll over. It's embarrassing, really. Most of all, I can't bear to lose her – or do anything to make me lose her.
I really expect the whole thing to be an eyes wide shut situation. I'll distract myself with how much her relationship with me has meant to me to compensate for any physical shortcomings.
I don't really have high hopes. I care about Maya, so I don't want to hurt her feelings, but this is probably going to be about as exciting as accidentally seeing your mother naked, or a nude diagram in a textbook, or some ugly old lady who doesn't mind changing in public.
In all honesty, I haven't been able to muster much interest in women in general since the Dahlia thing. Mia? I barely batted an eyelid, even when Pearl channelled her. As for Maya? Couldn't pull seductive out of a paper bag. Or so I thought -
"Maya.." His hands are at my back. What's he feeling, behind those eyes? It's hard to tell.
He traces the form of my body awhile, then cautiously moves to my chest. I instinctively flinch, unused to this sort of contact, but immediately relax; it's only Nick, gentle but inscrutable.
Perhaps for the first time, I panic over not inheriting some of Mia's attributes. Will this be a problem? I sadly suspect that Nick isn't very attracted to me regardless, but hopefully enough that he'll be able to enjoy himself…? Somehow he doesn't seem very excited so far.
Well, I soon decide, my training robes aren't very revealing, and since Nick is in his underwear, it's only fair I follow suit. "Should I take it off? Or do... you… want... to…"
For some reason the thought sends a chill down my spine and an erratic lurch in my throat.
His eyes move to study the workings of my outfit. I can tell what that expression is. Intense confusion.
I undo the sash that secures the outfit. "There you go."
Slowly, slowly, he begins to peel it away, imminently to leave me only in my panties. The suspense is maddening. If he's doing this on purpose, then it's working.
There's a draft in the night air, and I can feel it – curious though the rest of me, which is burning up. I don't have to look to feel Nick's eyes boring into me – or more precisely, into my body.
Nick appears to sense my disconcert, and moves his lips to reassure me – but can only stammer vaguely. I'm not fully sure how to interpret this.
Some strange kind of circuit misfires in my brain, sparks connections with others, goes haywire. It's confusing to say the least. A vague repressed fantasy resurfaces. And other circuits, not involving my brain, flare up as well.
I was always just framing her in the wrong context.
My eyes are frozen, locked into her near-naked body. It's getting awkward, but I can't seem to shift them away – and only budge them with the reflexive reaction of reaching out to touch her (probably in all kinds of inappropriate locations). Thankfully, this is apparently what she wants, and it knocks me out of my stupor.
Maya has buried herself against my chest and is stroking it appreciatively. She genuinely seems to like my upper body, which is sort of a relief. Her upper body is repeatedly pressing into mine, creating an unbalancing type of sensation.
Before I met Maya, I didn't think it was possible to care about anybody this much. Nobody real, anyway. I seem to forget, but I'm reminded sometimes. This is one of those times. My touches are gentle, my restraint instinctive. But this I didn't predict. Restraint is actually required.
It vaguely confuses me that I never noticed Maya's body before. She is – beautiful. Small and delicate, like the illusional doll of my long ago dreams and nightmares. But it takes only a moment or a glance at her face and that spark in her eye to smash through the illusion she is some characterless, submissive doll. Her jerky, enthusiastic movements are admittedly graceless, but she oozes life and personality, I can feel her heart pulsing against mine, the genuinity as she melted her body against me, the eager intensity of her reciprocations. Her expressive features as she gazes eagerly up at me spill a thousand words.
I can feel my eyes narrow and an insuppressibly stupid grin spread across my face.
I can't help noticing Nick has become more animated.
His eyes have an odd kind of fascination I haven't seen before directed at me.
He's touching me all over my body now. All the sensations are more intense than I would've predicted. Probably because it's someone else touching me, outside my control.
Even moreso because Nick is the one touching me.
At first it was a little weird, but I'm really beginning to like it.
He's back to focusing pretty intently on my chest area again. I dart a glance up at Nick's face. His eyes are fixated with an indulgent – no, maybe indulging - expression.
I don't think he cares I'm not like Mia.
His face is slightly flushed, his heartbeat wild and erratic when I again make full-frontal contact. This can only be a good sign.
Recalling how amazing the kiss was this evening, I feel it's past time to try again. "Nick!" I catch his attention. He inclines his head down toward me, where I can reach it. I take his face in my hands and pull it to me.
Before when I kissed him, he soon ceased resistance, but replaced it with stunned submission. Now his reciprocation is intense and eager, almost unpredictably overpowering.
I wrap myself tighter around Nick. Partly out of a desire for greater connection, partly to secure my balance.
The sensation was bizarre and disconcerting, but I can only want more.
I drag his head down, reach my face up so his lips again impact mine.
We're a little too enthusiastic though, and things don't quite work out, so I collapse backwards with Nick losing balance and sprawling on top of me. Clearly this wasn't the right situation to choose a Kissing War.
Curiously enough, toppling over didn't cause much slippage of our lip position, and after a moment our tongues are probing each others' mouths semi-instinctively as if nothing had happened. Nick's sort of suffocating on top of me, but I don't really mind. He may be a big idiot sometimes, but I can count on trusting him not to crush me to death – at least if I call it to his attention.
As we finally break for air, he starts shifting his weight and position around on me, and I wonder what he will do next, however. "Nick…?"
"W..what?" I feel his weight shift off me. "Am I hurting you?"
"No, I.." Immediately my words collapse. I'm not sure how to phrase this. I breach the sideways distance between us and wrap myself against him. Actually, pause in our previous activities is proving to be a real letdown. I never knew what it was like to have such an intense and slightly unplaced desire, far worse than hunger. And sort of like when I was trapped in the kidnapper's cellar, Nick was all I was thinking of.
Back then I was too petrified to think straight, but the one thing I could think of was Nick. It's kind of like that, except the feelings I'm thinking through now are different. Very different.
"No, don't stop… I want more," I explain, ruing the fact this is a rather cheesy line from Pink Princess Movie IV but reassured in the knowledge forgetful Nick probably won't get the reference.
In a bizarre turn, Nick appears to find this incredibly seductive (even though he rolled his eyes and groaned during our viewing of that line in the movie.)
He's returned to his usual daft puppy-dog expressiveness as he caresses me. I watch intrigued as his eyes pool with alternately shifting measures of bashfulness and lust (or at least, I hope it's lust.) We've kept our gaze connected, his inviting awkward dissent. As it becomes clearer I'm giving none, the lust component is beginning to gain an increasing lead and intensity, and seems to motivate his fingers downward. It's actually quite amusing – or would be if it wasn't also somehow driving me crazy.
It's not really like anything in any of those Samurai romance movies – but of course, I wasn't dumb enough to expect it would be.
He hesitates, catches my eye awkwardly, fingers shoved slightly unromantically halfway though the elastic. Poor guy.
"Yeah, go on," I prompt encouragingly.
There's more reasons why this is different than the scenes in those movies. They also don't capture a lot of these other weird sensory details either.
Staring at Nick's absorbed eyes, combined with his jitter-inducing touches, is now getting pretty intense (and having a pretty good idea of what he's going to do next gives me a sudden horrible awareness of my own raging heartrate – for starters.) I'm not sure I can deal with it all at once, and I close my eyes to block some of the overload out.
It's bad enough to just feel his presence – which I get a sudden uncanny awareness of – the weight of his body in the places where I've wrapped my arms around him, the heat of his skin, the way his muscles shift under it when he moves, how I can hear him breathing (really, who would have thought something as boring as him breathing is so interesting right now? For some reason, even though it sounds like a dog or something, I find it endearing.)
And don't even get me started about the sensations inside my own body.
The fact this is a partial unknown I'm anticipating right now makes it all worse.
What's he waiting for? I'm going crazy here.
Part of me feels an urge to beg or demand he get on with it (is he doing this on purpose?) but suddenly, I'm hit with another creeping feeling that… maybe this was all just an unintentionally selfish demand and Nick never wanted to see me in this way at all.
More timidly, I open my eyes, still unsure of which one of the two situations I'll encounter.
He startles. It seems all this time, he's been staring straight into my… face.
It's as if Nick and I are caught in each others' headlights.
We share a moment of awkward. It's very awkward. But it's a different kind of awkward. And I get the sense it's not at all related to just the acts of what we're doing.
"Nick." I manage to get out, apparently the only word currently left in my vocabulary. The tone that comes out is neither apologetic or demanding, but apparently it still communicates something to him.
His eyes change.
Oh god, I must be hallucinating. Nick's got that fully passionate look in his eyes like that awesome scene in…
No, Nick's right. Sacrilegiously, I'm thinking maybe those movie scenes are a load of cheesy garbage compared to this reality. (Maybe arousal is making me light-headed?) Because those movies just don't include the feelings, and the fact that this is Nick who's undergone this bizarre role transformation and…
"Tell me where," he directs, voice uncharacteristically compelling.
I think my eventual reaction's enough to tell him, which is a good thing, since I can barely assemble the words to explain coherently. None of my own efforts felt anything like that, and I didn't really expect this. "Niiick" I hear myself moan in a voice I can barely recognize as my own.
"You like that?" He seems delighted with himself. He doesn't even seem to care that I kicked him. "You… did like it didn't you?"
"Y..yeah," I manage, directing my scattered attention back at his face. So much for my hypnotic Nick-el Samurai. Nick's so overexcited at this. He doesn't let himself go often enough, and that goofy grin is really quite cute.
I bury my head against him and close my eyes.
After waiting a few moments, I feel Nick take my hand in his free one, and something about the way he does it feels every bit as intimate as the other.
After some unmeasurable length of time, Nick's stopped for good. My head fills with the crazily erratic pounding of his heart. I open my eyes and look to his face, noticing with huge interest he's pretty discomposed. His breathing is fast and shallow and I realise mine is too.
And the sensations of Nick's previous attentions were great while they lasted, but now they're gone they're a source of nothing but annoyance, like a bad appetizer of no lingering filling. In fact the lingering sensations are pretty horrible. It takes all my resolve not to start touching myself to suppress them, which seems stupid under the circumstances.
But I really feel like I want to jump out of my skin. (I'd better make sure I don't by accident.) And looking at Nick again - well, maybe turning my attention back to him was a mistake. I feel like I want to pounce on him like a plate of food and…
Slightly jarred (and lacking the previous experience to know how the heck I'm even supposed to make that impulse end, exactly,) I content myself with smoothing out a few stands of Nick's hair – now matted and drooped out crazily at odd angles –while we catch our breath.
"Well, er," he begins. Had he but known it, that stupid grin is also 'seductive'.
Nick hasn't really said it exactly, but I figure I'll move things along by undoing his boxers, which he hasn't taken off yet for whatever reasons. (Perhaps he's shy?)
This is a matter of interest, to say the least. I was relieved to have decisive evidence he was attracted to me, and my curious hands reached out to touch it, eliciting the oddest expression I'd ever seen cross Nick's face.
Even these new fascinations are overridden by my more pressing need at the moment. Am I supposed to act seductive? I realise I have no idea how to act seductive, (no one wants to hear you want them like a burger) so I settle for "Come on, Nick, I can't wait any longer. Please?"
I push out at him to emphasise my point, he then lurches forward to meet me with an eagerness that makes me suspect it wouldn't matter what had spewed out of my mouth, so long as it was affirmative assent. We collide ungracefully, and fumble slightly upon impact. His weight again wins out, and as if to compensate for the knowledge he's again clumsily flattened my body, he breathes in my ear "Certainly, my dear Maya," in a feigned cultured accent. I choke a laugh and he grins back, the shared joke banishing away any renewed awkwardness.
"Um…" His eyes flit wildly.
I can't help wondering if my dear Casanova is almost as inexperienced in these matters as I am. I can feel his weight back against me for a few seconds and then he seems to think better of it, sinking back to sit on the bed.
He gestures me to get on him, and it doesn't take much direction to figure out what I'm trying to achieve here.
I'd resolved not to react to any sensation of pain – who wants to ruin the mood? – but I can't suppress a gasp and involuntary hiss. Nick's grip tightens on me. Expression of concern for my wellbeing muddies together with his own need. I always sensed it really. Nick secretly can't stand to see me hurt.
"Are you okay? Do we need to try something else?" he's asking, all panicked.
"I'm fine," I reassure.
…Well, this is weird.
I look to Nick for guidance. I suspect I'm the one who's supposed to be moving around here, but it's harder than I expected, and any kind of movement produces all kinds of strange sensations, not all of them good.
Nick confirms my suspicions. Inherent in his eyes is a silent plea.
I could get used to this.
In all honesty, the entire experience hurts as much as anything, but this is more than compensated by watching Nick's reactions. He certainly seems to be enjoying himself, his constantly shifting expressions are entertaining, and the way he keeps gazing almost enraptured at me as the source of his apparent ecstasy is quite emotionally thrilling. I'm very touched, particularly as he screams my name very loudly as he climaxes. Probably all the Nick-hating neighbours will hear it, which I'm pretty happy over. I'm glad I left the windows open.
But once that's over, I realise I've tired myself out, and I can only sink myself against Nick's chest. He enfolds his arms tightly around me and is all "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," I reassure, wrapping my arms around him again, leaning my head against him and closing my eyes. After a few moments, he's begun to massage my back rather affectionately. All the attention is really very nice.
It's 4am, and I resurface groggily. I lift my head from my pillow – Nick's chest. I hate to leave him, but I have to go.
He stirs under me. The bed wasn't really big enough for two.
"Nick…" I suddenly realise I'm still naked, so I guess neither of us was dreaming.
"I have to leave," I explain.
He can't come with me. The Master Initiation Ceremony is only attendable by the highest qualified Kurain authorities, and although I would have invited him anyway, Nick's been in poor taste with the Kurain residents since the disbarring injustice.
"Maya…" he replies. Neither of us can really think what to say. But perhaps our actions have said enough.
In a final impulse, I hug him tight, and he hugs me tightly to him in return.
Whatever happens, I know I won't regret this.